Okay frick this took ages to write up because of con weekend which was amazing and oh lord I met some amazing people
anyway thank you so much for all of the lovely reviews and such ooo I promise there will be a pattern setting up again some time after exams to when I post chapters and also perhaps maybe definitely I'll post a baby chapter soon
Love you guys lots hope you've had an amazing week

Left Alone - Flume ft. Chet Faker

Time went by unbelievably fast to the days leading up to their move or rather, the light packing on both their behalves due to Mathias' constant reassurance that he'd buy them both new clothes if it came to it, and perhaps even try and order some things online if Lars was too picky or they couldn't find anything suitable. The only thing he'd insisted on was dragging Lars to the tailors to get him a decent suit for his new job. It wasn't too bad, simple black and a perfect fit, but the suit collars in a variety of colours and cuts felt too stiff and restricting around the Dutchman's neck for him to feel at ease in the get up. However Mathias showed his appreciation in several different ways once they were behind closed doors. Afterwards he'd claimed it was their way or saying goodbye to the apartment for the time being and not because he was simply sporting a specific kind of fetish.

Hours before their flight whatever they needed or in Mathias' case wanted was packed away and their cases sat beside the door. Their new home had already been furnished thanks to Lars eventually pulling himself together and choosing not to procrastinate what he wanted any further and Mathias had been quick to get it all sorted out, flying between cities when necessary but it was never for too long. Long enough for Lars to miss him but he always woke the next day to fresh coffee and something for breakfast while Mathias claimed the balcony. And even some of the few times Mathias had flown away Lars had come with him to be filled in on his new position, the sentences explaining how his potential could be used for so much more than teaching being drilled into his head each and every time one of his new employers had sat him down. By that point he was sure his ego wouldn't be able to take much more and he felt like he'd already been in the field of work for years. Surprisingly enough, well it appeared to come as a surprise to Mathias, Lars hadn't ever done the whole psychologist one on one thing that he'd originally gained his degree for.

It may have been for a day or two when Mathias would slip away by himself for preparations yet still Lars felt the absence of warmth and his careless laughter. The only days Mathias had refused to do anything but stay in Frankfurt were Saturday mornings where the Dutchman had no work and plenty of time to sleep in so the blonde would always take it upon himself to be their to hold his hand during the night until he woke up. For that, Lars was grateful, nothing sat with him better than falling asleep to the steady sound of his heart pulsating under the tantalizing texture of his skin. Waking up was always so much better, despite his morning breath Mathias didn't complain he would scrunch his nose and laugh but happily indulge him in a slow burn of a good morning kiss.

As for the moment of time where they were so close to taking off into the sky the spent their last few minutes in the apartment on the balcony where Mathias had perched himself on the rails and was looking down on the tourists floors upon floors under the pair. It lacked all reason for why the Dane was laughing excitedly but for safe measure Lars had taken upon himself to hold on tight to the blonde who he so desperately never wanted to let go. He stood behind him with his hands on his hips and his nose buried in his hair, subtly inhaling to capture the smell of the Dane on the back of his tongue. Mathias held out his arms, leaning over the railing as far as he could possibly go as the wind and unmerciful force of gravity threatened to send him over the edge.

"Do you trust me Lars." He said, voice high and girly in a poor imitation of that god awful movie which Lars still had yet to understand why everybody liked so much.

Smirking into the the other's neck he hummed. "Strangely enough."

"Titanic isn't scripted like that."

"Should have been."

Mathias leant over further until he was practically hanging off the edge, the risk of plummeting into the world below them only reduced by the fact Lars was clinging onto him for dear life. The Dane laughed, his fingers outstretched to the city. "A twist of fate could have me soaring."

"-To the ground where you'd unfortunately meet your untimely death."

He chuckled and slipped back down to stable ground, turning around he ran his fingers through the other's hair and pulled him in till their noses were brushing. "Untimely? Nej. It's inevitable."

