A Grown Ass Man

I have managed a full successful three days of bullshiting.

Screw you, it's not a word, I don't fucking care right now.

Do you understand? Could really anyone understand why my fiancé is keeping one of the greatest things ever from me?! Could anyone really?!

...pardon me if I'm just a tiny bit stressed out right now, on the wire, on the ledge if you will end of my rope crap.

Run on sentences suck.

But see, today I cannot escape.

For the past three days I've been in this house for about six hours a day, and five and a half of those are spent sleeping. That's right. I've taken on a buttload of deliveries, keeping myself busy so I don't think about that lying woman that I love.

Babies.

Dammit.

I've been getting in at about one in the morning, sleeping till six thirty, getting up and rushing the fuck out. Of course I've called in and checked up on everyone, and of course I've called at those times when I know Tifa won't be around. I'm afraid if I talk to her I'm going to blurt something completely irrelevant out, and just mess everything up...not like I haven't been messing stuff up, but you know–

Babies–

DAMMIT. See?! That's what I'm talking about! My mind is so sporadic right now I can't trust myself to speak more than two word sentences! Even to Marlene when I'm talking to her on the phone I'm like, okay, yeah...well...I'm usually like that anyways, but this is serious.

Today, though, since I upped my intake of deliveries an infinite amount, I sorta...maxed out...my customers for a bit. See, I have regular customers that I make deliveries to once a week, and I usually hit them up on the same day, just keeping it spaced out and even.

I made about sixteen deliveries early these past three days.

And now I'm out of deliveries.

So I've kinda...been hiding all day. Usually on a day when it's slow and I have no deliveries, I'll help Tifa out around the bar...but I mean, you can obviously see why I don't want to do that right now. Too much tension...too awkward...

So, instead, I've been working out like a mad dog in the basement. I haven't worked out this much in a long, long time. I yawn, placing the weight back into its rest, before sitting up on the bench.

I'm itchy again...I think it's stress. It has to be stress...I mean what the hell else could it be? Who in their right mind itches this much with absolutely no reason? My face, my chest, my friggin legs. I feel like I'm on fire. That's all I've been doing...lift a weight, scratch...lift, scratch...lift scratch.

I need a new routine.

I sigh, folding my hands together to stare at them.

What am I playing at here? Why hasn't she said anything? It's driving me crazy... I can't take much more of this, but I don't know how to bring up the topic of her pregnancy. I mean... what do you say?

Hey, I heard you were pregnant and since we make love on a regular basis, I was wondering if it was mine... If you could let me know, it'd just be a great weight off my chest, ya know.

And then I might stop itching!

"You still down here?"

I flinch, glancing to the right. She's standing in the doorway, leaning against the wall.

... I'm afraid to speak.

"Listen, dinner is going to be ready soon...just thought I'd let you know."

"...thanks."

"Are you okay?" Her head tilts to the side, and she frowns slightly.

She looks the exact same. Aren't pregnant women suppose to glow or something like that?

"Cloud?"

"Oh...yeah, I'm okay. Just tired."

She gives a small smile. "I bet; you've been going pretty hard these past couple of days. Just take it easy, alright?"

I nod my head.

Though, babies cost money. Lots of money.

Babies...

"Well, head up in a bit, if you're hungry." She turns to head back out of the room.

I sigh again, before leaning back.

CLANK!

MOTHER FUCKER!

I hiss, rubbing the back of my head furiously.

Of course only I, after spending seven hours down here, could possibly forget about the stupid metal bar right behind my head!

...babies.

DAMMIT.

xxx

Supper is sort of quiet. Marlene and Denzel chat enough, Tifa smiling and throwing in her own words when prompted. I sit silent and watch.

I don't think I'll quite ever understand why Tifa is hiding something so monumental from me. This is half me... this is half my doing. I deserve to know. I have a right to know.

So why the heck do I not know?

Well... I know...but, I mean, I don't know...as in, Tifa hasn't told me.

I pick at my food, stirring a macaroni across my plate. Tifa smiles at something Marlene says, and stands, picking up her plate. She maneuver her way to the kitchen, with a juicy little sway to her hips she doesn't even realize she has– and disappears through the doorway.

This isn't...fair.

"...yeah, I totally kicked her butt at hopscotch. She shouldn't have even tried." Marlene says wisely.

"Instead of wasting your time on hopscotch, you should've been watching me play soccer. It was awesome. I totally kicked this awesome goal and–

Thud.

"Uh...Cloud?"

