CHAPTER 11

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

Colossians, 3:1-6

THEN

Lawrence, Kansas, April, 2013

Missouri Moseley was a psychic. Since she was a little girl, she could feel and see things no one else could. At first, she thought she was crazy, and her mom and dad worried that she would need treatment. No one believed her.

Until an Angel of the Lord paid her a visit, and told her there was nothing wrong with her; what she had was a gift, not a curse.

Her life got back on track after that. As she grew older, she learned to use her gift to help people, and it made her feel better knowing she was doing something to help those in need. But helping people didn't pay the rent, so she had a small diner where she spent most of the day. Besides, Missouri could cook like a pro, so she put this other talent of hers to good use as well.

"Missy, my doll!" Gabriel greeted, as he and a very uncomfortable Castiel stepped inside the diner, empty at the ungodly hour of five A.M.

Missouri raised her eyebrows, her face showing irritation that Gabriel didn't mind at all, since it was completely false. "What took you so long?" But she accepted his hug anyway.

"You mean you knew we were coming?" Gabriel joked.

"Why would I be up at five A.M. if not for you? When will you learn to knock on people's doors at a more appropriate time, boy?"

"Urgent matters, Missy." Gabriel said with a grin.

"It's always urgent with you, Gabe," she retorted.

If Castiel's eyes were huge as saucers at the affectionate and familiar way Gabriel and Missouri talked to each other, they widened even more as she turned to him and put her hands on his shoulders.

"Did you bring another of your fallen brothers to me?" she eyed Castiel speculatively.

Gabriel actually blushed. "Err… sort of."

"Now, let me take a close look at you," she said to Castiel, peering at his eyes like she wanted to read everything about him inside them.

Castiel stayed motionless, wide eyes looking at the woman while she studied him. She was intimidating, like Gabriel had said, but even he could feel that her soul was kind. The angel decided that if Missouri was good enough to be Gabriel's friend, she was good enough for him too.

"You're different," Missouri declared. She peered at him a little more and raised his eyes to Gabriel. "This one is different, Gabe, like you but at the same time not. What happened to him?"

"Um… Missy, you'll have to trust me in this one. Castiel needs help. There's this… task he needed to complete, but he didn't want to. Something bad was going to happen to someone and Cassie here refused to do it. Boss got angry, so he was, um… sent to Earth. As punishment."

"I hope you know you're not making any sense, boy." Only Missouri could call an Angel of the Lord a boy.

"This, um… task involves a person from Lawrence, and that's why Cassie needs to stay here."

"Anyone I know?"

"We, uh… we would prefer not to tell you." Gabriel winced. "Sorry. It's for this person's safety."

When Gabriel had stopped his car right in front of Missouri's diner, Castiel recognized the place immediately. He had followed Dean there several times, when he was still struggling about what to do with him. He let out a relieved breath. Things were going a lot better than he'd imagined. If he stayed there, he would be able to see Dean every day.

"Alright, boy, but what about this… task?" she asked suspiciously. "If your friend here doesn't want to do it… it's not something bad to the city and the people here, is it? A punishment from God, of some sort?"

Castiel shook his head. "Don't worry. God does not wish to annihilate the city and its inhabitants. But I can't tell you anything about my task. Only that I am no danger to anyone. There is someone I need to protect, that is all."

"Alright, boy, alright. I hope you succeed then." She patted his cheek and turned to Gabriel. "It's been a long time since you brought someone to me."

Gabriel gave her a crooked smile. "I know. I wanted you to have a break. I've relied a lot on you in the past."

"Your sister is well and happy, Gabe. She's a teacher now, and she's engaged to a nice young man."

"I know. I've been following her progress. Not that she knows about it… you know I can't-"

"I know, I know… your stupid brothers from upstairs don't know you help them." Missouri grimaced. "But enough of this. I have pastries in the oven and hot chocolate for you."

"Missy, my girl, what I would do without you?" Gabriel beamed at her.

NOW

Lawrence, Kansas, September, 2013

A week later Castiel was almost crawling out of his skin. Dean hadn't gone to the diner again, and not seeing Dean was the worst punishment someone could inflict on the angel.

Sam had gone to see him, though. With sadness in his eyes, he had told Castiel that Dean had been drinking a lot. So much, that their mother had hidden the car's keys so Dean didn't end up dead somewhere in a car accident.

Sam also told him, conversationally, that Mary and John had gone out on a date the previous weekend, and that they were testing the waters, seeing where this new relationship of theirs would leave them. John had gotten a construction job, and was currently living in a motel. Sam was excited about his new job. He and Jess would move to Kansas City in January, after their wedding. Things were slowly falling into place.

