Super Freak

I hate my life.

Well, not really, but really...okay, that doesn't make any sense what so ever, but what else is new? And who the hell cares whether or not the inner workings of my mind are not sensible? I don't care.

Tifa is sitting at the bar, thumbing through a book; Cid's here too, sipping on some drink. He looks sort of forlorn. I guess I'd be too if I had to leave the sunny shores of Costa del Sol for Rocket Town. HA! Cid's married...that's an entertaining thought.

I'm behind the bar; how the hell did I get behind the bar once again? I have no freaking clue, but I am. I guess it's cause there's next to no one here. Tifa's too busy waiting on Yuffie anyways. Yuffie went out with Reno last night...yeah, can't wait to hear this one. If they started the relationship with bodily harm and slushy throwing, one can only imagine the carnage they caused actually going on a date.

"Teeeefah," Cid drawls.

I think he's had one to many.

Tifa glances up from her book, "Yeah Cid?"

"I need mo'," Cid makes a crude gesture at his empty glass.

Tifa sighs, lifting her book back up to her eyes, "I think you're good Cid."

Cid grumbles something before staring down at the empty glass.

Huh, the last time I saw Cid drunk was at his bachelor party...oh yeah, like that was lots of fun, dragging his drunk ass up to his hotel room. I supress a sigh as I pick up another glass.

"Cloud..." Cid says slowly, "Cloud...Cloud...Cloud...Cloud..."

"What Cid?" I ask.

"I need more," Cid gestures at his glass again.

"Cid–

"Why are you behind the bar anyways? Isn't that Tifa's job? Isn't she the bartendin' gal?"

Tifa sighs, pushing off her stool and putting her book on the counter. She reaches across picking up Cid's glass.

"No more."

"You aren't the bartender, Cloud is. He can tell me when I can't have any more, ain't that right, Spike?"

Hm, "No more."

Cid slaps the counter, "That's not fair!"

I shrug, turning my attention back to the dishes.

Tifa walks up beside of me, bumping her hip against mine, "Thanks for doing the dishes. I'll take over after Yuffie gets here and gets done talking."

I shrug; it's been kind of quiet around her lately. Barret took Marlene and Denzel out for the day, and obviously Yuffie's been too preoccupied to show up around here.

"So you two decided on a date yet?" Cid asks, suddenly sort of sober.

I narrow my eyes, Tifa glancing at him.

She gives a little smile, "No...I don't think we're in a hurry."

Cid snorts, glancing around, "Yeah, right..."

I narrow my eyes and Tifa just shakes her head.

"I hope you get married soon so I won't be the only one stuck in this thing called marriage."

"How is married life, Cid?" Tifa asks.

Cid snorts again, and Tifa gives a sly smile, "Oh you know you love it Cid, don't try and lie."

"I just gotta stop smokin...I'm about to go bloody crazy, you have no friggin idea," Cid growls.

"Oh that's right," Tifa smiles softly, "How is Shera?"

"Bloody moody...Spike, when you gonna knock her up so we can suffer together?"

"Hey!" Tifa shouts, her face flushing.

...I can't even begin to process that information right now.

"I just wanna be able to make fun of this guy more than usual, that's all," Cid shrugs.

Gee, thanks Cid...thanks a lot.

Tifa sighs, putting her hand on her hip, "Cid, being married is special, so is having a baby."

"Special? Yeah, I guess that's one thing to call it..."

Tifa shakes her head and prepares to say something else, but that's about the time Yuffie bursts through the door. All three of our heads snap up as she stands there with the door against the wall; she's got one hand gripped on the door frame, and the other is still up against the door. She's about to hyperventilate I think...

It's kind of strange seeing her dressed like a normal girl...I mean, she's wearing jeans...when was the last time I saw her wearing jeans? I mean, I know I saw her in a dress at Cid's wedding (which was scarring enough) but she's carrying a purse...a bloody big purse too, some deep, purple leather purse that looks like it could be big enough for Conformer to fit in. Actually, it wouldn't surprise me if Conformer was in there and that was the only reason why she was carrying it.

