Shit this is really late I'm so sorry school just started again and blah anyway I'll start back up the Sunday pattern again after the con next weekend
I keep on getting ideas for this that change if I'm going to stretch it out or finish it soon and really I might go with the flow for a bit until i come up with a solid end haha if you guys have any requests or ideas feel free to shoot me a message!
Hope things have been amazing for you lovelies see you soon!
The Neighbourhood - Cry me a river/say my name
The Dutchman barely slept the night Mathias came back, it wasn't from how he would have liked to have spent his night but rather from hearing a quiet howl of anguish coming from the hall and the occasional loud retching. Unsurprisingly Mathias was still up when Lars dragged himself out of bed to the screeching of his alarm and he was thanking the gods for him existing as he could hear the sound of mugs being put on the counter and the espresso machine purring. He crept up behind him, hearing the slightest chuckle as in he banging into the side of counter in his sleepy state. Well there goes the element of surprise. Lars tucked in behind the blonde, his hands slipping up under the other's shirt, effectively untucking it from his trousers to press his hands against the other's chest and reel him backwards.
"Hmmm g'morning." He mumbled into the back of Mathias' neck, fingers lazily tracing the plains of his chest and slight hinting of rib under his skin.
Mathias hummed in response but said nothing more, not even when Lars littered affection down the arc of his neck, thickly layered make up covering up what it could of the bruises so they weren't as noticeable. And again after inhaling a little too deeply did he register the Dane was smoking inside again.
"What's wrong?"
"Huh? Oh nothing just tired." The easy lie was enough that Lars nearly choked as soon as the other had said it. Really. He wasn't that stupid. He could only just make out the edge of his lip curving up around his cigarette. "Forgot to sleep again, anyway you need to go get ready for work I'm leaving in five minutes."
Lars plucked it out from between the other's lips and took a drag, a strange bitter tinge flavouring the butt that made him turn his eyes down to the glass of half empty juice sitting near the sink alongside a bottle of gin. For some amazing reason he didn't believe Mathias for a second. He finished the other's smoke for him and slipped it down the drain before skimming his hands up and down the length of the other's arms to hold his hand. He was made up of smoky lungs, scars and deep words the only difference was now Lars was free to hold his hand and god was he happy about it. He heard the Dane sigh happily and lace his fingers through the other's tightly and they fit perfectly against his own. The galaxies cowering in their bones had their stars shining bright as an equal sense of adoration or...no it was love that was set alight and burning between them. He breathed through lungs weighed down with parasites and saw through eyes filtered through a lens of monochrome and Lars worshipped, adored and respected everything about him. His hobbies included editing a novel about his life, he hid his feeling and thoughts behind metaphors and sometimes it felt like in his moments of weakness every word and breath was a way of convincing his shadow to stay with him, it felt as if he didn't know Lars was following him on his heels. The string of fate wound so tightly that they were mere inches from melding into each other.
Though it seemed as if Mathias was scared of his inner corrosion spilling into the lives of people who pass him by. Whoever invented the idea of languages hadn't anticipated the creation of the Dane who didn't fit the description of any existing word or easy sentence.
However if Lars was half the poet he thought himself to be he would have told him he'd picked up what had managed to seep through the layers of confidence, of a masked personality and careful sentences and was working to rid it of the impurities before giving it back to him.
A throaty chuckle brought him out of his state of mind and he smiled to himself, giving the other's hand one last squeeze before tearing off to shower and get ready for the day, the bathroom smelt like something sour, an indication and reminder from whatever the other was doing the night before. He'd left the window open while he finished off pulling out his small collection of clothes for something decent and at least clean to wear to work, going back the stench was a little more tolerable and was made pretty much undetectable once he'd sprayed a little deodorant. He could hear a faint apology coming from the other side of the door before he stepped into the spray of shower water.
By the time he was done he was left alone in their home with a new mug on the bench, and thankfully the contents inside was still warm.
xxx
This time when he found a cup of coffee and a brown paper bag at his side it wasn't from the thick hands of his German workmate but rather the undeniably familiar freckled hands of somebody entirely different. He looked up, bewildered as Mathias smiled down at him, eyes flickering to his face to the piece of art he was working on. Nothing too spectacular.
