A/N: Thanks to Captain Wee for chapter title...rock bottom my ass XD

Milkshake Mamas

Tifa rolls over in her sleep and slaps me, groaning. I jerk awake, blinking wide as I try and piece things together.

When I envisioned us sharing a room, I didn't think to calculate the cons into it. It was all pros for me; Tifa all the time, any time. I mean, I guess I should've thought about smack sleeping.

Beat down!

And it's not like getting slapped by Tifa in one's sleep is like getting slapped by a feather. It's like a friggin brick wall just dropped out of the sky and landed on your chest. This woman can embroider pillow cases, yet she chooses to smack me around like a punching bag. Crazy.

She sighs, and then snuggles up into my armpit. Yeah, that's right...payback. Smell my stinky pits...well, they aren't too stinky. I did take a shower. I'm not a complete heathen, you know.

Damn...foiled again.

I can't say I really blame her, she's been sick these past couple of days and hasn't gotten much sleep until tonight, so I'll put up with the abuse. Plus I love her, and I'm pretty much putty in her hands. Damn... I'm a softy.

Like a milkshake. Cold yet soft...such an enigma.

I'm complicated like that... hard to understand, I mean... not hard to get along with. I think I'm a pretty likeable guy. Hell, I just compared myself to a milkshake, and everybody loves milkshakes.

Well, I guess people who are lactose intolerant don't like milkshakes... or can't eat cheese...and milk...and other dairy products. I suppose they could like milkshakes, but couldn't have them.

You know I used to think that it was 'lack toast and tolerant'. I mean, what the hell does that mean? I can't eat cheese...therefore I lack toast... and I am tolerant of this fact. I have come to terms with my toast lacking, even though toast is not a dairy product and has nothing to do with cheese. I guess if you butter your toast, you can't eat it because it, like cheese, is a dairy product, therefore containing lactose, and if you're lactose intolerant than you're screwed.

I'd be pretty damn depressed if I couldn't eat cheese.

More so if I couldn't eat ice cream.

"Cloud?"

"Hn?" She wakes. The beast stirs...brick wall fists and all.

Smell my pits.

"What are you mumbling about?"

Mumbling? I, mumbling? I wasn't mumbling. I was holding a intelligent conversation in my head.

"If you keep talking about toast and cheese you're going to make me hungry."

Oh, midnight snacks are the greatest. I should get some ice cream, and eat that thing to the floor... since I'm not lactose intolerant and all.

"Are you listening?"

"Hn?"

"Thought so."

She shifts, snuggling her nose up beside my neck this time and sighs.

Ice cream, that would be a bitchin' late night snack. Great, now I can't stop thinking about ice cream... orange sherbert... milkshake. I've never had an orange sherbert milkshake. God I want a milkshake now. It would hit the spot.

I could slip on her slippers, and slip my way down stairs and into the fridge. I could make a milkshake, we've got a blender... a new one, and not a stink bomb infested one, either.

I'm not going to be able to fall asleep now. I've got a one track mind, and it's tracking milkshakes.

...with cherries.

"Cloud!"

"What?"

Tifa sits up, propping herself up on my chest and glares down at me.

"Are you going to talk all night?"

I stare at her, wide eyed. "I didn't even realize I was."

"You keep muttering ice cream, and milkshakes. Are you trying to make me go get you one?"

"...no." But if you want to, I won't stop you.

She sighs, and gives a little smile. "You're hopeless."

I just need something to distract me from milkshakes.

She leans forward and plants a big kiss on my lips.

Oh. Distracted.

Screw milkshakes. With this sort of distraction I could be lactose intolerant.

xxx

This is a war of will. A great will, a fight of strengths within one person. I am strong, and will resist. I will triumph, I will win.

Cos I'm bitchin' awesome.

I relax my muscles, laying back on my bed. The corner of my mouth twitches, and then my eyebrow. I ball up my hand, making a fist, and flex my arm three times.

Fight it, Cloud, fight it.

This is war. This is not going to beat me.

Oh screw this.

I sit up quickly, scratching my forearm with my finger tips. It would work better if I had nails, but I really don't have long nails. Stubby, little nails that don't go past my fingertips. They can't hit the skin that way.

Ah! Sweet relief. Scratching that oh so annoying itch.

I sigh, and lie back down on the bed.

...crap.

My arm itches again, and worse.

I scratch my nose, and then my chin.

I have an itch compulsion. As soon as I itch in one place, I itch in twelve other places.

I must start the war over again. The first battle goes to the itch, but the war is not over, not by a long shot.

I should probably get out of bed soon...do things. Like work. That might would distract me from the itching.