Cid just stares at her before reaching across the bar and grabbing a drink from beneath it; I don't even think he knows what it is...or he might just not even care what it is.

"Yuffie?" Tifa asks tentatively.

That seems to break the spell. All the blood rushes to Yuffie's face and she suddenly stops breathing, her body still tense.

"Yuffie?" Tifa asks again.

"Oh. My. God. I. Will. Kill. Him."

"Yuffie?"

She suddenly lurches forward and stumbles into the bar. Tifa flinches backwards as Cid pops the cap of his beer off.

"Hey brat," he mumbles at her.

Yuffie makes her way to the bar, before collapsing up against it, ignoring Cid's degrading comment.

Tifa leans over the bar, her brow wrinkled with concern, "Yuffie, are you okay?"

"Who ya going to kill? Mullet boy?" Cid asks, and chuckles at his own joke.

I pick up a glass and begin to dry it. I swear, our lives could possibly be the most entertaining thing ever. There's never anything normal about it. Everyone I know is crazy.

"Yuffie, what is it?" Tifa puts a hand on her shoulder.

Yuffie snaps.

"He's such a bloody frickin tease! The asshole! I hate him!"

HA!

"So, I take it no second date?" Cid grunts.

Yuffie's sudden rage dies as quickly as it's born. Her face falls, and she frowns, deeply perplexed.

"No...some how...some where...there was a second date planned..."

Cid's eyebrow raises, his lips still on his bottle, "Orly?"

"What?" Yuffie hisses.

"Oh really?" Cid ventures, snickering slightly, "You got conned by Reno, huh? What'd he do? Make ya pay for dinner?"

"No..." Yuffie breathed, "He was the perfect gentleman...I hate him! He should've been rude or crude or said nasty things or stared at the waitress and he didn't and he led me on and when I tried to kiss him he denied me. Me! ME?! Yes, me! He denied me. Where in that picture does that equation go wrong boys and girls?!"

"Wait, slow down," Tifa says, waving her hands.

Wait, yes, slow down...I think I heard something about a second date and kissing denying...or something like that.

I don't even think I can form words at this point and time.

"Wait...you kissed Reno?" Cid asks.

"Tried," Yuffie sighs, defeated.

"Why?" That was me...yep, I just had to open my big mouth.

Yuffie's teeth grind together; I swear I think I heard them crack.

Suddenly she's launching herself across the bar, her feet hanging off the ground so she can lean her upper half across the bar. She then proceed to pummel me with her big purple purse.

"You!" Whack! "Jack!" Whack! "Ass!" WHAM! "I'll!" Twhack! "Kill!" Whack! "You!"

Killed.

Ouch.

SON OF A BITCH.

Weren't you supposed to kill Reno?!

Tifa pushes Yuffie back, where she hits the floor with a soft thud. Yuffie huffs, slinging the straps of her purse onto her shoulder, and crossing her arms.

She seethes at me.

"I tried to kiss him because he sent me all the right signals," she huffs. "That's it...I'm not going on a second date with him. I'll just ignore his phone calls and see how he likes having all the right signals and not the right product."

Well, then what was the point in going out him with the first place? You should've just skipped the first date and went straight to ignoring him. Sounds like a plan to me.

"Yuffie," Tifa starts slowly, "Are you sure you went out on a date with...Reno?"

"Yes!" Yuffie's voice raises an octave, "I know it's hard to believe, but he took me on a date and he didn't try and get in my pants!"

"Wonder why," Cid mutters into his bottle.

I had forgotten about him.

However, Yuffie seems to react to this about as well as me asking her why she even attempted to kiss Reno. Ew.

Yuffie's face turns red again, and she draws up her entire five foot ...no inches, her five foot stature and begins the ultimate smack down. I swear, that purple purse is a more effective weapon than Conformer ever was.