"It's my lunch break so I thought I could give you a little piece of heaven. That's amazing by the way." He gestured to the canvas before pulling himself onto the table and sipping at his own drink. "I thought you taught psychology?"
"Yeah I do, it's just...a break I guess between teaching nobody comes in here." Lars put his pencil down and sat back, arms stretched above his head. "Who told you where I was by the way?"
"German kid, I think he was one of the lecturers here from the way he was dressed." Mathias' fingers drummed against the cardboard. "They're pretty young here."
"Yeah they were kind of desperate when they started hiring I think. How's pouting in front of a camera going for you?"
"Spectacular the smell of vomit and tears is always a highlight to my day." He started to tug on the Dutchman's sleeve. "Lets go outside come on it's beautiful out."
"It's raining."
"Exactly. Now lets go."
Lars sighed and packed all his things into his bag, a jersey stuffed somewhere under assignments and his sketchbook. His irritation melted away at the million dollar smile he was given in response to giving into the Dane's wishes. He was relieved for the fact most of the others that would have been lurking the halls had hidden themselves away in libraries or lecture halls meaning they were free to quickly take off out into the freezing cold. However he wasn't anticipating a familiar blonde from one of his classes to pull out into one of the halls and stop dead in her tracks once she'd processed who Lars' partner was. Mathias laughed at his side at her reaction and nodded in her direction and Lars could see her physically melt at the attention, he tried to ignore the possessiveness that flared in his chest, and even the petty glare he sent in his student's direction as he dragged the other through the halls a little more roughly than he was before.
They said nothing as the Dutchman continued to tug his counterpart to somewhere a lot more secluded and with a lot less shelter from the icy pelts of water that flattened their hair against their heads. By the time he'd pulled Mathias around the corner arrogance was sitting heavily on the Dane's shoulders and his cigarette packet was quickly becoming his best friend. The warmth of Mathias' arm was torn away and used to keep his flame from going out as he set another addiction on fire.
Mathias sagged against the dripping bricks, his smile gone as he watched behind him. His nails clawed at his forearm through his thick coat, the hand not doing anything curled unnaturally at his sides, fingers splayed and twitching...it was almost psychotic. The twitching and visible sheen of sweat across the other's forehead pointed to the signs of withdrawal. The bags under his eyes from lack of sleep...the nights waking up to hearing the other crying down the hall as he emptied his guts into the toilet bowl... He was lucky to have told the other to give up the hard self medication when he had the chance or else this would have been a lot worse, he was disgustingly happy with the fact that the blonde had found it in himself to go through with it. Lars watched a leaf the most startling shade of red he'd ever seen brush past the both of them in the forceful winds. Being tossed and turned by the turbulent air and heavy rain. Was it a sign or a warning.
He watched it drift down to the ground where wilting flowers were laughing up through the earth before turning back to Mathias.
"You've given it up haven't you?" Lars said quietly, his eyes burning through the indifference that was layered on with a trademark smile stamped over top. Mathias blew smoke in his face before looking away towards the campus and he wrapped an arm around himself.
"How long until you have to go back inside?"
"That's not answering my fucking question Mathias." Exasperation riddled his Dane held up a hand and shook his head.
"I asked what time?"
"In about twenty odd minutes why?"
He grinned.
"Sutte mig."
"I don't uh."
Mathias took a firm hold of his shoulder and forced the Dutchman to his knees with a strength Lars had forgotten he possessed. His lanky frame deceiving to the eye. Water seeped through the knees of his trousers and for the time being he just couldn't give a fuck when those eyes were burning just right. So bright. Intense and authority steamed off the rigid hold to his shoulders.
"Sutte. Mig." The murmur sounded like nothing more than a seductive purr and intention, or rather the request was clearer than day.