Except for Dean.

"I frankly don't know what to do about him, Cas," Sam sighed. "I love my brother, and he's practically digging his own grave."

"I wish he would let me help, if he could just understand that I…" Castiel said, mournfully. "But he refuses to talk to me. I've called him and he doesn't answer. I… I miss him, and I don't know how to fix this. I wish I could."

"I still don't know what happened between you guys, but I'll tell you this: don't give up on him, Cas. I know Dean. He cares a lot about you, or he wouldn't be like this. He'll come around."

"I hope you're right, but after everything he said to me the last time we talked… I just don't see how."

So, Castiel got used to the boring, empty days that followed, without Dean to make them brighter. He wasn't going to give up on trying to protect him from breaking the remaining three Commandments, but how could he do it so far away from the man?

Every night, Castiel would look at the list that had now seven broken Commandments. He didn't know what to do. He didn't believe that Dean would ever kill someone. But then again, who would have thought that he would commit theft? And yet he had, because Crowley had made him do it.

Crowley. Just thinking about the demon made the angel's blood almost boil in his veins. After the night he'd shown his wings' shadows, Castiel's Grace had almost disappeared. He was almost empty, drained of heavenly power, like an old and used battery. If not for Gabriel who had told him that his wings were still there, he would have thought he was completely human now.

He wanted to kill Crowley with his bare hands, wanted to see him suffering and begging for mercy. He wouldn't give him the chance to live this time; he wouldn't make the same mistake twice. He called Gabriel again, to ask if he knew of Crowley's whereabouts, but his brother knew nothing and he couldn't stay long. All he knew was that the garrison that was trying to capture the demon hadn't found him yet.

When Monday came, Castiel was driving himself crazy with anxiety. Things were too quiet, and that alone was a signal that something bad was going to happen. Crowley was probably hiding, but Castiel knew he wasn't going to give up; he had proven it already.

Since the diner didn't open on Mondays, the angel decided to clean everything. He needed something to pass the time or he would go mad. Everything was already clean, but Castiel grabbed a large brush and started cleaning the tiled floor.

Then, someone knocked at the backdoor.

Castiel's heart did a somersault, thinking it could be Dean. But it wasn't. Instead, a beautiful blonde stood at the door, staring nervously at him. "Can I help you?" he asked.

"May I come in?" she asked, looking apprehensively around.

"Um… the diner doesn't open on Mondays."

"Castiel, I'm Jess, Sam's fiancée. I need to talk to you."

His interest finally peaked, Castiel stepped aside to let her in. "Oh? Did something happen?"

"I came to say that you should go to Dean's garage tonight."

"What? Why?" Castiel frowned, tilting his head to one side.

Jess smiled. "I missed this habit of yours, tilting your head like that."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Don't you recognize me, brother?" she said. "It's me, Jessaliel."

"You're… what?"

"Jessaliel. Brother, have you forgotten me completely?"

Castiel widened his eyes. "Jessaliel? But you're… fallen…!"

She nodded. "I am. It's been five earthly years now. I know in Heaven time passes differently, but I must confess I lost track of time since I fell."

"It's been a hundred and six years, sister." He knew, because, like every angel, he had mourned the falling of another sibling to Earth. "I had never seen your earthly form. You are very beautiful."

"You too, brother. Can… can I give you a hug?" she asked hopefully. "You're probably not used to it, but humans do it a lot."

Castiel nodded. "I know." As she hugged him, he couldn't help thinking of Dean's hugs. He missed his arms, his smell, the way he rested his chin on Castiel's shoulder when they hugged. The way he pressed his nose on the juncture of Castiel's shoulder and neck.

"Listen, Castiel, Gabriel told me everything, he asked me to keep an eye on you. But today he sent me to warn you. Death knows he helped you and he can't come here anymore, at least for some time. Death is furious, and it's possible that now he will start twisting things a bit, bending a rule here and there, so Dean fails and breaks all the Commandments sooner."

"He wants me to fail?" Castiel asked, aghast.

"He is angry that you rebelled, that you didn't obey him immediately. He sent you here to suffer, but instead you and Dean got together, and you were happy."

"Not anymore."

"Brother, the point is that, now that Death knows you've had help, he wants you to fail. He wants you to feel that Dean would die anyway and that it was useless to defy him. He wants to use you as an example to all other Angels, so no one even things of defying his orders."

"Gabriel said that?"

Jess nodded. "Yes. I'm sorry."