"You idiot!" She brings the purse up over her head, and brings it down over the back of Cid's head.

"Ow! Scrawny bitch!"

"You jackass! I hate you all! Mocking me like this!" Yuffie screeches, continuing her beat down.

"Listen, it's not my fault he didn't find you appealing!" Cid shouts, holding his hands out to protect his head.

Yuffie freezes, dropping the purse onto the ground suddenly, "Ehmahgawd you're right."

"Hell yah I am," Cid slowly comes out from the cover of his arms.

Yuffie gives another defeated sigh, glancing around, "I'm an idiot. He just did that so he could...date me, and say I've been with the great ninja Yuffie Kisaragi."

Cid shrugs, "Then why didn't he get in your pants?"

Yuffie glares at him, "Like I would've even let him," she sighs, "I guess he knew I'd kill him when I found out he played me, and actually touched me."

"Right, that's it," Cid grunts sarcastically.

Cid, you're probably about to die.

Yuffie's eyes light up mischievously, "So, Cid, how's married life?"

Cid snorts, "Ha! Married life..."

Cid reaches into his back out, slipping out a pack of cigarettes, and a lighter.

"Cid, I thought you were quitting," Tifa says, crossing her arms.

"I am," Cid shrugs, before grinning, "Inside the house. My first cig in two weeks...I'll tell you what's married life, not escaping her fecking hormonal fueled nose that can smell cigarette smoke three miles away."

"You shouldn't smoke that," Yuffie sings.

"Does it look like I care?" Cid asks, slightly muffled by the cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

Cid picks up the lighter with shaky hands, running his thumb across it once...twice...thrice...failure!

Cid growls, putting his cigarette and lighter on the bar, "Tifa, you got a lighter I can use?"

"Uh," Tifa reaches into her back pocket, "Yeah here."

Tifa pulls out her lighter and Cid takes it gratefully. He reaches down for his cigarette but only touches smooth wood. He doesn't look down, just slides his hand across...of course, after about five seconds of this he realizes not only is his cigarette not there, but his lighter, and his pack of cigarettes.

Oh crap.

There's a soft 'shck!' and the smell of cigarette smokes wafts into the air.

Cid's fists clinch, and he turns slowly, his nostrils raising slightly at the scent. He spots Yuffie leaning against the far wall, his pack of cigarettes in one hand, the lighter which is working by the way, held to the cigarette in her mouth.

Cid turns purple.

Yuffie takes a deep drag on the cigarette, before blowing it out through her nose, and gives a triumphant yet lackadaisical look at Cid.

"Man," she gives a dramatic sigh, dropping the barely used cigarette to the floor, "I really needed that...after all that stress...man, talk about your stress reliever."

Toe down...grind, grind-ground.

"Hey, watch my floor Yuffie," Tifa scolds.

Has she not even noticed Cid? I mean...he's purple, as purple as Yuffie's bag and–

Oh God he's gone.

"Cid!" Tifa yells, but it's too late.

Here...let me explain this better.

If some innocent customer were to walk in the door right now, they might see this...

An aging, balding pilot whose currently purple and cigarette deprived chasing a crazed, manic ninja with a klepto complex that may lead to her death; they also might would see poor Tifa chasing the two of them trying to reduce the destruction to her bar, and then they'd see me.

Me who is standing behind the bar drying a glass with about as much interest in this as paint drying.

I mean, really, yeah, it's entertaining but how the hell is this surprising? I mean, it's expected that these people are going to act idiotically.

"Yuffie! You little–get back here! I'm going to slaughter you! And you're indifferent boyfriend bitch!"

"Ha! You have to catch me first! Hear that wheezing?! That's because of these babies!" Yuffie yells, shaking the pack in her hand.

I can't handle this right now.

"Ah ha ha!!" Yuffie cackles, rushing past the bar, Cid following close behind.

Tifa has given up; she sits down at the bar to watch along with me.

I have an idea.

Since the towel plan the last time Yuffie was here didn't work, well, I'll make it work this time.

