ah such cute people reviewing this thank you so much guys! They always make my day and put a huge smile on my face UwU
I can't exactly remember where I was going with this chapter but -shrugs- there's a nsfw warning up ahead but it's pretty mild tbh
hope you guys are having a lovely week feel free to leave your thoughts and comments!

Intro - The XX

He was confused to say the least when he walked in to see Mathias with his legs crossed under him and a nostalgic expression lingering on the edge of blankness. His eyes were misted over and did not flicker over the pages of his book indicating what ever he was thinking about took him somewhere else entirely. And throughout the morning it remained after that strange question that left Lars himself a little more than confused and suspicious but he kept quiet and continued to go about eating left over cake and talking animatedly to ears that didn't seem to hear a word.

Lars watched during the morning as Mathias fiddled with his shirt sleeves, seeming to be torn between rolling them up to bare forearms that wore marks the Dutchman long since knew about and pulling them down past his hands. Eventually his expression grew too heavy and his eyes too tight and he was itching to ask the Dane what was running through that head of his.

"What's wrong?" When he didn't answer he tapped his cheek and repeated the question when he had his attention. "What's wrong Mat?"

"Nothing sorry I'm just a bit." Mathias waved a hand over his own face and smiled. "Out of it you were saying?"

"You've looked like this since I woke up."

"I'm just tired." He sighed and slumped forward. "I left my pills in Frankfurt."

"Oh um..." Everything he'd ever taught his students or learnt during university went straight out of his head leaving him staring dumbly at the blonde. "Do you want to get some...more I'm sure somewhere sells them."

He shook his head, mumbling into his arms. "I've got something stronger it'll last for a couple of days but it's..."

"Illegal?"

"Yeah." Came the breathy reply. "Don't worry I'll feel better with some fresh air or something. Show me everything your home has to offer."

He inclined his head towards the window and Mathias smiled, hopping down from the table eerily silent as he hit the ground and padded over. When he was within reach Lars pushed a joint between his lips. "Something a little less stronger but it won't fuck you up as bad."

"You're so good to me." Mathias chuckled before slipping through the window and taking his seat on the very edge. Lars followed suit.

They sat on the windowsill, staring down at the drop beneath their feet with a strange satisfaction. It was dizzying the way the ground was so far away and they were so high up and how the slightest lack of balance would have them gone in a matter of seconds. Their fingers were linked together as they looked out at the city, the odd car glinting the reflection of the sun back up at them and the seemingly hundreds of bikes flooding the streets. Mathias mumbled about how fragile everything was and voiced Lars' exact thoughts when he continued on to say how quickly it could all end, it probably wasn't the safest idea to have the Dane somewhere so...tempting almost when he was in that state of mind.

Mathias smiled when Lars nervously asked how he felt, he felt as if he were rooted to the spot just by the contact of their hands and it was unbelievably sappy and dare Lars think cute. He watched from the corner of his eye as the Dane took his relaxation from something a little less illegal than what he already had as a support and blew the sweet smelling and tasting smoke out to mingle with the air, he kicked his legs back and forth, three quarter sweat pants his protection from the wind and obviously the thin singlet wasn't doing much for his upper body from how he trembled but he didn't complain. Lars himself was wrapped up warmly, using the same relaxant as the other in his own separate share.

"Don't you just have the urge to jump?" Mathias whispered in wonder, his eyes getting wider the longer he kept his gaze down.

"Right now? Nee. I'm enjoying my company too much."

The wind continued to blow their ash around even after they'd finished their tubes of the drug and gently nudging the Dane he pulled him inside and away from the ever so alluring ledge that has his companion mumbling about death so quietly he had to strain to hear it.

xxx

He eyed up the board resting in the crook of the Dane's arms wearily. He himself hadn't ever really skateboarded even when he was younger he found bikes a lot more comfortable and he was sort of hoping at the back of his head somewhere that Mathias would have the same thoughts on the matter but...he was proved wrong when he pulled on seemingly out of no where and stated he wouldn't weigh Lars' bike down more than he already had been if he had his own mode of transport. True it'd be easier to carry around but...

