Ultimate Suckery
Well…this has got to be the most embarrassing thing I've worn since Cid's wedding.
Maybe I should back up…
"I'll only be gone for a week," she says...like a week is so incredibly short…like I can survive a week with two children on my own.
She obviously doesn't know me as well as she thought she did.
Whose bright idea was it not to hire a maid? Well, when Tifa is here I suppose she's the ma—
Okay…it's probably not even a good idea to think that. That idea is going to float off into the abyss of 'bad ideas' located at the back of the mind. She probably felt it though… I bet she's getting Cid to turn around right now and bring her back home so she can punch me in the gut.
Tifa is not a maid.
She's a bartender.
I don't know how that helps…if that helps…
How about…Tifa is the hot, sexy, woman that I'm going to marry.
There…she won't punch me in the gut for that.
Moving on…
Eventually I'll figure out this whole not thinking like an idiot thing.
"Kuh-loud!"
God, she's like a bullhorn, I swear. How does so much noise come out of such a little person?
"Don't yell up the stairs Marlene!" Great…now I even sound like Tifa.
"But you are too, Cloud!"
She's too smart… I hate smart kids. They make me feel like a stupid adult.
Denzel glances at me from the table.
I point the spatula at him. "Eat your breakfast."
He swallows, picking up the toast, and taking a healthy bite.
That's one thing to chalk up to successful execution. Toast! I no longer burn it.
I think the score is like… Cloud – 6… World – five thousand…
Woo! I'm catching up!
Trust me…sarcasm is the only thing that makes life worth living.
Well…one other thing makes life worth living…and I'm kinda missing the most important part for that to happen.
Yeah, you try and figure that out all on your own.
"Ouch! Son of a—
"Cloud! I've been calling you for like…five minutes! Where is my purple sweater?!"
I hate hot pots… you know one thing I've noticed? Men hate little pains. They can't take them. We smash our fingers…knee sharp corners…cut ourselves shaving…
And it freaking hurts.
Women are just like… Oh? You're pouring hot wax on my hair so you can rip it off? Go right ahead. Cause, I do this on a regular basis, and this makes perfect sense. Yes I will take pain if it means no hair on my upper lip.
RIP IT BABY!
Ahem…okay, so maybe that's a bit extreme…but you get the idea.
I guess the reason why little pains don't bother them is cause they've been doing it a lot and on purpose. Beauty is pain…at least Yuffie told me that once.
Don't know why she would know that… I don't exactly thinking beauty when I think Yuffie.
Low blow, I know, but if she was teaching your kids how to make stink bombs then you'd be a little harsh as well.
"Cloud!"
Speaking of children…
"I don't know Marlene… if Tifa didn't wash it before she left, then I doubt it's clean."
"But I really wanted to wear it! …why are you wearing Tifa's apron?"
Oh right…that…
It's hard to make aprons manly…especially when someone embroiders pink roses and sunflowers on the hem.
How the hell do I even know that word? Embroidery… at what point and time did that enter my vocabulary? Wow…I really need some guy time.
Denzel answers for me. "It's because Tifa comes home soon, and he's out of clean shirts…so he's trying to make this one last until she does."
Marlene smiles. "Well good! You can do some laundry, then, and wash my purple sweater."
"Uh… I don't think you want him to do that, Marlene."
"Why not?"
"Well," Denzel clears his throat, glancing at me. "He did his own laundry about two days ago…"
Marlene's eyebrows rise. "So why is he out of clean shirts?"
"Well, technically he has clean shirts…but they'd probably only fit your teddy bear, Chester."
Marlene giggles. "Awesome…new clothes for Chester!"
At least he'll be stylish… though I gotta say, I'm getting tired of people talking about me like I'm not even here.
I'm right here. I could've sliced my finger off and they probably would still talk about my laundry skills… or lack there of.
Marlene joins Denzel at the table. "Cloud, Tifa's going to be home in like… two days—
"Tomorrow actually," Denzel corrects.
Marlene sends him a withering glare, and looks back at me. "I got that rehearsal for the school play tonight…and Denzel…" She glances at Denzel. "Well, Denzel just isn't capable."
"Hey, I'm perfectly capable."
"Of what, Marlene?"
"Cleaning this place." She states it as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"Cleaning?"
"Oh wait… you're right. I'm not capable. You're on your own Cloud."
"Yes, cleaning Cloud. Have you swept once this week?"
… what?
"Swept?"
"How about the dishes?"
Bam, got that. "I washed the bar glasses last night." Tifa always does that… I can do that.
"Uh…Cloud… what about the plates we eat off of?" She holds up Denzel's empty plate.
Oh…
I was wondering why we were running out of forks.
Whoops.
