I suggest listening to this in the last part of this hell is around the corner - Tricky

Anyway yay! Oh you guys have been absolutely amazing!
There's a quick change of P.O.V and a little more back story to Mathias halfway through but I hope it's alright? Anyway I hope you guys are having a fabulous weekend and I'll see you next Sunday! (or earlier depending on how fast I write the next chapter, I'm on school holidays now so I should have heaps of time haha)

Just what I am - Kid Cudi

They fell asleep after creating a make shift hut with Mathias' duvet pulled over their heads like a flimsy protection from the outside world and Lars was unbelievably surprised at how much he talked at or to, he couldn't tell, the Dane who listened to him intently with a nod of the head or the odd comment to fuel Lars to speak further. When the Dutchman mentioned how he'd stay outside in the coldest of winter months, coupled up in the rabbit hutch where it was only just big enough to fit a pre-pubescent teenaged boy and coddle his floppy eared companions only to find himself in his own bed the next morning did he see the warmest of smiles grace Mathias' face. It was that same smile he fell asleep with and Lars was able to trace his fingers around the curve of Mathias' lips and dip into dreams with a smile matching his counterparts.

He woke up at the the crack of Dawn and had to untangle himself from the sleeping blonde to get ready for work. Mathias grumbled under his breath and tried to hold him closer but he shook him off, distracting him with a peck to the lips before wrenching out of his hold to claim the shower and eventually the espresso machine which he watched sleepily, still trying to dry his hair with a towel and slide his feet into his shoes. He left in a while later on his bike with one final goodbye to the Dane and his backpack weighing him down.

It was like saying goodbye to a lover. He'd nearly forgotten what an almost but not quite relationship felt like.

He didn't even know what they were by this point. He was just happy it was something.

Lighting his pipe he turned up to work a little more than stoned and feeling like he was totally 100% okay for teaching a class of varied 'budding' psychologists or whatever they wanted to do with what he droned on about.

"Good work on the new job Lars!" From behind him a musical voice congratulated him and Feliciano bounced up to his side with his German suspected-to-be partner in tow. He sleepily turned around, blinking his boredom out of his eyes from waiting in line to get a single coffee and gave the pair a confused stare.

"New...Job?"

"Yeah! The offer in Brussels wasn't it?" The Italian tipped his head to the side, looking almost like a puppy dog with the massive smile and bigger eyes to match it. He really, really didn't look his age when he did that.

"Oh ah I didn't take it." He turned back around and quickly ordered, stepping aside to lean against the counter while the pair ordered.

"What why!?"

He bit on his tongue so the truth didn't slip and turned his eyes down. "I've got a perfectly good job here."

"But it's better pay and you said on-"

"Feliciano I don't think that's why he didn't take it." Ludwig interjected and oh Lars could feel that cold blue gaze burning into his forehead. Grabbing his drink and nodding a thank you he made quick haste to a table without looking back up at the German to see if they would follow. He didn't have to already he knew whatever conversation that had started would end up feeding every other conversation between the three of them for the rest of the day.

"Huh?" A sharp elbow was dug into the Italian's side and his eyes widened. "Ooh...I see."

"Hm." Ludwig tried to hide his smile with his mug of coffee.

"Hm?" The Dutchman said irritably. "What no that's not why..."

"You're a terrible liar." The German's smile remained contained in his eyes. "If it wasn't what we think it is you wouldn't know exactly what we're talking about."

Lars resisted the urge to tell them both to shut up and stick out his tongue childishly. That kind of behaviour wasn't appropriate in a work environment and he had a reputation to maintain. He knew he intimidated the bigger half of the student body, most of the students were visibly shaking when they were asking him a question about their work, assignments or whatever. He couldn't fathom why, perhaps it was his default expression of deadpan or the fact he sounded so sharp when he talked groaning inwardly he rested his head on the edge of the table as the other's talked amongst themselves and he pondered how quickly he could slip away without them noticing to claim the usually empty art room.

It probably wouldn't last for long seeing as he was the centre of attention at the moment even if he didn't really want it. He just wanted to crawl back in bed beside his Dane before the other had to disappear off to where he went for work and again the house would be overcome by a heavy silence and loneliness he couldn't quite describe. He would curl up beside the fire on some nights after getting it started at feel withdrawal from the brutal honesty that he'd see in Mathias' eyes as he watched the flames and Lars, watched him. And already he found himself missing that, even at work where he was surrounded by people that talked to or at him he felt...

