Note from author:
Sorry for late posting but just got back from an out of town visit with Peggy47. Humorous thing is that I left myself logged onto fanfiction on Peggy's computer so she posted a review under my ID, Grissom1. LOL! Of course I am relieved she didn't figure out she could have gone into the next chapters and taken a sneak peak and added a comment here or there. LOL! Great visit Peggy. Be back soon!
Chapter Twenty Three:
Lamb in Need of the Shepherd
Grissom swallowed. "You sent her away?"
"Yes, she wanted to come in here but….Grissom are you alright?"
He quickly grabbed his keys as he tried to leave but Heather blocked his door.
"Your workers told me about your condition. You can't leave."
"Heather, it's a matter of life and death that I see Sara."
"Then she will have to come here," she demanded.
"She can't do that. I come...to her."
"She was here before. She can come back. Besides Gil, she is your subordinate."
He tried to get past her but she refused.
"Heather, listen to me. I have to see Sara!"
"Call her. Tell her to come here."
Grissom cursed as he dialed Sara's number.
He worried with each ring.
Already his body was getting hypersensitive.
"There's no answer. I'm going over there," he grumbled.
"Grissom, you shouldn't be up. You need to…"
There was a knock on his door and he rushed to answer it.
He was relieved to see Sara.
"I just tried to call you," he breathed.
She glanced at Heather.
"Heather, Sara and I have something we need to discuss in private. Thank you for coming but…"
Heather eyed both of them but then grabbed her jacket.
"Call me," she said softly.
"Thank you Heather."
As soon as Heather left, Grissom pulled Sara into the house.
"I didn't know you were here earlier," he tried to explain as he hastened her along.
She nodded, unable to speak, the urgency rather painful.
He grabbed her by the hand and led her to his bedroom.
She glanced at the pictures on the wall, the furniture they passed as well as the layout of the house but it became a blur with the urgency of the matter.
As soon as they entered the bedroom, she was already dragging her feet.
Heather's perfume floated in the air.
There's no reason to be jealous, Sara…
He's bound to you…
He would never desire her…
Not anymore, anyway…
Heather had definitely been in Grissom's house, knowing the layout intimately.
Just like she knew you intimately…
She's even been here in your bedroom...
Does she know that she will never have you again?
He pulled back the covers fully.
"I didn't realize it had gotten so late," he explained.
"I tried to wait. I didn't want to come back until…she left…so…I waited down the street…but then you called. I couldn't answer…my phone…because of low battery," her words tumbling out as she recoiled at the stench of Heather's perfume.
She swallowed, unshed tears threatening to fall.
Have you made love to her here, Grissom?
When I longed just to talk with you?
When I wanted companionship…
He hushed her mind with a kiss, trying to ease her pain and discomfort.
Within minutes the edge was removed by their sudden coupling.
He kissed her cheeks tasting the salty tears.
He stroked her hair as he eased himself into her once more riding out another surge of ecstasy. Finally, he rolled to the side but pulled her close against him.
He never thought he'd be lying in his bed with Sara beside him.
He wanted to explain Heather's presence, feeling Heather's presence had done damage to their already fragile relationship.
For the moment he wanted to relish the feel of her so close to him, his exhaustion eased by the rest he'd gotten.
He remembered their agreement and loosened his hold on her, expecting her to flee from his bed as well as his house but she remained.
Her back was to him and he wondered what she was thinking.
He wanted to spoon his body up next to hers but fought the urge, thinking she would only pull away. There would be no need for one another for several hours.
"Does Heather….know?" she whispered
He propped up his head with his hand.
"No."
"I haven't told anyone," she said.
"Only Jim and Doc….know. Warrick…some of it."
It had been the most excruciating thing she'd ever endured coming back to the townhouse, knowing that she would have to face Heather once more.
Heather knew Grissom in a way she had only dreamed about.
All those nights of wondering whether Grissom spent his nights alone were answered.
Of course he didn't.
He had Heather…
If he loved her why did he agree to be bound with me?
Guilt perhaps…
"How…did Gracen die?" she asked out of the blue.
Grissom cringed. He could still see Gracen's midsection stapled to hold in his organs. He was in agony but he refused to succumb to the pain in order to save Sara.
"Vivian…made a deal with a fallen angel."
"What kind of deal?"
"She gave herself to him so that he would kill…Gracen."
"How?" she persisted.
"Sword."
Sara gulped. "I felt an overwhelming sadness…is that when…he died?"
"Yes. Brass called…told me."
She nodded. "Do you think…where do you think…if there is a soul…where is he now?" she asked in a childlike voice.
"I think he is in Heaven. He fulfilled his duty as…an angel."
"I've researched...spoke with...some priests...angels do not have souls. How could he be in...Heaven?" she questioned.
He breathed in deeply. "He was half angel...half human. To be even half...human, one would have to have a soul," he said softly.
