Chapter Fifteen
Blinking her eyes against the early rays of sun peeking through the window, Jaina stretched like a tuskcat rising from a sated slumber. She rolled within the sheets and craned her neck toward the chrono. 0727. Remarkably late for a woman accustomed to early morning drills and days crammed full of obligations. On the other hand, it meant she only had acquired a little more than three hours of sleep…
"Caf."
Extricating herself from the tangle, she yawned and stretched again. Vertebrae popped, and muscles complained. Yesterday's shenanigans had left her sore and stiff, all right. What she really needed was a good run. Considering the hour and the day's schedule ahead, she made a command decision.
She tugged on shorts and a tank, then snatched her lightsaber. She began to strap on its shoulder holster, adjusting the fit as she walked toward the door. Halfway into the living suite, Jaina drew up – and the lightsaber slapped into her palm.
"Whoa!" The man who'd been sitting on the couch now stood backing away from her, his hands held out defensively in front of him.
"Kriff it, Cem." Jaina holstered her lightsaber. "What the hell were you thinking?"
"Uh… Jag let me in? It was his idea."
She walked over to the table piled with gifts and grabbed a juri fruit from one of the baskets. "Lucky for you I wasn't inclined to stroll around naked. It's the first day of my honeymoon, you realize."
"Right. Sorry." The blush was apparent even through Cem's tattoos. "But my father was worried you might try to sneak out unsupervised."
Jaina took a bite of the fruit. "Whyever would he think I'd do something foolish like that?"
He said nothing, only pointed at the window out which she had jumped after her Yuuzhan Vong attacker.
"Technically, I snuck back in." Scrutinizing his attire of grey and black active wear, she arched an eyebrow. "So are you here officially, or just to see me off?"
"Officially." Cem stepped toward the front door, then waved it open. "I'll be supervising your escort detail."
Jaina followed him into the corridor. The standard pair of guards flanked the door, and a new, second pair stood further down, at the lifts. They all snapped to attention. "No Major Fiore this morning?"
"He's been… relieved."
Jaina stayed rooted at the door. "Because of me?"
Several paces ahead already, Cem pivoted to face her. "No. Your mother."
"What'd he do to her?"
"Long story. Classified. You know the drill." He thumbed in the direction of the lift. "So what's it going to be? Lazy stroll on the boardwalk or running me ragged along the beach?"
Striding after him and into the opening lift, she replied, "Boardwalk."
"Man up the beachskimmers," Cem barked into his comm.
The door swished closed, followed immediately by the sinking sensation of the lift beginning to descend. This was the part that would take some getting used to. Things happened differently in the Empire, and going rogue had repercussions she'd never really had to bother considering before. After yesterday's incident, some level of debriefing was paramount, and she couldn't bring herself to begrudge Jag rising early on the morning after their wedding to finish necessary business before their scheduled afternoon departure. That was one thing. The heightened security and retasking of key personnel, though, implied that, despite her best efforts, Jaina had disappointed her new father-in-law.
"I promise not to make it too difficult to tail me," she told her brother-in-law, keeping her sigh to herself.
Without warning, Cem slapped the control panel and the lift shuddered to an abrupt stop. "Look, I know this isn't what you're accustomed to, much less want. In fact, if you ask me it seems almost contrary to the whole reason we're charged with protecting you. Because something tells me that when things go sour, you'll be taking three or four more lives into your hands, instead of just your own."
"Cem…"
"But it's not my call. Let's get one thing perfectly clear, Jaina. If it comes down to it, to choosing who gets saved and who dies, you're to choose your own life – no matter the cost. That's why we're here. That's what my father expects."
"That's not who I am."
"Sure it is." Not taking his gaze away, he reached behind him for the lift controls. "You're a Fel now."
There was no further discussion. Once the doors opened, Cem was all business. The lobby was atypically quiet, and the few beings who occupied it consisted of staff and guests Jaina did not recognize. Apparently the reception had overtaxed her friends even more than she'd realized. The sight of two troopers in speeder gear waiting at attention, though, was enough to stay her smile. She passed through the lobby and out the side exit to the boardwalk, where she found the two speeder bikes at the foot of the steps leading to the beach.
Jaina stretched in silence, then picked up a casual jog along the shoreline. Even without the Force, she was aware of the speeder bikes flanking her and her brother-in-law maintaining a respectful shadowing position behind. For the daughter of the former Chief of State, tuning them out should have been simple. But it wasn't.