Alone.

Tipping his head away from the table he finished his coffee, fingers tapping impatiently on the top of the wood not in impatience to get back to teaching but rather in impatience to get back to the only place that gave him solitude.

And he thought with fingers itching to do something whether it be write or draw about the very inspiration for such notions that devoured his creativity and digested it into something far more interesting and far more complex. His teeth remained gritted on the edge of the paper cup that had held his messiah in the form of caffeine as he was brought more and more on edge with the urge to go back home and get another taste of what he so desperately craved, addiction in the form of saliva and lips and warmth a,,n d... He tried not to groan a second time and rather than tap out an irritated beat with his fingers he settled for jiggling his leg under the table while he tried to recreate the taste of Mathias with his imagination. He had found destruction beautiful, demolished buildings, rotting scenery, things that he couldn't touch but could admire from a far as it decayed in on itself or was taking apart piece by piece by man and perhaps that's how he found Mathias so...

Intriguing.

His own personal version of self destruction wrapped up in the fragile case of a human body but burned visibly from the inside out with the fuel of illness and something else he couldn't quite understand just yet.

He was thinking too much, perhaps he needed to stop listening to those tapes about 'what _ sounds like'. The one on schizophrenia fucked him up worse than anything else and he felt so desperate to understand what exactly whispered to Mathias. If it was what Lukas had claimed Mathias had, he hadn't seen any form of treatment around the apartment nor did he witness any episodes. It however made sense with all of the other problems his Dane had, the depression...personality issues...

Chewing on the inside of his cheek he sat back up, trying not to delve into it too much. He didn't need to focus on Mathias' flaws right now he just needed to focus on getting through the day and calm his god damn nerves. Everything was fine, he was fine, work was fine, the world however was not but he was fine for the time being and his universe in the body of wild blonde hair and even wilder blue eyes for all he knew was just as fine as he was at that moment.

However he wouldn't have a clue if his assumptions were to be correct until he went back home.

His leg started shaking again.

xxx- mathias

He went through the scene a million times with the man who's name he never gave enough of a shit to learn the name of and now at the tender age of 14 and already figuring that people were shit the world was shit and he was quickly joining the scum humanity by that point and on his way to making rock bottom his bitch. Mathias gave the person who was apparently who he crawled out of the last slither of affection she'd ever experience before he slipped out the blade he'd been concealing in the sleeve of his sweater and dug it into her stomach, she dropped quickly and her red painted lips screamed out hoarsely, red the same colour as the stain spreading across her much too expensive dress and slipping onto the hardwood floors. Humans were weak, fragile and so easy to be damaged and Mathias had the pleasure to watch the false idea of strength die from those dark brown eyes that hardly resembled his own.

The man he'd never cared to know about was the one to carry her from the room and into the lounge, a blanket draped across her midsection to hide the worst of the damage that now seeped into the leather and left a metallic smell in the air that Mathias had been trained up to be accustomed to ever since he was able to understand the meaning behind the word 'death'. After his father figure had come through with a slam of his new car door did he make sure that he gave him the same fate, however more gruesome with the knife pressed to his neck, the exact same knife he'd use to tear into his own body until it was blunt in later days.

He was congratulated by the man, told he did a fantastic job and was praised up but he didn't feel like he did even a good job at that. For fucks sake he just killed two people because he was simply told he had to. However as he was cleaned, redressed and told to wait until the right moment to pretend to panic and cry did he just accept things as they were and accept the fact that he was probably and most definitely mental if the pills he started popping before going to bed said anything. He'd left smiling knowing exactly what he'd done but entirely trusting in the abilities of the people who had taught him how to defend himself and eradicate the world of people who didn't deserve to share the same air as him and thankfully they'd lived up to his expectations and nobody even suspected the bright eyed and easy going blonde could ever swat a fly.

He woke up with sweating his his hair and anything that could be counted as fabric to his clammy form and almost immediately began heaving with his nightmare of a life still caked in the corners of his eyes that held the painful reminder why he shouldn't ever do the sleep thing. Briefly Mathias noted he'd woken up entirely alone as was almost thankful for it as he made a full on collision into the tremors and desperate craving that sat on the ledge of withdrawal for the stupid fucking needle and white powder that he sold and worked for, lived and killed for, was too fucking reliant and addicted to, to be healthy in any shape or form. His feet were misplaced as he stumbled his way down the hall to the bathroom and his hands slid along the pristine white walls that acted as a support.

