Payback's a Hostess

I'm never taking these people out to eat again. Period.

'Aw, what's wrong kid? Is your steak burnt?'

Shut up Zack.

'No, this is my one night with ya for a while, so I figure I'm going to annoy the hell out of you.'

I hate you.

'Aw, that's what they all say.'

Including Aerith?

'Dude…I would so not mention her name…she may bring the heavens down upon you in a fiery wrath of doom.'

Do you realize you just used the words 'doom' and 'Aerith' in the same sentence?

'You obviously have never seen Aerith pissed.'

So she's still not talking to me?

'Nope.'

Great, she's not talking to me, and you won't shut up…what an awesome night this is turning out to be.

'Hey…you're the one with a big fancy steak in front of you, and complaining.'

"Cloud?"

"Hmm?" I look up, startled.

"Help…" Tifa hisses.

I look up as she points down the table.

My God, who gave Yuffie wine?

She's dancing in her seat to violin music...and it's not exactly…

…it's just not a pretty sight.

"Dammit brat…start behaving like a normal 'effin person." Cid hisses at her as she throws her hands up in the air.

"Cid!" Barret growls, covering Marlene's ears.

Why oh why did I ever think this was a good idea?

"Oh, like you've never cursed in front of her, you pompous bast-

"Cid!" Tifa hisses as she elbows me in the side.

What am I suppose to do about it? I can't control these people…they're crazy!

'It was your idea.'

Shut up Zack.

"Guys…please…public place." I manage to mutter.

"She really must be a ninja to be able to steal a sip of Vincent's wine." Cid mutters.

"What was that, old man?" Yuffie glares at him, her dancing stopped.

"At least she stopped dancing." Barret states.

Oh…she is not…

"Yuffie! Don't you dare start throwing food in this restaurant!" Tifa scolds.

Yuffie blushes, and drops her fork.

Honestly, can't these people wait until we get back to the bar? They've been like this since we got here! This is a really ritzy place too! Lots of money, and just for the reservations! Man, I am so not paying for their dinners…just mine, Tifa's, and Denzel's…Barret can take care of Marlene...no I am not cheap!

Although, the most awkward moment of the night was when the hostess told us that pets weren't allowed.

In which an awkward, yet shocked silence ensued, and then Nanaki promptly replied, "Then how the hell did you get in here?"

Never call Nanaki a pet…I know he really wanted to attach a certain word onto the end of that sentence…but him being the ever diplomatic…didn't…though I'm pretty sure I heard Barret and Cid mutter it at the same time…then they snickered, which made the hostess even more pissed off, because she had just been put down by a talking wolf lion animal thing, a man with a gunarm, and a man who was still smoking despite the no smoking signs. In fact, since we've been seated, eight different people have came up and told him that there was no smoking allowed. I swear I think I saw Cid nearly bite that last guy's hand off when he tried to steal his cigarette off his impromptu ash tray…which would be priceless china.

God, we can never come back here again…

…Damn…we'll be lucky if we can even be able to go out in public again.

'Hey! In Nanaki's defense, I would've called her a bitch too.'

In the past Zack! In the past…let's move on…please.

"Since we're all done with the food, why don't you open your presents Tifa?" Yuffie asks, seemingly back to normal.

…as far as normal goes for Yuffie.

"You've already got the dress from me…and the shoes from Cid and Shera…whose next?" Yuffie asks.

Oh thank you Yuffie, you kept her out of her room.

"This is from me, Tifa." Barret hands a box over.

"Thank you Barret."

She opens the package. It's a photo album. The front is carved from wood, decorated with lilies, roses, and butterflies.

"It's gorgeous! Thanks, Barret."

He blushes, "It was Marlene's idea…"

Marlene and Denzel hold out their present next.

"Open ours, Tifa!" Marlene grins, shoving the box into her hands.

It's clumsily wrapped with newspaper that's been colored pink, green, and blue. Wow…those two really outdid themselves. There's a misshapen bow on top made from pipe cleaners. I'm impressed; they did this all by themselves. I asked if they wanted help, but they said they already had it figured out.

She opens it and gasps. It's a notebook, but inside are various drawings and finger paintings the two have done in secret I guess. She loves it, I can tell, because she's smiling and gasping as she's flipping the pages. That was really sweet of them.

The two look up, hopeful, "Do you like it?"

"I love it. It's wonderful, really."

Cait hands over a watch, rather unceremoniously. She takes it.

"It's a clip on…clip it on to your belt…designed it myself…erm…does all sorts of nifty stuff…I guess I should've made a manual or something…erm…yeah…alarms, scheduler, um…just a bunch of stuff…oh, address book…erm, thermometer…"

"Does it tell time?" Tifa asks, laughing.

Cait rolls his eyes, "Yes."

"Thanks, Reeve."

Nanaki slides a bag over to her. She opens it. There's a silver bracelet inside.

"Oh, thank you Nanaki…it's beautiful." She says, clipping it on.

Vincent slides an orange bubble package over to her.

Ha! Guess we know who wrapped his.

She opens it. It's a music box. Tifa adores music boxes. She gasps as she opens it, and the chimes clink on. Two little figures dance around in a circle. One's a ballerina…I really can't say if the guy is…I don't want to insult him…even if he is just a doll.

'Dude…you just referred to him as a doll…I don't think that's any better.'

Zack!

"Thank you so much, Vincent…it's wonderful." She says, shutting the lid.

"Cloud?! Where's your present?" Marlene squeals. "Don't tell me you forgot it?"

"No…it's back at the bar…and I didn't forget it."

