Although it was still early in the day, Surfrider Beach and the Malibu Pier were already crowded, and Jarvis found himself almost overloaded with new sensory input. All around him were things he'd experienced before only via images from television and internet. The sun was brilliant both in the sky and where it glittered on the ocean, warm on Jarvis' face and glaring into his eyes in a way that pixels just couldn't simulate. There was a cacophony of sound: vehicle engines, music, waves breaking and gulls croaking, the strange new roar of the breeze in his ears, and of course the holidaymakers talking and shouting. Curiously, Jarvis found that he was unable to pick individual conversations out of the hubbub: instead, the voices all ran together into one steady background hum that was identifiable as human speech, but not intelligible as words and meaning.
"Here we are, gentlemen!" said Mr. Stark, as he shut the engine off. "Let's hit the waves!" He opened the Land Rover's door and swung himself out, and Jarvis noticed another thing that he really should have paid more attention to.
"Your arm appears to be much better today, Sir," he observed.
Mr. Stark gave it a shake, then kneaded at the shoulder – the scar of his escape from the Ten Rings was still visible. "It wasn't that bad to begin with," he said. "I just wanted to scare Velasquez. Come on, let's go find Rob."
Robert Bolongan taught surfing classes at the Pier: Jarvis was aware of him, but since Mr. Bolongan had never been to the house, he could not be said to have actually met him. Mr. Bolongan turned out to be a tall, sturdily-built Polynesian man with bleached-blond hair and a shark's tooth necklace, and he greeted Mr. Stark with a fist bump.
"Tony Stark!" he said. "I haven't seen you in ages – been too busy saving the world?"
"It's not gonna save itself!" Mr. Stark replied. "In fact, I'm on a very important mission right now, and you can help." He grabbed Captain Rogers' arm and dragged him forward. "This is Steve Rogers, Captain America, and he has never been surfing!"
Bolongan shook his head. "We'll have to do something about that," he said. "You a good swimmer, Captain?"
"I can swim if I have to," Captain Rogers replied, looking a little embarrassed, "but I've never actually taken lessons. I had asthma when I was younger..."
"Right," said Bolongan. "Don't you worry, we all spend nine months swimming, your body just needs to be reminded. We'll have you swimming like a fish in no time!" he clapped Captain Rogers on the shoulder.
"Sir," Jarvis said. "I don't know how to swim."
Mr. Stark looked up at Jarvis, frowning. "No... I don't suppose you would," he said. "You know what? Not today. I need you to do something else." He fished his new cell phone out of his pocket and tossed it to Jarvis, who fumbled a bit but managed to keep it from falling in the sand. "That's the number I gave to Pepper and Fury, so if either of them call, come and get me, okay?"
"I think I'd like to learn," Jarvis insisted. Swimming was an idea that could never have been applied to him before yesterday, and hopefully wouldn't apply for very much longer, but in the mean time he was curious what the water would feel like. The shower had been hundreds of tiny, hot droplets pelting him – a shock at first, but nice when he got used to it. What would the ocean be like? Besides, too, there were the unnecessarily mysterious words of Dr. Strange – where Stark is. He didn't want to risk getting too far away.
"No, Jarvis," said Mr. Stark. "Not today."
That was an order, and Jarvis - unlike his creator - knew when to quit. "Of course, Sir."
Jarvis supposed that if he were sitting and waiting for a phone call, he was at least doing something useful – that helped a little, though not terribly much. While the others went to change their clothing and rent surfboards, Jarvis found a place to sit down at the edge of the beach area. There, he pulled his shoes and socks off – of all the clothing humans wore, shoes were by far the most constricting and annoying – and dug his feet experimentally into the sand. It was warm and surprisingly dense, clumping to itself and sticking to his skin. He picked up a handful of it and rubbed it between his fingers, surprised to find that he could almost feel each individual grain brushing over the ridges of his fingerprints.
Dr. Strange had said he thought JARVIS needed a learning experience, but sitting here with a handful of sand, Jarvis wasn't sure if he were learning anything or not. Certainly he was dealing with a lot of unfamiliar input, but none of it could be quantified. There were no numbers he could assign to the texture of sand. A minute ago he hadn't known what it would feel like, and now he did, but if he'd had to encode that information in such a way that it could be sent to another computer, he would have been at a loss. Could such a thing really be called data?
Would he be able to remember what sand felt like after Dr. Strange undid his transformation? Was it possible to remember input from a sense – touch – that he did not have and was not designed to process? Sand, or a hot shower, or the smell of coffee...