Just what Castiel needed: the Angel of Death and Crowley on the same side, both of them wanting Dean to fail and die. And all because of him. If he had just collected Dean's soul, like it was required of him, none of this would have happened.

Jess went on. "I heard Dean on the phone this morning. He is meeting a woman at the garage tonight. You must stop him at all costs."

Castiel felt his insides turn cold. "He is meeting a woman? But… but…" then he sat on a nearby chair, defeated. "There is nothing I can do, sister. Dean and I are not together anymore. I have no say over his life."

"Castiel, he is meeting Bella Talbot! The married Bella Talbot!"

Only then he made the connection. "Oh my – but it's Bella who is married! Not Dean! This can't be considered adultery on his part!"

"But she is married and he knows it, so that counts as sexual immorality, lust and whatever name you want to give it; he doesn't love her, therefore, it is impurity, sex only for pleasure, not love."

"Death can't do that," Castiel whispered.

"He can, and he will. If you thought he was angry at you before, imagine how he must be fuming now."

"Only because I sought for Gabriel's help?" then a thought occurred to him. "Wait, did he find out Gabriel helps fallen angels?"

"Thankfully, no. Gabriel's secret is still safe."

"At least Gabriel will not be punished because of me." Castiel sat on a chair, relieved. He looked at his sister. Jessaliel had always been a bright and fair angel, her Grace used to shine brightly and pure in Heaven. Now she was a beautiful woman, but he wondered if she missed her Grace. "Was Gabriel the one who brought you to this city?" Castiel asked, momentarily curious.

"Who else would have helped me? I was a fallen angel; I had no one. I prayed for help, for anyone's help, and he heard me. He brought me to the diner and I started working here, just like you. Then, one day, Sam walked in and…" She shrugged a little. "The rest, as they say, is history."

"Does Sam know?"

"No. I… didn't have the courage to tell him. He thinks I'm an orphan. We have built a life together; I went to college, I graduated… I can't just tell him who I am. I… I could lose him. I love him too much to risk that."

"Your secret is safe with me, Jessaliel."

"I know," she said, smiling a little. "What is with the Winchester brothers, eh? Two angels completely in love with them…"

"Only, in my case, Dean doesn't want nothing to do with me anymore," Castiel said, dejectedly.

Jess kneeled in front of him. "Listen to me, Castiel: this is not true. Dean loves you and if he's drinking and fooling around with this woman is because he's hurting. It's his way of dealing with all this. Bella has always been trying to get in his pants, and he never cared much about her."

"But he is going to meet her, nevertheless."

"This is to punish you, don't you see? Or to punish himself, because Dean does that a lot. Come on, he loves you, and he's in pain because he misses you."

"What if it's too late?"

"You will never know unless you try. If you love him, fight for him, Castiel. Prove that you are a warrior, brother: don't give up."

THEN

Lawrence, Kansas, April, 2013.

On his first day in Lawrence, by eight A.M. Castiel was already wearing an apron and cleaning tables at the diner. It was a simple work but not unworthy by any means. In God's eyes, all honest work was valuable. Besides, Castiel insisted on starting his adaptation to Earth as soon as possible. Missouri had given him a few lessons on how to clean the tables and chairs under Gabriel's amused supervision. And here he was, behaving like a normal human in a normal job on a Tuesday morning.

Gabriel had bought a few clothes for him, explaining he couldn't wear his black suit and tan trench coat all the time. Missouri had a small room with a bathroom and kitchenette in the back of the diner and she let Castiel stay in it. Gabriel helped him arrange his clothes in the drawers and his new toiletries in the bathroom, explaining patiently how to take a shower and other things a human would do, but giving up when he tried to comb Castiel's stubborn hair.

The other employees, Victor and Gordon, Missouri's nephews, had arrived half an hour ago. They didn't look surprised when they saw Castiel cleaning the diner. They greeted him, eyed his apron and the cloth in his hand, smiled, and one of them asked if he was one of Missouri's stray boys.

Now, while he methodically cleaned the window, he looked at the street, taking in everything, looking as people passed by going to work or taking children to school. He had always wanted to learn more about humans, God's most beloved creation. He knew a lot about them in theory, but he had never stayed on Earth for too long, his orders always taking him away from humans. So he lacked any resemblance of social interaction, but he intended to acquire the knowledge soon.

Suddenly, a black Chevy Impala turned at the corner, and Castiel watched while its owner parked the big car in front of the diner, turned the very loud music off and got out of the car stifling a yawn. He was wearing sunglasses, black boots, jeans and a beige button-down shirt. He looked like the sun, bright, loud and larger than life. Beautiful. Perfect.