She tried to concentrate on the pounding of her feet on the sand. The second beat of steps seemed to overwhelm her own.
Instead, she tried to enjoy the beauty of her surroundings – the brilliant sparkle of the aquamarine sea, the playful dance of the birds, the pristine expanse of white beaches ahead. Along the shoreline, she noticed a pleasure boat encroach on the security zone – and watched as one trooper hastened the oblivious tourists on their way.
Jaina chalked up her distraction to one too many champagne toasts, not to mention an emotionally draining week. In times like this, she knew to draw strength from the positive things in her life. Despite her apparent propensity for sabotaging her future with Jag, despite war and politics, despite everything, she was finally married to the one man who had made her heart flutter. She had fought and struggled; she had prevailed.
Finally she had a life to share, and a family willing to forgive the unforgivable, to rebuild her and protect her as one of their own. Why, then, was there this undeniable ache, like a stitch from running too hard, gnawing deep in her gut?
A harsh toll had been exacted on her the past few months. This was her still-healing body protesting a run that wouldn't have even elevated her heartbeat a year ago. But she'd been training. With Jag and Cem. Even Soontir…
Her feet faltered, and she slowed to a walk. Her hand went to her side as the twinge expanded. She felt concern from her protector, and looked back to wave him off. That moment, seeing the tall man with blue eyes, sucked the breath right out of her as swiftly as a sudden decompression in space. A brother…
No matter how hard she tried in the years ahead, the hole inside her would never heal.
Ahead a towering volcanic rock, resembling an obsidian Imperial shuttle in both size and shape, jutted up from the pristine beach. Jaina climbed out along its ragged incline. The speeder bikes couldn't get too close because the waves broke violently, throwing water into the air. Cem didn't seem compelled to follow. Near the tip of the jetty the rock rose nearly perpendicular to the sea, forming a protective wall. Jaina flopped against the wet, unforgiving outcropping and covered her eyes.
Jacen, where did I fail you?
A question with no answers. His loss she struggled to accept, like an arm cleaved from her body. How had she not recognized the signs, felt the darkness close around his soul? They had been connected from the womb; he had always been her solace. Some niggling part of her wondered if the attentions of a young pilot hadn't distracted her from the reality of her twin's fall? If she hadn't surrendered to the protective arms of another man, would she have seen the truth? Jaina was the Sword of the Jedi, but she was still weak. She had still wanted, even if for small slivers of time, to be protected. Had she let Jag's love slowly substitute for her brother's, until she didn't notice it was missing far too late?
At what price was the fleeting happiness of yesterday's wedding?
Her legs buckled. Jaina's back slid roughly along the rock wall as the paralyzing sensation of warm viscous fluid surrounded her palm. She didn't want to look, but enough of these breath-robbing attacks had shaken her recovery that Jaina willed herself to glance down. She readied to find blood on her hands, every time expecting it to be real.
Her hand rested in a small tidal pool, pressed into the slippery lichen warmed by the morning sun.
Jaina inhaled, forcing her lungs to expand and resist her mind's physiological torment on her body. Wasn't this just guilt? Her breath left in ragged gasps, unable to push back the uncertainty and tears welled in her eyes. Had she rushed headlong into marriage? Was this a mistake? Had she blindly walked into a prison of her own making?
The thought made her insides twist. Only a tremendous exertion of will stopped the bile rising up. Her father – a man who could read a bluff a kilometer away – had been full of doubt up to the very moment he had walked her down the aisle…
A wave crashed into the rocks, and Jaina shielded her body instinctively from the spray. Amazingly not a drop landed on her, only a warm wind blew against the palms of her hands. She blinked in disbelief, then blinked again when the blaze of sunlight blinded her momentarily.
When she opened her eyes a man stood before her. Jaina exploded to her feet. Her senses heightened; her eyes focused intently on her potential opponent. Yet something kept her lightsaber where it rested snugly in her shoulder holster.
Just as quickly, alarm changed to disbelief.
"Anakin?"
He grinned, that lop-sided goofy Solo grin. "Lubed! It worked this time."
"This time?" Jaina's heart raced; her breath came rapid and shallow. "Please don't tell me you've been trying all along. That you were trying to come tell me how wrong I've been, and didn't show up until now."