The Dutchman fumbled with getting the other's zipper down, surprised to find the other already half mast and it didn't take him long to fix that with a few jerks of his wrist. He heard the other sigh when he swirled his tongue around the tip of his cock and took him barely in. The hitch in Mathias' breathing kept him going further, his own forehead wrinkled in confusion before he let it slide and took the other down his throat completely ignorant of his own gag reflex. Rain water soaked the edge of his scarf and trickled down his neck which for one would have been irritating if it weren't for his focus being entirely put on the length between his lips. He could feel the other about to say something he didn't care for and he let his eyes fall closed as he kissed up the shaft and licked a strip back down to the base, nibbling just the slightest before taking him back into his mouth and used his tongue to try and coax something more than just a few breathy exhales out of the Dane. He tongued at the slit and hollowed his cheeks hard in between bobbing his head, twisting a fraction each time to increase the friction and oh the hand that clenched his hair hard made him moan around the other.
Just when he thought he had him in the right spot did he realise the other was still puffing at his cigarette like he was bored. Growling he pushed himself further, almost gagging from how deep he took him, his hands coming up to roll Mathias' balls in time with his bobbing and when he heard the tube drop and the sizzle of it going out in the water did he feel just a little more content in himself and picked up the pace. Mathias' back arched off the wall each time his nose ended up buried in the coarse hair at his crotch and by the time the Dane forcefully pulled him off did he feel how raw his throat was, how swollen his lips were. Mathias' fingers slid from his hair to his mouth and with one of his hands did he finish himself off, pumping himself right into the Dutchman's mouth that he kept open with a few bony fingers.
Lars tongue curled to catch what it could and what he couldn't ended up dripping off his chin and the rest smeared against his cheek. Mathias collapsed back against the wall, dragging Lars back to his feet so he could thread his fingers through his hair and lick off the semen that had barely dried on his face.
"That wasn't too hard now was it?" He chuckled, pressing his lips against the Dutchman's before pulling himself away to tuck his flaccid dick back into his jeans. "I'm sure you can fix yourself yeah? I'll repay you later."
He caught Mathias by the back of the neck and crushed their mouths together to the point their teeth clicked and he swore one of the Dane's broke the skin on his lip. How long he ground his mouth against Mathias' after those words had left his mouth he would never know. A mesmerising sense of anger and frustration lurched in the Dutchman's throat that had his tongue roughly tasting the smoke flavoured saliva that overpowered everything else on Mathias' tongue and the groan he pulled out of him only agitated him further. How dare he think he could just leave, how dare he think it would be enough to 'fix himself'. His exasperation was enough to keep up the brutality of his teeth and tongue against the other's passive response, and he kept it going until he felt the energy in his abused mouth drain and he broke contact only just. Just enough time to watch the trail of blood and saliva that connected to their lips before it split when he was far away enough.
"You are fucking infuriating, idiotically stubborn...don't you dare leave me right now."
"The answer to your question by the way is yes. It feels like hell." He stole himself a short moment of peace with the knowledge he'd abandoned the drugged up dream world he'd created for himself out of chemicals used on bathroom floors or to reduce the pain of one suffering psychical trauma. But before he could so much as say what was caught in his throat the Dane skipped off and left him standing there aching and needy and a little bit more than pissed off.
He relieved himself in the men's room, his teeth locked around the edge of his hand to muffle his moan as he jerked off to the thought of the earlier events. The way his own dull sense of possessiveness had been turned on him and he was brought to his knees by a single hand and a single thirsty stare had him staying there. Cleaning up had been mindless as was reciting signs of mental illness he'd memorised since he'd been able to get his hands on a book about the subject, the semi interested stares of his students made it harder to stay focused but he managed, keeping his eyes down as he flicked through slide after slide and transformed the information into his own words.
"-A looming sensation of an unidentifiable threat is what is constantly humming in the background of a Anxiety sufferer's mind. It strips away their ability in most cases to function in situations where a larger population of people without the illness would be comfortable. It may be social, educational or even an activity they once enjoyed..."
And life went on.
xxx
Lars curled his toes against clean sheets, his arms under his pillow head resting on the down feathers and he was just about to go to sleep when he felt something come up from the opposite end of the sheets and he nearly shrieked when he felt it touch his toes. Muffled laughter brought his panic down to mild irritation and Mathias slid from the bottom up to where he was. His hair a complete wild mess and his grin not too much better but for once Lars was happy to say the Dane's face was bare of coverage and every single little freckle on his face was visible. A pile of papers and magazines ended up at his elbow not a second later.