Thud.

"Cloud? What on earth are you doing?!" Marlene asks.

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm banging my head on the table. I have no life...nothing left if my fiancé doesn't even tell me we're pregnant.

That's right. We're... You know, I've never understood the term of 'we're pregnant'. I mean, technically I'm not pregnant. A budding baby is not growing in my tummy, nor do I even posses the proper equipment to carry a...child.

Man that's weird.

I lift my head up slowly, and Marlene bursts into giggles.

"Cloud! There's a noodle on your face!" Marlene taps the center of her forehead.

"Cloud," Denzel cackles. "What's wrong with you?"

I glare at him.

That is the question of the century, Denzel, one that will never be answered.

No...wait...the real question is 'what isn't wrong with me'.

I hope he doesn't ask me that.

I peel the noodle off my forehead. "Just don't tell Tifa."

My face itches like...well, like someone threw itching powder all over it.

They break into giggles again and stick noodles on their faces until Tifa comes back in and scolds them.

xxx

Tifa would be a good mother.

She is a good mother.

She's had no training...so I don't see how she does so well with Denzel and Marlene. She just has this... presence about her that says 'I'm a damn good mother even though I'm technically not a mother'... if that makes any sense.

I don't think I'd be a good father. As much as Tifa would say if she is the mother to Denzel and Marlene, then I am the father, I don't think I can see myself there. I more or less feel like the older brother...like a child sometimes.

I'm a grown ass man, dammit... I'm getting sick and tired of these insecurities.

I think part of the reason why I'm so insecure, and so freaking out about this whole...baby situation is because Tifa hasn't told me, and since Tifa hasn't told me, I figure there has to be a good reason why Tifa hasn't told me... and the only good reason I can think of is that I'd be a shitty father.

I mean, I've never had that father figure, and any type of male figure I could've had in my childhood hated me. My village hated me...and no one was going to take me under their wing and teach me how to be a man. I think that's part of the reason why I went to join SOLDIER. If anywhere you would learn to be a man, it would be there...that's what I thought. My mother...she brought me up, and she was good to me, better than any other mother could've been...but... she wasn't a man.

The only father figure I guess could be Zack...but...he wasn't much of a father figure... an older brother, a best friend... but a father? Zack? Yeah, right.

So... I'm like the least experienced father figure you can get...

No wonder Tifa wouldn't want to tell me she's pregnant.

Footsteps echo on the floorboards.

Tifa grins as she leans over the back of the couch. "There you are..."

She walks around the couch, and sits down on the opposite end, stretching her feet out to my chest, and leaning back on the arm of the couch.

She sighs deeply, and snuggles down into the cushions.

"You know...I'm glad you finally took a day for yourself...seriously for yourself. Usually when you have a day off, you always shadow me around the bar. I appreciate that, but you deserved a day to yourself. You deserve several."

Too bad I spent this entire freaking day mopping.

I pick up her feet with out asking, and start to rub them.

See, I know she's happy for me, but she just made me feel guilty. Her feet are always killing her at the end of the night, and I just lounged here on the couch.

Great. Now I feel like a complete and total ass.

"Ah...thank you."

I grunt, shrugging.

She stretches, and wiggles her toes in my face.

Oh, that's right. Now I have to start learning how to count piggies. One piggy goes to the market...that's all I remember.

...the other piggy went to...to... the weapons dealer?

Yeah...that's a great nursery rhyme.

This little piggy went to the market, and this little piggy went to the weapons dealer, and that little piggy fought for his freaking life, but gratefully the other little piggy was a healer, and the last little piggy fire 3'd the other little piggies asses all the way home.

Yeah...I'm sure that'll put the baby right to sleep.

"What's wrong?"

Great. Here it comes.

Just spit it out.

You freaking pansy.

'Speak.'

I'm not ready...I'm still brooding.

'Speak!'

I'm not a dog!

'SPEAK!'

Dammit–freaking–I hate you.

I study her foot as I rub it, concentrating deeply.

Here goes nothing...

"You..."

She raises an eyebrow, but I focus on her toes.

She sighs, narrowing her eyes, her face showing concerned. "What is it? You know you can tell me."

I swallow, and pinch my lips together.

1...

2...

3...

"You...aren't...pregnant, are you?"

She freezes, and stares me down for a moment, her eyes wide open.

Then she snorts.

And starts laughing.

Wait...what?

I stare at her, confused. I just asked a serious fucking question. Why the hell is she laughing at me?

