Chapter Sixteen:

No Going back

She dropped her keys onto the counter later as she stepped through the door.

She'd felt famished and picked up something to eat, hoping to share it with Gracen if he were awake.

She turned and smiled when he stepped out of the bedroom but her smile faded the moment she saw his overnight bag in his hand.

"What are you doing with your bag?" she asked softly.

"Come here, Sara," he said softly.

She immediately went to him, fearful that something had happened to him.

"I've…"

"Gracen, you're shaking. Are you alright? Come and sit…"

He started to reach for her hand but knew if he touched her it would be his undoing.

There was no way he could let her go when she was in his arms.

She waited for him to say something but he remained quiet trying to find the right words to explain why she would never see him again.

He wasn't sure how he would continue to look over her, knowing that he had once held her and for awhile she had belonged to him.

He closed his eyes briefly and felt her move closer.

"Look, I know you're concerned about me but…don't be. Grissom and I talked."

She didn't want to lie to him but she didn't want to come across that this was only going to complicate her life more.

"I can take three days off…more later. We're a little shorthanded and…"

"Sara, Grissom needs you."

"He can get along…the lab can get along without me for three days," she assured him, stepping toward him but feeling a little sick to her stomach when he stepped away.

Please don't treat me like Grissom did…

Please don't pull away…

I don't think I can bear for you to do that…

To be like him…

Fear engulfed her.

She saw the look in his eye.

She'd seen that look before and she swallowed.

It was the look Grissom gave when he was about to rip out her heart.

She stared at the overnight bag, her eyes accusatory.

"Why?" she cried, knowing that he was leaving her.

He took a deep breath. "I can't risk…it."

She braced herself on the counter. "You did," she whispered. "You gave up your position…you came to me. You…made me fall in love with you. I don't understand."

Her voice was pleading as she attempted to touch him but he was out of reach.

She swallowed, letting a small sob escape her lips.

"Why?" she yelled this time.

It was killing him to see the tears streak down her face, knowing that it was his fault.

"It's not… right. You don't belong to me."

"I do!"

"You don't. Sara…you're confused. In a couple of weeks, all of this will be…"

"No it won't! Just a few days away from you and I…couldn't function…I…I…I compromised a crime scene. Gracen, please!"

"I'm sorry," he said as he headed toward the door but she blocked him.

"Why now? You gave me an engagement ring and then…Grissom has something to do with this, doesn't he?"

"He loves you Sara. When you're thinking clearly, you'll see that. You belong to him, honey…not me."

"No! He threw me away! He never loved me. He…never wanted me. Gracen…"

She felt as if she couldn't breathe, gasping for air, trying to remain calm as she pleaded her case.

She'd made her decision!

She'd made it when Grissom had spent years leaving her in agony, giving her a few scraps of attention or a simple touch here and there.

The thought of going back to her pitiful life was too much to bear.

"You said you've always been with me. You know then what he did when…I got involved with Hank."

"I am so sorry," said Sara trying to catch her breath.

"I paged you two hours ago."

"Right. Uh, it's my day off. I was up in Pahrump at some vineyard. You told me to get a life, remember?"

She had tried to make light of the events giving him a smile but it was lost on his expression. He did not return the sentiment.

"Did I?"

Her smile faded as a silence passed between them.

She gulped through tears. "He pulled away after that…leaving me alone…again. He doesn't want me but he doesn't want me with someone else."

She took a small step toward him. "Gracen, let's…let me show you how much I…"

She attempted to hold him but he shrugged her away. "Sara, no!"

It was the first time he had ever raised his voice.

She flinched.

"Just like that? You get me to love you and then you…decide…that I don't know what I want. I want you! Why can't you believe me? What do I have to do to prove it?"

She tried once more to touch him and he jerked away.

She felt as if she couldn't take in enough air as she pulled off the engagement ring and handed it to him.

It hurt him to see the ring removed.

Her hand remained outstretched with her palm open displaying the ring.

"Take it…back," she choked.

He shook his head. "It's yours."

She tossed it on the counter and then proceeded to remove the necklace but this time he stopped her, risking physical contact with her.

"Don't! That is yours…it belongs to you," he said, not sure how much more he could endure.

She shook her head. "You…don't want…me…so I don't want them."

"Sara…"

She removed the necklace and then in one swift motion snatched the engagement ring from the counter and shoved it into his hand.

She turned her back toward the kitchen, not able to bear to watch him leave.

He placed the jewelry on the counter, refusing to accept them.

He started toward her but then rushed out, shutting the door behind him.

He leaned against the door. "Forgive me, Sara," he whispered.

He could hear her sobbing as he struggled not to go back.

He hurried away, trying to stifle his own as he tried to put some distance between them.

She slid down into the floor, trying to breathe through the racking sobs.

"I thought you were different."

He took my blood…

He can't have another lover…

But why did he do this?