Eh. He needed to get a lid on his neuroticism.

He shook his head in resignation as they left, the sound of the wheels clicking against the pavement before Mathias was standing perfectly straight and smoothly weaving his way down the street, he had to peddle quickly to catch up. Occasionally he'd tell him where to turn a corner, trying to remember exactly how to get where they were going but it was like pushing through muddy water in his thoughts until they actually got to a point that looking familiar. The train station was bustling with people and mutedly he tried to tell Mathias about it, the smile on his face and the laugh that came with it were worth his efforts, his voice much too low to be heard over everybody else who kept bumping into them or snarling under their breath when they wouldn't move because Mathias would be standing entirely still with his camera to his eye taking photo after photo. Staring the Dane down for a while afterwards he ended with an eye roll and brought their tickets. Afterwards when it had arrived and they were sitting side by side with Mathias glued to the window as he watched the scenery, as he was going through his wallet he noticed double the sum he'd paid had been slipped in beside his I.D. He didn't need to ask, the nod that came from the blonde was more than enough conformation.

And eventually after a lot of trial and error.
They fucking got there without Mathias breaking something on that board much to Lars' relief once they'd gotten on the streets.

Water from the docks washed against the bricks that contained it all with quiet sloshes as they came to a stop right outside one of the cramped buildings. And Mathias, sitting down on the curb beside Lars' trying to light a smoke and talk at the same time had ceased his chatter all together once he realised it was becoming one sided. Rather he took up contorting himself in ways Lars didn't even think possible to capture more of the scenery and people with his camera lens. The Dutchman smiled to himself, trying not to reflect on any happy thoughts that came with the place but in the end found himself sitting beside his friend and doing exactly that while he filled his pipe.

"It was the last flat Alice and I had before she talked me into moving with her to Frankfurt." Lars said before Mathias could ask. "The university here...has a lot of opportunity when it comes to what area I wanted to go into so we lived here just while I got my BA and she did her own thing. Economic things I didn't really ask much about it."

"Leiden's really pretty." Mathias muttered, his head moving to rest on the brunette's shoulder as he puffed out smoke. "You were born here weren't you?"

Lars nodded. "We moved to the rural areas when our parents died...and then to Amsterdam for secondary."

The Dane made a noise at the back of his throat that sounded like an agreement and something else. His fingers fiddled with the ends of Lars' scarf with his lips pursed as if in deep thought and just as Lars was about to ask the question he felt he'd been asking since he'd met the other he smiled and pressed his face against his shoulder to protect himself from the sun and wind.

"Amsterdam is lovely too." His camera was held out in front of them both and he felt Mathias twist his head to look into it. "Smile."

When he did the camera clicked numerous times until the point it grew ridiculous and he was laughing, he couldn't and didn't understand why but it seemed like it was perfect for the moment and the shaking coming from the other indicated he was in a similar state. They sat staring up at the building for a little while longer while tourists, citizens and students strolled past, occasionally flashing the pair an odd look and some recognising the blonde or perhaps both of them on the curb with their feet in the gutters.

"Should we get going?" Lars said. "I've got a few more places I'd like to show you."

Mathias nodded and rose to his feet, joints in his knees cracking from sitting in the same position for too long and he lend a hand down to the Dutchman to take to pull him up.

"Lead the way."

They went to the park, to the libraries and to the university. The entirety of the time consisting of Mathias trying to get photos of everything he could or clinging onto Lars' hand. And for Lars, he was smiling as he spoke, the expression still feeling odd but under the happy atmosphere his companion was carrying he couldn't help but join in on the blissful feeling...and well express it on top of that. They hardly talked unless it was about Lars' past for once, the Dane listening intently and nodding along with what he said until something caught his eye and had him running to capture it with a quick click and a flash. His attitude at the park was almost identical as it had been the first time they visited the one in Hesse, the rise and fall of his moods entrancing and scary at times when he spoke of how he felt such sonder for the things around him until he fell entirely quiet again after he voiced his opinion on Lars' voice sounding sonorous of all things.

