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CHAPTER XIX

Middle of the mess

"Please tell me this is the last of it?" Gillian grunted as she dropped the box she was holding to the floor. "I can't believe you've got so much shit. Maybe we should have gone for a three bedroom." She concluded before letting herself slide on the couch.

They were standing in the living room of their brand new two bedroom apartment in an up and coming part of Seattle. The place had clearly seen better days, the kitchen was probably at least fifteen years old, both bathrooms had leaks and they lived two floors above The Playground, one of Seattle busiest bars which, most nights, meant random drunks hanging around their doorway. But as soon as they had seen it, they had barely hesitated. The whole place needed sprucing up, but it one of the only place they could afford in a nice part of the city so in the end they had agreed to the extortion the landlord called rent and started packing.

Ella rolled her eyes with a laugh. "I've got a couple of things left at the ranch. Ray is taking them to the clubhouse. I'll pick them up tomorrow night."

Gillian shifted on the couch putting her feet under her ass. "I'm sorry I can't make it to Pete's memorial tomorrow. Saturday night is a big night at the parlor and I just started…"

It had been more than a month since Pete's death but the club had been busy and they hadn't managed to organize his memorial until now. They didn't want something half-arsed so Ray had decided to push it out. Dorothy and Marie had been put in charge and Ella knew it would be a big gathering. Hopefully big enough so she would be able to avoid a certain biker.

"I already told you, don't worry about it. I'll be fine. Besides Jax is coming up with his club this time so he'll keep me company."

"Oh, yes Jackson Teller, the little prince of SAMCRO." she teased. "Look at you surrounded by hot blond bikers! Speaking of the which, have you heard from loverboy lately?"

"No. Not since Charming. Not that I expected to anyway. He's made himself pretty clear on where he stood." She walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge to take out two beers. "It's all for the best anyway. Nevermind, that he is a Son, I'm here now, and he is in Tacoma." She added handing Gillian a bottle as she opened hers.

"Yeah a whole thirty seven minutes away." Her friend mocked as she took a big swig from the cold drink before she continued. "That's how long it takes from here to the range. I googled it. "

"You got way too much time on your hands." She scolded playfully.

Gillian giggled softly. "I know."

Ella took a seat in the armrest of the couch sipping her beer in silence. As she played with the label of the bottle, she sighed. "If it was supposed to happen, don't you think it would probably have happened by now? I mean, it shouldn't be this hard, Gillian."

"You're still thinking like this is some guy you met in a bar. He is an MC member, Elles. A Son of Anarchy. I'd be worried if things weren't complicated."

"I have done everything but throw myself at him naked and he just shoved me away like some sweet butt he was done toying with. I am done humiliating myself."

Gillian laughed and Ella felt herself getting annoyed. Her friend always knew just how to push her buttons. Ella loved her to bits but she really had no boundaries.

"This isn't funny!"

"No, you're right, it's not. You're so into this guy, it's not even funny."

"I'm not… it doesn't matter what I am. With everything, I just… it would just have been the worst idea, really. It's time to move on."

Refusing to let herself be dragged further into this conversation, she stood up and headed to her bedroom. Today was a new beginning. It was time to move forward. No looking back. She'd done enough of that lately. She kneeled to the floor and started to remove the tape from one of the dozens of boxes waiting for her on the floor when she heard Gillian come up behind her.

"What are you doing?"

"It's called unpacking, Gill. Maybe you should try it." Gillian had been in the apartment for almost three weeks but her boxes were still mostly untouched.

Gillian practically leapt into the room "Oh, hell, no! This is your first night here and we happen to live above one of the hottest bars in Seattle there is no way we're unpacking tonight. Tonight my friend, you and I are going out." She ordered as she pulled Ella back to her feet.

"Gill', I don't really feel like going out."

"Do you remember us in school? How many times we talked about this? Getting a place together? All the bad shit we were going to get into? And now we're actually doing it."

