I promised myself that I would never do this again. I said that last time was going to be the last time, but as I sat on my chair, watching the preteens walk by, I couldn't help but think that this wasn't the last time. Selling merch went hand in hand with dating someone in a band, and I hated it.
Or, in my case; dating two guys in a band. I had mastered the balancing act between John and Ben, and although that was something I shouldn't be proud of, I had to say that I was. They were two totally opposite people, with opposite schedules and opposite interests, so their paths never crossed and my time with them always worked out. Ben worked nights at the bookstore, so we spent mornings together, where John slept in, and was more of a night person, so he was mine most nights.
The opening band took the stage, some band I had never heard of, and I tuned them out, because they were horrible. I flipped through the issue of AP magazine, my breath hitching when I found the interview with Kennedy about Olivia. I flipped the page, telling myself that I didn't need to read, but I flipped back, because I knew that if I didn't, it would bug me until I did.
"Interviewer: Is it an interesting story of how you found out about your daughter?
Kennedy: Actually, I guess it is. My fiancé at the time, Peyton, I don't know if a lot of people knew I was engaged, or even know who she is, but she recorded a song with us last year, but anyway, we were visiting Nick [Santino] in the hospital after his wreck, and Olivia was just standing in the waiting room. She looked lost. Peyton noticed her before I did, and she looks so much like me, it was one of those really surreal moments. Next thing I knew my ex-girlfriend walked into the room and cleared up any suspicions we may have had.
Interviewer: If you had a say in her name, would you have named her something different?
Kennedy: I don't know. I see all of these people naming their kids obscene things these days, I think "Olivia" suits her just fine. I can't say that I am creative enough to come up with a good name, so I am kind of glad I didn't have to help pick it out. I mean, I guess it would have been fun to pick one out with Gabi, but I'm just not good at the stuff.
Interviewer: Do you resent Gabi for keeping her a secret for three years?
Kennedy: She had her reasons. I am on the road all of the time. I was 19 and too immature to do what I needed to do, you know? Gabi did a great job raising her without me, but I imagine having two parents is always better than having one, and I always knew I wanted kids, I just never knew if I would be a great dad. That's always a fear people have, I suppose. I'm not mad about it, I just wish I could have been there for both of them like they deserved, I guess is all I am trying to say.
Interviewer: Where would your life be if Olivia had not come into it?
Kennedy: I would still be engaged to Peyton, I suppose. It's just one of those timing issues, I guess. She was, without a doubt, the one I saw myself ending up with but now I am a dad, testing the waters with my ex –girlfriend. . Things might not have worked out in the best way for everyone involved, but I wanted to do what was best for my daughter, and I feel like I am.
Interviewer: Do you and Gabi have any plans to walk down the aisle soon?
Kennedy: [He chuckles.] I don't know. How many life changing events can one man have in a span of a year? I have had so many, that I can't even think about marriage right now. My life has been altered so much, you know, finding out I have a kid, getting left at the altar, because yes, that did happen, getting Peyton back, losing Peyton and then moving back in with my ex-girlfriend. I just want some normalcy. Touring, that is normal for me. Hope to see all of you out and about for our next tour. It starts in November.
Interviewer: How did your band mates react when they found out about your daughter?
Kennedy: They were actually really supportive. Everyone was. Olivia is just one of those kids that has the charm and cuteness dial turned way up, all of the time. It's hard not to immediately fall for the kid. She's smart and kind, and I know her life is going to be a good. I am going to make sure of that.
"Excuse me," someone, yelled at me, interrupting my reading. I looked up over my magazine and saw a young girl, money in hand, waiting to buy something.
"Yeah?" I asked, setting the magazine down.
"Can I have the EP?" she asked.
"Five dollars," I said, sliding the Walking After Dark EP towards her. She slipped me the five and walked off, mumbling something under her breath. I think I heard the words "lazy" and "bitch."
Well, sorry princess.
I didn't want to read anymore of the interview so I set the magazine on the table and waited for Ben's band to start playing.
The next thing that happened was definitely not something I foresaw happening. I watched as five boys entered the venue, and I tried to duck by kneeling on the ground behind the table totally out of their line of vision, but Pat saw me, and started walking my way. Stupid Pat.
"Peyton?" he asked. I popped back up. "Oh, found it," I said, acting like I was putting my earring back on, but I realized I wasn't wearing any earrings, so I moved my hand automatically to my nose ring, acting like I was putting the silver hoop back in, but Pat knew I was just being stupid.
"Hiding?" he asked.
"No, why would I be hiding?" I asked.
"Well, you must be, because you were ducked down, and you just came up with some lame excuse as to why you were on the ground."
"Yeah, I am hiding," I admitted, sitting back down in my chair. Pat was one of those people who wouldn't let something go.
"Why are you hiding?"
"Peyton?" John asked, with a squinty eye.
"Hey," I smiled at him.
"You're working merch for Ben's band?" he asked.
"He needed a favor," I said, shrugging it off.
"I tried to call you to see if you wanted to come tonight, but I couldn't get a hold of you," he said.