Dean Winchester.

NOW

Lawrence, Kansas, September, 2013.

Castiel didn't even wait for the night to fall. It was six P.M. and he was already banging at Dean's garage door.

"What?" Dean's face appeared at the door, annoyed. But as soon as he saw the angel, his annoyance turned to anger. "Fuck, Cas, told ya I don't wanna see ya anymore!"

"I need to talk to you," Castiel said, determined, but Dean was already trying to close the door on his face.

"We have nothin' to talk, Cas. Juss… go."

Castiel put his foot between the door and the frame, preventing Dean from closing it. "You're drunk."

Dean gave him a hazy smile. "No shit, Sherlock. I don't see what do ya have to do with it."

Castiel forced his way inside and closed the door behind him. Dean huffed a breath and went to the sofa – the same sofa where they had first kissed – and sat on it heavily, grabbing an almost empty bottle of beer.

"Dean, please… you need to stop drinking like that. Listen, there's so much I need to tell you…maybe, if I explain you my reasons, you-"

"Fuck your reasons, Cas! And I don't need your help, or your sermons. Ya're not my dad, and ya're not my guardian angel!" The last words were said almost screaming, and Dean widened his eyes at what he'd just said. "See? Ya're not my guardian angel, get it? Ha ha, I juss mad a joke 'bout you, sonovabitch…" and he started laughing, a little hysterically, like a lunatic.

"Dean, please… I know you're suffering, and I am suffering too. Being apart from you is the worst thing that ever happened to me."

"Fuck this. And fuck ya, Cas! Nobody cares that ya broken! I don't care, so just leave me alone, 'kay? I'm waiting for someone."

"Bella Talbot?" Castiel asked, jealousy clouding his thoughts.

"Ya're stalkin' me now? 'Cause I gotta say, that's just creepy, man."

"Listen, Dean, I need you to stop drinking and…stop this erratic behavior. This is going to end bad if you keep going on like this. You will only end up suffering if you let your soul be polluted like this."

"Cut the angel crap, will ya? It's already bad, Cas. As bad as it can be. And it's all your fault. Yep, it's all on ya, dude. Fuck my polluted soul and fuck you." Dean tried to get up and lost his balance, falling on the sofa again. "Oooops," he giggled, laying his head on the couch's armrest. "Why are the walls moving?"

Castiel kneeled next to him, just like he had done that night, when he first felt Dean's lips on his. "Dean," he delicately held Dean's bottle, taking it away from him. Dean looked at him, blinking slowly, sleepily. He looked just like he had looked that night, drunk and yet so, so beautifully imperfect that Castiel's heart ached a little. He leaned over the man, putting his forehead against his. Dean kept his eyes opened, looking at Castiel, as if hypnotized by him. The angel cupped Dean's face with his hand. "Dean," he said again, because he had missed looking at him like that, so close.

But his voice broke the spell, and Dean blinked several times, his eyes seeming more alert. "Get off me," he snarled.

"Dean…I'm sorry…"

"I said get off me!" Dean yelled, pulling Castiel with all his strength; the angel lost his balance, and fell sitting on the floor.

Dean got up on unsteady feet and towered over Castiel. "Ya had your chance, Cas. Ya ruined everything, so dontcha come here now sayin' ya're sorry, 'cause I don't believe ya. And ya know what? Leave, I don't wanna see your face. Ya hurt me enough."

"Dean, I love you, please, I would never hurt you on purpose."

"But I don't love ya, ya hear me? I never loved ya, and I was just passing my time with ya, just like ya were doin' with me. I hate ya, and I wish ya'd just disappear from my life once an' for all!"

You shall not lie.

Castiel felt the telltale pain inside his chest that always came when another Commandment was broken. Dean was saying that he didn't love him, and the fact that it was a blatant lie didn't bring the angel any comfort at all. He had failed again, and now Dean stood only two Commandments away from dying.

Dean kicked Castiel's leg, but without any force, because he was really, really drunk "Get outta here, Cas. Get out!"

Then the door opened, and there, wearing as little clothing as possible, was Bella Talbot. "I hope I'm not… interrupting anything?" she said with a false smile.

"Nope," Dean smiled at her. "Cas was just leavin', weren't ya Cas?"

Bella walked up to them and sensuously ran a finger over Castiel's chin. "I don't mind if he stays," she said to Dean lasciviously. "We could have a good time together, don't you think?"

Dean shook his head vehemently. "No way. You outta ya fucking mind? He can't stay."