Bile rose in his throat and he was lucky enough to get his head over the toilet seat before he started gagging up absolutely fucking nothing but spit bile into the bowl that made stomach acid burn against the back of his teeth and it tasted filthy on his tongue and gave him mouth an overall shitty taste that reminded him of nights with too much cough syrup and on the better nights where a cock that made his throat raw from the desperation for money to pay for a fix that he now received at that drop of a hat as soon as he muttered his last name. Or if he were luckier a bat of an eyelash, either way you get the idea.

He thought himself pathetic for relying on such a stupid thing, though the need for it every three hours changed to three times a day ever since he'd met the object of his new addictions. A stoic brunette who swore he never smiled or laughed yet did exactly that whenever they spent time around each other. A healthier alternative to the belt and heroin and cocaine that made him smile just a little wider than he needed to, though Lars was stupid. Intelligent but so fucking stupid to have gotten involved with Mathias but he wasn't complaining. Oh no, there was nothing he was scared of more than losing Lars in any sense which was strange...he hadn't been scared in a very, very, very long time. Lars kept everything at bay, the voices the delusions the panic and mania he was able to keep Mathias more balanced than the Antipsychotics Mathias was very careful to hide and take only when he felt an attack building up so Lars wouldn't suspect anything and fuck he probably needed to take one at that moment.

Clozapine. Shitty stupid pills but whatever they kind of worked.

He'd give anything to keep him there and if it meant trying to sober up even a little he'd do whatever he could to make sure he'd make that promise reality. Though it wasn't really a promise, okay is just agreeing, if he'd said okay, I promise I won't, maybe then it'd be valid. Excuses excuses. He laughed bitterly before rolling up a Euro and sniffing up his sanity in the form of powder. Yeah he'd 'give it up' definitely. Totally. Of course he fucking wouldn't who did Lars think he was?

Mathias groaned and slammed his head against the sink, shakily downing the pills to keep him sane and having to accept the fact at some point he'd have to buy more and deal with the sympathetic looks of the Doctors who handed it over to him. Yeah he knew he was fucked up, really fucked up, batshit insane and he couldn't give less of a fuck half the time but as soon as people started pitying him and talking down to him for being mentally ill would he actually mind. Sighing Mathias sunk down to the ground, his knees brought up to his chest and rested his head on his arms while he waited for his medication to kick in. He regretted not being more convincing of keeping the Dutchman there with him, he wouldn't be feeling so shitty or scared or paranoid or so fucking lonely if he were still there. But he had a life he had friends and he had a job outside of Mathias and he couldn't deny him of that no matter how selfish he wanted to be most of the time and keep him all to himself.

Oh but Mathias needed him, he needed him so much to the point that the monsters in his head grew so loud until they overcame his entirety and became him, it was always the darkest when there was distance and he could have sworn he could feel that bitterness whispering on the edges of his conscious. He'd long since learnt how he'd been made into something of his own nightmares, parts of himself that make him uncomfortable varying from his weaknesses to his worst thoughts to his vanities and cravings were always sitting in the corner of his head, or rather sometimes in the corner of the room when he was with himself and the monster he'd created that pulsed through his veins. Too ugly to be anything in particular, not human and not himself but somehow it was him and it made him sick to his stomach. As a child he'd never been scared of the dark, because he knew monsters didn't hide under his bed or in his closet. He was scared of himself.

Because his own monsters hid where it mattered most.

Tipping his head back he stared at the lights on the ceiling until his vision grew blurry and his eyes heavy and he heaved himself up on aching muscles to the kitchen to indulge in the last part of his self prescribed medicine. A shot of Jaeger and a cup of coffee later he was feeling decently human and was able to actually do normal people things to pass the time.

xxx-Lars

He stretched his arms above his head just as a mocha appeared at his elbow and he looked up to smile appreciatively at whoever was the saint that gave him liquid salvation. Ludwig sat down wordlessly beside him with barely a nod and starting going through his own class schedules. Sighing to himself the Dutchman continued flicking through paper after boring paper and considered just telling his students to go do research on whatever for forty minutes or so, so he could get a proper break and preferably get his ass home.