"I know, I just…"

"Blah, blah, blah, that's all I'm hearing right now. Tonight you and I are going out. No questions. Get your moving on plan in motion. Now get ready, we're leaving in 10. Chop Chop!"

Kozik rolled onto his back with a sigh as he tried to catch his breath. Joan rolled to her side, letting her fingers linger on his chest, absent mindedly tracing his tattoos. "We're getting really good at this, you know."

He grinned at her as he reached over to his bedside table to grab a smoke. He had been seeing her quite a lot in the last few weeks. After his conversation with Ella in Charming, he had done whatever he could to stop thinking about the petite brunette, doing it the only way he knew how. He had buried himself in pussy. But there was only so much sweet butt he could take. So he'd dropped by Joan's agency one night and he had ended up in her bed. He liked Joan. He wasn't sure what a woman like her was doing sleeping her way through a biker's club but contrary to the sweet butts that haunted the clubhouse she could hold a fuckin' conversation and best of all she didn't have any expectations. Not to mention that for a woman in her mid- forties, she had a killer body to boot. She had been a very welcome distraction after what went down between him and Ella.

Still naked, she sat up, resting on her heels, giving Kozik a delighting view of her rack. "You okay sweetheart?" she asked with a sly smile

"You know me Joan. I'm always good."

She bent over kissing his muscular tattooed chest, slowly making her way up and taking the cigarette from his mouth. After stealing a drag, she returned it to his lips.

"I should get going. Got an early one tomorrow."

He exhaled loudly. "You don't have to go. You can stay the night if you want."

She titled her head, her eyes searching his face as if looking for answers. He saw a slow smile creep up on her face and she cupped his face with her hand. "You're sweet, Kozik. But I'm not looking for an old man. And I'm too old to be anyone's warm body."

He opened his mouth to protest but she put her manicured finger on his lips to silence him. "When I spend the night, I like it better when the guy next to me doesn't wish I was somebody else."

He blinked apologetic. "I'm sorry."

She didn't let him finish and bend over replacing her finger with her lips as she planted a soft kiss on him softly before pulling away. "Don't apologise. I was young and in love too once."

He sat up, crushing his cigarette in the ashtray near him. He wasn't sure why but he wanted to know more. "What happened?"

"I married him." She responded with a grin that somehow made her look sad.

"You've been married?" he mouthed unable to hide the surprise in his voice.

"Surprised?"

"Well, yeah. Didn't think you were the settling down type."

She threw her hair back. "He… he died about two years after we got married. Car accident. It took me a long time to make peace with that. When I married him, I never thought I'd ever have to live life without him. And when he died, well I guess, I got lost for a while. Somedays, I think I'm still trying to find my way back.

Kozik thought about it for a moment, trying to reconcile this history with the fun loving and carefree woman he had thought Joan was. "You ever regret it? Marrying him."

"Not even for one minute." She voiced with conviction. "When you meet the one person that makes your world turn, you never look back. But I guess that's just the romantic in me. "she concluded with a smile. "I should go. I'll see you at Pete's memorial tomorrow."

"You're coming?"

"Pete was a good man. I want to pay my respects." She smiled one last time before getting out of the bed and putting her clothes on. As she slid into her shoes, she glanced back at him. "Goodnight Kozik."

Kozik was impressed by the turn out at Pete's memorial. The club was here in its entirety, old ladies and kids included. Other charters had made the trip to Washington including the Charming crew. But what impressed him more was the number of civilians who kept dropping by to pay their respects. They had even seen a few local cops show up earlier. Kozik wasn't really surprised; he knew that Pete had been loved. The man had no family of his own, but he had marked people's lives in and outside the club.

Kozik's mind went back to his last conversation with Pete. Hurt her in any way, though, I'm coming after you brother. He had made a silent promise to him then that he wouldn't and yet he knew he'd done just that, in Charming. But hurting her had been necessary, even though it had left him feeling like an asshole for days afterwards.

