It's A Skilt

"Ohmagawd...this angle...this is the one."

"Why–...for the sake of your future health, I advise against it."

"But why?"

...Voices...there are voices.

"Do you really need to even ask that question?"

"But, I can like...so totally get him flat out groping her butt from this angle!"

...who is groping what butt here?...

...wait a second...

"Ohmagawd! He just squeezed his hand!"

My eyes fling open.

And I yell.

"Vincent!"

"Cloud, I advise you remove your hand before Tifa wakes up and finds you both in this compromising position while Yuffie is in possession of a camera."

What?!

I look over Tifa's head, and see Yuffie standing there, camera aimed.

"Don't...even think about it."

She jumps, and hides the camera quickly behind her back, and smiles.

I sit up slowly, Tifa mumbles incoherently and snuggles up against my chest, her arms still wrapped around my neck.

"Did ya sleep well, sunshine?" Yuffie coos.

I glare.

"Yuffie, I don't believe now would be the best time to mock, tease, and or annoy them. So be quiet."

Yuffie scowls at Vincent's interruption.

I sigh, "What time is it?"

"Eleven O' five," Vincent replies.

I groan, and stretch what little I can with Tifa hanging off of me. My back cracks several times.

"How did you find us?"

"With my great genius, of course!" Yuffie grins.

"No, seriously. How?"

Yuffie scoffs, "I'm serious! I was listening...it just took a while to process what you were saying."

"Either way, you're here now. Fenrir is-

"Already got him," Yuffie chirps, "Vincent's been fixing it up for you."

I glance up at Vincent, "Thanks."

"You won't thank me in a minute."

I narrow my eyes, "Why? Did someone mess Fenrir up?"

Vincent studies me for a moment, "No. It has nothing to do with Fenrir."

"Then what is it?"

Yuffie snorts, and laughs out loud, and Vincent's eye twitches.

"What?" I ask, "What is it?"

"Just...wait, Cloud. I'll...tell you later," Vincent struggles.

I frown, this can't bode well.

"Alright," I stand, slipping an arm beneath Tifa's knees, and face Vincent.

"Come on, the truck's waiting," Yuffie says, leading the way out of the cave.

I glare at Vincent, "That was the worst way to be woke up, you know?"

He stares back at me, "Just be glad Yuffie didn't get a picture in."

It only takes us about an hour to get back to Edge, and by that time Vincent has pretty much fixed Fenrir on the WRO truck they borrowed. I know plenty about bikes, but I wasn't aware Vincent did. Still, I can't help him, because Tifa still hasn't woken up, and she sat in my lap the entire way home.

I carry her inside, and lay her down on the couch, followed by Yuffie and Vincent. After I cover her up, I turn to find Yuffie looking incredibly pleased, and Vincent incredibly displeased.

"Is...this about what you were going to show me?"

Vincent doesn't say anything, and Yuffie merely replies by giggling and holding out a package.

"You..." she pauses to laugh again, "You know how none of actually got to try on our stuff for Cid's wedding? Well, here it is. He decided to deliver yours, first."

I eye the package skeptically. It looks harmless enough, a normal, standard package. And I'm a delivery boy, I know packages. And this, just looks the right size for a tux. Might need steaming or something like that, but, I don't see why I should be apprehensive.

I take the package from her, and I see pity in Vincent's eyes.

"Just so you know, even though you got yours first...we all suffer. That means myself, Barret, Reeve, and you. It isn't just to mock you. I swear," Vincent closes his eyes as I tear the paper off the box.

"It can't be that bad, right? Isn't suppose to be the bridesmaid dresses that are ugly?" I ask, tearing the tape on the box.

"Hey!" Yuffie shouts, "My dress is very pretty."

"You haven't even seen it."

"Shut up, Vincent...and open your eyes, you know you want to see this," Yuffie laughs, pulling out her camera.

"Is this necessary?" I ask.

"Just open the box already!" Yuffie yells.

"You don't know Cid's heritage, do you, Cloud?" Vincent asks.

"Please, guys, it's just a tux–

There's a click, and a bright flash as I stare down at the terror before my very eyes. No...no this can't be. This can not be happening. It's a joke, right?

My mouth is hanging wide open, and I lift my wide eyes to Vincent and Yuffie, as she snaps another picture.

"This..." I clear my throat, "This is some joke, right?"

Vincent groans people...he does, I swear, and he closes his eyes again in agony, and looks away.

"Nope!" Yuffie replies cheerfully, "It's the truth. Even Cid's wearing one, but he's proud...cause ya know, it's his heritage and everything. Tradition, and what not."

"What kind of tradition is this?" I can't help but notice the high pitch to my voice.

"Come on Cloud, you have to try it on...make sure it fits," Yuffie taunts.

The box falls to the floor as I pull 'it' out. I stare in horror. This can't...be happening.

"It's...it's..." I hold it out away from me, pinching it between my fingers.

I feel my mouth curl up into a sneer, "It's a skirt."

Yuffie frowns, "It's a kilt. Don't dare call it anything else in front of Cid. Vincent's got the scar to prove it."

"It's a skirt."

Yuffie sighs, "It's a kilt."

"Skirt."

"Kilt!"

"Whatever it is, or whatever you call it...I'm not wearing it," I state firmly.

"Yes, you are...or you can't be in the wedding. Cid's words...well, I left out a few choice words, but you catch the drift," Yuffie states, nonchalant.