However life didn't work that way and he was stuck worrying about Mathias in between trying to memorise what information he were to relay in the next class.

"What's he like?" Ludwig asked, his work put neatly to one side. "Mathias I mean, girls talk about him like there's nothing more important but it's all just gossip."

He blinked a few times trying to formulate a proper description and settled for shrugging. "Nothing like what they say. He's unbelievably strange. Really. Really. Weird. But a lot wiser than he looks."

"And you're in love with him."

"I...don't actually know." Lars rubbed the nape of his burning neck. One look at the German confirmed that red had rushed to his face. "Ye...ah?"

"There's nothing wrong with it don't look so worried."

He didn't really know what else to say, and busying his mouth with the coffee so his thoughts didn't reach his tongue he let himself feel just a mild tinge of dissatisfaction at his own vague answer to such an easy question. Mathias was beautiful just like he appeared on the glossy covers of magazines, his smile just as charming his eyes just as sultry but he was indeed beautiful in his thoughts, for the light bounce that came with his words and sparkle in his eye when he talked about something he enjoyed. He wasn't just weird, no matter how true it was it shouldn't have been the first thing to pop out of the Dutchman's mouth. If he were any different a man and not so damn socially awkward he would have said how Mathias' ability to make anybody smile or laugh was one of the most incredible things he'd ever witnessed even if deep within the Dane he wasn't feeling the same amusement or joy as they people around him. How not only was he something incredible on the surface...

But deep within him there was something even more radiant that it was impossible to describe in any language.

Though Lars was lucky enough that his company for the afternoon wasn't idiotic or blind and rather gave him a feather light smile out of fondness or recognition or something. It was a little mocking maybe that somebody younger than him would give him such a smile but he let it slide. He knew that Ludwig knew exactly how it was.

Well look at Feliciano.

Or don't.

"So why are you interested?" Lars said hesitantly, his fingertips digging into the edges of the paper to try and steady himself.

"It's not everyday you meet somebody who's slept with somebody famous." Ludwig's smile pulled his lips back to bare his teeth and the general effect was terrifying but he got up and left, taking that god forsaken grin with him and left Lars to relax...

Wait how the fuck did he know he'd slept with Mathias?

Biting his lip he watched the German leave him in a walk of absolute grace and staring down at his hands he tried to get his brain to compute with the fact that yes indeed that just happened and yes indeed it appeared the whole fucking work place knew he had his dick in one of the youngest multi-millionaires.

His last class for the day started just as Ludwig left and the students began filling in and swallowing thickly he began to explain the behaviours of sufferers Agoraphobia and tried not to pay attention to the people in the class that looked pointedly at him when he went into the specific symptoms.

"Sufferers rarely experience physical symptoms as most people with agoraphobia tend to stay clear of situations or environments that can cause them either anxiety or panic or even both to severe levels. However when they are triggered some symptoms can include uh hyperventilating, dizziness, feeling fain, ringing in the ears etcetera. Though if the physical symptoms are triggered they can end up fuelling the fear that people will notice the panic attack, that their heart might stop or that they can't breathe or even that the sufferer might be going insane."

"Sir is that what you have?" A petite blonde piped up.

"No Lili, it's just a little anxiety." He was waiting for that question to come up. They all knew he had something, more than once had he had to explain no it's not this no it's not that...just as he said 'a little anxiety'.

"But isn't that what Agoraphobia is sir? An extreme case of anxiety?"

"It's a different kind of anxiety now would you mind if I continued on teaching the class Miss Vogel?"

"No sir."

"Danke. Anyway continuing on, behavioural symptoms can range from anything however the most obvious are one, or more, of the four. Avoidance. Reassurance. Multiple forms of safety behaviour and Escapism.."

xxx

There was something buzzing under the Dane's skin when he kissed the back of his neck in a welcoming. Like static energy it was keeping him super charged like the after taste of adrenaline and it had Mathias tensing instantaneously and his muscles locked together and froze before he caught air of who exactly was placing sloppy pecks along the curve of his neck.

"Don't scare me like that idiot." Mathias chuckled, turning around he littered his own affections over the corner's of his mouth. "How was work?"

"Boring? How was being lazy going for you?"