"Why not? Isn't he your boy toy? But oh, Dean, I can understand that you want me all to yourself…" she laughed again, and to Castiel it sounded like fingernails scratching a blackboard.

The angel got up, trying to keep his dignity intact, but all he wanted was to grab Dean and take him away from Bella's claws. He was still feeling the pain of the broken eighth Commandment, but he realized that, more than the very real possibility that Dean was going to break another one, the ninth one, what really bothered Castiel was that Bella was going to see Dean naked, she was going to touch his skin and feel his lips on her own, just like Castiel had. And if that jealousy didn't make him as human as any other, he didn't know what else could.

"Cas… go away. Ya're spoilin' my fun." Dean said, leaning on the counter beside him for support.

"Dean, please… don't do this," Castiel begged once more. This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't.

"Ya don't get to tell me what to do, ya hear me? " Dean grabbed Bella by the hair and kissed her on the mouth, strongly and furiously, and when he let her go, his mouth was smeared with her red lipstick.

"Nobody wants ya here. Go away. Please, do me a favor and get outta my life forever," Dean said, fixing a cold green gaze on Castiel.

Castiel didn't say a word, because he didn't trust himself to speak. He turned his back and walked out of the garage, his heavy steps echoing on the empty street. He walked aimlessly, not really seeing where he was going, his vision blurred by the tears that insisted to fall.

He knew what was coming next, but when twenty minutes later the familiar pain in his chest begun, he knew Dean had had sex with Bella, and he knew Dean was doomed.

You shall not commit adultery.

Only one Commandment separated the man Castiel loved from his death, but he was sure that Crowley, or even the Angel of Death himself, would take care of everything and make sure the tenth Commandment would be broken soon.

There was no going back now.

Castiel bowed, sitting on the park bench with his arms around his own body. Shivers shook him, more from grief than from cold, until he felt spent, tired like never before, defeated. Hopeless. He was ashamed of his own inutility. He didn't deserve to be called an angel.

He was a failure, a poor excuse for a servant of the Lord. A wild thought crossed his mind: he should die and leave Dean alone, and maybe, when Crowley dragged Dean's soul to Hell, Castiel could sneak in that filthy place and stay close to Dean, even if he had to spend eternity being tortured alongside him. At least he would be with Dean forever.

Slowly, he got up and decided to go back to the diner, get his things and leave Lawrence. There was no place for him there. Everything that was happening was because of him. Crowley wanted his revenge because Castiel had caught him in the past. Death wanted to punish Castiel because the angel had questioned Death's authority. And both were using Dean to punish Castiel, because of his love for the human.

If he'd known that just by being close to Dean, Castiel would doom him like this, he would have never come to this city. Everything that happened to Dean was Castiel's fault, and maybe if he just went away, Dean would not break the tenth Commandment at all. Maybe with Castiel gone, Dean would live until he was ninety, and he would die peacefully, surrounded by his family.

He gathered his belongings, not that he had too much and, since he didn't have a suitcase, he put what he had in a duffel bag he found in the deposit. He wrote Missouri a note thanking her for welcoming him and saying that he was sorry for everything. He also asked her to not tell Dean of his departure. Actually, he begged her, and he hoped that she could do this for him, because he didn't want to cause any trouble to anyone; not anymore.

He decided to wait until late at night to leave, because he didn't want to risk meeting anyone. He didn't want one of Dean's friends to see him and then tell the man they'd seen Castiel leaving. It would be better if Dean realized Castiel had left town only when the angel was far away.

Gabriel could find him whenever he wanted to; if and when he could look for Castiel again without attracting Death's attention. Jessaliel didn't need him; she was happy with Sam.

He had no idea where he was going, but at midnight, he turned all of the diner's lights out, locked the door and took the key with him. He could send it by mail later.

He walked to the main street carrying his duffel bag and sat at the bus stop. There were no buses at that hour, and he stayed there for some time, trying to put his thoughts in order and decide where he would go next. He stared at a crack in the asphalt without really seeing it, lost in his thoughts.

A noise behind him made his head jerk up. It was like a whimpering, it sounded like a child, and it was coming from a pile of discarded cardboard boxes in front of a store. He got up cautiously, squinting to see in the dim light.

The cardboard boxes suddenly moved, but what emerged from them wasn't a child at all.

"Hello, Castiel," said Crowley. "Long time no see."

Castiel let go of the duffel, but before he could take out his blade, two demons grabbed him from behind, and the last thing he saw before one of them hit his head with a brick, was Crowley's red eyes and his triumphant smile.