Chapter Twenty:
Shepherd Protecting the Lamb
He dozed a little on the couch, rigging the door so that he would awaken if she opened it.
He didn't want to be thrown out of her apartment until he was sure she was going to recover.
Gracen could not be precise since their case was unique but he felt it would be safe after seventy-two hours.
I don't feel any different…
Words failed to describe how it felt to make love to Sara.
He had never felt so connected to anyone in his life.
It was sort of like a craving that intensified until it became almost painful to endure.
Already he felt the craving begin again and it would be a matter of time before they would have to "join" again.
Even in his teenage years, he'd never experienced such a sexual drive as this.
He could think of nothing else as he lay there remembering how it felt to be inside her.
He moaned at the prospect of having to be the one to initiate it.
She needs some time to adjust…
She just learned of Gracen's death and now we'll have to join…
It'd have to be painful to endure such a thing…
To join with one while loving another…
His body began a slow hum of pent up energy.
He tossed and turned then rose, reaching in the fridge for a cold drink of ice water.
He intended to do everything in his power to let her be the one to initiate it this time, although, he knew it would only hurt her further.
His eyes flew up when he heard the bedroom door open.
Turning he glanced over his shoulder, to see her standing there in a gown.
"Why are you still here?" she asked.
"I can't leave you...just yet." He cringed at his own words and he knew it did little to break the ice that was forming around her heart. "We have to finish this," he said sadly.
"I don't want to finish this," she choked. "I would have preferred…you took that choice from me!"
He flinched. "I couldn't let you die!"
"You didn't want me but you didn't want anyone else to have me!" she yelled.
"That's not true," he said quietly.
She needed something to throw in his face at the moment so she chose to return to the same worn out excuse of Hank Pettigrew.
"When Hank and I went away for the weekend you drug me back…because you knew….you knew what we were planning to do so you…used my job as your weapon to force me back early."
"I needed you."
He flinched once again at his choice of words but then added, "Hank didn't deserve you."
"Hank was a distraction. A distraction that I chose…to get away from you. But of course you calling me back did the trick."
"Sara, he was only using you. He was already engaged to someone else while he was trying..."
"At least he tried to fuck me, Grissom. At least he wanted me!" she spat.
"Would it have made you feel better if I had waited to let you find out what kind of snake he was?" he asked.
"Gil Grissom to the rescue...to save me!" she seethed. "Did that make you feel justified in spurning me again? Hank was out of the picture for good. You knew I wouldn't go back to him after what I learned so there was no need for you to sacrifice yourself…for us."
"It wasn't like that!"
"I don't care. Do you hear me Grissom? I don't care! I was through with you."
Her hand went to her face.
He was there instantly.
"What's wrong? Are you in pain?" he grieved.
His hands on her skin made it worse as she fought the urge to pull him into her arms.
"I'm…not in…pain," she gritted.
He'd never felt so frustrated in his life.
Frustrated…
Oh shit…
Without invitation he grabbed her into his arms, his tongue dove into her mouth while his hands fumbled with the gown.
He tried to force himself to stop but couldn't, the need to be inside her overwhelming.
He gasped when her hand unzipped his pants, pulling out his shaft.
He had just enough time to lift her onto the counter.
She moaned when his fingers slipped into her opening.
She bucked, already having a full blown orgasm.
He shoved himself inside her as he pumped wildly, each screaming at the intensity of the joining.
He held her, not wanting to withdraw.
Gently he carried her to the couch, sliding on top of her.
Within a few hours they had made use of most of the furniture in the apartment.
The other times were slower, more intense, each savoring the feel of one another's body.
He never cared for carpet burn as they lay sprawled on the living room floor.
He grabbed a blanket, wrapping it around them, cocooning their bodies together.
"This won't last," she bit out.
"Sara, we're joined…for life."
"In a few hours, the need…for sex will ease…and then…I want you to leave."
He brushed her hair away from her face. "Sex...or love. What does the evidence tell you," he whispered.
She burst into tears but quickly swiped them away, angry for the weakness. "I closed my eyes and I imagined it was Gracen."
His chest constricted in pure agony.
It would have been less painful if she had just stabbed him in the chest.
He jerked away from her, slipping into the bathroom, bracing himself against the counter.
He took a cold cleansing shower, grateful that Brass had remembered to bring him some clothes.
He stepped out of the shower, the towel wrapped around his midsection.
The door opened and she leaned against the doorframe.
"Why did you do this?" she asked.
"Do you have to ask?"
"You…did this…because you didn't want Gracen to have me."