"Lars we have to chose what we want in the new studio. Okay so I've got a sketch up of what it looks like..."A piece of rolled up paper was dumped in front of the bewildered brunette. "And then I've got all of this for us to go through before I start ordering things sound good?"
"Mathias...I'm trying to sleep."
"Do I look like I give a fuck this place is going to as much yours as it is mine. Anyway the kitchen and the living room is one space though the bathroom and two bedrooms are their own rooms but then there's a kinda half sectioned off area that can be used as a third room and I thought maybe we could...use that one to sleep in and the other two could be if we need space?" Mathias babbled on and on, ideas being birthed off the backs of others until he was literally spouting nonsense. "BOOKS. I can fill the places with so. many. books."
"Indeed you can look can we do this tomorrow after work? Please? I'm like...dead?"
"You're a kill joy ugh fiiiiiine." Mathias began to get off the bed the same way he came and before he could get much further Lars curled his legs around the other's waist and dragged him back up to where he was previously.
"And where do you think you're going?"
"To my bedroom look not all of us have the ability to actually sleep."
"Yeah yeah I get it insomniacs live the life now would you quit being rude and just stay here until I...do...fall asleep." He held one of the Dane's bare arms once he'd shuffled back up to where the Dutchman was on the bed. He stared across into those light eyes that contained emotion that didn't fit his barely visible smile and traced the patterns on his arms that covered the rain drops of a scattered galaxy in the form of battle scars and freckles. The earlier warmth poured out once Mathias realised it wasn't his tattoo's that he was tracing and Lars could hear him hold his breath nervously. The jagged angry skin adorned his bones and muscles in a hidden horror and when the other's mind seemed to catch up with his body did he feel him pull away and Lars held fast, repeating what had happened months ago he feathered light kisses up his forearm and fell ignorant to the violent trembling that came from his Dane. Or the way his breath came quickly once he'd remembered how to breathe again, almost as if he were on the verge of hyperventilation each time Lars' lips came down on the twisted evidence of a once rancid plague.
The rare and precious tower of bones rattled in thinly stretched skin when his kisses came to a stop, the last one an attempt to convey a kind of tenderness his tongue could not create with syllables. They weren't alone, not like this, they weren't empty, not with each other putting so much into each other to keep them going. Once where Lars had made peace with his own emptiness, with the constant hum of a menacing unidentifiable threat that remained without an object was replaced with somebody to get coffee with, to take walks, to love and hold hands with as he watched his own half empty thoughts dissipate into the night sky as he abolished demon by demon contained within the other.
He didn't realise his every thought had been said in a language they both understood and the quivering intensified as Mathias struggled with his own words they ended up being translated into 'I love you.'
"Can we talk for a bit?" Mathias said after a few brief seconds of silence, perhaps even minutes of hours. Time stretched out comfortably in their own little world of secrets and affections.
"You can talk at me if you'd like." Truthfully he was in love with the deep tones that resonated sweetly in the other's voice at night, the lazy drawl of thickly accented words came like the most intricate poetry to his ears and were accompanied by the back track of his even breathing. Mathias nodded and for a second Lars couldn't believe the carefully spun tale that left the Dane. The deeper he went, dropping his walls and creating them as he went into deeper details Lars could almost fool himself that perhaps for a moment he began to understand what exactly lurked behind the sweet smiles of the Dane. Perhaps he had found a way to climb above those cement solid walls, perhaps he had found the courage within himself to leap over and take in what he could. He was open to talk about what it was like outside of the boarding school. He spoke of twisted palaces reeking of booze and cigarettes and that overall sweaty and downright dirty smell that came with whore houses. The way he spoke about how it felt to be high at such a young age made the Dutchman want to go back in time and save him from the places he stayed in. Needles were always around, used condoms hidden in the corners beside them. The way his eyes glazed over when he tried to talk about exactly he had to do to stay at some of those places was worrying to say the least but his usage of words made it sound all like some fucked up kind of fairy tale. Yellow light bulbs and broken down houses in the middle of god knows where had become his home until he'd come across Elizaveta. Before her just when he'd been 15 was he prostituting himself for a high price and even for drugs just to shut the demons up that whispered to him. As much as he said he didn't mind what he was doing it would have been easier if he had his meds with him to silence the voices and noises that kept him up. He was known for walking away from fights with barely a scratch, he was known for being a lanky kid with a caving stomach and a million boulders balanced on his shoulders.