Lars watched him out of worry as he continued to laugh to himself, the chuckles dying down to hum and eventually he switched to talking about god knows what. The longer Lars looked he watched in a doze as blood dripped from the edge of the Dane's nose, something he appeared to be entirely oblivious too as he babbled on about literally nothing, something about the depth within things that are said to be literally nothing and if Lars wasn't busy being so fucking worried about why his nose was bleeding he would have spontaneously combusted from the head fuck of the other's words. Only when Mathias' tongue flicked against the edge of his lip where some of the slow flow dribbled down the the edge of is mouth did he pause and touch his fingers above his lip, once he had examined his fingers he sighed heavily, a cursing in irritation as he patted around undoubtedly for a tissue.

He mopped himself up and continued to talk words that didn't reach Lars' ears, the flow of his words a little slower before he went inside still talking to himself.

Huh.

"Lars do you know...what my philosophy is?" Lars blinked and realised the other was done cleaning up the mess on his face.

"No idea. Something to do with being a fucking idiot?"

Mathias laughed and shook his head, the bloody piece of cotton being slipped away into his pocket. "I read it somewhere but it always sort of stuck hold on...Get scared. It will do you good. Smoke a bit, stare blankly at some ceilings, beat your head against some walls, refuse to see some people, paint and write. Get scared some more. Allow your little mind to do nothing but function. Stay inside, go out - I don't care what you'll do; but stay scared as hell. You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetical justice to your soul and simply experience yourself."

"Very poetic." The Dutchman rose an eyebrow, eyes practically glued to where the tissue was hidden. Perhaps he had a point.

"Lars what I'm trying to say is. You need to let yourself be scared once in a while to be able to get over a few things, it's the only way you're going to live and probably the only way you're going to die. Try and be a bit less I don't know..." Mathias sighed, eyes moving as if he were flipping through a book, or a dictionary for the right word. "Neurotic. Go with the flow, live like the sea be wild and reckless listen to the introduction and epilogue to 'Ride' and pretend what Lana Del Rey is saying is actually the law for living."

"And what did she say?"

Another heavy sigh. "Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun."

"You sound like a typical teenaged girl."

"And you sound like a middle-aged man while you're only in your twenties." Mathias grinned, his hands forcing Lars' head up to look at his face rather than trying to burn a hole through his jacket to see the contents. "Being fucked in the head either sets you free or drives you into a corner and never lets you loose. I know you're worried about me but I don't want you to be. Just live, accept things the way they are and keep going on like nothing is wrong in this disgusting, loathing world."

Lars continued to gnaw on the inside of his cheek nervously, a habit, just like the Dane's smoking, just like their combined drinking and just like the habit of biting nails that they also both shared. When he didn't respond Mathias kissed his cheeks, his nose, his eyelids and his forehead.

"Let your thoughts be unfinished, let those bitter sweet memories be birthed into to be continues. Live Lars, live and keep being beautiful and keep seeking out tomorrow and stop thinking about what made things into whatever they are now or what they'll be tomorrow." Another kiss to the edge of his jaw. "We're vile humans, we have shitty life expectancies and that's why you need to let it all go for a while, it'll all be there to piece back together later."

"Have I told you I love you enough?" He muttered. "Have I loved you enough."

"Enough and a lot more than I deserve my darling Lars, so much more."

xxx

Lars hadn't had time after the flight to Brussels to break in the house, nor did he have time to try and memorise the map of the rooms either apart from the fact the living room was broken by a half wall that lead into their shared room. Two spare rooms were somewhere on the other side of the apartment if they needed space but in the short time he had between dumping his case and changing into work appropriate clothes did he appreciate the bare brick walls and the black ceiling that Mathias had immediately taken to covering in glow in the dark stickers and fairy lights. 'For a fake night sky' he'd said and in between his exhausted state of mind did he laugh fondly at the childlike way the Dane had taken to decorating the roof. The walls however were quickly being covered in photographs and notes and books and CD's Mathias had claimed he couldn't stand the thought of parting with.