His hand went out to stroke her hair but halted, suspended in midair as he recoiled, needing her to talk with him.
"Was he…in a lot…of pain…before he died?"
He didn't want to lie so he avoided the question.
"I wasn't with him."
"But…when you found him…was he?"
"Sara, he loved you very much…he held on so he could save you."
She still lay there not sure whether it was time for her to leave or not.
He'd already released her some time ago and yet she couldn't move, not wanting to leave him but more importantly not wanting to be alone.
She was tired of being alone with the guilt that seemed to be threatening to take the very air she breathed.
"Griss?" she whispered.
"Yes, Sara?"
"Are you afraid to die?"
"No," he replied but then asked, "Are you?"
"Yes," she admitted.
She's afraid I'm going to die…
If I die then…
Her body trembled.
He inched closer wanting to hold her.
"Sara, I'm not going to die," he vowed.
"I just want to live…before I die," she said mournfully. "I feel like I haven't even lived...just existed."
His hand went out to touch her but she slipped out of the covers and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Are you feeling better?" she asked.
"Yes….Sara…how do you feel?" he asked not liking the emotions that seeped through her words.
She reached for her clothes, pulling them on, not used to being the one that left.
He quickly grabbed his robe.
She was already out of the bedroom and was half way down the hall when she halted.
He stopped just a few feet from her.
"Sara? Is everything alright?" he asked as he felt her uneasiness.
"May I stay?" she whispered.
His heart skipped a beat. "Of course."
He thought she would turn around but instead she continued to the living room.
"Are you not tired?" he asked.
"I'll sleep…here," she said sitting down on the couch, her voice so soft he had to strain to hear it.
She stared at the gas fireplace and he turned it on.
She extended her hands as if she were trying to warm them.
He grabbed the blanket he kept draped over the couch, placing it around her shoulders.
"Thank you," she said quietly. "You can go back to bed."
He stood there not sure whether she wanted him near or if she wanted to be alone.
If she wanted to be alone then why did she ask if she could stay?
"Mind if I sit here with you?" he asked.
She shook her head.
He sat down on the couch.
He leaned back to rest.
"You…should be in…bed," she said suddenly remembering Doc's words.
"Do you…want me to leave you alone?" he asked.
"Gracen…Gracen…" she swallowed. "Gracen said he would never leave me alone."
Grissom scooted over and pulled her into his arms, kissing her lightly on the forehead.
"He wanted to be with you, Sara. He tried very hard….to stay."
You never did…
You never even invited me inside your home…
You never wanted to spend any time with me until…Gracen appeared.
She closed her eyes, as he felt her exhaustion.
He stretched out on the couch, pulling her thin body against his as he covered them with the blanket.
He expected her to object but her arms clung to his neck as if in desperation.
She fit so perfectly in his arms as his lips kissed the traces of tears.
It was nice to just hold her as his hand stroked her hair.
"Why…did you…prefer Heather…over me?" she asked.
His heart thudded out of sync.
He looked down at her tear streaked face. Dark haunted orbs stared up at him.
"I didn't," he managed to say.
"Do…you know how many times…I came here…knocked at your door…but was never…invited inside?" she cried.
"Three times," he said. "I remember every incident. I cursed because I couldn't…invite you inside."
"Why…not?"
"The first time…I had been called out. I was on my way out when you showed up. The second time….I wouldn't…refused…because I was grappling with needing to have surgery…hearing loss."
"Catherine told us. I came because I was afraid for you...but you wouldn't let me help you."
He nodded.
"The third time?" she asked.
"Heather was here. She was very upset…I…was trying to help her….and I knew you wouldn't understand if you saw Heather...here."
A glimpse of pain and jealousy flashed in her eyes.
"I never liked being…alone. Heather used to come…and we'd play chess. She's a good friend, Sara," he whispered.
"I could…have…been a good friend," she sniffled.
"You were always more than a friend…more than I could ever dream…of having."
"You could…have…had me," she cried.
"I know. It was always a constant battle…walking the tight rope…being your boss…and wanting to be something so much more."
"Was…is worth it? The choice you made?" she asked.
"I guess you were right…not making a choice…was making a choice…but Sara I never meant to hurt you. I never considered myself good enough."
"After…years…of asking and waiting…I didn't think I was good enough…for you."
Her simple acknowledgement tore at his heart.
He could just imagine how retched she must have felt standing there at his doorstep only to be turned away…by him.
He frantically tried to recall that exact evening.
It was just a few hours before shift and he'd slept little, listening to Heather as she spoke about being discarded by her family.
The knock had come at a rather hard moment when Heather had clung to him in tears. She was a very strong woman but for her to break down warned him how fragile she was at that moment.
The minute he saw Sara, he knew she would think something was going on.
Heather had spilt a glass of wine on her blouse. He had offered her a t-shirt to wear while letting it soak and she had returned wearing nothing but the t-shirt, her slacks left lying on his bed.