"Sara!" he yelled in frustration but then stopped himself. "I'm not fighting with you."
He gawked when she removed the gown, stepping into the shower.
He was frozen in place as he listened to her shower.
He told his body to go to the living room to get his clothes but his body remained frozen to the spot, needing to be near her.
She boldly stepped out of the shower and stood in front of him.
"Do you want to fuck me Grissom?"
He swallowed. "No."
"Then, you will never touch me again because that is all it will ever be."
He shoved her against the wall, forcing her to allow him entrance between her legs.
"Look at me Sara!" He grabbed her hand and placed it on his chest. "I've always loved you. My heart…has always belonged to you," he choked. "It's love…not sex."
He stepped away from her but her breathing was already coming in gasps as she pulled him back.
"Sara…no….not like this. We…"
Her mouth covered his, her tongue seeking his, stoking the fire higher and higher.
They tumbled onto the bed, their bodies entwined once more.
It angered him, that her eyes remained closed.
"Open your eyes," he ordered, withdrawing his shaft.
She moaned trying to force him back inside.
"Sara…open….your…"
She pulled him down on top of her and he sank deeply, agonizing over the sheer pleasure of it.
He could not deny her as he plunged deeper and deeper.
Both climaxed simultaneously.
The tears returned as he held her tight, refusing to release her.
Grabbing the blanket, he covered them.
She beat on his chest while she sobbed but he refused to let go.
Her sobs were replaced by whimpers and then hiccups.
He glanced down and saw that she was asleep by sheer exhaustion.
He wiped at his eyes.
"I'm sorry Sara…that I'm not him. I couldn't let you go…neither could Gracen. He saved you," he cried. "I'll watch over you now. I promise I won't hurt you."
He glanced around the room and sighed.
The plate along with the food still remained where she'd thrown it.
The heap of bed linens still lay in the floor.
They were sleeping on the mattress covering with a single blanket.
He thought to grab some pillows but her head rested peacefully in the nook of his shoulder and so he did not budge.
She cuddled closer to him and he rubbed her back.
"Sssh, Sara. It's okay. I'm here," he soothed.
"Gracen," she mumbled in her sleep.
He continued to stroke her hair. "Just sleep, Sara. I'll watch over you," he whispered.
He'd just gotten to sleep when his phone rang.
He rolled over and answered on habit.
"Grissom."
"Where the hell have you been?" yelled Ecklie.
"Conrad, I'm sick."
"There's a lot of that going around. Warrick and Brass disappeared for hours and then you call in…where are you?"
"Ecklie, I'll be in when I can. I think I have enough leave accumulated to cover a few days," he threw out.
Ecklie cursed. "Why the hell isn't Sara working?" he griped.
"I've already notified you that Sara is on medical leave until further notice. I will not have you harassing her."
"Get me doctor statements," he retorted.
Grissom hung up the phone.
His job was the last thing on his mind at the moment.
He wanted more than anything to show Sara that he'd changed.
There was no way he was going to hurt her this time.
His lips pressed gently against her forehead.
He glanced down to see Sara looking up at him.
"I'm sorry I woke you," he said softly.
She started to get up but his hand gently pressed her to stay.
"Sara, I know…this is hard for you," he began.
"You…pretended to be…Gracen. You should have let me decide."
"Decide on what?" he said raising his voice.
"I had a choice. You made it for me! You're just trying to control me…well, I won't have it," she said shoving his hand away and getting out of the bed.
He closed his eyes, counting silently, fighting the urge to strike back.
He picked up the plate and the food, taking it to the kitchen.
He found the laundry room and threw the sheets into the hamper.
He returned to the bedroom and heard the shower.
He fumbled through drawers and then her closets, before finding a clean set of sheets, making the bed by the time she got out.
She glanced briefly around the room.
"Another ten hours, Sara," he said mournfully. "Then…I think it will be okay for…"
"You can leave then. This is over."
A bowl of cereal along with a small bowl of fruit was sitting on the counter.
"I made you breakfast. I'll shower…leave you alone," he said softly.
When he returned some time later, the contents were gone and he hoped she had eaten.
He'd not been able to keep anything down, his stomach in turmoil.
He felt the makings of a migraine but stayed silent, keeping his distance.
He chose one side of the living room while she chose another.
He was glad his side contained the couch.
He stretched out, closing his eyes.
She eyed him from across the room.
Every time she thought about their bouts of lovemaking, she felt a small tingling sensation in the pit of her stomach but squashed it down, not wanting to stoke the desire for his body so soon.