He'd gotten hammered that night but it hadn't been enough to dull down the anger he felt. Since the day he'd walked into Teller Morrow auto shop newly sober with Tig seven years ago, he had done everything that was expected of him, no questions asked. He had never wanted nor needed to question the club. He had done what needed to be done every time. He found it cruelly ironic that it was both the club that brought Ella into his life and the club that took her away.

Gemma had been right though; her words kept ringing into his ears long after she'd left the dorm. He couldn't be the kind of man Ella deserved and be the Sons of Anarchy Tacoma Sergeant At Arms. It just didn't work.

Kozik knew Ella would be here today; she wouldn't miss Pete's memorial regardless of her feelings for the club or for him for that matter. That's why he found himself searching the crowd instinctively looking for her and kicking himself for it. He really had to stop this shit but it was clearly easier said than done.

He hadn't seen her since they'd left Charming a little over a month ago. She hadn't been by the range; he wasn't sure if that was to avoid him or the club altogether. He had heard through Ray that she had found a job in some bar and was moving to Seattle with her crazy tattooist friend. It was probably for the best. A good opportunity for her to move on with her life, away from all the shit they seem to bring with them. It would be good for him too. Nothing worse than something you want but can't have hitting you in the face on a daily basis.

Ella parked her car on the range's lot but her hands remained gripped on the steering wheel as she tried to steady them. The last time she had been there was the day she'd almost been killed by Ortega. If it hadn't been for Kozik following her then, she'd most probably be dead. It was hard to believe so many things had changed since that day. He was barely more than a stranger that kept finding his way into her life then. Now he was…so much more than that.

Despite her protests, her conversation with Gillian had made her think. In fact, she'd pretty much spent the whole night thinking about him, unable to find any rest. Her friend was right, she was clearly still very much into him. But there was nothing she could do about that. He knew where she stood. Next move was his.

The newly promoted SAA wasn't the only reason she found it so difficult to get out of her car. Pete had always been a permanent fixture in the range ever since she was a little girl. She'd never spent much time there, but when she did, it had usually been with him. Now, she had to walk tall and go pay her respects to the man and although it had been a month since his death, she wasn't sure she could. She knew he had to try though. For Pete. She finally turned off the ignition and walked out of her car, making her way towards the clubhouse.

It was absolutely packed with people she'd never even seen. She looked around trying to locate a familiar face or two when she noticed him. All pride and confidence, captivating his audience with some story. He ran a hand in his blond hair as she approached him from behind. "Hey Teller."

He turned around sporting his signature wolf grin. "Hey Darlin'." he greeted as he pulled her into the obligatory hug.

She returned his smile and nodded towards his cut. "I guess congratulations are in order."

"Two weeks as a patch. You should have seen that patch party. It was insane." He sang out.

A chuckle escaped her. "I bet it was."

"You want a beer?"

"Sure."

"Hey prospect! Get me and the lady a beer." He barked in the direction of a prospect from Rogue River.

"Bet you just love doing that."

"You have no idea, babe." He gloated.

The prospect suddenly materialized by their side, holding out two beers. "Now get lost." Jax ordered as Ella rolled her eyes to the power play she just witnessed. He met her glare with a smile and they sipped their beer in relative silence until he suddenly got serious. "So how are you holding up with all this shit?"

"I'm good. Or at least I'm getting there. Finally moved in. I can't wait to start the new job. It's a sucky job but it'll pay the bills until I figure some shit out, you know."

"I'm glad. Maybe one of these days I can come and visit." he suggested. Feeling observed, he darted his eyes towards the crowd before looking back at her, the devilish smile back in motion. "I think we have an audience. I should probably be careful before he challenges me to a fist fight or something." He chuckled.

Ella shook her head. "Oh, I really doubt that. He seems to think I'm better off with you. The prince and the princess, or some bullshit like that." She snickered. She still couldn't believe Kozik had had the audacity to suggest she hook up with Jax.

The newly patched man nearly chocked on his beer. "You and me? Nah, I'm afraid I prefer my girls low maintenance."

"Meaning easy and influenceable." She simply stated in retort.

"Exactly. No offense."

She raised her hands to stop him. "None taken, trust me."