Before he could go any further the story broke off into ragged breaths and his tongue curled around paragraphs that went right over the Dutchman's head. When Mathias had realised his fault did he stop all together and clasp his hands over his mouth, the violent trembles coming back as his earlier comfort came to a hault and crippled him from the ability to say much else. Eventually Lars ended up pulling Mathias in to his chest once he was done, cradling his shaking form as tightly as he could until he himself drifted off to sleep and still even in his dreams he could feel the other shaking and he could swear the choked sounds of restrained sobs.
His vision faded from the screen shot of the Dane's distress to black and eventually to the soft tones of early morning light.
He woke up alone with the smell of the Dane still clinging to the sheets, vanilla scented cologne faintly flavouring his pillow cases to which he rolled over to smother his face against and inhale deeply. From the dim light and the barely audible song of birds coming from the world outside of his bedroom he was able to deduce the time to be early morning. With his head propped up on the down feathered pillow he decided that if he were to chose between the appropriate time for somebody to be dragged from dreams and the moments just before the tendrils of night time were being chases away by the rebirth of another day he would have easily chosen the latter. The time just where he could imagine just himself awake, save for his Dane who he could barely make out loitering around in the living room, and the rest of the world was still sleeping. He felt barely there, everything an idea or simply non-existent and unreal in general. His problems were the last thing on his mind and any menacing threat of anxiety was only a thing of chance because for a few short moments it was just him, the blossom of sunrise and the dozing world.
Or so it would have been if Mathias didn't creep into his bedroom, to which Lars had already chosen to feign sleep again by the time the blonde had slipped under the sheets beside him with coffee heavy on his breath. Mathias murmured to him curiously, testing to see if he would hear and the Dutchman was proud of himself for having pressed his face against the bedding or else the other would have seen the slow grin that spread across his face. Mathias sighed and with a gentle elegance ran his fingers up the bumps of his spine.
The murmuring started back up again, sounding something akin to a sad background hum. Light and dark mixed together in an inseparable concoction under the Dane's fingertips that continued to trace the line of Lars' back. A storm of faded grey and invisible lightening strikes that could only be heard in the echoes of the other's voice. In a perfect setting he would have been lulled back to rest, only if the crack and roll of the ever changing weather inside the Dane's head didn't take on an audible form. If the ghost of his incomprehensible words weren't keeping him awake. When Lars had completely forgotten to control his breathing and unconsciously held his breath did Mathias stop his humming and his delicate touching.
"I know you're awake." He chuckled thickly.
"I know you know."
"Good are you going to drop the charade now or...?"
"Not until I feel content enough, you have nice voice keep going."
It was happier when he started up again, visions of euphoric colours bleeding behind Lars' eyelids when the Dane rolled the balls of his palms directly into the dip between his shoulders. The warmth trickled from his head down his throat and filled his chest as Mathias' lips soon followed after the tender massage of his hands. It was overwhelming the way it felt as if his chest expanded as the cavity beneath his sternum was filled to the brim with the other's state of felicity. The moment of peace stretched out with velvet tips and weaved between the ticking seconds of time like the space between stars.
"What do you want to do today?" Mathias said eventually, both hands working at drawing invisible masterpieces on the lengths of Lars' arms.
"There's...a poetry slam downtown I heard some of the students...talk about it." Drowsily Lars sat up, regretting the movement as soon as the Dane's hands lost contact and rested in Mathias' lap.
"A poetry slam?"
"Mhhmmm maybe they'll let me do something who knows." He smiled through a yawn, arms stretching above his head until his joints popped and cracked before he sagged forward to rest his head on the blonde's shoulder. "It's not until a bit later but if you don't want to..."
"No, no I definitely want to I just didn't think you'd be into that kind of thing."
