Chapter Eight

Letting Go of Old Dreams

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh how I need
Someone to watch over me
Someone to watch over me

Gershwin

A few hours later there was a knock on the door.

Sara crept from the bedroom and let Grissom in.

He handed her the medicine.

"Thanks."

He noticed a pillow and blanket was on the couch.

"That's for you in case you're still being stubborn and think I need protection."

He purposely unfolded the blanket, stretching out on the couch.

"I guess you don't care if someone spots your car in my parking lot."

"It wouldn't be the first time," he shot back boldly.

"Why did you used to park outside?" she asked.

He froze for a second not sure how she'd found out.

He had been coming ever since she moved to Vegas but never had the nerve to go to her door.

He closed his eyes, striking the pillow a few times.

"Checking on you."

"Wouldn't you have to do that by coming to the door?"

He was silent for a moment. "I figured if you'd had enough of the job you would leave…by car so I parked next to yours and waited."

"Would it matter if I left? You could just train another person," she said softly.

"I…wanted you," he managed to get out.

"I'm glad you think I'm so smart but there are other qualified C.S.I.s who could replace me."

"No one could ever replace you."

Her heart sped up but she'd been down this road too many times.

"Everyone can be replaced. I think I've recently learned that," she said.

It sounded so harsh coming from her lips and she quickly retreated to the kitchen, not wishing to see his reaction or lack of.

She never thought anyone could replace Grissom but Gracen was proving to be a challenge to her heart.

Her words stung as he lay there not sure what the hell he was trying to prove by staying at her apartment.

His hands were sweaty and his pulse raced at just being near her.

Oh, he'd been near her before in the lab but this was different.

He was in her apartment on her couch using one of her pillows and covering his self with a blanket that smelled like her.

He breathed in deeply.

He'd never been this bold, fearful of rejection, fearful she wouldn't really want him and he could not bear being rejected by the only person he had ever loved.

He thought he had plenty of time but he'd never truly knew what to do about this and now after all these years he was going to be too late, not able to compete with the likes of the man that now occupied her bed.

He gulped for air.

"Night," she said.

"Night."

Grissom listened as she poured a glass of water and then returned to the bedroom.

The shutting of the door made his stomach clench.

"Gracen, you need to take this," she urged.

"Antibiotics…where did you get this?" he asked.

"Grissom got them from Doc."

"I must thank him…he's here isn't he?" he asked weakly.

"Yes. He's on the couch."

"He's worried about your safety. It took a lot for him to come…stay." Gracen looked at her intently.

He took her hand. "Sara…maybe you should give him a chance. He really does…"

She shook her head as she swiped away a tear. "I'm all out of chances. I'm done….with him."

"Are you sure?" he whispered. "Sara, I know your heart. You still love him."

She knew it should feel strange for her to be confiding in someone she had just met, but it didn't.

"I'll always love him…but…"

"He hurts you," he finished.

She nodded.

He caressed the palm of her hand. "Sara, I know how much he's hurt you in the past. I was there, pacing the floor…with you….wanting and needing to hold you so desperately that I wanted to shout in frustration."

She let a single tear escape down her cheek and he wiped it away, leaning forward to kiss where it had been.

"He doesn't know Sara how detrimental his rejections have been. He didn't see how you refused to eat, or stayed awake not wanting to sleep, fearful of the nightmares…and when it got so bad this time…God forgive me I could no longer stand in the wings. I comforted you. I whispered softly into your ear, soothing you as best as I could."

"I thought it was part of the dream…until I felt you beside me and then…heard his voice…but it was your heart…not his. I know that now Gracen."

Tears streamed down her face. "It hurts as if I have a hole in my heart. I've never been worth the risk to him," she cried angrily as she swiped at her cheeks. "I don't want to wait for him to finally give me his love…it's too painful."

"I'm worried about you," he said. "I can feel your turmoil. You're scared."

"He wants me to return to work tonight and I don't want to leave you."

"I'll be fine. I know you…you need to work…but stay in the lab. You're still recovering yourself."

"You took the bullet."

"Gladly. I was so afraid I would lose you. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you."

"You said…that when we're mated…if one of us should die then…"

"We're not mated…yet. Does that frighten you…to think that your life hinges on mine?"

"No. It's comforting in a way. I don't think I would want to live if I lost my spouse."

"My Sara." His voice was like a caress to her heart and she leaned closer, feeling his breath against her cheek. "You love so deeply."

He pulled her into an embrace and she lay there listening to his heart beat.

He closed his eyes. "Search your heart fully…make sure there is room for me."

He drifted off to sleep but she lay there in his arms for awhile.

It was nice to feel so intimate with someone.

Slowly she slipped from the room, trying not to make any noise.

Her apartment was quite small.

She was tempted to crawl into bed with Gracen but it felt odd knowing that Grissom was in the next room.

Guilt descended upon her in waves at her actions toward Grissom and it bothered her.

You have to get over Grissom…

You don't owe him…

Each time she looked at Grissom she felt a heaviness, a sort of mourning for what could have been.