Her brother, all blue and ethereal, laughed. The sound rooted out the hollow sensation that had crippled her not more than a minute before – and, oddly, a happy snort erupted from deep inside her.
"What," she brushed the remaining tears from her eyes, "is so funny?"
"You." Anakin tried, unsuccessfully, to stifle his laugh. "You haven't changed."
"Apparently you've been out of the loop, little brother." She sighed sadly. "A lot has changed."
His grin waned, and Anakin pivoted so he stood beside her. He leaned back to sit against the rock, patting the spot next to him. "From a certain point of view, maybe."
Rolling her eyes, she joined him. "You sound like Obi-Wan in that stupid holovid about Uncle Luke."
"So what if I do? From where I'm sitting, Jaina, you haven't changed much at all from the sister who fought by my side on Myrkr."
"Haven't changed? That was a lifetime ago, most of it a living hell. All this fighting and death… Not much has changed in the galaxy, sure. But me? Anakin, I killed –" She couldn't even bring herself to say it. Not to the first brother she had failed.
"Darth Caedus," he finished for her. His voice had that tone to it now, the one that brought back so many memories. The one that sprang out when Anakin felt he had been ignored by his older siblings, or their father or mother. Being the youngest of the Solo clan, Anakin had often felt overshadowed. Even now, when she didn't want to look in his eyes, she had to. The corner of his mouth turned up, in more of an assurance than a smile. "You did what needed to be done. You killed a Sith Lord."
"But –"
"No. Take Jacen out of the equation. If Caedus had been a Neimoidian politician, would you have equivocated?"
"Or Alema Rar? Of course not." Jaina threw her hands up. "Don't think I haven't gone there. But I can't just take my twin out of the equation, Anakin. It doesn't work like that."
"But it does, and you did." Anakin's arm crossed, his hands burying into the folds of his Jedi robes. "Finishing Darth Caedus was the right thing to do, no matter who it was he used to be."
"Would you have done it?"
"The question is, could I?" He shook his head ruefully. "I'd like to think so, but I won't pretend I really know. I never got a chance to be that person. What I do know is that the Force weaves our paths so that our strengths serve their best purpose."
"How can you possibly believe that, after what Jacen became?"
"What he turned himself into. Just because the Force offers us a destiny doesn't mean we'll choose it." His blue eyes were full of the same confidence and determination Jaina remembered from their last hours together. She had told him as much, but at the time she had been the older, wiser sister determined to see her brother's mission through to the end, despite his wide-eyed, innocent optimism. Anakin had known his destiny and fulfilled it. "For the record, dying doesn't take away the doubt. It's no easier than living with your choices. Just lonelier, and duller."
"Duller?"
"I'd give anything to taste some thakitillo," he said with a sly grin, then his face saddened quickly. "Or to have given you a reassuring hand on the shoulder a million times over."
"You're lonely?"
"Well, Ulaha and many others are there. And of course, Mara. Things haven't been the same since she's been on the scene."
"And Jacen?" It was a question Jaina was afraid to ask, but still the words slipped out unchecked.
"He exists beyond the plane of life."
"Does he suffer?" She didn't want that.
"The echoes of our past resound for eternity."
A tear trickled down Jaina's cheek. "He must hate me."
"No, no." Anakin reached out, but she felt nothing. He could not touch her. "When he died, he was consumed with fear and rage, but also freed from the limitations of his tortured body and mind. Outside our bodies, time begins and ends at the same moment, and our deeds fold upon themselves, revealing the truths of our lives. It's got to be a painful eternity to know that you forced the one person who best knew the depths of your soul to run you through with a lightsaber."
She winced. "Yes, the emotionless Sword."
"Jaina, you have this incredible ability to separate your emotions from the task at hand, but it's your capacity to feel those emotions while not serving them that sets you apart from the Jedi."
"Okay, now I know I've lost my mind." Jaina glanced up to the sky. "Please, Force, save me from the madness that has claimed my brother."
A sharp pop cracked behind her ear. "Ow! Did you just slap me?"
"Astral." He chuckled. "Ghosting and Force slaps from beyond in the same day."
"Anakin…" She rubbed her ear.
"Stop that," he said sternly. "You did your job; you did it with the support of the Jedi Council and our parents, and most importantly, you brought balance back to the Force. Our brother's soul is a work in progress, but his fate shouldn't dictate yours."