Lars smiled fondly and pulled the Dane's head down to level with his own mouth to press a kiss to his forehead.
xxx
He could feel the eyes of many ripping him apart from the inside out and slowly a panic attack threatened to dawn on him. Swallowing it down he looked up past the lights and just took the time to appreciate the fact he was able to take a free slot. The opportunity a rare thing and it would have been a slimmer chance he would have gotten the time if it weren't for Mathias slipping several Euro across to the owner of the small and surprisingly packed joint. Setting his shoulders straight and his back straighter he held the microphone to his mouth and envisioned it as just another class where he'd be talking about something he'd memorised like the back of his hand. Lars hadn't had anything planned, not something written down anywhere but rather he came up with something that he'd had feathering the backs of his thoughts since months ago.
"Hallo uh, I haven't really done this before so if I fuck up don't kill me or whatever." His tongue felt swollen against the backs of his teeth, gritting them and trying to forget his absolutely perfect introduction he continued on. "I uh, I never wrote this one. It's just one I've had for a while you know on the tip of my tongue and I don't really have a name for it for now, it's still...in progress I guess."
He coughed, trying not to take in the mildly irritated stares that came from the crowd. Another second came and went and in that time he managed to think to himself 'fuck it'. Scrapping up a shred of self confidence he let his mind run his mouth.
"I've grown accustomed to the stale taste of liquor after our mouths have met, grown to love the pin pricks and bruises of past addictions that occupy the pale sheen of skin between the universe of freckles. I've grown to find pleasure in the music of your thoughts, the touch of your breathe and the taste of your voice. The scenery of your irises haunt my dreams and the military cemetery of your teeth will forever resonate in my dreams when your name is uttered by a single soul. Your every word is a mixed tape I want on repeat if it weren't for the new material that gets added when you find the perfect melody to create perfectly strung sentences." Lars kept his eyes on the back of the room, trying not to break a sweat or the beat to his tuneless rap at all of the eyes that were glued to him. "You have a way of turning every twisted and frightened thought I've ever had into something that cracks through my bones and tears through my skin until it seems well...almost grotesquely beautiful. I guess I'm terrible at this kind of thing but this is my confession to you. You made indescribable emotions and undesirable thoughts explode through the wall I'd had up to keep words the force of tsunami at bay and for now all I can hope is that my thoughts will ripple in yours and give you the strength to keep the evidence of a too long war from scarring your knuckles."
Lars held his breath as the flow came to a stop and the poetry along with it. At the eruption of applause he mumbled a short word of gratitude before taking his leave from the prying eyes of strangers and sagged in relief when he saw Mathias running towards him, his arms crushing the Dutchman in a hug that stole the breath from him and had him struggling to put as much into it as Mathias was. Lips came down numerous times on his own in between praises in that damn language he didn't understand, whatever effect he'd had on Mathias he'd effectively broken his brain and reduced him to a state where even his tongue couldn't catch up with him.
"Can...can we go home?" He looked over the freckled face that was dusted with a faint flush and the gorgeously leaking irises that smiled up at him. For once he was happy to see the splash of salt water that was drying on the angel kisses adorning the other's cheeks and he worked to rub his thumbs against the warm tears. "
Mathias nodded and he held on tight to the Dutchman's hand while they took their leave. He had to rub at his face to stay awake on the drive home, it hadn't even sunken in that he was back in sweet solidarity with Mathias until the Dane was slipping off Lars' coat and hanging it up. Even then hazily he looked around and let the apartment become more familiar to his heavy eyes. The couch almost looked like something sacred and he let his feet carry him to the cushioning before falling face first into the pillows. Exhausted from the mental strain of ridiculous discomfort from being around so many people. Mathias straddled his lap which if he were in another state of mind he would have found hot, his hands splayed across the Dutchman's chest and the slow burn of mouth on mouth was far from anything sexual. A silenced thank you portrayed through the melding of lips and Mathias sure as hell didn't waste any time capturing the other's bottom lip between his teeth and sucking lightly.
As he'd pulled away to continue on to the very edge of his neck the Dane nuzzled his face against his chest, ear pressed over his heart and the fingers still on his torso tapped out the beat of his racing pulse until it grew slower and slower as he found comfort in both himself and the environment. He was going to let the other have anything and everything he wanted, his mind was not hesitant to accept that as he was enveloped in the state of peace he'd been sinking into at the start of the day.