"Watch it I'm flying out tomorrow." A flick to the forehead signalled mild irritation but he didn't appear to be hurt. Lars caught his hand and continued his kisses down the lengths of his fingers to the queen like slant to his wrists. "I'll leave you alone for tonight if you keep being mean."

"Sorry your majesty." He chuckled against skin stretched tight over sharp bones. Mathias pulled away with an eye roll and rose from his seat.

"Have you ever been to a strip club?" Mathias said over his shoulder, turning on the sound system as he beamed at the Dutchman. The tune was slow and the flow of smoke from incense seemed to ghost along with it in time. "And not one of those cheap things I mean a good one."

"Never been to any sort of strip club."

"Ah you're too vanilla to be a stoner or fucking me, anyway." The Dane wandered back over, a sway in his hips and step after purposeful step accentuating it in time with the slow beat. "I guess you don't understand what a private dance is so...the includes no touching...at all. You just sit back and let me ravish you without ravishing you."

"Why the sweet treatment?" Lars said as he took a seat per request.

"Just giving you a little something for looking after me so well...and cause you know I've got work to do." There was something on his face Lars couldn't quite read but it was quickly replaced with a heat in his eyes and a swipe of his tongue as he took a spot on the Dutchman's knees. "How long can you resist temptation I wonder?"

"And where did you learn this?"

"I lived on the streets for how long Lars?" He chuckled, nuzzling his face against the crook of Lars' neck his breath ghosted over his skin and left behind a pleasant tingle. "I learnt a few things...when I needed money. I was stupid to think I was poor then when all I needed to do was check what was left behind for me. But it taught me some very...very valuable skills."

The rotating of Mathias' hips was sultry enough to be classed as illegal, his hands travelled down each other bodies in the exact same manner. Plucking the buttons through both of their shirts with quiet snaps, working from the bottom to the top and the slip of fabric of erotic enough as it was. His legs were spread on either side of the Dutchman's thighs, knees bumping against his hips and the fluid movement of the Dane's body travelled from the languid lick of his tongue against his lips to the shift of his legs. Lars was utterly hypnotised by the smolder in Mathias' eyes to the slight part of his lips and slender fingers that smoothed down the gyrating of his hips.

Their shirts equally remained open, Mathias' barely hanging onto his shoulders as he knelt closer, his head hanging over the Dutchman's, forcing Lars' head to tilt back to keep eye contact. Mathias' eyes remained dark and hooded, a dangerous glint in the upturn of his lips as Lars clawed at the pillows behind him for some form of self control when the other began to roll his hips again in mid air. Contact between them kept to a bare minimal and remaining just between their legs as Mathias let his hands wander over his own sides, his chest, the dip of his neck and collarbones. He dipped back eventually, his shirt falling to the ground with a whisper just as his own hands pulled at his hair and accentuated the angle of his neck.

Lars whined at the back of his throat as indeed the temptation was becoming too much to resist. His arousal tugged painfully at his jeans while Mathias sat up further, removing his trousers to expose his own hard on and he swallowed thickly finding it unfair how he couldn't indulge the twitching of his fingers on the curves of the Dane's body.

Mathias settled in his lap, the circular motion of his hips now full contact against his own and again another embarrassing whine was drawn from the Dutchman's throat. Lars' eyes rolled back in his head when the other's filthy tongue licked up the length of his neck and flicked at his earlobe, a chuckle vibrating off the end of his tongue and sending goosebumps to rise on the back of Lars' neck. Bitten down nails clawed down the Dutchman's shoulders, ridding him of his shirt in the process and left angry, uneven marks on his skin.

At that moment did Lars give into the thirst for contact and pull the Dane in for a deep mesh of lips and tongue and teeth. The massaging and clicks of their teeth turned wetter and desperation rose in the roll of tongues as Mathias' rutting grew slower, more profound and purposeful in the search for delicious friction.

Mathias whispered into his mouth along with the steady beat of the song. "Heat from the sun somedays slowly passes..." He broke off in a short moan when they rubbed together just right. "Until then, you have to live with yourself."