Though despite him feeling as if he didn't have time in between Mathias unpacking a few extra things around him and he himself trying to get changed into the monkey suit, they managed to slip in the briefest of pillow fights with a silent promise for it to be continued later. Ripped up Egyptian cotton pillow covers and down feathers coated nearly everything in one of the two barely empty spare rooms. Mathias had spent nearly an hour and a half picking the feathers from the confines of Lars' hair while the Dutchman complained about how much of a stupid fucking idea it was to have a pillow fight right before he was due for work.

His first day had started with him looking nervously over the new, but not quite, city. The layout familiar, the streets almost as memorised as the lines and tracks of veins on his wrists but still an irrational bubbling of fear continued to buzz in his head whenever he thought about actually leaving their new home. A kiss on the cheek and a ready packed lunch on the way and before he even had the time to find himself in a state of mirth at the domesticity to it he was pulling his nervous carcass into the back seat of a taxi.

xxx

He slid a finger down the pristine, polished wood of his desk top. Immaculate and clean for the first ever job outside of teaching and running around with part time jobs when he was a student. His suit felt too stiff, too uncomfortable and the shoes still requiring to be broken in but Mathias had insisted he got him a tailored suit and despite the fact he was unbelievably against wearing them half the time he could see why it was important for his job to look professional. Especially with this pay and the people he would have to deal with. Sitting down in one of the few scattered chairs he sunk into the soft cushioning with his head tipped back while he waited for his first appointment.

A knock at the door sprung him out of his half doze and quickly grabbing his notebook and a pen he opened the door with as warm a smile as he could muster without the presence of his Dane.

The small but undeniably curvy brunette looked up at him over the edge of her dark glasses, carefully lined lips smiled up at him just as welcoming as he was hoping he came off as and without his invitation she walked in and took a seat in the chair he was just previously in. Swallowing thickly he took the seat across from her and crossed one leg over the other simultaneously with her.

"So what's been happening for you Miss...?"

"Héderváry. And it's Mrs. I can't sleep."

Lars rubbed in between his eyes and opened up his notebook, sinking back he sized up the woman across from him, who without her glasses perched on the edge of her nose looked strikingly familiar before nodding and starting to doodle a little in the margin. "How long has this been going on for?"

"A month maybe two, I can get an hour or something but it doesn't...last."

"Do you have any idea why that might be?"

"...I feel scared. To sleep that is. Nightmares were too frequent beforehand and now I just can't stop thinking about everything."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

Hungarian. Early twenties probably got a decent paying job from the style of her shoe. Left hand bore a band but from the fact she wasn't referring to herself as Mrs he figured engagement. Tapping the edge of his pen against his teeth he smiled carefully. "Why don't you tell me what 'everything' is Mrs Héderváry and maybe we can try and find what's keeping you up. If I think it's bad enough I will see to prescribing you to medication so... How about we go back a month or two, just as you got nightmares."

She shook her head and chuckled. "I think I'd rather talk about something else it's a bit gruesome and I shouldn't spoil anything for you."

"Excuse me?"

"You know Mathias Kohler right? You're all over the papers with him." The pretty brunette tossed her hair over her shoulder before leaning in. "I know him too. You see he's kinda like my little brother or something. We're not related that'd just be weird aaaanyway... Where was I, where was I...When he found me again he wouldn't stop talking about the kid he saw the one day I made him go to a school, or when he saw the same kid, a little older, at a business meeting acting like a water boy or when he saw him in a club and they had a one night stand. You have no idea how happy he was when he found the same person so many years later after unintentionally, or so he says, sleeping with their sister so. What is it about you that made him fall for you so quickly."

"I'm just a psychologist and an poet when I see fit." He swallowed down the lump manifesting in his throat. "I believe this is meant to be a session about you Miss Héderváry not me."

"Technically it's about both of us. You were still able to fall in love with a boy you met for five minutes and who's virginity I've seen taken in numerous ways by people too high to even realise they were being robbed by a fifteen year old. So good doctor tell me, what did you see in a fifteen year old boy who was still trying to hide himself away from the world?"