"What?" I ask, and she just laughs harder.

I sit up, mad. "Yes or no."

She rolls to the side, holding her stomach, and opens her mouth.

And wheezes.

"What?"

"No!" she cries out, laughing.

WHAT!?

I– can't! Not processing— brain no longer...functioning.

WHAT THE HELL?!

She takes several deep breaths, and calms herself.

"Woo..." she breathes out sharply. "Was not expecting that."

My jaw drops.

She looks at me, and giggles. She clears her throat though, seeing that I'm freaking mad as hell!

"Uh...why...did you think that...?"

"Yuffie called the other day...she said she saw you in the Maternity Clothing Outlet."

"Ooooh," she says dramatically. "Wait...why did you listen to Yuffie?"

Dammit shit...

Why did I listen to that idiot?

I have no freaking clue.

"Wait right here."

She stands quickly, and rushes out of the room. She returns in a moment, carrying a pink bag back in.

"Look." She reaches in and pulls out a dark blue maternity dress. She holds it up to her shoulders in the dim lighting.

So that's what she would look like if she were pregnant.

Hot.

Wait–

"I got it for Shera's birthday. It's coming up, you know...well, you might not have, but you do know Shera, and you know she isn't going to get anything nice to wear while she's pregnant...so, I was walking by, and I thought it'd be nice to give her something to go out in with Cid... Or, with other people...cause Cid probably doesn't go out too much."

She folds the dress back up and puts it back in the bag.

She sighs, sitting down on the edge of the couch.

"Cloud..." She smooths back a few stray hairs from my face and tilts her head to the side. "Don't you think I would've told you?"

"Why do you think I've been stressing out for the past four days?"

She smiles softly. "If I ever get pregnant–

When woman...I'd like to know I'm fertile.

"– you'll be the first to know. I promise. Okay?"

"Even if it's not mine?"

"CLOUD!" She flushes deeply. "I won't ever tell you if it's not yours, because that'll never happen. It will always be yours...and only yours. You shouldn't even doubt that–

She cuts off, studying my face. "Oh I see...payback."

I smirk, lifting a shoulder.

She leans in and kisses me sweetly on the lips.

She pulls back though, and frowns.

She places both hands on the sides of my face and tilts my head towards the light."Have you been itchy lately?"

Oh yeah, the itch...at least I won't itch anymore because of stress. Ha ha, yeah bitches.

Since she isn't pregnant, I won't have as much stress...

So why am I kind of disappointed?

"Cloud?"

"Oh...yeah. I think it was because of all the stress."

She tuts, shaking her head no. "Nope. It's because you've got poison oak. You're sleeping down here tonight...there's no way I'm letting you touch me till this clears up."

WHAT?! Not fair! Not fair at all! That is cruel and extremely drastic! I suffer, you suffer!

I grab her wrist before she can stand though, and pull her back down.

"Ack! Cloud! It's all over your face! I swear, if I start itching–

"Then don't scratch."

She narrows her eyes, seething at me.

But then she smiles and rolls her eyes. "I guess I can distract myself. So...do you want to practice?"

"Practice what?"

She leans in and whispers in my ear.

"Making a bay?"

Game!

A/N: LOL! I cannot believe you all fell for that! I mean, I surely thought at least one person wouldn't believe it! If you did, you stayed silent...course, I'm sure as you were reading Tifa's explanation, you were thinking the same thing as Cloud 'Why did I listen to that idiot?' It's okay, though. I was kinda happy to trick you all. Cue evil laughter.

Anyways, I want to thank you all for the support you gave me, and my friend and her mother. Just to let you know her mother is scheduled to move out of the ICU on Monday, and into a regular room. She's eating solids, and is doing awesome. I'm pumped cuz I get to see her Sunday. I cannot thank you enough for all the prayers, and good wishes. I know it helped : )

Anyways, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter (and the fast update) I'm in an awesome mood now, and felt bad about leading you all own (LOL– sorry) Thanks for all the lovely reviews! I remember reading one review that was like 'I love how Cloud lives in the early 90's' referring to Cloud's BITCHIN' moments... I about died...but then I couldn't find it... DX But it was hilarious...I love you guys!

BTW thanks for suggestions for Expo... I'll prolly end up going as Tifa. Aeris is too much work...and too much pink and too much girly which is NOT me... at all. Seriuozly. Some people suggested guys...but anime guys are like stick figures!...I've got too much up top, and there's not enough binding in the world to make that convincing XD but I do appreciate all the suggestions.