Stud Muffin

Erg...the exhaustion. Who'd of thought driving would take this much out of you? At least Fenrir is behaving...

...for the moment.

So, currently I'm heading in from a delivery job. My date with Tifa is tonight. I've got it all planned out...romantical and what not...all that mushy stuff.

Yes Shera did help me.

I am not that feminine...honestly, just cause you wear a dress once people start asking you for advice on interior decorating and shoving kilts in your face.

...I can't help it if I have a good eye for wall paint and sofa fabric!

...yeah...

Ahem, anyways...so like I was saying...romantic dinner...surprise...

Yeah.

I called in, and Marlene answered. Tifa's gone to the grocery store, and I know she'll be gone for about two hours. I timed this down perfectly. I've just got to get in, and get out.

And if push comes to shove, I'll just have Marlene call Tifa on her cell to stall her...pick up more things, you know...that sort of thing.

So I pull up to the bar, dismount quickly and head inside.

I pause just a step inside the door.

It's quiet...too quiet...

"...Marlene?" I ask apprehensive, letting the door swing shut behind me.

"Denzel?" I move towards the steps slowly, eying each corner.

I feel like I'm being watched. I swallow, and shrug. Maybe they went out to play. If they did, there should be a note on the counter.

I move towards the kitchen, and that's when it happens.

"Flying ninja kamikaze stank bomb of doom!"

"Augh!"

I go down...was that...a cloud (heh, cloud) of green? And Denzel? Was he...wearing a gas mask? Where the hell did he get a–

...oh my God.

"Oh! Oh man," I roll over onto my side on the floor, clamping my hands over my mouth.

I lay there writhing for a moment. Shallow breaths, breathe through the mouth. Don't even think about inhaling through the nostrils.

I gasp, the cloud has disipated, but the stench remains.

...what is that?! It's horrible!

...wait...is there...something wet on...my arm?

Oh hell no, I know they did not.

I stand quickly, jerking my head around, my forearm pressed against my nose. I stumble, the stench making my eyes water and my vision blurry. I reach out, touching a wall, and recognize it as the doorway to the living room.

"D-cough-Denzel!"

What the hell is this?!

Wait a second...I think I heard ninja in that war cry...

I'm going to kill Yuffie.

DAMMIT!

I retreat to the upstairs, the stench following me...or is it me? It better not be me!

"Hi, Cloud!" it's Marlene, voice chipper as usual, but slightly muffled behind Wutai-styled gas mask.

Oh you got to be fuc–

"Heh, home early, Cloud?" Denzel asks, appearing beside of her, in a matching mask.

–king kidding me.

"Woo, boy...do you smell, Cloud."

"...It's on me?"

Denzel bursts out into a fit of giggles, Marlene replying, "Is it on him, he asks? Is it on him?!"

...damn.

I sigh, heavily, "Marlene..." my voice sounds strange through pinched nostrils, "How do I get it off? Burn the clothes? Is that the joke?"

Denzel is on the floor now, Marlene bent in the middle, tears watering up behind her mask, "...b-b-burn the clothes? Oh she was right!"

"How do you get it off, Marlene?" My patience is running thin here.

"Y-you don't!" she cries, before joining Denzel on the floor.

"...it better wear off then," I reply.

That only spurs more laughter.

...only one thing will get them to help me now, "I have a date with Tifa tonight."

Marlene freezes, and even though she's wearing a mask, I can see her pale behind it. She elbows Denzel in the side when he doesn't stop laughing.

"Ouch! Hey, what was that for?" he glances at her.

"It's a very...important...date."

Marlene swallows, "Uh oh."

"...oh boy," Denzel says, before jumping up.

"Alright! We've got a code blue-forty two! Denzel! Get the tomato juice! I'll grab the car air fresheners. Put him the decontamination room! I'm calling in backup!" Marlene shouts.

Denzel stands, saluting once, before they both rush off in opposite directions.

...what the hell just happened here?! Blue-forty two? Tomato juice?! Backup!

Eep.

And then Denzel's back, grabbing my hand, a bottle in one hand, and yanking me into the 'decontamination room', better known as the hall bathroom.

He places me on the toilet. I think I'd normally be fighting this, or demanding an answer, but the smell has affected my brain stem, and I'm just so bloody confused.

And then there's Marlene, rushing in with a package, phone up to her ear.

"Yeah it's an emergency! Listen, I don't care what she's doing! I need to talk to her now!" Marlene shouts into the phone.

Denzel...Denzel?!

"Denzel?! What are you doing?!"

"You were right, we need to burn the evidence...give me your shirt."

I eye him skeptically, before unzipping my shirt and pulling it off to hold it out to him. He reaches over to the counter where I'm assuming a line of 'decontamination tools' has been laid out, and picks up a pair of...are those the tongs I use to barbecue?

"Denz–

Too late. He's already grabbed the shirt with them, and shoved them into a plastic ziplock bag. He seals it before tossing it off to a frazzled Marlene, who then shoves the bag in a black trash bag.

"It didn't get on your–

"No...it didn't get on my pants."

Not happening.

"You've got an important date, Cloud."

"I'm aware, Denzel. Thank–

"Thank goodness! I told them it was important! I mean, how many people have your personal room number, honestly?" Marlene spits into the phone, "I know, I know...listen, we have a code blue-forty-two–

There's a shrill squawking sound of a voice on the other end.

I shudder...it's her. And she understands the code speak! Hell, she probably was the one that designed the system.

"Yes! We didn't know!...well, we've already got the bar prepped for destinkification, since you know how Tifa would react."

Destinkifi-what?! Is that even a word?