Lars laughed at the long and complicated words that came from the man who looked like he would be more focused on his appearance than the meaning of words, but he took pleasure it in. If anything Mathias carried the honeyed tones of sonority better than he did, especially when he was so fluid with his use of words. He didn't know what caused them to start rolling around the grass, flowers being crushed under their combined body weight as they play fought. Mathias despite his lanky limbs contained a strength that upped Lars by a lot and had him pinned in seconds with the Dane grinning over him in triumph. After walking away with aching legs and places that were sure to bruise the Dutchman surrendered, contemplating where the hell Mathias hid that strength. They ended up sitting on one of the benches on the riverside, the Dane again curled at his side except this time with Lars' combing his fingers through the almost gel stiff locks of hair. When his fingers brushed along the skin of the other's forehead was he able to feel the ridged lines that carved into his skin. Frowning he continued the petting for a while longer until he felt them again and his frown deepened.

"What's wrong?"

"Hm? Oh uh nothing just thinking." A chuckle vibrated against the Dutchman's thigh. "It's like a paradise here, it's so still."

"Most of the screaming children would have gone home by now."

Another laugh, more audible than the other was felt against his leg and Mathias smothered his face against the denim. "Do you want kids?"

"God no. Too much work plus I already have you."

"Takk." Mathias moved around again so he was looking up at the Dutchman through sleepy eyes. "I don't either. I'd hate to try and raise somebody in this world."

xxx

They'd long since arrived back in the capital to get back in time to catch dinner somewhere. Mathias' chin rose from the table, his eyes turning dark as they flickered around behind the Dutchman. Curses and profanities spewed from his lips as he rose and before Lars could ask what was wrong he looked down at him, expression one of pure panic before he twisted his mouth up into a shaking smile and pressed a kiss to the Dutchman's forehead.

"I'll meet you back at the hotel okay? Just try to get there quickly."

"Why?"

"I think somebody's been following us."

"Let me go with you if you get hu-"

"It's to do with me not you." Lars felt the loss of Mathias' mouth moving against his skin as he spoke when he pulled away. "I'll see you soon yeah?"

Hesitantly he nodded and Mathias tossed him his wallet before stalking off with a cheery goodbye.
When he got back to the hotel he was surprised to say the least to hear the sound of running water and without much thought he pushed through the slightly ajar bathroom door and stared down blankly at the blonde who was still fully clothed save for his jacket and shoes and was sitting at the bottom of the shower with his arms wrapped around his knees, clasping onto a bottle of vodka and his hair stuck to his forehead. The scabbing on his lips had been reopened and the previously torn up state of his knuckles made an appearance again as if he'd been punching walls out of anger. Lars wouldn't put it past him.

Instead of stripping down he abandoned his shoes and jacket and slipped in beside him, an arm slipping around the back of Mathias' neck to draw him in close. It was hard to tell under the rush of water but he could have sworn the other male was crying. Streaks of red swirled in the water and down the drain, coming too quickly for Lars to say it was just the damage of his knuckles and lip.

"Did you know if you drink enough alcohol it almost tastes like love?" He slurred from between his knees, his voice sounding hoarse and it cracked between syllables. "And sanity."

He didn't ask about the other source of blood, the knowledge was already there and frowning slightly he tucked Mathias' head under his chin and held him until the heat of the water became unbearable and made him light headed. Rising carefully he pulled the Dane up to his feet and still holding him as tightly as he could plugged the drain and ran the bath. Mathias looked at him, eyes empty but head tilted in confusion and silently with a gesture Lars asked for permission before getting the other out of his clothes. Mathias swallowed thickly and nodded, raising his arms up at their sides us Lars pushed buttons through the holes of his shirt, noting how a few were already missing, and moved down to his trousers. He left the room for a moment afterwards to let the Dane do the rest out of respect.

He ducked in briefly to pick up the Dane's wet clothes and throw them along side his in the wash, however Mathias stood bare looking into the water as it overflowed and his arms hanging limply at his side. Exasperated he drained half the tub, cleaned up the mess on the floor and aided the Dane into the bathwater with a bottle of shower gel on his lap before he left again to change into warmer clothes and tidy what he could of the room before he swallowed his pride and went back in to check on the blonde.