"Miss I-"

"Elizaveta please and appease me. These are confidential sessions I just want to know. I was drawn to him because he was able to fight like no other. You on the other hand from what I've heard took one look at him and joined him at the back of the room."

"I was interested and still am but people who seem a little different. And at the time I was the only one who appeared to notice him in the room." He put his notebook down and leaned in to, his curiosity in the strange woman spiking. "Why do you want to know?"

"I just want more of a picture who my dear Mathias is getting involved with. In the past and still in the present he is wrapped up in some very messy things and I just wanted to make sure he had at least somebody to give him some normalcy." She smiled sweetly and tipped her head to the side, the mane of brown flowing smoothly down her arm. "What made you stay with him even now?"

"He still interests me. And it'd be unfair of me to just up and leave him when he means so much to me."

"So you know what he does for a living aside from the material stuff?"

"I know he deals. I know he models and I know he's picked up his parent's business, whatever that was from where they left off."

She frowned slightly but eventually nodded and her fingers began to drum against her thigh. Impatient, no irritation her eyes were too tight her lips tighter. "Impressive. I guess that's all that's important to really know."

"And why are you so intent on knowing what I know? That's not what you're paying for."

"Because you interest me."

For a long while they stared each other down, amusement written clearly on her carefully painted face as soon as the mild irritation was scrubbed away and after a moment of her looking over his face she smiled just a little wider and nodded. "I think our session is up. Thank you Doctor, I think you helped me a lot."

"Do you want to book another appointment?" He said sardonically. Her shrill laughter rung in his ears.

"Oh don't be ridiculous I'll call if I want another. Have a nice week. Oh and one more thing..." She straightened her skirt and just before she left the room entirely she spun back on heel, lips pursed into a scowl and the click of her stilettos against the floorboards imitated nails being dragged down a chalk board. Sharply filed nails were at his neck and the glare she sent in his direction made him stiller than stone. "If you so much as hurt him do not think I won't castrate you and shove your dick so far up your ass your children will end up being born covered in your ancient shit you hear?"

"Yes ma'am."

The twist in her expression almost gave him whiplash as she smiled and clapped her ridiculously manicured hands together. "Great! That will be all. Goodbye Dr Peeters!"

Using a psychologist's voice felt weird in his mouth, the proper sentences even weirder and the lack of sarcasm just put chills in his spine. However by the time he'd recomposed himself and reminded himself that yes he was at work this is a proper place to talk proper act proper, another patient was on their way to knocking the door and seconds before their knuckles could beat down on the wood he'd pulled the door open and given the same warm welcoming to the next person.

xxx

He could barely remember any of the one night stands he'd had before his last few years of getting his bachelors and even then he wasn't too active. However a few distinctive ones were where he saw all of their faces and one where he didn't. Lars was gradually beginning to believe in that whole red string of fate thing, it was strange how many times they were said to have met before the last year and a half. Though with his head against the glass of the taxi window he loosened his tie and tried to think back as far as he could, to sift through all of the past experiences.

It must have been the night he'd stupidly gotten drunk and high at the same time, he'd been too fucked to know what was going on apart from the fact he was grinding against somebody who had been entirely comfortable with it and at some point of the night they'd gone to his dorm room. Maybe. Perhaps. The one where he couldn't see the person's face the entire time, either cast over by a veil of shadow or his face was tucked away against either skin or his hood and a screen of smoke. The most he could remember was waking up with a hangover that made him near homicidal until he'd rolled over and watched the person he'd shared his bed with the night before getting changed and mumbling something about buying him lunch before he fell back into unconsciousness. The thing that made the whole experience different to the other few was the fact that when he woke up the second time he found a wrap and bottle of orange juice on the edge of his table with a small note pinned down with a few aspirin.

Stifling a groan he tried to think back further, replacing the blurred words with the messy scribble of Mathias until he could almost recreate a manifestation from scraps of his memory of what was on the note. No game. He used to use it for a bookmark in his university textbooks which were definitely somewhere in his suitcase still. All it would be would be a matter of hunting.

