Lord of the Dance

"…and one two three four, one two three four. Come on people! All eyes will be on you! Each step, each angle of your pinky toe must be right! There is no room for error! No room for mistakes! The happily married couple's first dance must be perfect, and you guys still can't come in on the right time! They have to dance for the first song, and then twelve counts into the second is when you come in! Work with me!"

God I'm going to kill Cecil. No pressure, right? You've just got to dance, and it's not that complex because we aren't allowed to overshadow the happily married couple.

Only one problem: I can't freaking dance. It's like…impossible, and I cannot see the freaking purpose in dancing. At all…none…what so ever.

Torture…pure torture.

"Ow!" Tifa hisses.

…maybe it's more torture for Tifa since she's my partner and her feet have just been subjected to being shattered. Again. Her poor toes are exposed since all the women decided to practice in their heels, a punishment cruel enough in itself.

"Sorry," I mumble, keeping my voice low.

"Strife!"

Damn that man! One minute he's oozing gushy feelings to Tifa and the next he's a freaking dance boot camp instructor! DAMN HIM.

I don't even say anything; just turn my eyes grudgingly to Cecil.

"What is that? The twenty eighth time you've crushed poor Tifikins toes?"

Tifikins? Tifikins? What the hell!

"Thirty second," Cid says from somewhere on the side.

Bastard getting to sit out whenever he wants to! Course, I guess paying for the bill helps him to rule Cecil.

I hate this man.

"It can't be that hard, Strife. All you have to do is move your feet!"

Yuffie snickers. God, poor Vincent, I think Cid purposely stuck her with him just to drive him absolutely mad. Well, I guess if Yuffie ever gets to bad he can always stab her ankles with his shoes.

Barret on the other hand is in an even more awkward situation with Shera's younger sister. And coincidentally tiny sister. She's like a mini Shera, except she's realllly mini, so it's sort of off set by the massiveness of Barret.

Course, Cid's older sister is stuck dancing with Shera's little brother, which happens to be one of the twins which also happens to be one of Yuffie's targets. So, when Cid's sister is looking around, and Shera's brother is innocently moseying along, Yuffie sends him these…looks. He's turned about seven different shades of red in the past five minutes.

Oh look, he's purple.

"Strife!"

Damn you Cecil!

"What?" I ask, annoyed.

"Err, Ce…" She's given him a nickname now too, great! "Don't worry about Cloud, I'll make sure to spend enough time with him."

Cecil eyes me, "Right…I'm trusting you Tifa. He's a loose cannon…you might want to wear your steel-toed boots to the dress rehearsal."

"Wait, dress rehearsal?" Barret asks.

"Of course! All weddings have dress rehearsals. You'll be in your—

"You son of a bitch, Cid! You told me I'd only have to wear that damn kilt once!" Barret roars.

"Oh? You're wearing kilts? How festive," Cecil says.

"Festive my ass!" Barret shouts.

Cid scoffs, "You have to wear it! It's a dress rehearsal!"

"That don' mean I have to wear a dress!" Barret shouts.

Go Barret! You tell that crazy kilt wearing bastard!

"Oh suck it up you big pansy!" Cid shouts, "And you Vincent! You aren't wearing those damn shoes, either!"

"I think I will," Vincent intones, "They protect me from Yuffie's feet."

"They're freaking metal!" Cid shouts.

"He does got a point," Barret says, "She's got some damn big feet."

"Hey!" Yuffie screeches, "Like you've got enough to say you big oaf!"

"At least I'm proportional!" Barret shouts.

"That's a big word for your vocabulary!" Yuffie bellows.

"The fact is you aren't wearing those damn pointy shoes, Vincent! And Barret, shut your mouth! We know about Yuffie's abnormally large feet! Why do you think we had to special order her shoes?!"

"Hey! That's personal!" Yuffie retaliates.

"So was my hair loss, brat but you sure didn't have a problem telling everyone else!"

"Bastard! I didn't tell anyone!"

"Oh yes you did!" Cid yells.

Shera puts her head in her hands.

"Goodness," Tifa mutters, "We should've never brought Shera and Cid's family here. They didn't need to know that we're like this…ignorance is bliss."

"We're?" I ask.

She giggles, "You're wearing a kilt too."

"Last time I remember you don't have abnormally large feet."

Something else is abnormally large though. Heh…

"I heard that bastard!" Yuffie screeches.

God she's a freaking banshee.

Now, something happens in this moment that I wasn't aware of cause I was too busy looking at Tifa.

But it's pretty easy to figure out what happened whilst ignoring the thorn in my side.

"Yuffie…" Vincent says lowly.

"Yuffie! What the hell are you doing?! Put your shoe back on!" Cid yells.

"I'll show you abnormally large!" she shouts.

Whack!

Thud.

"Ah! Cloud!"

…Do you know that little pressure point on the back of your neck?

…Guess where that bloody shoe hit…

I dropped like a bloody rock.

"Holy crap Yuffie knocked out Spike!" Barret yells.

"With a shoe?!" Cid laughs.

"Cloud?" Tifa asks.

God! What the hell?! A shoe hit me in my neck! I freaking blacked out for two seconds! A shoe! A SHOE!

Yuffie's cackling in the background and I slowly realize that everyone in this stupid rehearsal is laughing at the fact that a shoe just took me down.

I slowly stand up, a little light headed. Tifa puts an arm on my shoulder; she has a little grin, though.

"You sure you okay?" she asks.

I nod my head slowly, spotting the enormous heeled shoe on the ground.