"You do know he acts like a dick because he cares right? It's a guy thing."

It was her turn to cackle. "You don't think there's anything wrong with that statement? "

"Like I said, it's a guy thing." He shrugged innocently and then the devilish grin crept up his face again. "Hey, you want to give him a run for his money?"

Kozik clenched his fists as he felt anger brewing simply watching Jax wrap his arm around Ella's back, grinning flirtatiously at her. Even though he had been the one to suggest the pairing, seeing it unfold in front of him was not how he expected this evening to go. He could pretend like he didn't give a shit but he couldn't lie to himself. He also knew of Jax's reputation as a ladies man and a sweet talker and yet he had pushed Ella straight into his arms. She could handle herself as he had experienced first hand but that knowledge did not make him feel any better.

When he'd seen her come in earlier, she'd taken his breath away. She was wearing a dark blue dress which sat on her body as if it had been made for her. The shoulders were covered with black lace which followed down to the neckline, flattering her small chest and matched her high heels. The skirt flowed out right above her knees showing her toned legs. She had let her jet black hair down in waves adorning her olive skinned face. The way she biting her lip and shifting uncomfortably under some of those assholes' stares told him she had no idea how beautiful she looked and that sure as hell wasn't helping his resolve to stay clear of her.

She looked up and met his gaze for a second before he turned away unable to face her. As he did, he spotted Joan walking into the clubhouse. When she saw him, she broke into a wide smile and came to him.

"Hey handsome." She said pulling him into a hug.

He couldn't help but glance back at Ella who hadn't missed a bit and was staring at them with a stony expression.

"I can't believe how many people are here."

Kozik teared his attention away from Ella and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, it's been like that for the past few hours. Come on, let's get you a drink."

They practically had to fight their way to the bar where they were met by a smiling Bobby Elvis. "Hey Kozik."

"Hey Bobby. This is Joan, a good friend of the club."

"Hi Bobby, it's nice to meet you."

"Pleasure is mine lovely. What can I get you?"

"A bourbon. Dry please."

Bobby flashed her a smile. "Now that's my kind of girl."

Ella had been there for over two hours and she was antsy to get home. There was nothing about Pete in here. It was just a glorified party where people dressed well and told stories as they got drunk. It wasn't about him. It wasn't the way she wanted to remember him and it wasn't the way she wanted to say goodbye.

Not to mention that she had had to deal with Kozik rubbing that woman in her face all night and she had had just about enough of that. There was no doubt in her mind that they were sleeping together. Ella hated to admit it but the woman was stunning. She was older than him, probably in her late thirties, early forties, with a body that had everything where it mattered and the confidence of a woman of experience. She was dressed in a sophisticated tight fitting dress accessorized with heels Ella knew to be very expensive and made her legs look a mile long. She looked so… normal. She sure as hell was no sweet butt and that angered Ella even more than the prospect of him with another woman. She could just about handle the idea of him sleeping around with the sad women that clung onto this place like chewing gum on a shoe sole, because she knew it was just about sex and nothing else. But the idea that she was the one he spent his nights with hit her like a slap in the face. Yeah, she needed to get home.

She went in search of her father who she had yet to see since she'd arrived. As she reached the chapel doors, she knocked softly. A few seconds later, she she heard his muffled voice inside and let herself in. Ray was sitting on his seat at the far end of the table. He was slowly making his way through a bottle of whiskey, his favorite, whilst smoking what seemed to be his hundredth cigarette of the day. He looked tired. She hadn't seen him in a week and he looked like he'd aged since then. She knew he had taken Pete's death very hard. Despite their differences, she knew they had been friends a long time, and Pete's death merely days after Nell's death was terribly difficult. She just didn't think it would be hard on him. She took a few step towards him, throwing an apologetic look at him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."

"It's okay."

"What are you doing alone in here, dad?"