He brushed past Mathias on his way in, his task set ahead of him and he mumbled a greeting and a quick reply to the question about how his first day was before he went to completely ruining the neat stack of thickly bound books sitting underneath the clothes he still hadn't been screwed to unpack. After hours of turning through page after god forsaken page he finally found the scrap of notepaper and smoothed it out across the hard cover, trying to revive the crumpled piece he hadn't even thought about for a few years. His fingers felt over the lines of faded black ink on the abused and poorly looked after note. Still legible but only just.

You're cute, hope that headache clears up soon headaches are a bitch
Anyway see you around.
Maybe.
P.S I'm still not giving you my number despite that adorable little request. Let's just hope we meet again someday.
Which I'm sure we will
There seems to be a habit with that.

The truth in that note was almost terrifyingly accurate. Indeed if what the queerwoman from earlier had said was truth then Mathias had found him many, many times. When he lifted his head Mathias was standing in the doorway of the spare room, his expression heavy with confusion and his arms crossed as if to protect himself. Lars ran a tongue over his lip before looking back to the messy scripture and again he pressed his fingers against the indentations in the paper as if it had the power to tell him what exactly he was forgetting about the minutes or perhaps even hours they'd spent together that night. And just when he thought foolishly for the third time he understood everything about the Dane he was tossed right back to square one and felt as if he were looking at a mere acquaintance.

"How many times have we met Mathias?" Lars said eventually, his teeth grinding into the flesh of his cheek. "Or rather how many times have we met intentionally?"

"A few, none have been intentional apart from back in Frankfurt." His posture remained tensed as he spoke through his teeth, seemingly as if he were regretting the honesty. "I'm just as surprised as you are, well I was when I came across you. You never recognised me though so I didn't think I should have said anything."

"Europe is a big place how could we..."

"I don't know, the world is a strange and fucked up place but sometimes it wants things to work out."

Fog infected those blue, blue eyes that bore down and ripped through to the Dutchman's soul with a sort of stare that contained a hint of suffering and a hurricane of mild fear. It was those mixed emotions that made Lars consider that perhaps indeed Mathias was just as confused about everything as he was and rather than pry further the brunette smiled up at him to at least bring the sun back through to melt away the grey. No go. The sky in his eyes was not the soft spring it usually was and rather a chilling, bitter sky of the coldest of winters. His hopes of bringing back warmth fell away like autumn leaves in the wind and when he rose to approach the other he was shocked to see him flinch back.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I don't want to know, ever." He smiled back tightly and regained the slightest slither of light back to his hazy eyes. "But I'm okay for now, the question is. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well with all of thi.."Lars pressed his hand over the Dane's mouth, mild pleasure infiltrating his being as the other went as still as a statue. When he felt teeth scrapping against the skin of his palm he almost pulled away until what was caught in the other's mouth was sucked at by his lips. The entirety of that moment he could feel the other's curious stare, could see his fidgeting hands but couldn't find it in himself to let his arm drop. It was ironic, it was cliché, and unfortunately for him it was his life.

The Dutchman opened and closed his mouth, willing words to take the place of the silent gasps that created nothing by gusts of breath on the other's face. He didn't need to hear the rest of his sentence and by this point he was certain the other didn't need to hear whatever he wanted to say. The intensity of the other's stare became shielded by his eyes falling closed. His cheeks softened and the firmness of his jaw dissipated with relaxation, it was an act of passivity for Mathias to entirely fall limp in the other's hold, though there was still something he was anticipating that buzzed under the Dane's skin and sent a current through Lars' nerves. He didn't know what to do with this control he'd just been given and rather than take advantage he pressed his lips to the seams of his own fingers, kissing the other through his hand before moving away and leaving him standing there, tense and buzzing on the spot.