"I left my phone in Ben's Jeep," which wasn't a lie.
"He drove you here?" he asked.
"Well, I mean, I don't have a car anymore," I said.
He laughed, because how could he forget that I didn't have a car, he did have to come pick me up every day. "Make any progress on recording?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Oh yeah," John nodded. "We're almost done," he sighed, watching whatever band was on stage.
"What's wrong?" I asked, standing up and walking around the table and placing my hand on his shoulder.
"We're almost done recording. I have to go back to California soon," he said.
"You have to?" I asked.
"Well, I want to move back here, to be closer to you," he paused, watching as my face went from sad, to almost happy, "but I think I have overstayed my welcome at my parents house."
"We have an extra room," I said, hoping he would say yes. He was, after all, my boyfriend, which was weird to wrap my head around.
"Do you think Jared and Pat will mind?" he asked.
"It used to be your house."
"It's not anymore, though. Besides, if I moved in, it would be hard to keep our relationship a secret," he said, trying to sneak a kiss, but Pat was listening.
"Yeah, because we are all so dumb and don't know that you guys are dating," Pat said, walking away. John smirked and went in for another kiss, right when Walking After Dark was taking the stage. I put my hands up and lightly pushed him away.
"Woah, what?" he asked, looking hurt.
"No PDA." I said, looking at Ben, who was staring straight at us.
"Since when?" he asked, trying to kiss me again.
"Since forever," I said, stepping back behind the merch table. "Go watch the show. They're really good," I smiled at him, sitting back down in the chair. He nodded and went to go find the guys. Ben finally snapped out of it and started the set, kicking it off with the song they always opened with. I was actually excited, because Ben and I had practiced together so I could sing one of their songs with him. Would John think that we were more than friends because I was singing a song with him?
Well, we would find out. When the time came for me to go onstage and sing with him, he just started the song without me, like he had forgotten that I had practiced this song with him every day for the past week. Andy looked at me, and shrugged, joining in on the song. I crossed my arms and tuned out the rest of their set. Asshole.
/\\/\\/\\./\\
"Why would you do that?" I asked as soon as Ben came out.
"Do what?" he asked, not even looking at me.
"You know what," I said with as much venom I could. He just shrugged and was silent for a bit. He looked pissed off.
"Pat offered us an opening spot on a few of their dates on the new tour," he said, sitting down in the chair.
"That's great!" I said, forgetting about the incident that happened and leaned against the table.
"Yeah, it really is," he smiled to himself. "The guys are pumped."
"This is good for the band," I smiled, and then I thought about it. How was I going to keep up my little act while they are both on tour, sharing girlfriend stories?
Oh fuck me in the ass running.
"What about work?" I asked him.
"I may quit," he said. "Like Garrett said, I need to quit my job in order to give this band everything I have. This is our big break. Nothing is going to get in the way," he said. "I'm sorry," he finally sighed.
"For?"
"Not letting you sing with me. I just saw John hanging all over you, and it made me want to punch him. I guess that's not your fault." Oh buddy, if only you knew.
"We're just friends," I lied. Lying seemed to be all I was good at these days.
"I know, I don't know why I let it bug me," he said, wrapping his arms around me. I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around him too.
"You guys did great. I am glad you are finally getting your big break," I said, leaning my head against his chest.
"Couldn't have done it without you," he said, and kissed the top of my head.
"The fuck?" John yelled, rounding the corner. I froze. It was about to happen. Three weeks of careful lying down the drain. "What is going on?"
"Nothing," I said, letting go of Ben.
"Doesn't look like nothing," John growled, eyeing Ben.
"What is your problem?" Ben asked John.
"You are my problem. We invite you guys to open for us and what do you do to repay me? Get all touchy feely with my girlfriend."
"Your girlfriend?" Ben asked, looking at me. "Really, because I thought she was my girlfriend."
"Your girlfriend?" John asked, also looking at me. Oh shit.
Raise your hand if you saw this coming. Okay, everyone, put your hand down, you look stupid sitting at your computer with your arm raised.
"I-I-I," I stammered.
"You?" John said, urging me to continue.
"Well," I sighed, deciding it was better for me to tell the truth than to bury myself any deeper. "I messed up," I started. I explained to them that I couldn't choose and I liked them both, so I was dating them both. The truth went over real well. Not.
"Who are you?" John asked. "What happened to you?"
"I," I sighed and then looked at Ben. He looked hurt. I didn't mean a little hurt. I mean, he looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown. "Ben," I whispered. He shook his head, not even looking at me.
"Thanks for the opportunity, John, but I don't think we can go on this tour with you," Ben mumbled, and then walked away. John followed his lead and went to find the rest of the boys, leaving me standing in the middle of the venue alone with my decisions. Not a great feeling. I ruined Ben's big chance, and I am sure John would never talk to me again.
/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\
"You're still here?" someone asked me, sneaking up beside me and scaring the shit out of me. I jumped about a foot in the air.