"Just thinking through some shit." He didn't sound like himself. He looked different, the wariness in his eyes reflecting a certain vulnerability she wasn't used to seeing in her father. "Ella, I...I want you to know, there's a lot of thing I would do differently if I had the chance. Your mum, Pete, the things I did…"

She wasn't sure why but she was tired of dredging up the past. She knew all about her father's ways. She knew all too well the hurt he'd caused. He had made mistakes. But Pete had made mistakes too, hell her mother had made those very same mistakes. Ella was tired of feeling like she was stuck between the choices they all made in the past. She had had enough of being angry all the time. She needed closure. She needed to stop hating him if she wanted move forward. At the end of the day, he was the only family she had left. "Dad, stop…I don't want to talk about the past anymore. I want us to move on."

He met her eyes and cupped her face in his hands. Ella almost jerked her head back. She wasn't used to tenderness from him. She guessed a bottle of Jamieson was as good as anything to soften an old bastard like Ray. But since it was all about moving on, she didn't shy away from his hand. Instead she closed hers on his and they remained still for a long moment.

"I have to get back soon."

"I have your boxes in the storage room. I'll have one of the prospects take them to your car."

"Thank you." She stood up and looked back at him. "Take care dad."

He smiled sadly at her before pouring himself another drink as she exited quietly. She closed the door behind her and exhaled deeply. She knew how to say goodbye to Pete and she could only do that in the range.

A short few minutes later, Ella was gripping a 9MM that her godfather had given her for her eighteenth birthday and she stored in a locker on the range. She focused on her target and fired. The recoil almost took her by surprise. It had been so long since she'd exercised that she'd almost forgotten about it. She took aim again and fired a whole round before pressing a switch that mechanically slid her target to her. Pete had been an excellent shooter but he had also been an excellent teacher. She was glad to see she didn't lose all of it, she thought as she looked at the target. Three bullets within the target and one outside but still visible. Out of six, that wasn't half bad.

"Remind me never to piss you off."

Despite everything that had happened between them, she couldn't help a smile as she recognized his voice behind her. "Too late." She answered shortly as she removed the clip and put both parts back onto the counter. She slowly turned around. "Anyone ever tell you not to sneak up on an angry woman who's packing heat?"

"I'll have to remember that." He smiled before adding "What are you doing out here on your own?"

She met his gaze with a smile. "Reminiscing. You know Pete was the one who taught me how to use a gun? He said in life, you could either wait to be saved or save your own life and that he wanted me to be the kind of woman who could hold her own."

"He was a smart man."

She nodded. "Yes, he was."

"He did good. You can definitely hold your own."

"I don't know about that. I think I remember you having to save my life not so long ago." She looked down at her hands, embarrassed by the question that was burning her lips. "Who is she?"

"A friend."

She let out a sad chuckle. "You sleep with all your friends, Kozik?"She hadn't meant it as an accusation, but it hurt to see him with someone else.

"I can't have that conversation, Ella."

"Then what are you doing here Kozik?" she snapped. "Why are you here with me instead of being with your friend?"

"I wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn't see you and…"

"You were wondering if I ended up in some dark corner with Jax Teller?" she interrupted. "There's nothing going on with Jax and there isn't going to be Kozik."

"I didn't ask."

"I know. But I still wanted to make it clear."

He ran his hand in his hair, showing his frustration "What do you want from me Ella? I got nothing to offer you. Nothing! I'm an ex-junkie outlaw with a rap sheet the size of my arm. The club? It's all I am. It's all I'll ever be!"

"I know." She simply replied

He raised sad eyes at her. "I see the way you look at Ray, Ella, the way you looked at Pete when we left Tacoma and I know that eventually I'm just going to disappoint you too, same way they did. You deserve better than some guy who's always going to let you down."

"Do I even get a say in this? What about what I want?"

He didn't reply straight away but when he did, his tone was definitive. "You're making it happen for yourself Ella. Moving to Seattle, getting out of this shit, it's the right call. Go. Meet a normal guy who'll give you what you want."

"You know, normal is overrated."

He chuckled but didn't respond.

"It's thirty seven minutes."

"What?"

"The drive from my place to the range. It's thirty seven minutes. That's how far from home I'm making it happen."