He'd make a quick escape out the front door, suddenly overcome with feeling as if the air was too suffocating in the house and finding himself hungry with the urge for fresh air. Idiotic for him to forget his coat and the bitter autumn wind reminded him of his mistake as well as the touched him with the after taste of the oncoming winter. The air was cool and fresh-smelling, just what he'd felt he'd needed it it weren't from the sky looking so vast and deep. Again for the millionth time he self like he was so very small and insignificant however the feeling came almost familiar. How many times had he felt insignificant to people better than him was several times too many. The light sound of footfall came from behind him and he had just enough time to brace himself before Mathias had his arm slipped around his.

The usually long melody of conversation was nothing but an idea to Lars, he didn't feel the urge to say much more, to ask much more or to know much more. The revived memory of what had once happened lingered like molasses on the ends of Lars' every thought and he was sure any spoken word would be another question just to know as to what else has happened. However looking up at the clear sheet of black splattered with dazzling stars his tongue refused to let him say anything and his lips only parted to suck in cool air, and the endless void smirked down at him with it's dead freckles. If he were a better man he would have prayed to a deity to remove the strange sense of foreboding that filled him but
he wasn't.

Still in absolute silence he watched as Mathias tore off his arm and sprinted ahead, the park not too far in front and he tucked his hands into his coat pockets eyes adjusting to the scenery of nearly dead trees and leaf covered grass before the blonde had dived into a pile of what used to be nature's shelter. A faint smile came to his lips and he stalked forward, standing above the breathless Dane who's arms were moving at his sides to push away the dulled colours of red and orange and yellow.

Mathias smiled up at him from his bed of leaves and a hand shot up to drag him down to earth and have him face first in a pile of nature that sent his anxieties on fire for a few brief moments until the Dane's fingers stroked down the length of his face and caught his chin with his index and pulled him in close. Their noses brushed together and Mathias' fingers soothed through his hair until the slight hitch in Lars' breathing calmed down to normal. Again he felt as if something should be said and again nothing was, he felt a little lost in his own thoughts, confused and irritated with his lack of speaking but just like earlier he could not give into his own desires and internally shook his head in disappointment at himself before resting his head on the other's shoulder.

He let himself be held tight, and he at some point fell into a daydream of nothing in particular with nothing but the cold and dead looking park as the backdrop and eventually a quiet murmur of words the soundtrack to his own fantasy.

I've fallen in love with the ocean Lars, I'm so in love with it and with you that I want to be the salt water on your cheeks so I can be born in the wild forest and die on your lips. Lars I love you don't cry. Lars hold me, no don't hold me. Don't hate me. Don't love me. Lars it's so cold lets go back.

Maybe silence wasn't as good as what would pour out of the other's mouth in moments of weakness whatever concerns he had earlier had spilled in the present and was still riddling him to the point it sounded like Mathias was talking more to himself than to Lars. Lars who hugged the blonde closer and let his nose be dipped in the other's hair and that at least stopped him from complaining about the cold. He didn't remember crying or perhaps it was Mathias who was crying, his shoulders were shaking and his every breath in uneven.

Lars was so far in a happy place, in a daydream of warmth and Mathias and that delicious smell that came with his tears that he couldn't find it in himself to be irritated at the cold, disgusted at the fact they were in a pile of leaves and god knows what, worried at the constant mood swings. He was comfortable and happy to say the least. Things were okay, the city was beautiful and the man beside him even more so and the more said man spoke the more he found himself believing himself that maybe he was just as beautiful as him. He felt just as beautiful and loved as the delicate blue eyes that he felt struggling to stare at him, he felt just as beautiful as what had been forced into his path so many times. Times fallen unnoticed but at the same time the only thing that had been on his mind in his subconscious.

Fatigue had come silently and touched him with it's fingers made of sedatives and then slipped out from under his eyelids to become one with the night again.

xx

"What's your nam-"

"Sssh one night stands don't work that way."

"What if I wa-"

"I'll find you again." He pressed their foreheads together, hips rolling down onto the Dutchman's. The nameless partner mumbled something about him being too drunk to remember anyway. "I'll find you again. I'll always find you Lars."