Lars held on tight to the underside of the Dane's thighs, and drinking in the lyrics for himself did he stand up and take Mathias to bed. Trying to keep his footing from ending them both sprawled across the floor and with great care and mild concentration did he manage to get through to the closest bedroom and dump the other on the sheets. Mathias' legs automatically came up to curl tighter around his waist and he remained proud at how their lips managed to stay locked the entire time from travelling to the lounge to what Lars suspected to be his own room. And indeed when he patted around in the bedside drawer, pulling away only to look for lubricant and take of his jeans it was confirmed that the sheets Mathias was stretched out across were his own.

The Dane continued to sing to himself to the faint ending of the song from the lounge as he dragged his fingers up his own erection and hisses through his teeth as he pulled his lip through them. Mathias pivoted when Lars came back his fingers cold with lube that only warmed up once they were working inside of the Dane. Lars scraped his teeth down the back of the Dane's neck, tonguing the worryingly bony grooves of his spine as he stretched him open and oh how he was ready to feel that heat all over again.

He'd never get bored of this.

He coated his cock in more lube, jerking his hand over it once to smooth it all over and was barely able to contain his shaking of anticipation. The excitement that ran deep and pulsed through his system drove him deep, past the Dane's entrance and he only just had enough time to remember to try and find his prostate before he pushed in completely, his chest pressed against Mathias' arching back and his nose nuzzled within the nest of unruly hair.

The wet slapping of skin was barely audible over how fucking vocal Mathias was, his moans ones of pure unadulterated lust and Lars could feel his toes curling at the edges of his legs every time he brushed against the single bundle of nerves that drove the heady moans to choking begs for something more. His hips stuttered in a resemblance of a pattern, trying to mimic the same rhythmic rolling that came from the blonde under him. With every slow drag out and a sharp snap in proved it still wasn't enough to sate either of their needs.

Quicker he penetrated the blonde until they were both reduced to nothing more than hushed groans laced with shaky pants for air. Mathias trembled and tightened around him, a call of his name or something sounding similar coming hoarse from the Dane as he came, entirely untouched and Lars would have felt some form of victory at causing the other to reach release from nothing more than his cock. That would have been if he wasn't stifling his moan against the back of the other's neck.

He found it cute how Mathias mumbled to him brokenly in Danish, the language making absolutely no sense to Lars who snickered against his shoulder blade in between peppering kisses down trails of freckles. Eventually Mathias' tongue caught up with his brain and he was able to create sentences in a language the Dutchman could actually understand.

"You didn't follow the rules you dick."

"Yeah yeah I don't see you complaining." He muffled another laugh against the dip between the other's shoulders.

"Sssh...hhhh." Mathias flopped his arm back in an attempt to hit the Dutchman who simply caught his arm and turned him back around so Mathias was lying on his back beside him. "Dick...you're a dick..."

"I know."

"I have work you dick."

"I know."

"I have work in a little less than eight hours you dick."

"How long are you going to keep calling me a dick for."

"Dick, dick, dick, dick."

"Very mature Mathias."

xxx

He was gone in the morning, only managing to keep Lars awake long enough to kiss him deep enough with the lingering hints of another to be continued chapter to each of their lives that would be left to be written and finished at a later date. After Lars had drifted back into unconsciousness and was rudely awoken by the screeching of his phone and bolting up he looked over to where his blackberry sat on top of a parcel suspiciously in the shape of a book and well something else. He smiled fondly, turned off his phone and tore open the brown packaging to finger the gold lettering against the black leather bound cover.

However the other gift that was inside the package made his cheeks burn scarlet and pressing his lips together he pulled out the stuffed bunny with it's soft fluffy ears and pure white fluff and almost swore at the silver thread that spelt out his own name on it's left paw. It appeared Mathias listened more than he gave him credit for and tucking it under his chin and hugging it close the way a child would a safety blanket he grinned to himself and took to flicking open the first page of the book. A note fluttered out onto his lap and struggling to read the scrawled writing he figured it wasn't meant to be fully understood, the language not one he spoke and later when he wasn't already running late for work would he search for a translation.

Lars.
You bring light to the darkest parts of me
And numb the troubled mind that is unable to be seen through this calm exterior
You numb it with an unexplainable happiness
It's strange
I used to think I was ready to love the world
when I was younger
but it didn't treat me the same way so I began to
hate everything
nothing understood me at all
but then you came along with your stupid hair and stupid green eyes
and stupid stupid beautiful accent and ponderous words that
I began to find a new world to love
I love I love I love I love I love I love...