"Uh…"
"Did you make up your bed this morning?" she asks. "Tifa always makes up the bed."
"Did you?"
"Duh. I made mine up like… half an hour ago. Even Denzel did."
God I'm incompetent.
"You can't even wash your shirts! And that's like…fool proof! Tifa's going to come home from her trip to a dirty house. Instead of unpacking and relaxing, she'll have to clean up your mess. It's one thing to take that on a day at a time, but you unfiltered for a whole week? That's a little overwhelming."
They way you're making me feel is a little overwhelming… damn…I hate getting put in my place by kids that haven't even reached the big one zero. That's a ten, people…keep up.
"Fine… I'll…figure it out. I'll take the day off and clean up."
"But Cloud… I thought you had that delivery for ShinRa…" Denzel says.
"ShinRa's not important… go to school."
Marlene puts her hands on her hips. "He financed our school, Cloud."
Where does she learn these words? Probably the same place I learned embroidery.
"Not important. Leave."
Denzel stares at me blankly. "If school's not important, then why do I have to go?"
"Leave."
xxx
I still haven't gotten to the most embarrassing article of clothing since the skilt… Wearing a bandana around one's head can usually be considered bad ass… too bad mine's fuchsia with magenta flowers… or at least that's how Marlene described it. Trust me… I do not know those colors without the help of a female.
Listen…my forehead's sweaty, and my hair is a greasy—after the whole 'you have to clean though you aren't capable' speech from Marlene…well, I had to clean…neglecting personal hygiene.
Gross. Well, I spent a few months camping out with the gang…I should be used to feeling kind of gross…but I have become spoiled. Tifa's bathroom is like a heaven of smell good things, and bubbly concoctions.
Moving on…
Currently I'm washing the pile of dishes about three feet high. How do I not notice these things? How does Tifa do these things and take care of the bar?
The door bell rings.
I don't have time for this…I'm elbow deep in dish detergent!
…how the mighty have fallen.
"Cloud! There's someone here!" Denzel yells.
"Kitchen!"
A few seconds later a lady enters…I think she's our neighbor.
I suck with names.
…and faces… and people in general.
I just suck. I am the ultimate suckery.
"Hey Cloud…"
"Hi…" Crap what's her name? Tifa would know her name…
"It's Julia."
"Yeah, I know." Nice recovery, asshole.
"Could you deliver this to Kalm?" She holds out a package.
"Uh… not today…I'm…" What's the word? Oh yeah. "Cleaning."
She laughs. "Yeah…I noticed the headwear."
Son of a bitch, I don't need that leaving the house.
Denzel walks into the kitchen, adding a glass to my pile of dishes.
"So I hear you and Tifa are finally getting married. Have you set a date?"
Please leave… I can't handle strange people right now asking questions—
"A month," Denzel says.
"A month?!" Son of a bitch! What?! When did we set the date! I'm too freaked out to even notice the octave jumping! Holy—mother—I can't—
Julia is staring at me with wide eyes… I guess a man should know his wedding date… especially when it's only a freaking month away!
I clear my throat. "Yes… a month." Another smooth recovery. I'm on a roll.
Crap… that's right.
The night before she left for this trip… one month. This trip was so she could finalize a bunch of stuff for the wedding…meet up with Yuffie, and Shera. Oh son of a bitch! Where is my head?
"I'll show you out," Denzel says, leading Julia from the kitchen.
Man, I sure am a freaking asshole. Not only do I trash our house while Tifa disappears for seven days, but I also can't even remember my freaking wedding date.
Yep. I'm most certainly ready for marriage.
Not.
"Wow…are you stupid or something?"
Thanks Denzel… thanks a lot.
"Just grab my wallet…go to the store and buy… flowers." I nod my head towards my wallet, sitting on the counter top.
"Flowers? You think flowers will make up for forgetting your wedding date?"
"She won't have to find out."
Denzel rolls his eyes. "Yeah right. You just told Julia. She's like… the mouth of Edge. Seriously. Who do you think spread the rumor about you and the blue boxers?"
My God I thought it was Cid.
Denzel crosses his arms smugly. "That's right. This'll be out in two minutes. Probably already is…she's been outside this bar for about thirty seconds. Plenty of time."
Son of a freaking bitch. "And truffles. Buy truffles."
"That's all?"
Uh… "Wine… buy wine."
"Cloud… I don't think a fake I.D. would work. Plus, this is a bar."
I knew that. I work well under pressure.
"Just go!"
"Fine!" Denzel grabs my wallet and runs out of the kitchen.
Crap… I need to make the bed. Denzel can do these dishes when he gets back.
Hehehehe. No I am totally not bumming my work off on small, defenseless children. Denzel is definitely not defenseless. He's got Yuffie on his side.