His knees were brought up to his chest again and his hands made shapes out of the bubbles floating alongside his pale calves, Mathias hummed to himself tunelessly as he lost himself to his own thoughts. Lars sunk to his knees and pressed his head against the edge of the bath. Rolling up his sleeves he dipped his hand in the water to link his fingers through Mathias' immobile hand and sat there for what felt like an eternity.

"Have you heard of the enchanted river?" The voice came as a whisper, Lars had to strain to hear the other speak but he shook his head in response. "It's in the Philippines rumour has it nobody has ever reached the bottom. The clarity of it changes depending on the time of day I ah...I went once and just sat there watching it for ages it's really pretty."

"I'll have to look it up." He murmured back, voice shaking in his fear of breaking the tranquillity blanketing them.

"I'll take you there one day." The water shifted and a hand wormed it's way into Lars' still damp hair, stoking through the locks lightly. "It's amazing in depth...kind of like you. You're a deep thinker I like that."

"You are too."

"It's not the same. Mine's just...mental illness talking half the time." He turned to press his chest against the edge of the bath and ran his fingers down he edge of Lars' jaw. "Yours...you're scared of so much but you're brave at the same time, like you have a lid on it until it gets too much. That's strength. It's nice. You're nice. And refreshing. Better than a cup of coffee. More addictive too. You make me feel like I have some humanity still."

Again he repeated. "You are too." Lars tried not to let his eyes fall down on the angry lines marring the other's skin. "Addictive that it."

"Are you going to stay?" The question came quickly.

"Are you scared of me going?"

"Yes."

"Then I will."

He washed his hair and back for him, cupping his hands to rinse it all off before he pulled his out of the tube and wrapped him up in a towel, instructing him to get changed like he was child. And perhaps he was, a childlike wonder for dangerous things and incapable to do things when it began to get too difficult in his head. He pulled the plug and stood leaning up against the wall as he watched the water gurgle down the drain feeling his energy going along with it.

Lars was almost grateful to see the other male dry and in his pyjamas, perched on the edge of his bed as he turned music up on his laptop and sunk back into the pillows. His hollow smile was haunting, even as he held a hand up to latch onto Lars' sleeve and drag him down onto the mattress beside him. They lay beside each other, letting the singers voice wash over them as they stared at the ceiling and Mathias' fingers danced down the length of the Dutchman's arm to hold onto his hand again like an anchor.

The silence between them was heavy, eerie until Mathias said something that sent shard of ice through Lars' veins.

"Am I alive?"

xxx

"You know I hate the outdoors, which is funny considering how much time I've spent out there but..." Mathias leant in real close, his hands clasped on either side of the Dutchman's face and he positively beamed. "Your eyes are making me reconsider that. They're just so fucking pure you know it's like they can't settle between rich pine or grass they're just so green. How does that even happen? Like your sister has nice eyes but they're kinda flat until you get her in bed but you...Shit they're always so intense."

Lars stayed rooted to the spot, stiller than a statue and feeling as if the other were digging right into the darker corners of his depths of his soul with his stare. He opened his mouth as he tried to find words, a thank you or a question or a statement that died as soon as it met his throat.

"Sometimes when I was at work I'd just go and find a forest or something you know to try and remember the colour but it just isn't the same. Not as clear. Too much dirt around whereas your irises are the clearest things I've seen in my life."

"This is getting a little obsessive here."

"Shut up I've seen your notebook, you've described my eyes and my hair and my skin and my voice in a million different ways give me a break."

Panic settled in his bones until he saw the other's warm smile that finally met his eyes that he had indeed written a description for in ever way he could. Pinching his nails into his palms he looked down and shrugged sheepishly. The only couple in the coffeeshop looked at them worriedly but eventually continued on in their conversation when Lars shot them a glare. Mathias sunk back into his seat looking proud with himself as he finished off his coffee and curled his feet around the middle of Lars' calves. He raised an eyebrow to which Mathias just rolled his eyes and tugged him closer with the position he had until Lars bumped painfully against the edge of the table.