"My ride left me." I answered after I caught my breath. "My phone is in his car so I couldn't call anyone, and," then I stopped and looked over at Kennedy. "Never mind."
"Need a ride?" he asked, leaning against the wall.
"Nope," I answered; dropping my bag on the sidewalk, my issue of AP spilling out of it. I glanced at it, and decided to leave it. It was trash anyway. I sat down on the curb next to my bag, hoping he would just leave me alone.
"Did you read the arti-" he started but I cut him off with a "yup." He sat down on the curb next to me, the only source of light we had was a flickering lamp post about 20 feet away. It was creepy, not going to lie.
"Peyton," he started.
"Save it," I sighed, kicking a pebble with my shoe.
"Are we never even going to try to be friends?" he asked.
"Why would you want to be friends with me, Kennedy?"
"Because, we were best friends for a long time before we dated, and I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not have you in it at all," he said, fidgeting with his jacket. I didn't respond, just stared at the streetlight. I don't know what I was doing out here. All of the guys had left. Kennedy was the only one who drove separate. My phone was still in Ben's Jeep. I had to get a ride from him. Of course I did. My life just worked that way.
"I can't be friends with you Kennedy," I finally answered after a few minutes. "Just sitting next to you right now, it hurts almost as bad as when you left me. I know you had to, and that should make it hurt less, but it doesn't."
"I understand," he said, wrapping his arms around his knees. "Will we ever get over each other?"
"God, I hope so," I said, finally allowing myself to look at him. "Because this is miserable."
"Seeing you with other guys, it feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest."
"Welcome to my world," I said. "Besides, I ruined just about everything because I have been someone I am not proud of."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I went through a dark period when you left me. I changed into someone I hate, and I just hope the old Peyton isn't completely dead, because I miss her."
"She isn't dead. She could never be dead. She was amazing," he said, looking away from me. I sighed. I hope he was right. I had messed up so much lately that I was amazed I still had any friends. I don't even know if I would want to be friends with myself.
"Gabi and I aren't doing well," he said, after a long pause.
"Oh," I was all I could think to say.
"I can't make myself love her," he said, "and the fact that I am only with her for Olivia, is fucking ridiculous," he was starting to get mad. I just listened, because I guess that was what he needed right now. "Olivia would be just fine if we weren't together. If Gabi let her see me instead of denying me visitation, Olivia would be content. Then Gabi could find someone who loved her, and so could I. The thing is, I think Gabi does love me, and I feel like a prick because I don't." he continued to ramble on.
"Kennedy," I tried to get him to stop, but it didn't work.
"And the fact that she wants to get married, fuck. I have a hard time living with her, let alone marrying her. Olivia deserves better than to hear us fight every night, to see us sleeping in separate rooms, because, well, we have been. I can't stand to look at Gabi sometimes, because she was the one who was going to deny me contact with my own child. She was the one who made me leave the one thing in my life that made me happy," and he just kept going on, and on. I let him. It was obvious he needed to talk to someone. But why me? When he finally finished, he was trying to catch his breath, almost shaking with rage. I placed my hand on his shoulder and hoped that that would calm him down a little.
"Why are you telling me all of this?" I asked. "I mean," I tried to think of something that sounded less bitchy. "I understand you needed to talk about it, but why me?"
"You were here, and even though you hate me, I still consider you my best friend."
"I don't hate you," I shrugged. "I hate your girlfriend."
"Join the club."
"Can we get cool t-shirts with Gabi's face on them, and draw fake mustaches on her and stuff?" I asked, hoping to get a laugh out of Kennedy. It worked.
"Please. I would love to see her face when she did laundry."
"Let's go home," I said, nudging his arm. He nodded, stood up, and extended his hand to help me up. He cleverly pulled me up too forcefully into a hug, and for once, I didn't push him away. I was still in love with Kennedy, but it was something I needed to get over. I knew he wasn't going to leave Gabi, because he wouldn't risk losing Olivia, and I didn't blame him. If I had a child of my own, I would do the same thing.
"Thank you for letting me unload all of this shit on you," he whispered into my ear. I just nodded and let him hold onto me for as long as he needed.
/\\/\\/\\/\\
When he pulled into my driveway, and I opened the door to leave, he grabbed my hand, and thanked my again.
"See you tomorrow?" he asked.
"What's tomorrow?" I asked.
"Nick's wedding?"
Nick was getting married, and he didn't even tell me. He didn't invite me. I was supposed to be his best friend.
I guess I didn't blame him after how I acted when he told me. I wouldn't have invited me either. I haven't even met his fiancé.
I was a horrible friend.
I was a horrible person in general.
I just shrugged and said goodbye, walking into the house, where five people were sitting, waiting for me to get home.
An intervention. This time I didn't fight it, I just sat down in the chair, looking around the table at Jared, Pat, Garrett, Julia and my dad. "Let's do this," I said with a smile.
I loved that I had family and friends who cared enough to talk to me when I was fucking up my life, and if I ever needed one in my whole life, now was the time.
An intervention was what I needed, and an intervention was what I got.