"Hasn't Jacen suffered enough?"
"Irrelevant. If he's decided he's wrong and seeks redemption, he doesn't just get a free pass."
She opened her mouth to argue, but Anakin pressed his point.
"Regret doesn't diminish the consequences; you should know that better than most. You told me as much after the attack in the slave city. Dwelling on his loss won't bring Jacen back – and it may cost more in the end. He made his choices; you made yours. You need to stop blaming yourself for the past. It gets in the way of the life laid out before you."
She held up her hand. The ice crystals of her new wedding ring twinkled more brilliantly than the morning sunrays on the aquamarine waters before them. The band should have hinted to the promise for the future. It just felt heavy. "Is it not over?"
"Don't fear the alone of your destiny. It isn't what you think." Anakin hesitated, pondering his next words. "All this time I've tried to visit you, wondering why the Force wouldn't allow it when you were suffering so terribly. Now it makes perfect sense."
"Of course, it does," she snipped, her fist clenching.
"It does." Anakin started glowing, much like he had in the moment of his death. The Force whirled into him in visible strings of light. "You've marched down this path of your own volition. You didn't need me until now – to tell you you've done it right."
"Have I?" Her brother burned so brightly, Jaina had to shield her eyes. She felt him then, his touch merely a whisper against the side of her brow. "Anakin, don't go…"
"You're not alone," Anakin said, but she knew it wasn't true. He had left her; Jaina began to cry.
There was so much left to say. How's Mara? Did he have anything to say to Mom and Dad? If you could do it all over again…
But the moment was lost. In her imagination she had spoken to her brother a thousand times, and every single time it had played out better than this. In her dreams, everything was perfect. Anakin had Tahiri. Jacen, Tenel Ka. She had followed her little brother to Myrkr to protect his rash, hopeful soul from the crush of war. She would have taken a million amphistaffs, suffered untold breakings, for the promise of his earnest faith in the Force and his love of life.
"Jaina?" Scrambling to her feet, she held her back toward her approaching protector. She reached out, not feeling threatened, yet wanting to get a sense of Cem's concern. What she felt was completely unexpected.
"Jag." She stepped away from the rock wall so she stood unprotected on the outcropping.
"Are you all right?" Her eyes did not deceive her. Jag stepped forward, dressed in a casual black jumpsuit. The corners of his mouth were drawn tight.
"I'm…" She glanced down, wondering what she could say that he'd believe. She met his green-eyed gaze. "I was talking with my brother."
"Anakin?"
She nodded.
He didn't ask if she was all right this time. Jag simply walked forward, taking her into his arms. Just like that, her doubt washed away. This man truly loved her. Her gift of the Force allowed her to feel it radiating from every fiber of his being. Anakin had given his life so she could have that chance. She owed it to him to take it.
The sun shined a little bit brighter, and the emptiness in her heart filled with an emotion that had long been elusive – hope.
Jag pulled back, his hand cupping her cheek. "I love you."
"You'd better." She kissed his palm. "For a long time."
He bent down and tasted her lips. "Forever."
"So," she said, wrapping her arms around his waist, "what do I have to do to get you all to myself?"
"Say the word, my dear wife."
"You mean, after lunch with the ambassador from Kentith and before I get debriefed by your – watch out!" A wave barreled into the outcropping, and Jaina tried to jerk away. Jag held firm, and seconds later they both were thorougly drenched. "Oh, kriff. Nothing until I get out of these clothes."
Jag grinned, hugging her tighter. "I'll help."
"When we get back to the room, flyboy."
"No need to go back there." He nuzzled her neck suggestively.
"Um, Jag? Privacy?"
"You trust me?"
"Of course."
He waved a hand, and a distant rooster tail signified one of the shadowing speeder bikes hurtling their way. The trooper reached them in a matter of seconds. The deceleration on the speeders was quite impressive. Without saying a word, the trooper dismounted. Jag climbed into the seat, then looked back as though he was disappointed Jaina hadn't already hopped right on behind him.
"Milady," the trooper said in a detached filtered voice as he held his hand out to assist her.
Jaina considered his offer for a millisecond before using a Force-assisted leap to land in behind her husband. She grabbed hold as tight as she could and kissed the side of his neck.
She was pretty sure she was in for the ride of her life.