Mulling something over had always struck Jarvis as a strange concept. The phrase suggested thinking about something without coming to any conclusions, but that was ridiculous – coming to conclusions was the entire purpose of thinking. He realized, however, that mulling was exactly what he was doing now, thinking about questions without even knowing how to answer them. Apparently, like anthropomorphism and lying, it was just something humans did.
It was about noon when Mr. Stark's cell phone rang.
Jarvis brought up the display. Because the phone was new and cheap, with only a minimum of programming, it showed only the caller's number, but it was a number Jarvis knew. He put the phone to his ear and said, "Hello, Miss Potts."
"JARVIS!" she said, relieved. "Oh, good, he must have gotten the house working again!"
"I'm afraid not, Miss Potts," he said, and realized that he had no idea how much she knew about this turn of events. Mr. Stark had said he was going to tell her, but now that Jarvis couldn't monitor his communications, he had no way to know whether he had actually done so. "Has Mr. Stark explained to you..."
"He told me a story, yeah," Miss Potts interrupted. "What actually... no, never mind," she decided. "I don't care right now. Where is he?"
"Mr. Stark has brought Captain Rogers to the Pier for a surfing lesson." Jarvis could see them from where he was sitting. Mr. Bolongan was talking to Captain Rogers – as near as it was possible to tell, he appeared to be using his hands to demonstrate some basic fluid dynamics.
"Of course he has," she sighed, and there was a soft click. Because he didn't have a direct connection to the phone line, it took Jarvis a moment to realize that she'd disconnected – and then he found it rather annoyed him. Even Mr. Stark always properly excused himself from a conversation. It would not have taken Miss Potts very much longer to say 'goodbye'.
He frowned at the phone. Mr. Stark had asked to be informed if anyone called, but in this particular situation there would be little to tell him: Miss Potts had not been specific about why she was calling. He didn't even have any way to determine where she was calling from, and therefore couldn't predict what she might decide to do about it.
Jarvis shoved the phone back in the pocket of his shorts. Useless again. How he hated feeling useless.
Tony had every faith in Steve's physical ability to learn how to surf. Steve was a goddamn superhero in a far more real sense than Tony could ever be: after some of the stunts he'd pulled, staying upright on a surfboard ought to be no problem. What Tony did doubt was Steve's ability to have a little fun in the process. A man who tried to surf without having fun ended up looking like an idiot.
Rob knew this, too, and after an explanation of how the sport worked he put his hands on Steve's shoulders and said, "now, relax, Captain. Remember, we're here to have fun."
"Why does everybody assume I don't know how to have fun?" Steve grumbled.
"I guess you're just that transparent," said Tony.
They were on their way out into the surf, listening to Rob explain how to spot a good wave, when they heard footsteps splashing towards them. It was Jarvis, clearly finding wading to be a lot more effort than walking. This close to shore the waves had pretty much died out, but he still stumbled every time the ghost of one lapped around his knees.
"Sir!" he said. "Miss Potts is here!"
"What?" asked Tony. "Where?" He looked around. "You mean here here?" He couldn't spot her. "Wait, on the phone this morning, didn't she say something about making an appointment for me?"
"I don't know, Sir," said Jarvis. "I don't have access to your schedule at the moment. I do know, however, that her car just pulled into the parking lot, and I thought you would appreciate if I warned you."
Tony looked up – sure enough, there was Pepper's sleek white Audi. The more he thought about it, the more he was sure she'd wanted him to do something today, but he couldn't for the life of him remember what it was. He groaned as he realized he was about to be backed even further into the doghouse.
"Wait here, guys," he sighed. "This probably isn't going to be pretty." He handed his surfboard to Jarvis, and went to meet her.
Tony could tell Pepper had already spotted him from the moment she climbed out of the car, tall and elegant in her black suit dress. She started towards him, demonstrating in the process her astonishing ability to walk in high heels on any surface: Tony had seen her do it on a grating, he'd seen her run in stilettos on a tile floor, and now she strode out onto the sandy beach without a second thought. How did she do that?
He was brought back to reality by the realization that she hadn't come alone. She was being followed by two men in business suits. Both of them seemed to be having more trouble walking on the soft sand than she was.
Despite his having told them to stay put, Steve, Jarvis, and Rob had all followed Tony back to shore. There was thus an attentive audience for his impending humiliation as Pepper stopped ten feet away and, poised and attractive as ever, looked him coldly in the eye and said, "good afternoon, Mr. Stark."
