I sat staring unmoving at the familiar phone sitting in front of me on the table. It was almost taunting me. Like the longer that I stared at it maybe it would just solve all my problems for me or give me some kind of answer if this was the right choice.
The room was completely silent around me. Then again, what was silence? Was there such thing? There was always that silent buzz of the world around you and of course the sound of my own increased breathing and heavy heartbeat in my ears.
I felt as if I was pushing pause on life and there was nothing but my currently lifeless phone and I. That everything else was frozen and even though I knew that life was still going on around me, to me it felt frozen. Like I held control to it all and the second I picked up that phone it would all start again.
This thought almost brought some sort of comfort to me. It was the comfort of having control of the situation and feeling like I was the one in charge. The uneasiness, however, came from the lack of control of the outcome. The uncertainty of the unknown outcome petrified me in the most terrifying way.
I had two choices here.
One, I could just stick my phone in my pocket and walk away continuing life as it was. I could stay with Sav.
Sav. Even saying the name in my own head made my stomach twist in an uncomfortable way. Things were different from how they were when we first started dating. I was so convinced that he was right for me, that I was so comfortable around him. That was the problem though- it wasn't me. Not the real Holly J that I want to be. That was the insecure me that hides inside of even the most confident of people; the one that a true heartbreak can bring to the surface.
Once I was growing out of the hurricane of heartbreak and feeling lighter I realized that I wasn't falling for Sav. He was that thing that kept me safe and secure when I felt vulnerable. I loved Sav Bhandari… but not in the same way I loved, and still love, Declan Coyne. I would always be thankful for Sav and I would do most anything for him, but for the past couple of weeks the idea of being romantic with him made my stomach flop and not in a good way.
It came to the point where I was beginning to avoid him and give off a cold front. It broke my heart and made me feel like one of the worst people because of it. I didn't want to hurt Sav in anyway and I knew the longer I stayed with him the worse it would become and I couldn't bare the idea of hurting him anymore.
But I couldn't get Declan out of my head. Declan never left my head to begin with. I had been lying to myself and I knew that now.
Which is why I was here now, for option number two.
Declan said he would be waiting for me to call. What if things had changed? What if he had met someone else and was only speaking out of passion at the time. If I dial this phone, what if it's the call that rebreaks my heart? I wasn't sure if I was ready for the heartbreak and humiliation.
Everything in my brain was telling me to reach out and grab that phone, but my body wouldn't move.
I was waiting for that sign, that answer, more than anything I just wanted it to jump out at me, but deep down I knew that it wouldn't.
I used everything inside of me to get my arm to move forward and grab the phone. My fingers shakily dialed in his number. Now all I had left to do was push the call button.
For a few minutes I just stared at his number hoping the silence would press it for me. I stared long enough that the phone went idle and back to my home screen. I quickly dialed it back in and knew I had to make some kind of move.
My eyes squeezed shut and my thumb hit the call button. It felt as though someone else was controlling me now. The phone went up to my ear and my heart was beating even harder in my chest and throat.
The rings were horrible and seemed to take ages. What if he didn't answer? I began to panic, but my panic was interrupted by the familiar voice.
"Declan Coyne Speaking"His voice was surprisingly comforting and an entire rush of emotion surged throughout my body. I knew this was the right thing to do.
"Declan… It's Holly J"