She knew she would have to have him in a few hours.
Just watching him lie there on the couch was sending indecent thoughts flittering through her brain.
He could feel her staring at him.
"Is there anything wrong?" he asked softly.
"No."
His eyes opened and returned the stare.
"You don't have to come in tomorrow night," he said.
"What if I decide I want to come in?" she challenged.
He sighed loudly, "Sara the decision is yours. If you want to take some time off…for bereavement then do it. If you'd prefer to work then I'm fine with that also."
"I may stay off."
"Good. I think you need the rest."
"I don't care what you think…I can work."
She's trying to goad me into a fight….
I'm not biting…
Lunch time came and went.
Each fixed their own, sharing equal time in the kitchen.
He nibbled at his sandwich but he really had no appetite.
His stomach felt knotted, not giving any relief since his last attempt to eat.
He threw away the contents but drank several glasses of water.
She disappeared into the bedroom and he left her alone.
He knew she expected him to leave but he worried about her.
She seemed to be faring much better than he but he worried what she was keeping from him.
She mourned for Gracen and burst into tears often especially after they'd made love.
He rubbed his temple, the migraine still threatening and he knew he had not brought his medicine.
Sooner or later, he would need to return to the townhouse. Ecklie would have his hide if he didn't come into work that evening but frankly he didn't much care. He just wasn't up to it.
He stretched out on the couch, closing his eyes in an attempt to rest. He breathed in deeply and smelled her. Her scent was all over him.
He gulped as he swiped at his eyes.
Sara was the only thing he'd ever wanted and now he'd had her.
Each hurtful word that came from her lips was meant to make him bleed.
He felt quite battered at the moment, needing and wanting to avoid another confrontation but already his body was yearning for her and he wondered if she felt the same.
The tossing of an object against the wall confirmed his answer and he sighed.
I don't know how to help you, Sara…
Gracen is no longer here to comfort you…
I'll comfort you if you'll let me…
He felt her sit down on the couch and he opened his eyes.
She glared at him.
"Do you think…after time that we can hold out for more than eight hours?" he asked.
"I don't like it either," she spat.
"Sara, I didn't mean it like that. I was only thinking about work…how we would…do this…and work…especially if we pulled a double," he reasoned.
She threw off her gown and he swallowed.
She was wearing nothing underneath. "I don't want to be tied to you…every eight hours."
He looked away. "We'll work something out," he said quietly.
She glanced at the couch briefly, dismissing it as a place for sex. She didn't much like the idea of him returning to her bed.
She already felt the tears stinging in the back of her eyes, threatening to fall.
Her only weapon against her feelings of loss was anger and she chose to take it out on him.
"Just…tell me…show me…what…you want," he managed to get out.
She wanted it to be impersonal, a means of gratification, a way of scratching an itch without the feelings being attached.
He stood, waiting for her to decide but already the urge was seeping up higher and higher until she was pulling off his shirt as he undid his pants.
He had no idea where she was guiding him to, following her while lips were locked, hands groping and then he found himself in the laundry room.
It was different. They'd never done it in there.
There was no place to lie down so there was little choice but to stand, pressing her against the wall or maneuver her on top of the washer.
She could sense his dilemma.
She grabbed his erection and pulled him into her, raising her leg so that he could obtain deeper penetration.
She leaned against the wall and within a minute they had picked up a heavy rhythm that made both of them gasp from the sheer joy of it.
It felt unbelievable as they continued on and on, not wanting the feeling to end.
Minutes later they finally could not withstand the pressure and climaxed.
He tried to hang on but then sunk as deep as he could before pulling her tight into her arms and planting a kiss on her temple.
She jerked away, stepping back while trying to control her breathing.
He shuddered at the sight of fresh tears on her cheeks.
"We should do it here more often," she breathed.
"It was…felt…incredible…better than…"
She quickly interrupted him. "Something so dirty…should be with other things that are dirty."
She kicked at the crimson stained sheets that had been stripped from the bed earlier.
She had lost her virginity to Gil Grissom.
"You didn't deserve to be my first," she cried. "I wanted to give myself to Gracen."
She flew out of there leaving him rather unsettled.
He further angered her when she heard him washing the sheets.
He cringed when he heard the slamming of the bedroom door followed by sobbing.
Note from author:
I think Sara is going to make Grissom pay for the last five years...in blood...and sweat...LOL Sorry for the late posting but we just got home a little while ago and then my computer decided it like the time off too much and wanted to drive me insane.
Take care!