She tried to walk softly through the apartment but Grissom rolled over.

"Is he…better?" he asked.

"Yes. Grissom thank you for the antibiotics." She looked at him and he seemed out of sorts.

"You can't get any sleep on that couch. You should go home. I'm safe."

Gracen was much too weak to be a threat and Grissom knew this.

He sat up not wanting to leave but it bothered him that Sara had another man in her bedroom.

It was very unsettling to his heart.

"Sara…I'm not sure you should drive still…I can take you into the lab this evening."

"How is Nick?" she asked. "I tried calling earlier but his parents seem to be monopolizing his time."

Grissom smiled. "I think Nick will be relieved when they leave. His mother is rather overprotective of him and she's given the nurses grief."

Sara grinned. "And Nick will let her since he's a Momma's boy."

Grissom returned the grin but it faded. "He's lucky to be alive…so are you."

"I'm good…really."

"Sara…" he struggled not knowing how to ask anything so personal.

"You want to know about Gracen."

"Yes."

She made some tea for them and then sat down across from Grissom as she told him about Gracen.

His face hardened immediately.

"He's a fallen angel, Sara."

"His descendants were sent to earth."

"They're condemned…just as Satan and the others…there is no difference in the eyes of the church."

"I'm not religious."

He shifted on the couch. "Gracen…is dangerous."

"Gracen saved me."

"Gracen chose the wrong side and can't change that."

"Gracen did not choose the wrong side…neither did his father. His ancestors did not choose to get involved in the battle. They did nothing but was still condemned."

"Sometimes doing nothing is making a choice."

"Yes, it is," she retorted.

His eyes dropped to the floor.

"I've never heard anything about "watchers" but I do know that the fallen angels were demonized and…"

"I've heard the stories. Demons do Satan's bidding. They wreak havoc on the earth and try to lure people to follow Satan. I told Gracen I don't believe in heaven…or God."

"Then why would you let him into your home? Sara, he is definitely not human. His blood proves that. If you don't believe what he is telling you then…"

"Gracen was told this by his parents to explain their differences. Whether it is true or not, I'm not sure I care."

He let out a gasp. "It's your soul we're talking about."

"Grissom, you're not even a religious person and now you're concerned about my soul?"

"Sara, God gave us free will to decide…you choose not to decide because you don't believe…Gracen may take that choice from you….he's not to be trusted. No fallen angel is to be trusted."

"I trust him."

"Why did you let him get near you?" he asked softly.

It was her turn to look away. "I'll admit he used your appearance in order to get close to me but it was only…"

"When you were with him did you think it was me?"

"Yes," she breathed. "But then I realized it wasn't you."

"How?"

"He didn't hurt me."

He swallowed. "I'm sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you."

"Griss,…it's okay. We can be friends…that's what you always wanted…the safety of friendship."

"Is that what you want?"

She gulped in air, not believing they were finally having this conversation.

"Like you said, sometimes doing nothing is making a choice. I think you made your choice a long time ago."

He leaned closer. "I…wanted…to."

"Gracen gave up his position…in order to come to me. He thought I was worth the risk."

Grissom's eyes widened at the implication.

She heard me with Lurie…

Grissom set the cup down on the table.

"You've always been more than a friend," he pressed.

"I believe those were my words," she threw back at him.

"Yes…they were but I feel the same way."

"You never showed it."

"No…I didn't."

She took a deep breath. "I think we're better as friends."

Show me you're willing to fight for me Grissom…

His gut twisted.

I guess I'm really too late…

"If…that is what you want," he said quietly.

Just as I thought…

You're not willing to fight for me…

She struggled with her emotions, taking the cups to the kitchen.

While she never wanted him to risk his job, she wanted to feel that she was just as important.

"I'll be at work this evening," she said, her voice absent of emotion.

His chest hurt as he struggled to remain calm.

"I'll drive you."

She kept her back to him. "Griss…go home."

She heard the opening and closing of the door.

She turned and he was gone.

She covered her mouth to stifle the sobs.

Why couldn't you fight for me Grissom?

Am I not worth the effort?

She leaned against the counter for support as she cried.

Gracen appeared.

"Sara?"

She turned and faced him.

He opened his arms and she ran to him.

He soothed her as he spoke softly to her. "I didn't mean to complicate your life. Your relationship with Grissom means a lot to you. I won't come between it."

Her tears slowed. "You haven't come between us. We were friends before and we're friends now. It's all he ever wanted."

"I feel your sadness. Are you alright?"

"I will be."

"I think it would be best if I left," he said.

"Why?" she cried as she wiped her eyes, angry that she had broken down.

"I think you need time to sort through your feelings," he said as he leaned against the door frame.

"I don't want you to leave! Please Gracen, don't leave…here."

He sadly smiled. "I won't be far. I just think you need space."

"I just found you…or I just realized you were here. I still have questions…I want to spend time with you. Please don't go," she begged.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He pulled her close to him as he planted a kiss on her forehead.

"Gracen…do you have a last name?" she asked.

"Merci."