Tifa got up like...an hour or so ago...and I'm a lazy bum, staying in bed. Oh well, my arm itches...I have a good excuse. Good reason...

Man my arm itches.

My phone rings, though, distracting me. I reach over, fumbling for it before flipping it open.

"Hello?"

"OH MAH GAWD Kuh-loud! How could you not tell me?"

I hate it when she does this. "Tell you what, Yuffie?"

She scoffs. "Only the greatest, most awesome news ever, you dipshit."

Ouch.

"Uh."

"I mean, I thought we had gotten pretty close after the past few months, especially how you've helped me with all the Reno drama."

"How is that?"

"Reno? Oh, I totally played him the other day. I asked Rude out on a date. You should've seen how quickly his tune changed. He sent me a dozen lilies."

"Aren't lilies the flower of death?"

"How the hell do you know that? Shut up, I don't care."

Isn't it wrong to toy with a man's feelings?

Wait, it's Yuffie...she has no sense of morals. Duh. And it's Reno...why should I care?

"But still, Cloud! I'm hurt! The greatest news of your life, and you keep it secret from me. My heart...it weeps."

This is getting old real fast. "What are you talking about?"

"I can't believe you're still playing this game."

Game? What the hell...I didn't ask for this.

"I mean, to keep something like Tifa's pregnancy a secret–

Holy hell... what the hell did she just say?

"You can at least tell me if it's a boy or a girl."

"..."

"Cloud? Are you still there? Kuh-loud! Hell-o-o-o! I'm asking you a question."

"How..."

"Oh, I was in Edge yesterday, and I saw her in the Maternity Clothing store. She was looking at a cute dress."

I try to form words, but my voice cracks.

"I mean, she could at least go shopping with me. I mean, I can kinda understand you not saying anything, but Tifa? This is big ass news, ya know?"

She's pregnant? Why the hell hasn't she told me? ...maybe this is why she's been sick.

Holy shit I'm going to be a dad... is that a good thing? I mean, I don't mind being a dad, but... I don't know if I'm cut out for this.

I can't stop twitching. This is BIG. This news...is huge...I can't contain this...I need to buy baby things...like cribs and blankets and bottles! And not liquor bottles... baby bottles. Milk

What if it's a boy?

Holy crap what if it's a girl? Sixteen years from now I will have to regulate dating patterns...forbid male company... I'll have to have talks about sex and drugs...I can't do that! I can't handle that type of responsibility! Can you imagine how a sex talk will go with my daughter!

Bump that, I'm sending her to a nunnery.

I'm going to have to teach him-her-it how to walk, and talk... I'm going to have to change diapers, and clothes, and give baths...and deal with burping and puking and pooping.

I can't... I... I'm too...too me to reproduce.

Well, too late for that.

I kinda already have.

"...but I was all like, why hasn't Tifa said anything, unless she's planning a surprise or something? So I was like, I'll call Cloud, he'll know what she's planning. So what is she planning, Cloud? How far along is she? When's the baby shower? Come on, give me some juicy bits."

My voice squeaks again.

"God, Cloud, you're acting like you didn't even know–...oh. Oh. Shit. God...I feel like an ass... I hope it's yours, after all."

My voice just went up another octave.

"Wait! No! I didn't mean...it like that! I mean, you know Tifa...wouldn't be with anyone else. I mean, she couldn't hide that from me, so it's definitely yours. Definitely. Yep."

WHY WOULD SHE SAY THAT!

"Uh..yeah, so congratulations and everything! Got to go!"

Click.

Bitch.

...I hope my kid doesn't lack toast.

A/N: WOOOOOOOOOOO! I live. PREGNANT! TIFA! WHAT A TWIST!¦lt;/p

Lots of news. So, I know it's been months (God help me) but it's been a rough few months. I need your prayers (and not meaning to religiously offend someone) but my best friend of 12 years and roommate's mother suffered from a brain aneurysm this past week, and is in the hospital in critical condition. She's got a chance of making it, but she also has a chance of not... so if you could say a little prayer for her, I would appreciate it greatly. I know it doesn't seem like much maybe to some of you, but it would mean the world to me. Every bit of support is appreciated.

On a lighter note, I'm going to Cali this summer and I'm going to be at anime expo a few days with my (go figure) Asian friends. This is a big trip (I'm on the east coast) and I'm so excited, and they want me to dress up as someone but I can't make up my mind. Suggestions would be appreciated, preferably long brown hair ones. But all are appreciated!

Thank you all sooooo much for the reviews etc. etc. I read them all, and enjoy them. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and hopefully I'll have another one out sooner. Till next time loves.