Tyler and I walked back to the house, and when we walked in I was greeted by one of the best sights a man could have. Liberty looked so ecstatic she was practically glowing, Sam was on the floor laughing his foolish head off as Liberty blew raspberries into his tummy. A sweet saddened smile crossed my face. That is what we could have had, had I not screwed up. I hadn't seen her so happy since the day I told her we would live together. I walked over to them and got slowly on the floor. My son looked to me with big brown eyes. He held out a spit covered palm which I let him take mine in. I couldn't help the smile that crossed my face. I tickled his belly and he gave his boyish giggle. It was contagious soon he had me chuckling. Kathy came in an announced dinner was ready. I got up and picked Sam up. I kept making faces at him. His toothy grin was so cute. I sat him down in the highchair before I pulled a seat out for Liberty. Mild shock crossed her face as I waited for her to sit but she replaced it with a smile and I sat down next to her, taking some steak and potatoes.
"So James." I politely stopped her.
"Please Call me Jt" She nodded.
"Jt. What do you do for a job now?" I had managed to get Mark out of my mind until now. I looked down at my plate before I spoke.
"I am a firefighter." I smiled weakly.
"Oh that sounds like a nice job." I just shook my head.
"It, isn't really but it pays the bills and saving a life is great." Kathy looked pleased in my answer as it was a test or something.
"So how many lives have you saved? Hundred percent rate right?" She was joking but images of that night with Mack, the fire the building collapsing the fear flashed before my eyes.
"I'm sorry." I stood feeling sick as I bolted out the back door, into the cool night.
"Did I say something wrong?" Kathy asked, sure she didn't know but joking around about a firefighters life is not really that funny.
"He just lost another fighter, close to him whom he saw as a big brother. Excuse me but I got to check on him." I bolted for the door, and sighed with relief when I saw him sitting on the swing. I walked over to him and gave it a little push, jolting him from where ever he was. The first thing I noticed was the tears on his face. I leaned down and hugged him tight.
"Shh. Jt, its alright." I said softly as to comfort him. He just cried into my shoulder and this was one of the first times I saw him weak, It reminded me he was still human.
"Every night, I have the same nightmare. It's of the fire, but in the end Mack keeps saying don't kill me. Its my fault he's dead. If I never opened that door, then the fire would of never spread to the stairwell. The building could still be standing or Mack could be alive. It was my mistake that killed him." I sat in the swing next to him mildly in shock.
"You never said anything." He looked down at his shoes.
"You were so on edge about Sam I didn't need to worry you about anything else, I am a big boy and can handle it." I touched the dark lines under his eyes that I failed to notice until now.
"How long has it been since you've gotten more than an hours sleep?" I questioned.
"Over a week." His tired voice came. I smiled to him, and took his hand and stood.
"I think it's time we retire to our hotel." He stood and took my hand. We walked back into the house. He walked over to our son and kissed his head, I heard the soft whisper ' goodbye son'. He straightened him self out and we said our goodbyes. He went to get into the drivers seat but I stopped him and guided him to the passengers side. I drove us to the hotel and by the time I arrived he was out cold. I turned off the radio and gently shook him awake.
"Jt, wake up." He stirred with a deep yawn and looked around a little bleary eyed. I walked with him up to our hotel room and he walked into the bathroom. I waited for him, generally we slept apart unless we needed comforting and when he got out he began to strip and I went into the bathroom to change into something he might enjoy to pick his spirits up. Generally I wouldn't wear anything like this but he doesn't mind when I look 'sexy' although I feel silly. I walked out and almost had to laugh. He was asleep on the bed in his pink hearted boxers. I pulled the sheets back and tucked him in before I got in on the other side slightly disappointed. I drifted off to sleep to his soft rhythmic snores.
I was in that building again, I knew what would happen next. The building would collapse. But this time it never came. I was a woken to a bright light.
"Jt are you ok? " Liberty's concerned face stared at me. I was a bit bewildered, what had just happened?
"What's going on?" I asked Liberty's face went to shock.
"You were moaning in your sleep Jt, well screaming actually. You just kept screaming no not him, over and over again." Huh? Who could she be talking about, I don't remember dreaming.
"I don... I don't know what your talking about Libs." Her face showed my confusion.
"It was nothing, go back to sleep Jt." I just let my heavy eyelids fall.
He didn't remember what he was dreaming about? It was another of those nightmares he told me about tonight. Something was wrong and it stemmed from that night in the apartment. There was something he was trying to cover subconsciously and forget. What it was is the question. He was a full time job. I really do love him but something isn't kosher. He would be still and look peaceful and when i woke his limps were flailing everywhere, he had a thin layer of sweat on his forehead and he was moaning, like he was screaming out for someone. He turned over and I saw the thin pink scar on his pale back. I knew what it was like to be close to losing someone you loved. I didn't realize he was this bad until now. I sighed and laid down next to him listening to his heart beat and forget that night I almost found him dead.
I began to realize we both needed help. If a past could suffocate someone we would be close to death.