"Can we go shopping?"

"That's what we did all of yesterday."

"Yeah but like I want to buy you things."

"Mat-"

"Come on it'll be fun."

"I hate peopl-"

"I'll buy you one sweater. One. Okay if that will appease your stingy-ness and I'll get a matching one it'll be cute."

He sighed and nodded. Soon finding himself being dragged away from their half eaten brunch to thrift shop after thrift shop on his own mindless direction. He was thankful that on their last half day in his home country he could enjoy the warmth of the other against his back again and the risk of broken bones was lessened no matter how quick Mathias' reflexes apparently were. In each shop came Mathias throwing sweater after sweater in his direction and making him change into them, each one too big and with some hideous design until he asked if they could just get something plain that he wouldn't feel like ripping to shreds.

Lars always had mixed feelings when it came to second hand clothing, one it was always cheap so his wallet wouldn't be weeping in his back pocket but...Other people...had worn it...before him...He was thankful the Dane noticed his discomfort and made a promise to wash what they brought as soon as they were back at the hotel. So after seemingly dozens of shops they left with their spoils on the back of their shared bike and again he was able to fully appreciate the weight of the blonde.

Back in their hotel room with the sound of the dryer rattling in the next room over the sound of their movie, some generic action movie with too many explosions and shitty acting did they relax entirely into the worn down couches. Well 'relaxed' was a bit of a stretch. Mathias slid onto his lap, arms curling around his neck as he littered kisses from the beginning of his jaw to the corner of his lips, light pecks that the Dutchman had long since began to be accustomed to. However when their lips met it was deep, a slow melding of lips that grew faster until they were all but panting into each other's mouths and the Dane's fingers were gripping tight in his hair. The air between them was thick when they broke apart from a breath, their eyes equally as heavy however Mathias' bore and underlying confusion that Lars didn't look at for long as he buried his face into the other's neck, pushing the fabric of his jersey out of the way and sucked his mark into his skin. The Dane tipped his head back, a happy purr like sigh leaving him at the attention.

The Dane feel silent above him, his breathing quickly becoming ragged through his nose the longer the Dutchman kept his mouth plastered to the skin just over his jugular, the harder he forced his mouth to work in the rich red of broken capillaries in a blotchy line. When he tipped his head up, tongue still hanging past his lips a string of spittle connected the tip of his tongue to the bruising canvas he had been working into.

Lars watched in unadulterated wonder as Mathias slid between his legs and limply rested his cheek against the tenting in his trousers, his bottom lip rubbed against the denim as he nuzzled in, tongue unrolling out to curl around his zipper.

"Whoa no, no, no it's fine. You don't have to..."

"I do..." His voice split. "I do have to."

"No Mat please don't push yourself..." His voice died off when vacant eyes flickered up to him, and trying not to linger on the fact his greatest fear came true he smiled weakly and pulled the other back up to his knee. "Really. You don't."

"But I need to repay-"

"This isn't a business deal. It's fine." Lars smoothed his hands down the Dane's arms in what he hoped to me a soothing gesture.

"You called me Mat."

"I did?"

"Yeah...it's nice." Mathias left his spot on the other's lap and trailed off to his suitcase, rifling around until he found what he was looking for and with a sheepish smile he gave the Dutchman a warning while he wrapped a belt around his upper arm. "I uh need something a bit stronger."

Lars nodded once and made his hasty exit from the room as a needle pricked through the Dane's pale forearm. Making use of the now dry pullover he slipped it over his head and took to curling up in the middle of the bed and drowned out the sounds of Mathias' curses with the heaviness of exhaustion.

He dreamt of his lips being pressed to Italian leather that was attached to one of those thin yet toned legs of the Dane who smiled down at him lazily. On either side of Mathias were the four unwelcome visitors from months earlier and had not been mentioned since, he was surprised he even remembered their faces. Reaching down Mathias ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head. His voice sounding like static in the Dutchman's ears. Don't do that my friend, you're not lower than me by any means.

The longer he stared into the wolf's grin and the distorting face of the other male he found himself unbelievably believing that indeed. They were equals.