I turn around, and rush upstairs to our room. It's been kinda lonely in here, I have to say. I'll be glad when she gets home.
I turn to face the window. This is the window that I fell out of into the dumpster into the alley. Something catches my eye, and I push the window open, and lean out.
There she is… Julia.
Crap, she's talking to another woman…scratch that, several women.
…If I lean out a bit… I can almost…
"…he freaked out when he heard it was in a month. I always thought Tifa could do better than him."
"Definitely," Strange woman number one says.
"She had such a rough time when the boy had Geostigma," Strange woman number three says.
"You know how hard it is to raise two children? Let alone support them? Being a single mother is tough…I know," Strange woman number two growls.
Those bitches …are probably right.
Maybe that was a little uncalled for. Still…talking behind my back?
"Well, I know the boy is at least his…" Julia starts. "They act so much a like."
What is she talking about?
"I think the girl is theirs too…though I've seen pictures in Tifa's room of another woman who looks a lot like the little girl. Sometimes I wonder if she's from a previous marriage with Cloud."
… previous… marriage? I'm so confused. I'm just now getting married. How can I have a previous one?
"Oh yeah! I've seen those," Number three says. "I've thought that too. Maybe that's why he has such commitment issues."
I do not have commitment issues.
I do not have issues period.
These women have issues. They need lives…I'm not that interesting that I should be the center of their confusing conversation.
"Which one is older…the boy or the girl?" Julia asks.
"I'm not sure," Number one shakes her head. "They're so close in age."
"How young did Tifa have to be to have her? That has to be early teens… imagine getting pregnant that early."
Tifa's never been pregnant. I know this. I'm the one who would cause this to happen…and it hasn't.
I can't wait till Tifa gets home…she can beat the crap out of the gossiping biddies.
I have half a mind to yell at them. I mean, they're talking in plain sight, right outside of the bar!
I go to maneuver my shoulders out the window, but I get stuck. I jerk back, trying to free myself. My elbow hits the sill, and the next thing I know… I know nothing.
Cryptic, huh?
xxx
"…hey! I'm home! I know I'm early, but really… Cloud! Cloud…come out! I want to thank you for the flowers!"
Oh my head… what the hell happened?
"Cloud! Cloud— Oh my God! Cloud!"
Where am I?
Am I stuck in the window?
How the hell did I manage that? Why do I even ask anymore? If someone can do it, then I will.
Tifa's hands are on my back, and she pushes the window up, freeing my neck, and right arm.
"Ow…"
"Cloud! What on earth!" Tifa's leaning in my face, helping me to the bed.
"Ow." I can't turn my neck.
"Cloud…are you okay?"
"Yeah." Ow. Little pains suck ass.
She smiles. "Good… at least your poison oak has cleared up…but this house is a mess."
"Welcome home."
She kisses my cheek, grinning. "It's okay. I expected no less. I'd feel pretty useless if you could keep everything in order."
"Who is Julia?"
Tifa frowns, blinking. "She lives across the street."
"She gossips."
Tifa nods.
"She thinks you've had children."
Tifa nods again. "She thinks Denzel is our illegitimate love child that we had when we were teenagers, and are just now getting married. She thinks Marlene is yours and Aeris' child, and that you have issues because she left you."
"Are you serious?" I totally didn't get that. Wow.
I…
Wow… My mind can't process that.
"Yeah… I've stopped trying to straighten it out."
"I think she should shut her trap."
"Be nice, Cloud… thank you for the flowers, by the way."
"Oh…right…"
"You did one thing right while I was away… buying chocolate is always the answer…and a big stuffed animal always helps too."
Nice improvisation, Denzel.
She sighs, pressing her forehead up against mine. "One month, Cloud."
"Yeah…" At least I'm not freaking out like the last time I heard that. "By the way… I'm going to need a new wardrobe."
"I told you to stay away from the washing machine."
A/N: OMG OMG I LIVE! I've surfaced from beneath the depths of school work and work, and moving and other crap, and I emerge to write! There are so many nice people on this website XD there are annoying people too, but I take those with the nice people and accept them for who they are. I thank you, reviewers, readers etc. for being so patient with me. End of school stress is a beast, don't cha think? I don't think this chapter is quite up to my standards, but it really has been tooooo long since I updated this. I need to get back in the Cloud Zone. BTW I do know when this story is going to end, and yes, the wedding is in a month (roughly) not like, a literal month, but you get the idea. So, I'm debating on whether or not to warn you guys when this story is going to end. I could be nice, or I could be mean (MUHAHAHA) but I haven't decided yet. It'll be a while, though, and I've got an AWESOME ending planned.
Till next time, loves! Thanks for the reviews (Broke 1400, DAMN YOU GUYS ROCK)