Payback.

I pick it up slowly, holding it my hand. Damn, they're right. Yuffie does have huge feet.

Yuffie's still cackling, so she doesn't realize when I turn swiftly and chuck the shoe back at her.

Yuffie squeaks, spotting the shoe and ducks. It hits Vincent in the chest, and he loses his balance, falls backwards and takes out Mini Shera. Barret catches her, stumbling backwards and hits Cid's sister, and the Twin. The Twin tumbles and somehow lands on top of Yuffie who wasn't there about two and a half seconds ago.

And if that wasn't enough to take the cake, the shoe has somehow ricocheted off of Vincent and bounced off Cecil's arm, slid across the floor to timely take out the oh so helpful cane of our dear hobbling father Grant.

Oh crap.

And daddy Grant goes down!

"Daddy!" Shera screams, and the Twin is up, his apologizes that Yuffie had hoped he would deliver momentarily forgotten at the fact that Papa Grant is on the floor.

Tifa gasps, her hands flying over her mouth. Somehow she's the only one unscathed from this little battle.

"Daddy? Daddy are you okay?"

Grant grunts, slowly sitting up on the floor, the Twin returning his father's cane.

"What the bloody hell happened?" Grant asks.

Vincent is standing slowly, a bit winded after taking a direct hit from Yuffie's shoe. Yuffie is lying dejectedly on the ground, obvious disdain at being forsaken for an old cripple man. Yes, obviously she needs the help and attention more than him. Mini Shera is blushing profusely as she untangles herself from Barret, and Cecil is rubbing his arm.

"Oh Daddy, one of the girls shoes…got flung off in one of the dances. It sort of left a path of carnage," Shera hastily explains.

Grant lifts the shoe, "Damn…what's a girl wearing a shoe like this?"

Yuffie's head bangs on the floor loudly, but everyone's to busy watching Grant struggle to stand.

"I'm fine, really Shera, James. Go back to your dancing…I want to watch…see how we're coming along."

"Alright, Daddy," Shera says, nodding at Twin now dubbed James.

James walks back over to Cid's sister, and Vincent drags Yuffie up by her elbows much to her disdain, and then suddenly Cecil is playing music again and we're right back to where we started.

I'm failing miserably once again.

"Ow! Ow! Cloud! Foot! Toe!"

"Oh, sorry," I mumble.

"Strife!"

Damn you people!

Grant's yelling at me. The man who can't walk is yelling at me! Well, I guess I can't dance, so…

This sucks!

Grant's hobbling over towards us now, ignoring Cecil and Shera's protests.

"Get out of the way, boy," Grant shoves me with his cane, poking me in the side.

Is he going to dance?

"Start the music, rainbow fluff!"

Cecil gasps, but complies, restarting the music.

Poor Cecil, even he can't catch a break with this guy.

Tifa stands there hesitantly, not knowing what to do. Grant puts one of her hands on his shoulder and the other on top of his on his cane.

This is comical, really. Tifa's about five inches taller than Grant and Tifa isn't that tall in the first place.

I almost start to smirk until I see that Grant, the crippled man, that's right, the crippled man with bushy eyebrows and shorter than Tifa, is dancing better with a bloody cane than I on my own two feet. Man, talk about embarrassment.

Tifa smiles, they don't move much but at least he isn't decapitating her toes.

Man, I really suck at life.

After watching them through one agonizing song, Grant finally acknowledges me.

"Alright boy," he waves at me with his cane, "If a crippled old man can do it, so can you."

I bet he didn't step on her toes because he has three legs. Well, two legs and a cane. Course, that's one more thing for him to watch from killing her toes with…

Dammit.

I step up slowly, taking Tifa's hand and putting my other hand on her waist. Grant slaps my feet with his cane.

"Spread those feet apart, boy!"

Tifa's smiling at me, but I'm telling you, this is bad because this is erasing the shoe massacre from everyone's minds.

I can't dance man! Give it up.

"No, that isn't right, move this foot," cane down on right foot, "Then this one!" cane down on left foot.

Ouch.

"Now you know how it feels, so maybe you'll stop doing it to the lady!" Grant grunts.

Why me?!

"Start the music, tooty fruity!"

"I never!" Cecil gasps, but starts up the music anyways.

Tifa closes her eyes in preparation for the pain…but…it never comes. Grant shouts orders at me and I follow them, and by the end of the lesson I can dance without stepping on Tifa's toes! Course, it isn't a very good dance, but its better.

Grant's talking again, "I tell you, I could do a mean Tango with the missus back in the day, rest her dear soul…shame I can't walk without my cane, else I'd steal your girlfriend for the dance! Hell knows you can't do that boy, even with me and razzle dazzle coaching you!"

"My name is Cecil!"

Tifa grins down at the man, "I would love to Tango; Salsa and Swing dancing are my favorites. It is a shame, I would've been honored."

Damn the old man! Quit wooing Tifa!

But the old man does seem a bit happier…I guess he really does like dancing.

"Well, thank you for teaching Cloud how to dance, Grant. I appreciate it."

"Dance?" Grant scoffs, "That looked more like a petrified Chocobo with fleas!"

Stupid old man.

A/N: edit: I changed the title.Razzle dazzle tooty fruity rainbow fluff. Poor Cecil! Ah well, that was fun. Shoe of Carange...beware! Thanks for all of the reviews, loves! I need to respond to you guys, but I'm so busy with just writing! But never fear, I will eventually! I love you! I also posted a new story...check it out if it tickles your fancy. Till next time!