The Bachelor Party

Tifa sits at her vanity, putting her earrings on.

I sulk sitting on the bed, watching her. She looks up, catching my eyes in the mirror, and turns to look at me.

She raises her eyebrows. "What's wrong?"

I sigh, looking away.

She narrows her eyes, and then a smile spreads slowly across her face. "I know what it is..." She stands slowly, walking slinkily over, her little black dress riding up on her hips deliciously. She wraps her arms around my stiff shoulders. "You're mad because I'm kicking you out."

I grumble something inaudible, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say.

"Cloud, come on!" Tifa releases me, leaning back. She brushes a few stray hairs from my face. "You'll have a great time tonight, I promise. Barret, and Cid worked so hard to plan this party for you! Not to mention, I want to enjoy mine, too, and I can't do that if I'm worrying about you. Just try to have a good time."

That's not it.

"I'm not worried about Cid or Barret."

Tifa looks relieved. "Good. Every other man is pumped for their Bachelor party... I'd be kind of worried if you weren't. But, if that's not it...then what is it? I mean, if anything I should be upset because you guys are going to a rival bar to celebrate."

That's only because you ladies are kicking us out.

"Hey. Yuffie was the one who planned mine... not me. I still don't know what the night holds, ok?"

"Then why are you dressed up?"

"Because Yuffie told me to. You know her...she's unpredictable."

Yeah, well, she better not have hired any strippers.

She wouldn't...right?

"So if it isn't the actual party, what is it?"

Are you kidding me? Really? You know what it is! You just don't want to admit it!

"I mean, I know Yuffie helped Barret and Cid with the party, are you worried she like planned some ridiculous outing? Sure, she's crazy but she's not–

She cuts off, realization dawning on her face. "Oh. She invited Reno, didn't she?"

"She invited Tseng, Rude, and Rufus, too."

"Ooooh. That's why you're mad."

Duh.

"Oh. Well, if it makes you feel any better she invited Elena to mine."

"She's a bridesmaid." I don't know how I'm controlling my voice right now.

"Yeah, but..." She looks away, defeated. "You don't even know if they'll show up!"

"I don't have to." It's bad enough she invited them.

Tifa looks up at me slowly. "Is that all you can think about, though?"

Oh...now I've pissed her off.

"Of course not."

She stands excitedly then. "Listen. After tonight it's going to get serious, so you might as well enjoy it while you can."

"You'll be a slave driver, won't you?"

Tifa frowns. "I didn't mean that... it's just... well, I won't see you until we get to Cosmo Canyon, and then there will be so much to get ready and set up! It's happening Cloud..." She smiles, and I can tell she's doing everything not to cry. "We're getting married."

I grab her hand, squeezing it. "Yeah. We are."

She smiles sweetly, and I lean in to kiss her.

BANG!

"Alright! I'm freaking tired of waiting! You're late Cloud! Tifa!"

Our heads snap apart, and I have time to catch Yuffie sliding across the door.

Tifa looks up, startled. "Yuffie! Come on, give us one more minute!"

Yeah, we were about to hit a great make out session fueled by deep feelings of love.

And lust.

Woo.

And you ruined it! You always ruin it!

"Yeah," Yuffie scoffs. "I can see you two were real busy." Yuffie reaches down, grabbing Tifa's arm and towing her away from me.

"Hey!" Bring her back! She's mine!

I stand quickly, following as Yuffie tugs my bride to be down the steps.

As they reach the bar, I see a gathering of women I recognize and don't recognize. I freeze, like a deer caught in headlights. This is not happy territory for me.

"Oh good, you followed like a good boy." Yuffie looks at me, putting a hand on her hip.

That was rude. "Listen–

"Shut up!" Yuffie pushes me towards the door, poking my sides. "Go! Go!"

"But we were–

Yuffie glares at me gravely. "You'll have plenty of time for making out when you're married." She lifts up her leg inhumanly high, and plants her giant foot on my chest. "Now OUT!" She kicks me out the front door. I sprawl backwards, stumbling out onto the street. Yuffie slams the door shut.

I just got kicked out of my own house.

Nice. Real nice.

I sigh, slowly heading for the garage and climb onto Fenrir. I guess I am late, but... there are more important things to me than my bachelor party. I'm worried, especially if Yuffie had a hand in both mine and Tifa's party. Who knows what to expect?