"…to lazy to move it himself…" Barret mutters to Cid.

Oh hell no! Tifa better not have heard that!

I send Barret an icy glare as he glances up. He challenges me back with his own glare. I'm thinking Tifa is oblivious, but still…that was uncalled for.

And then there's a waiter moving towards our table. He's carrying a large cake with sparklers on it over to our table. Perfect timing.

The man's holding it with on hand, a towel draped over his arm, the cake balanced on his splayed fingers. He moves with confidence, and he's probably done this a thousand times. I see it though, and I swear, I think that chair just moved on its own. His foot catches on the back leg of the chair, and I see his face contort into a look of shock and fear; he's just realized he's screwed himself over. He tries to save himself, but the towel slips off his arm, and it gets his feet even more tangled up, and then he's flying, and the chair's falling, and the cake's coming off the plate…the candles are like tiny fiery arrows of doom coming at my face…and the last thing I see is "Happy Birthday Tifa" written in yellow icing.

Oh…oh hell…

"Cloud!"

Oh fu-

'Aerith! You told me not to interfere with anything! You just threw a cake into Cloud's face!'

'That was not me.'

-Ck me.

'It had freaking sparklers on it Aerith! It was Tifa's birthday cake!'

'And that banana had a firecracker…and it was my church…what can I say…payback's a hostess.'

'Oh that was clever! Ha freaking ha!'

Why do cakes seem to be flying at my face lately…granted, the first one wasn't even baked yet…and it seems to be women who are throwing them at me…well, I mean, technically it was the waiter…but we all know what really happened.

'You're just not the ladies man.'

'I had a crush on him.'

'What?!'

What?!

'Men are so easy.'

'…so that was a joke…right? Aerith? Baby? A joke, right? I mean…it's Spike…he's short and blonde and his spikes defy gravity…you couldn't have had a crush on him…'

Hey! I take offense to that!

'And he's a cross dresser, Aerith…please tell me it was just a joke…right? It was payback? It's a hostess? I thought it was funny, really! Baby?'

'Well…my work is done…tell Tifa I said happy birthday, Cloud!'

I feel Aerith disappear.

'Aerith! Aerith wait! It was a joke, right? You love me, though, right? I don't care…I just need to know! Wait!'

And Zack's gone.

Well, that's one good thing.

"Oh my God, Cloud!" Tifa's above me, shouting.

Damn…I think I fell out of my chair.

"Spike, man! You okay?" I hear Barret shout.

"Sir, I am so sorry about that, honestly…I don't have a clue…how that happened…I mean…I s-swear, I t-think that chair m-moved on its own…" That must be the waiter.

"Ack! You mean to tell me this place is haunted?" Marlene screeches.

"Awesome!" Denzel shouts.

"Cloud?" Tifa asks again.

She sounds a lot closer now. Someone is rubbing at my face with a piece of cloth, and I'm still on my back, but it seems that all of the candles have gone out.

"What the hell was that?" I hear Cid scream.

I'm pretty sure there are some other workers here, and now they're probably feeling the wrath of Cid.

"Oh damn…it's that stupid 'No pets' hostess." I hear Cid curse.

I just want to see again!

Light! Tifa! It's heaven!

Oh…is she snickering?

"Oh Cloud…are you okay?" She asks.

I manage a stiff nod.

And…she bursts into a fit of laughter.

What.

The.

Hell.

I just took a burning cake of fury in my freaking face, and she's laughing? How beat up is that?

"-cking threw the damn cake at 'im! He didn't stand a snowball's chance in bloody hell! You gonna pay for this!" Cid still yelling.

Tifa's pulling me to my feet now; and everyone turns and laughs.

What?

"What?" I ask, and Yuffie holds up a mirror.

The edge of one of my spikes has been burnt, my nose is clogged with icing, and I believe those are burn spots on my cheeks…little circles of red splotch my face.

"Excuse me…but where is the rest room?" I ask, and the hostess points.

I walk away, head held high in dignity.

'Dude…I freaking told you…she'd bring heaven down in a fiery wrath of doom…I told you…'

Shouldn't you be trying to win back your love? And since when does a cake count as heaven? I get the fiery wrath of doom though…

'Have you tried their cake? It's awesome!...well…I mean, trying it as in eating it…not wearing it…'

Go away.

'Tell Tifa happy birthday for me!'

Oh yeah…real happy…especially for me! I had happy smack me in the face just a minute it ago!

Never again…

I guess Zack was right about Aerith and doom...

Apparently there is no wrath like that of Aerith's.

A/N: GAH! honestly! This thing would not upload! Please tell me you caught 'Payback's a bitch' ...you know, they were calling the hostess one...well, hopefully that cleared it up for you if you didn't. I have been stuck in a rut...in case you couldn't tell...I'm so battling myself with the ending of Come Together...and I was just waiting for something to come to my head for this...Tincent, so glad you're a fan...and blowing off cleaning is always a good way to spend time. Thanks so much for teh awesome review...and to Rend, don't worry...I caught the magic kiss thing...it worked wonders on me when I was a kid...and you think Cloud had it hard before...muhahaha! At least cake flinging is better than Sephiroth popping out at random...and you'll have to excuse Cloud not sneaking a peak...as to the fact I am a girl...I did not pick up on that...slipped my mind...we'll just say he was working up to it, but Tifa didn't give him time...So anyways! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! You all freaking rock my socks...I might sneak in Zack and Aerith next chappie...but they may be out for the count for a bit...they're exhausted...especially with that moving the chair thing...honestly, who knew Aerith's wrath was of flying cakes? Makes perfect sense to me...