Marlene pushes on, "Yeah, we've got them...uh huh...right, right...what'd we use? Oh...well, two months worth of Denzel's sock sweat–

Fight the urge, Cloud...remember your last puking escapade?

"–six rotten eggs...moldy bread, you know, for sustinance; seven rotten banana peels, three deteriorated apples and oranges. We've got garlic, ten cans of–

I clamp my hands over my ears, and Denzel giggles. I give him a silencing look, and see Marlene's gone quiet, taking to nodding her head quickly. I move my hands back slightly.

"Right right, standard super-ninja-stank bomb material...how'd we mix it? The blender."

Mental note: never use blender again.

Ever.

"Denzel?"

He looks up at me, "Yeah, Cloud?"

"Throw the blender in the trash bag with my shirt."

He gives me a puzzled look, before reaching over and grabbing the bottle of tomato juice.

"What are you–

Squirt!

"Ah!"

Come on! You've got to be friggen kidding me here! This cannot be happening!

"Okay, thanks Yuffie. Will do," Marlene clicks off the phone.

She reaches out to grab the bag of air fresheners, and rips it open with her teeth. She pulls out three tree shaped cardboard air fresheners, green with the word 'Minty fresh' printed across it.

"No."

Too late...again. She's hung them on my ears, and slipped the other one around my wrist like a bracelet.

No...no more! Please, why?! Someone save me! The one day...the one day!

The phone rings, and Marlene checks the ID. Her face goes pale.

"It's Tifa," she whispers.

"Answer it," I hiss.

She nods her head once, "Hey! Tifa!"

There's a muffled reply from the other end.

"T-the grocery store's closed?"

Son of a bitch.

"Freak accident on the vegetable/fruit isle you say? Oh, some kids rigged a watermelon to explode...wow, kids these days."

Oh don't even try to play that one off, young lady. Wait till your father hears about this one.

Wait...he'll probably laugh his ass off.

Dammit!

"Well...I need...I need..." Marlene's looking for stalling, at least she's that smart, "...I need air fresheners! You know, Denzel's socks stink up our room...yeah? You'll stop by a convienent store? Oh...you're a life saver Tifa, thanks," she clicks off the phone, "We've got thirty minutes, tops!"

Denzel nods intently, "Look away Marlene."

She nods her head once, before turning swiftly, "I'm going to fix the downstairs now!"

...look away? Why?

Ouch! Damn! Who knew Denzel had an arm? Damn!

And I'm face down in the tub, Denzel standing over me, reaching out for the knobs. I'm miserable, covered in tomato juice, and air fresheners hanging off my ears.

"What are– Gah!"

Scalding water to the skin! Ah!

I rear back, and bang my head on the faucet.

I hiss, and rub the back of my head, and I hear Denzel wince in the background, but he's already moving on to the next object.

Is that...? It is! It's Tifa's sweet pea body wash! No, Denzel! No! Don't do it!

...shit.

"You owe me big for this one, Denzel," I say, feeling the glob land in my hair.

"I'm sorry?"

"You're sorry and you still owe me big."

Ten minutes later, after a fresh, scalding shower, Marlene is standing on my desk chair in my room fixing my jacket.

"See? A sports jacket is much better for this occasion...if you'd of worn a tie, like you originally planned, it'd seem to formal. This is a date, you're suppose to look good, and dress nice, but you got to be relaxed," she says wisely.

I nod my head listening.

"And black and blue, it looks good on you. You should wear this more often," Marlene states.

"Yeah, if I ever go on a date again after this," I reply.

"Hey! I told you, the stench is gone. All evidence gone. Denzel's already disposed of the trash in the dumpster two streets down. We're good."

"Even the blender?"

"Yes, the blender. You can explain that one to Tifa, though."

"Done," I reply as she steps off the stool.

"See, you look good," Marlene states, as I turn to look in the mirror.

"Not bad, but I better not smell funny anymore."

"The stench is gone, Cloud."

"Is the sweet pea?"

She giggles before replying, "Your manly cologne should cover it."

"By the way Marlene," I ask, pulling on the cuffs of my sleeves, "What'd you put in that soap Denzel brought me? It did work...good."

Marlene's eyes go wide before she calmly replies, "You don't want to know."

I glance at her dubiously, "It can't be worse–

"It can, Cloud. It can," and with that she walks away.

I'm hidden out back when Tifa gets in, pushing Fenrir away from the bar so it doesn't alert her. I've made all my calls, and everything else should run smoothly tonight...as long as I don't get attacked by another flying ninja kamikaze stank bomb of doom.

Or however the hell it went.

As I'm pushing Fenrir away, I hear Tifa talking to the children through the cracked kitchen window. I pause for a moment, listening to her laugh with the children.

"I got a package today? And a letter? Let me see," Tifa says.

There's a rustle, and a pause before she says something else.

".Wait..is that...is that, mint and tomato I smell? You really were desperate for air fresheners, weren't you Marlene?"

A/N: I don't know where this came from...actually, I do. I just had this mental image of Cloud sitting on a toilet, with air freshners hanging from his ears...next chapter: THE DATE! OH lord you guys don't know what I've got planned...oh, I was just reading over it...and I was like...God, Cloud really is Gaia's bitch. You just wait, people. Just wait. Who would've thought we've hit chapter 41 and he STILL hasn't proposed. Gosh, Cloud, you're such a slacker. XP. Anyways, just prepare...for the future brings changes, happiness, embarrassment (obviously but not just Cloud), and much, much more. Calistar! Sailor Moon rocks! Don't let Haruki tell you otherwise! XP Ghostly you made my day with that, seriously...it was wonderful...that is awesome. I've got to run, I'll reply next chappie, promise! I LOVE YOU ALL! WITH LIKE MASSIVE HUGS! peace loves XD!