I start Fenrir up, drowning out the girlish laughter coming from the bar, and ease my way out of the garage. By the end of this week, I will be married.

WOW.

I shiver... it shouldn't be that big of a deal... I mean, Tifa and I almost act like a married couple now. Well, I guess. I don't really know many married people other than Cid and Shera, and I sure as hell hope I don't act like Cid. The only other people I know would be some people I deliver to, but people are all the same, and all put up these images that the picture perfect family would be. There are a few families where chaos is usually prevalent. Those are usually the one with the children.

I know that chaos to an extent, with Marlene and Denzel... but some of these families have kids that are like three or two.

It's a chaos that scares the living daylights out of me, but one that I think I'll be happy to see.

Marriage and love do strange things to people's minds.

I'm going to get married.

Holy crap! A bachelor party is definitely within need! I need to drink myself into a stupor, a great enough of a stupor that will make me forget that the Turks are there.

And Rufus.

Shit.

The bar that we're going to is only about 100 blocks away, or five miles. But still, I don't want to walk a mile let alone five. I'm not in the mood. Plus if Yuffie doesn't hear me leave, she might come out here to chase me away. She wouldn't put it pass me to skip my own bachelor party because of the guests.

I arrive in about five minutes because of retarded traffic lights. The bar seems pretty quiet; it is a Monday night. Cid, Barret, Vincent, Nanaki, Rude, and even freaking RUFUS is sitting around a few tables. They're already drinking, and I think if they were all sober they wouldn't be having as hardy of conversation that they are right now.

Cid is sputtering to Rude about something, and then they all laugh.

I can't do this. I'm not the normal guy that begs for strippers (have you seen my fiancé? She's HOT) or mass quantities of alcohol ( I really don't want the Turks to know I'm a bit of a lightweight). That, plus the fact that I'm just not a social guy, really. Oh well.

I'll get through this night, and I'll have a good time, for Tifa's sake.

Cid laughs when he spots me walking sulkily towards them. "Hey! Bartender! Another round of shots!"

Vincent gives me a withering look; I'm sure his social ability has been put to an ultimate strain already. But he's here for me, so I appreciate that.

Barret grins shakily, shoving a shot glass into my hand. "Drink up, pretty boy. Tonight you drink as a single man. It's your last night as one."

I'm not single... I'm getting married. I shrug, though, and tip the shot back into my mouth.

"Hey there Spike-O!" A hand slaps into my back, and I choke on the burning liquid. I cough, spurting up the shot, and my nose burns. I think I lost some nose hair.

I turn around, my eyes watering from the burning sensation.

Reno grins cheekily. "What's wrong? Getting emotional about your impending marriage? I'm sure it's a very touching moment for you."

I wipe my eyes furiously, and glare at him. My fist comes up reflexively, and I swing it forward.

Someone catches my wrist and Cid grins. "That's no way to start a party! Come on, Cloud! The night is young! Drink up!"

Cid gives me another shot, and I glance at Reno warily as I take it smoothly this time. Reno just grins back at me.

Barret looks at me seriously, his eyes bloodshot, and shakes a finger at me. "Getting married is serious business, ya' here?"

"Yes." I think we've only had this conversation like, a million times.

"You know, when I got married...times were different. We were living in a suppressed world."

Rufus coughs into his hand.

Barret glares at him. "I know yo' punk ass is there. You can't deny it though."

Cid groans. "Hey...hey. Let's not get political! This is supposed to be a celebration!"

"Or a condemning." Reno smiles wickedly over a glass. I glare at him, but he ignores me. "How long have you guys been drinking, anyway? Barret looks like he's about to collapse."

Cid shrugs. "Dunno. We got here early, and your punk ass was late. So was his" Cid points at me.

"How can you be late for your own bachelor party, really?" Reno asks. "We've got some great stuff planned for you. Me and Yuffie took care of it... it'll be a great night."

I roll my eyes. I'm sure.

Barret glances at me. "You two need to catch up. Even Rufus has had more to drink than your pansy ass."

Reno grins. "I got a good game... chandeliers. Everybody grab a glass and something strong. It's going to be a long night. Nanaki, you playing?"

Nanaki stares at him. "Does it involve lifting glasses."

"Well, ya gotta chug."

"I don't have apposable thumbs. Get me a bowl."

"Hells yah!"