They're coming around for another lap; I step out from behind the bar, Tifa watching me with a confused look.

Yuffie's charging at me, a big grin plastered on her face.

She isn't expecting this.

As she rushes past me, I reach down hooking my arm around her waist, and pinning her beneath my arm against my side. She screams, more shocked than anything, and I have time to reach down and grab the cigarettes and lighter out of her hands.

Cid's coming now, too fast to stop.

That's okay.

I take a step to the left, and leave my foot out. He hits it, and does a face plant onto the floor, sliding across it.

That'll probably leave a mark.

Yuffie begins to yell obscenities as I head for the door. I kick it open, registering the fact that Cid has now regained his footing and is charging at me.

I drop Yuffie on the ground where she shouts indignantly before I throw the cigarettes and lighter out onto the street.

"Bastard!" Cid screams, diving out the door after them.

I pick up Yuffie by the collar of her shirt, and dump her out onto the sidewalk.

"Hey!" Yuffie screams, but she's cut off as I slam the door in her face.

I flip the lock, but that's about the time that a ring tone starts up from the giant purple purse.

"...That girl is pretty wild now
The girl's a super freak
The kind of girl you read about
In new-wave magazine
That girl is pretty kinky.
That girl's a super freak
I really love to taste her
Every time we meet.
She's all right, she's all right
That girl's all right with me, yeah
She's a super freak, super freak
She's super-freaky, yow!"

I resist the urge to curse as I see who is calling.

Reno.

I answer "Just one moment."

"Strife?" he asks, confused.

I unlock the door and open it, surprised to see Yuffie still sitting there in shock.

I throw the phone at the back of her head, and drop her purse on the ground beside of her.

"Ow! Bastard!"

"Reno called," I say, and she squeals, diving for the phone.

Now I shut the door and lock it for a final time, flipping the open sign to close.

Tifa watches me from across the room with her eyebrows raised, an amused expression on her face.

"That was a little...extreme..." she giggles.

I walk straight up to her and she smiles again.

"Why did you lock the door?" she asks.

No need for explanations I feel. I think it's pretty easy to figure out.

Without a word to her I wrap my arms around her and sling her over my shoulder.

"Cl–Cloud! Put me down! Cloud what are you doing?! Cloud! Cloud!"

Tifa flops around, smacking my back as I head up the steps.

A/N: Bwha! I'm alive! I know, it's been awhile, but classes are kicking my ass. And! I went to the beach this past weekend! Talk about heavenly...though, I think I gained three pounds. My grandma must stop cookin the sweets...UGH! Also, my birthday was the 8th! Yes, Horky is officailly 19. Woo, celebrate. There were some problems apparently w/ last chapter and Denzel speak. I see it as little boys find blood and destruction fun...thus the 'dude' and 'sweet'. He's a hippy LMAO I don't remember who said that but I about died...twas great.

Anyways, this chapter was spontaneous...all that in the begining was just a prelude so that I could get Yuffie stealing Cid's cigs. I don't know if the coupling w/ Reno and Yuffie will continue. I don't care, this isn't they're story. I might mention Yuffie's romantics in passing, but I really don't know how that's going to go. Sorry if ya don't like it, but since it isn't a main focus I hope you all stick around. Also, that last bit, I hope you got that. Cloud was lusting (o la la!) I always felt that if Cloud wanted the smexes and just got suddenly lustful, he'd just pick Tifa up and carry her off...not even tell her...just take her. Course, I'm sure this would happen only if they were in a regular sexual relationship. I don't think it'd be like that if they were just chillin at the bar one day as friends, and Cloud just picked her up silent like and carried her into the bedroom...though that might be friggin hilarious XD

I can always tell when you guys get impatient for another chapter cos the view count for chapter 61. was like 200 more than 60. LMAO, I'm sorry guys, I'll try and be better about it. I love you! Thanks for all the reviews, lovelys. You guys rock my world. XP