And as his eyes flickered to the glinting sheen of the gold and red crown that sat nestled in the Dane's hair he was overwhelmed with an undeniable pleasure.

"Mathias...the fuck are you doing?" Lars huffed, eyes cracked open sleepily. A wet tongue pressed against the fabric of his briefs sloppily, mouth open and panting hard against the bulging fabric, rubbing his eyes and propping himself up with his elbows he looked down open mouthed.

"Shut up and enjoy it. Just repaying the favour you wouldn't let me before." He patted the other's hip until the Dutchman, sleepy and disorientated pulled his briefs away unthinkingly. He barely had time to register the way Mathias' eyes grew wide and his tongue flicked out to wet his lips before his mouth was on his cock and sweet-merciful-jesus-fuck-where-did-he-learn-to-do -that-with-his-tongue. Sinking back down to the pillows he tipped his head back and rolled his hips up into the mouth that swallowed him down with ease, the tip bumping against the back of Mathias' throat undoubtedly uncomfortably but really he couldn't find it in himself to give two shits as he was being lavished with attention so perfectly with the same mouth he'd been fantasising about for nearly a year. A leg curled around to press the heel of his foot into the pronounced dip between Mathias' shoulder blades and he press down in time with the bobbing of his head. He tried to keep as silent as possible, teeth ripping into his lips as Mathias's name threatened to drip off his tongue.

He almost lost it when the Dane hollowed his cheeks around his length and sucked hard, swapping between suction and twisting his head down to the base and Lars' toes curled and tensed every time he felt his dick slide down that throat. The faintest scratching of teeth along the underside was what brought him to his sudden and unexpected release, a shout in the form of the blonde's name on his lips and he foggily realised his hands were screwed tight in the other's hair to keep him in place. His semen was swallowed down without a protest from Mathias, and what wasn't caught leaked from the corners of his lips as he pulled off.

Then he started laughing. And laughing and laughing until the Dane was brought to tears. Lars, confused and a little hurt rolled over onto his stomach and hid his face in his pillows. Suddenly Mathias wormed his way onto his back and started massaging the Dutchman's shoulders tenderly, still chuckling under his breath, or lack of, until it died down to nothing while Lars was still being lavished with attention. Which seemed a bit backwards to Lars but he didn't say anything as they delved into blissful silence.

That was until Mathias began his snickering again. "You look really cute when you're getting head, you like...go all red and glassy eyed it's adorable."

"Shut up Mathias the quiet was nice."

"I mean you're even silent. I've never met somebody who was silent before it's sort of worrying. Did I do a shit job?"

His voice sounded as if he were utterly heart broken and worryingly Lars tried to roll over but another obnoxious chuckle emitted from the Dane who placed his knees overtop of his hands and prevented him from moving. "I know I didn't. That was the quickest anybody's ever cum as well with my mouth."

"You're kind of intense."

"You're kind of adorable."

"Very funny."

"No seriously you're like all grumpy looking most of the time until you smile and then you get these dimples and your eyes go all bright and happy and yeah you're adorable."

He had dimples and he was well aware of that and he was never ever smiling again after that reminder. "Mathias. Where do we go after this?"

"Back to Frankfurt I suppose."

"Back to normal."

"I'm afraid so." Mathias sat back, regret etched into his face. "My job ah...doesn't allow me to have relationships."

"Why's that?"

"It's silly to be attached to somebody like me Lars." The Dane rolled over onto his back and held his hands up above him, fingers outstretched before falling into fists onto his chest. "Stupid and idiotic but...I guess it's too late for you hm?"

"Much."

He was so attached to the translucent and forever masked Dane who felt like home and something entirely different. His dreams were birthed from how he imagined Mathias in another life and he felt like even in sleeping he would need to request mouth to mouth to give him air and bring him back to life from every single nearly heart attack inducing moment spent in the other's company. They sat together for a while, Lars catching his breath with each deep inhale and Mathias appearing to be listening to every exhale. Eventually they had to leave, their bags already beside the door and tips left on the table alongside them and with one last sorrowful goodbye they departed.

And every single good memory was left behind with it.