She gritted her teeth. "Grissom!"

She lay there in a pool of tears.

"I made my choice…I chose…he can't take that from me!"

The vial…

She slung open the fridge, finding the vial still there on the shelf.

I don't know what to do…

He never said…

She opened the vial, closing her eyes tight as she swallowed the contents.

It was sweet but then it turned bitter as she felt her stomach clench.

She gagged but covered her mouth, breathing in deeply through her nose.

An explosion of colors danced before her eyes catching her off balance.

She grabbed the counter trying to keep from falling.

What have I done?

Visions flashed before her eyes of another time, another place.

Images appeared of persons she'd never seen before.

It was as if she was spiraling through time, the intensity of the images too harsh to bear.

It continued for several minutes and then stopped.

She clutched her stomach as the pain continued again.

Just Breathe…

Her body trembled violently.

Frantically she looked around for her cell phone, spying it on the end of the counter.

She reached for it, but collapsed from the pain in her stomach.

She gasped for air, trying once more to grab the phone.

Her trembling fingers tried to dial it.

Her body shook uncontrollably and the phone slipped from her hand.

She cried out, reaching despite the urge to clutch her abdomen.

Her trembling fingers dialed the first number that came to her.

Her body shook uncontrollably as the phone lay there in the floor beside her.

A familiar voice called out but she couldn't respond.

By the time the pain subsided, the connection was broken.

She tried to dial 911 but the pain hit again causing her body to jerk in spasms.

The phone slid across the floor.

"Gracen!" she cried out.

Pain like she had never felt hit her and she screamed.

Grissom called out once more but panicked when the phone went dead.

He tried to call her back but there was no answer.

He rushed out of his townhouse and jumped into his vehicle, speeding down the street.

He tried once more to reach her and cursed.

What happened?

She sounded…hurt…

What if Vivian or her family decided to finish the job?

He covered his mouth at the implications.

Please God, don't let her anything happen to her….

Please…

Gracen leaned against the building, trying to breathe through his tears.

There were few times in his long life that had brought him to tears and all of those times encompassed Sara.

He felt a jolt and he froze.

"Sara?"

Something is wrong with her!

I can feel her….

He rushed back to the apartment, swinging open the door quickly.

He gathered her into his arms. "Sara?"

His eye caught sight of the vial.

His eyes widened in disbelief.

"What did you do?" he whispered.

He grabbed the vial and found that it was empty.

"You took all of it!"

She cried out in pain and it shook him into action.

He held her shaking body firmly.

"Listen to me Sara. Try to relax. Take my hand….hold on to me."

When she did not take his hand, he quickly grabbed hers.

"I've got you, Sara," he cried as he rocked her back and forth.

Slowly he felt her squeeze his hand.

It was slight but it was enough to give him hope.

She could hear his voice and respond.

"Squeeze my hand when the pain comes," he whispered into her ear.

She did and he kissed her feverishly.

"That's it, Sara. That's my girl."

Pain eased but then there was a tightening in her chest as if the life was being squeezed out of her.

She gasped through the pain. "I can't…breathe."

"Yes, you can. Force yourself to relax. Listen to my voice."

Softly he stroked her hair as he soothed her, telling her the pain would subside.

Her body eased and he quickly lifted her, carrying her to the bedroom.

Grissom cursed when he was caught by the second light.

He contemplated calling Brass for back up but could not afford to get him or the police involved.

He slammed his fist onto the dash and then sped off as soon as the light turned.

Gracen released her hand briefly to run to the bathroom for a washcloth.

Her pain returned but he quickly grabbed her hand.

She clung to him, feeling her body begin to convulse.

"What's…happening?" she begged.

"Sara…you weren't supposed to take all of it at one time," He grieved. "Your body is having a hard time…handling all of the changes at once."

"Didn't know," she wept.

"Sssh, it's okay."

With each scream, he held her closer, his tears blinding him.

The pain subsided briefly.

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, checking her pulse.

He kissed the palm of her hand as he wept.

"Why did you do this?" he pleaded.

"My choice!" she cried. "My choice…not Grissom's."

She gripped his hand tight but then went limp in his arms.

He stroked her hair pulling her closer.

"I didn't want to do it. I wanted you…but Grissom… I would rather give you up than harm you. I would rather give you…to him than risk…" He sobbed as he shouted up to Heaven. "Please talk to me. Please tell me what you want me to do. I'll do it. Take my life, send me to Hell but please…please don't punish her!"

He screamed in frustration at the silence.

He stroked her hair once more, placing a kiss on her lips.

"I love you, Sara. God forgive me but there is no turning back now."

Note from author:

Do you still think Gracen is evil? Do you think it's too late fore GSR? What? We're barely into the story...hang in there. Did anyone forget the angst alert... Don't worry, they are together within a few chapters...but you can't imagine what is going to happen in the meantime...

Take care!