"There will be pictures," I state.

"Yep!" she grins.

"No. There won't."

"But Kuh-loud! You're in the wedding party! And what will Tifa say, if you don't go?"

I feel my lips press together tightly.

Yuffie grins in triumph, "I knew that'd get him. See, nothing to worry about Vince!"

"Now you just have to convince Barret...and myself," Vincent still hasn't opened his eyes.

"Tah, you know you want to Vinnie."

"Call me that again, and I will make sure Wutai has no heiress."

"You're no fun," Yuffie sticks her tongue out before turning her attention back to me, "So?"

"So what? I...I..." I' m at a loss for words here, people.

It's a skirt.

"If I hear one crack about this," I gesture to the skirt, "I'm not wearing it. Understood? Nothing about the past, present, or future when it comes to me wearing anything that could be mistaken for female clothing. Do I make myself clear?"

Yuffie nods her head seriously, "Crystal."

"Good. Until then, I'll consider it," I nod my head, and study the skirt again.

Excuse me, kilt.

"Oh my God."

I turn to see Tifa, still in my shirt, her hands flung up over her mouth, eyes wide.

"...um..."

She turns her attention to Yuffie, "You already told him?!"

What?!

"You knew about this?!" I ask.

She jumps, and blushes deeply, "I-I...um–

"And you...weren't going to tell me?" I ask.

"No! It's not that...it's just, we agreed," Tifa glares at Yuffie, "That I would tell you...you know, soften the blow."

I grip the skirt, ahem, kilt, in my hand and dangle it in front of her face, "How could you of possibly softened the blow? Please, do tell."

She gasps, and narrows her eyes, "I don't know, but it would've had to been better than the way Yuffie told you."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really."

"And how long did you know I was going to wear a skirt?"

"It's a kilt," Tifa spats the word, "And I've known for three weeks."

"Th-three weeks?! You've known for three weeks and didn't even try to tell me? And you said you were going to soften the blow?"

She crosses her arms, and pouts, "I still hadn't figured out how I was going to yet. But! I would have!"

"Yeah...right."

It's about at this point and time I notice Yuffie lean over to Vincent, who has opened his eyes by now but is avoiding looking at the ski-kilt.

"Lovers spat," I hear her barely whisper, but apparently it's enough to send Tifa over the edge.

"Out! Out! Get out of my house right now!" Tifa yells, and points at the door.

"B-but Tifa!" Yuffie protests.

Vincent's already leaving. I swear, it's just to get out of the vicinity of the s-kilt.

"No! I spent my entire night yesterday in the rain marching in heels! I'll be damned if I spend this day with two kilt-fearing men and a klepto-ninja! OUT!"

Yuffie doesn't protest, she runs quickly after Vincent, pausing at the door.

However, this goes unnoticed by Tifa.

"And you!" she turns her attention n me, "You are going to wear this thing. I don't care what type of therapy you have to go through before or afterwards, I will force this thing on, do you understand?"

...oh fear. Which is scarier? Wearing a s-kilt...or facing Tifa's wrath?

...hmmm...

I nod my head sheepishly, "Yes ma'am."

"Good," she forces out, trying to smile.

Apparently she still isn't in the best of moods. Her feet are red, and look raw.

"Now, I'm going to go do something for my feet, I suggest you do something for your back, and," she jerks the kilt out of my hand, "I'm taking this with me...in case you get any ideas. Yes, I do know what you did with those boxers. Those were my favorite pair too."

...they were?

Dammit!

Wait, she has a favorite pair of my boxers? Well, she does do my laundry.

Tifa walks away, and that's when I hear a snigger. I turn towards the door quickly. Apparently Yuffie stuck around for that little fiasco.

"Boy, are you whipped!"

"I will slaughter you."

She laughs again, "Oh, and Vince lied...I did get a picture."

She's halfway down the street hanging out the window of the truck by the time I get the door open. It was jammed with a couple kunai.

"Bye Cloud! Oh! And Tifa will be getting a special package in the mail in three days! Good luck!" she shouts, waving.

Oh great...just great. I asked Yuffie to bring me a dress for Tifa, and she comes back with a skirt for me.

I can't wait to see what she picked out for Tifa.

Not.

A/N: For some reason, I find that Cid could possilby be Scottish...or would find it highly entertaining to see any of the FFVII boys in a kilt, and this was the perfect excuse. Could you imagine Sephy in one?! And no, I don't know what heritage in Gaia would be equal to Scottish in our world. But I do think kilts are rather sexy, at least in my opinion they are. I've been cheerful lately, so that's why I've been updating this story so much, and neglecting the others. Ahh, well, you can just wait. It won't be much longer, I swear! Vin! did ya not see I stole your word 'snarky'? i like to give little tributes to me reviewers...and for some reason that word popped into my head last chappie. Andalite! You can't be serious! You don't really hate me, do you? XP onewingedangel omagosh, I about died when I read 'I vote cave sex'...seriously, that made my day. Sorry, no cave sex though. Sabith! dude, blown blew...what's the difference? no, seriously, I couldn't think...I was like blowwed off...wait, that's not right...blew! then you said that, and I was like...der. I'm an idiot sometimes, I swear. And yes! Cloud is a cheeky bastard! ChibiTeef: Yes! you got the 500th review! Enjoy a cookie.

Thanks for all the reviews! 502 in 39 chapters! What will you do for me this chapter? XP Later loves!