He groaned.
He felt it would have been disastrous if he didn't get rid of Sara.
He had lied, telling her he had been called in.
She offered to work with him but he had refused, citing her over time was already a problem and it was just the first part of the month.
She had looked dejected as she left never telling him what prompted her to come by.
The next day he had inquired and she had said something came up and she needed some time off.
"You took a couple of days off," he said.
"Funeral," she whispered. "My….mom…died."
Grissom looked shocked. "I'm sorry Sara. I didn't know."
He rubbed her back, planting kisses on her forehead.
He felt like a complete jerk knowing that when she needed him most, he had chosen Heather over Sara.
If he had known about her mother, he would have gone to her later and tried to explain.
"The guys…later hooked me…up with Hank. I figured it was probably the best after…" she stopped willing herself not to cry anymore. "I went to the lab…convinced you wouldn't turn me away if I was already there but you never came in. Dispatch said they never called you."
"Heather had some falling out with her child. Her husband had done the same thing years ago because…of who she was. She felt…completely….alone."
He gulped.
Now I understand what Gracen was trying to tell me…
Sara is truly alone…
Her mother died and she had no one…
Sara's mother had been her last link to her past, the only family she had remaining and she had died with Sara seeking comfort from him.
"Sara, I know you won't believe this…but I swear I will never put anyone…before you again."
A single tear slipped down her cheek and he quickly swiped it away.
There was such a deep sadness within her that made his heart ache.
He needed her to feel safe with him but more importantly he wanted her to understand how much he loved her.
It hurt him when word around the break room consisted of rumors about Sara and a certain paramedic.
Hank's name became a regular word associated with Sara's.
He pretended it didn't bother him but it hurt like hell.
Now, he didn't blame her for wanting someone else.
She had come to him in a moment of need and he'd chosen to discard her.
He could only imagine the pain she felt when she had caught him in the lie and yet she had never let on the next day.
He had felt a sense of betrayal when he'd heard about the "Hank" fellow but now he was ashamed.
She deserved to have someone other than him.
He stroked her hair as he whispered his apology over and over.
His breath on the nape of her neck sent chills down her spine.
His lips kissed hers as a gesture of comfort but it only ignited the slight fire already stoked.
She closed her eyes accepting the comfort, her body responding with each touch.
Her body cooled when she felt him rise from the couch.
She sat up immediately, embarrassed that she had so easily responded to him.
It certainly wasn't an urge but rather desire.
She was startled when he spread the blanket onto the floor and then while on bended knee he extended his hand encouraging her to join him beside the fire.
Her hand slipped into his and she was guided onto pillows he grabbed from the couch.
The next hour, he explored and caressed every inch of her body.
Each touch eased and soothed her heart.
He wasn't doing it because there was a need but rather because he wanted to touch her.
His hands were gentle as he cupped her face, kissing her softly, lightly at first until she responded.
He slipped off her clothes, smiling as she lay back on the pallet, the fire no longer needed since both were quite warm with desire.
He removed his robe, easing his way between her legs, mindful of her reaction, ensuring she wanted this as much as he did.
He eased into her but remained still while he kissed her fully on the lips.
"Make love with me, Sara," he whispered. She arched her body toward his and he plunged. It was the most exquisite feeling either had ever felt.
Their lovemaking was slow and gentle and nurturing.
Afterwards, they remained entwined by the fire.
He kissed her on the temple as his hand caressed her cheek and he was thankful that it was dry.
"I'm glad you stayed," he whispered.
He closed his eyes relishing the feel of her next to him.
"I feel…better…when we're together," he admitted.
"You do?" she asked.
"Yes."
Maybe he'll want me... not just desire me...
Maybe he can love me...
There was a silence and he feared he was being too pushy, trying to guilt her into spending time with him.
"I could…stay," she whispered. "Or…you could stay…at my place…afterwards."
His hand slipped into hers as he leaned back trying to see her face.
"Would you…consider…staying here?" he asked.
She struggled with a reply.
"You…could come and go whenever you like…but if you wanted to stay…be with me…you could," he offered.
"'Kay," she managed to get out.
He was surprised she accepted so quickly.
His hand stroked her hair.
Gently he leaned in kissing her softly on the lips, frowning when he felt the first signs of fresh tears.
He knew that it took quite a bit of trust to accept the invitation.
He also knew that she was still getting over the loss of Gracen but he prayed she loved him.
His fingers swiped at a tear. "Sara...what's wrong?"
She refused to answer but held him tight.
"It's okay, he soothed. "I'm here...just sleep. I'll watch over you."
Outside a figure stood in the dark, sneering at the sight of the couple in front of the fire place.
Darius flipped the cigarette butt into the bushes.
Note from author:
I bet you wished Gracen was still around to watch over our little couple. Yeah, more angst is headed our way...
The cat fight is a chapter or two to come...and then of course we will hear more about Darius.
Take care!