"Gracen Merci," she whispered.

He smiled. "My father used to say that surely God would give me 'grace and mercy' with a name like that."

She leaned forward and kissed him.

It was a soft peck on the lips but then she purposely opened her mouth and he took full advantage, leaving her breathless as his lips left hers, scorching her skin until she was pulling at his shirt but his hands quickly stopped her.

"I want you….but not until…I can't," he bit out. "It has to be…right."

She groaned.

His hands cupped her face. "Your heart needs time to mend…from him and then…we can be joined Sara."

"No sex before the marriage," she griped.

"No making love…Sara this is serious. You have to be…fully committed. Once you've taken my blood into your system, there will be a period of adjustment…maybe days before we are ready to consummate…join together."

"Adjustment? Could my body reject…your blood?" she asked.

"No," he grinned. "There will be this slow buildup….of desire…of craving to…join with me. It will consume your every thought."

"Sounds like extended foreplay," she quipped.

"Making love…will be very intense…more intense than anything you've ever experienced. Your body will crave mine for several days until…"

"A cooling off period…the ride down from the orgasm?" she teased.

"Sort of," he frowned. "But we'll always desire one another."

"That's good," she whispered.

"Sara…there is one thing. Once my blood enters your system, you must stay close to me so we can…when you're ready."

"Nothing like being frustrated…for too long."

He grew angry. "If we don't complete the process then you could die. Understand? This isn't to be taken lightly. Sara, this is a very important ritual."

"I'm sorry. The whole thing makes me…a little nervous…and…frustrated."

He smiled. "I can feel your desire, Sara. I can't wait to make you mine but you have to be sure. We have to plan…prepare."

"I feel like I've always known you." She eyed him "Are you doing anything to make me feel this way?"

"I'm not permitted to do such a thing. I wouldn't anyway. Sara, I feel familiar because I am. I have always been here even though you could not see me."

"I wish I had seen you," she said softly.

"It was hard keeping my distance."

"You should go back to bed," she said.

He nodded. "Come with me?"

"I think I'll take a shower…a cold one," she admitted.

He grinned. "You have no idea how many of those I've taken because of you."

She returned the grin. "It does do the trick."

She started toward the bedroom but halted.

"Have you…ever been with someone…intimately?" she asked.

"No."

She looked surprised.

"Like I said earlier, we hold such things as sacred…kept only for our mates…not for whoever will soothe a craving."

"I like that," she said softly.

He took her hand and kissed the palm, grinning when she shivered. "I am experienced in other ways."

It made her lick her lips. "Yeah, you are."

Later that evening there was a knock on her door.

Grissom stood there.

"I'm early…I forgot you might not be ready," he explained.

"Not yet," she said as she looked around the room for her shoes.

Gracen stepped out of the bedroom.

Grissom tried to remain calm. "How are you feeling?"

"Much better. I wanted to thank you for the antibiotics."

"I did it for Sara," he replied.

Gracen smiled. "A good reason."

"I thought I saw a shoe sticking out from under the couch," noted Grissom.

She looked under the couch, pulling out the shoes.

"Thanks," she said as she slipped them on, trying not to lean too far and injure her ribs.

She knew Grissom was watching her every move.

"It was nice of you to pick up Sara…so early," commented Gracen.

"Old habit," lied Grissom.

"Sara…I'm going to go to my house," began Gracen.

Sara looked between the two men before stepping closer to Gracen. "I thought we agreed…"

"I need clothes."

She grinned. "Yes, you do but…you shouldn't go by yourself. You're still weak."

"Since it's my fault that I goaded you into changing back…why don't we go there now? There is still plenty of time before work to give you a lift and then bring you back," offered Grissom.

Sara glared at Grissom, knowing his true intentions.

You just want to know where he lives…

Sara scowled but Gracen extended his hand. "Thank you."

She felt nervous sitting beside Grissom while Gracen sat in the back seat.

Grissom pressed a button. "Like music?" he asked.

Gregorian chant music floated in the air.

Sara glared at Grissom while he gripped the steering wheel ignoring her.

"Yes, I do. I especially love this kind of music. You were once a choir boy," announced Gracen.

Grissom looked surprised that he would know this.

"You were?" asked Sara.

"Yes…I was," he admitted.

Gracen smiled. "I used to sit in the balcony of your church when you were a small boy in the choir and listen."

Sara's head jerked around. "You knew Grissom when he was a boy?"

"Yes, I did. Your paths have crossed a few times. Grissom and his mother attended an art gallery at the same time you did. You went with a class…remember?"

"Yes, I do," she admitted.

"You wore this flower printed dress," said Grissom. "You wanted to stay and look at this particular painting but the teacher insisted you move on so you snuck back. I believe you got in trouble for slipping away from the others."

"How…did you know that?" asked Sara.

"Even then...I noticed your beauty," stated Grissom boldy but then added, "Even then I didn't think someone so young...would want someone so old...like me."

Note from author:

Grissom is going to have to step up to the plate if he is going to win Sara's hand before it is too late...the question is can he do it in time?

Take care!