"You should go, Ella." He whispered before he walked away.

After composing herself ,Ella followed, walking back into the clubhouse. The crowd had somehow thinned and she spotted him straight away, his hand resting nonchalantly on that woman's shoulder.

She watched as Kozik whispered a few words in her ear and after considering what he said she just nodded and they left, Kozik hand's finding its way to the small of her back.

Joan took out her keys as Kozik dismounted his bike and walked her to the stairs of her porch. She turned to him with a knowing smile. "You're not coming in, are you?"

He buried his hands in his pocket. "I'm sorry Darlin'."

"It's okay." She reassured him, placing a hand on his arm. "I didn't think you would." She paused for a moment wondering if she should continue. "She's very pretty Kozik."

He sighted loudly."Shit. Am I really that fucking obvious?"

That made her laugh. "Well, I have an unfair advantage. I am a woman. We sense those things. Plus I was kind of paying attention. But if it makes you feel any better, I think I was the only one who did. Do you mind if I ask what you're not with her right now?"

He liked Joan. She was hot. She was kind and good natured and she was a firecracker in bed. She was easy to be with. His life would be so much simpler if he could just fall for her. But he couldn't. "It's complicated."

"Maybe it is. Maybe it's not and you just make it complicated. Keep it simple Kozik, trust me. Life's too short to have any regrets." She craned her neck to lay a soft kiss on his lips before stepping onto the stairs.

"Joan?"

She turned around and he nodded gratefully. "Thanks."

"Like I said. Must be the romantic in me."

If there was ever one thing Ella missed from the ranch, it was her beloved power shower. Despite what some might like to think, she wasn't some prissy little thing, she could rough it up with the best of them when necessary but being unable to take a hot long shower after a night like this was cruel and unusual punishment. She missed the cleanliness of her old bathroom too. Despite scrubbing this one from floor to ceiling in a frenzy to rival any OCD, she still found the place dirty. Maybe she was being a prissy princess after all.

After leaving Pete's memorial, it had started raining and by the time she reached her neighborhood, it was pouring down. It had taken her more than half an hour to find a parking space, two blocks from her flat, and when she did she was seriously considering staying in the car until the rain eased up. But she was living in Washington and the rain could last hours. So in the end, Ella had had to leave her boxes behind and brave the rain. She had run home as fast as she could considering she was still wearing her high heels. By the time she'd reached the apartment, she was soaked and the only thing she wanted was a steaming shower. So when the shower refused to cooperate and the best she could get was lukewarm water and practically no pressure, her night had gone from crappy to real shitty in an instant.

Ella slid on her pajama bottoms and camisole topping it with a knitted cardigan to fend off the cold before unwrapping the towel around her hair and brushing it. When she was done, she made a loose braid and after applying moisturizer to her face and hands, she checked out the time on her phone. It was almost midnight. Knowing her, Gillian wouldn't be home for several more hours if at all. Her after work parties tended to last more than your average ones. She decided the best course of action was to get between the sheets and get some sleep.

She headed back into the living room to turn off the lights when she heard a loud knock on the door and froze. She knew it couldn't be Gillian , she was still at work. Besides, she had her keys. Aside from her father and Jax after she gave him her address tonight, no one knew where she lived. At least, not as far as she knew and considering the hour, it was doubtful that it would be a neighbor in sudden need of sugar.

"Who is this?"

"It's me. Kozik."

Yeah, I know I'm leaving you hanging, but to my defense the chapter would have gotten too long and I did not want to cut through the next chapter but although I debated it, I did let you know who was at the door so that's got to count for something!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, we're heading down the last arc of this story (finally), we should be done by chapter 30. For those who've been reading this story from the beginning, thanks ever so much for sticking with me even after the story went on hiatus for a while for the others, thanks for joining and I hope you're enjoying the ride.

Please do leave me a quick note if you feel so inclined, they do motivate and delight me in equal measures. I am just a writer trying to get better and I am always looking for feedback so please know those mean a lot to me.