Reno puts us through a game that involves chugging...not one of my fortes. Not to mention he's making us chug screwdrivers which seems a little extreme. I mean screwdrivers are made for taste. Why chug them? Why dilute the alcohol?

Yes...my personality tweaks with the addition of alcohol, like every other person!

"So...so then Yuffie says... 'Well, by that time I had managed to dislodge the-the cactus from his butt, but then he was really screaming so I– so I–

Reno snorts, gasping for air. "So I punched him on the nose and told him to quit his bitching!"

Barret roars with laughter, and Cid has tears in his eyes, and he bangs the table, making the glasses rattle. I snort, trying to keep the high pitch giggle quiet. If they ever heard that, then none of them would let me forget it.

"What about you, Barret? Did your wife ever do anything crazy?" Cid asks, leaning forward.

"Of course... she married me didn't she?!"

The group busts into laughter again. It isn't that funny, but were beyond tipsy at this point. Anything will be remotely entertaining.

I don't think even Reno can piss me off at this point.

Reno sighs, looking at his watch. "Man... where the hell is she?"

Cid waggles his eyebrows. "Who fire crotch?"

Reno chucks an empty beer bottle at him, and Cid cackles.

Barret stares at him with watery eyes. "You... you cheatin' on Yuffie?"

Rufus grins, elbowing Rude with a knowing look. "There's now ay Reno could ever cheat on Yuffie. He's in love."

Reno punches his boss on the shoulder. "Shut up! No! I'm not cheatin on Yuffie, but I do appreciate the differing eye candy that women's bodies can vary."

"What?" Half the table asks.

"I like look at women." Reno glares at us. "And I ordered you a stripper. She should've been here–

"Whoa! Stop. Go back." Reno glances at me. "You ordered me a stripper? What made you think I wanted a stripper?"

Reno chuckles. "Big boy, you're gettin married. This is the last woman you technically should see naked. I'm not saying Tifa's ugly, she's anything but– calm down! I'm not hitting on her! It's just, a true man can appreciate the many forms a woman's body can come in."

"Still!" I didn't want a stripper! There's only one woman I want to see strip!

"Listen." I stand up violently, my legs wobbling. Cid chuckles.

"No, you listen." Reno stands too. "You'll thank me later, just like Tifa will thank Yuffie."

Barret frowns, his brow wrinkling. "Why would Tifa thank Yuffie because you got Cloud a stripper?"

"Yeah? Why would she?" Cid leans on his elbows.

My hands start to shake, and I point at Reno. "You... you didn't."

Reno grins. "I didn't. Yuffie did. I just gave her the number to the place I used. Quality people."

"You asshole! You're girlfriend ordered my fiancé a stripper?!"

"Come on... calm down Cloud. You're getting one!"

"I...don't...want...one," I say through gritted teeth. I pick up a full whisky bottle, take a quick swig from it and point at Reno. "You."

"Me?"

"You're coming with me and fixing this."

"You can't go there! Yuffie will kill you! She'll kill me!"

"Don't you care that your girlfriend has a stripper?!"

Reno shrugs, infuriating me. "Hey. She doesn't care that we got one, am I right fellas?" Reno chuckles.

That's when I grab him by the shirt collar and start to haul him across the bar floor. "Hey! Lemme go!"

"No. You're comin with me."

"Hold on."

I stop, jerking around, and swaying. Vincent's standing up.

"You... cannot stop me."

Vincent nods his head. "I know. But you aren't driving. Hand me your keys."

I frown, pressing my lips together tightly. But I dig around in my pockets, tossing him the keys to Fenrir.

I sniff. "It's not like I was going to let this asshole ride Fenrir. Take care of him, Vince."

Vincent nods his head, pocketing the keys.

I drag Reno outside, and we stumble out into the cold air.

Reno grumbles as we start down the street. "Five miles you asshole. Five fucking miles. Can't let her have fun can you?"

I push him into a wall.

"Can't keep your nose out of my business, can you?"

"Hey. Yuffie's my girlfriend."

"That was your poor decision making. Tifa is my fiancé. You caused this problem, you're helping me fix it."

Asshole.

A/N: :D This ought to be an interesting five miles... dont cha think? Prepare for some friggin laughs next chappie. So sorry for the late update, but I really do appreciate all the reviews. 1515?! You guys are so awesome. Also, thanks to Iskra Revoir for helping me decide where to marry these two off. That was delaying this chapter. BLAME MY INDECISION!

Till next time, loves!