Tony noticed that one of the men was carrying a leather portfolio with the Disney logo embossed on it. Oh, shit, that was right. He'd agreed to come, hung up the phone, and promptly forgotten entirely. "All right," he told Pepper. "I admit it, I forgot. I've had a lot on my mind the past couple of days..."
"I told you on the phone this morning that we had to meet the representatives from Disney at eleven," said Pepper.
"I know! I know!" he protested. "I do know my own faults, and one of them is that I'm not very good at keeping track of stuff like that. I'm used to JARVIS doing it for me and I'm a little lost without him. I'm going to try to get better about that. Since everybody's here, let's just get the paperwork out of the way..."
"That was the idea," Pepper agreed. She looked back at the two men, and the taller one, a portly African-American with a moustache that belonged on a prime-time cop drama, stepped forward to shake Tony's hand.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Stark," he said. "Jim Greenwood. I'm a great admirer of yours! We all want World Peace, but it's a rare man who's brave enough to take it into his own hands."
"Thanks," said Tony. "Hey, let me introduce my friends." Pepper still hadn't properly 'met' Jarvis, had she? He could take care of that, too. "This is Robert Bolongan, my surfing instructor. And I'm sure you've heard of Steve Rogers – Captain America!"
"Captain America!" Greenwood was delighted. "An honour! Jim Greenwood, I work for the Walt Disney Company's legal department."
"I was in a Disney movie once," said Steve.
Greenwood gave a polite but slightly confused smile in response, then turned to Jarvis. Pepper watched this with a worried expression, and Tony wondered if she recognized Jarvis as the same man she'd seen last night, sleeping on a hotel room sofa with his ass in the air. "And this is..." Tony began, but then drew a blank. What was it he'd decided to call him? It had 'assistant' in it...
"I'm Mr. Stark's Senior Technologies Assistant," said Jarvis, stepping in before it could become obvious that Tony had forgotten. "Edward Jarvis."
"How do you do, Mr. Jarvis," said Greenwood.
Tony grinned and tossed an arm around Jarvis's shoulders. "Wouldn't last a day without him!"
Pepper looked startled, but for the moment she didn't seem inclined to actually say anything: as always, her attitude wasbusiness first. She stood back while Greenwood's companion, a short, thin man in Buddy-Holly-style black-rimmed eyeglasses, stepped forward with the leather portfolio. "Here are the documents, Mr. Stark," he said, holding them out.
Tony balked. "I don't like to be handed things."
"Allow me, Sir." Jarvis took the portfolio and opened it. The papers waiting for Tony's signature were on the right – on the left, a number of black and white Hollywood headshots were tucked into a pocket. Greenwood offered a pen, but Tony was more interested in the photographs. He pulled them out for a look and began flipping through them.
"The cast can't be properly finalized until after the papers are signed," said the shorter man.
"Good," Tony said, "because this guy doesn't look a thing like Rhodey." He took a look at the rest. That must be the actress for Pepper, this would be Obadiah, and... he stopped, stared for a moment, then asked, "is this actor going to be playing me?"
"Yes, Mr. Stark," said the short man.
"Isn't he a drug addict?"
"He's been to rehab," said Pepper.
Tony shook his head. "I don't think that's the example I want to set for little kids."
"You told me last night you didn't want this to be a children's movie," Pepper reminded him.
"Yeah, but they're gonna watch it anyway," said Tony, who knew about and was rather proud of his popularity with children. Their unbridled enthusiasm for Iron Man delighted him. "Mystery Science Theatre 3000 made jokes about this guy. They said he was like a black hole, because he was a collapsed star. What episode was that?" He looked at the other people present for help.
"I don't know," Pepper said.
"Season Eight, Episode Ten," Jarvis said. "The Giant Spider Invasion."
"Yes! That's the one!" Tony nodded. "Look it up!"
Pepper sighed heavily.
"I was wondering," Steve put in. "There was this Captain America war bond cartoon you guys were going to make back in 1942 – did it ever get finished?"
"I wouldn't know," said Greenwood. "Try YouTube."
"Tony," said Pepper, "just sign the papers."
Pepper's patience was little short of epic, but now it was clearly at its utter end. Defeated, Tony took the pen and signed on the dotted line.
"Thank you, Mr. Stark," said Greenwood. "And may I say again what a pleasure it was to meet you and Captain Rogers, and your friends of course," he added as an afterthought.
"Yeah, just make sure my action figure looks good," Tony told him. He closed the dossier and Jarvis gave it back to Greenwood's companion. "Hey," Tony added, as something else occurred to him. "Isn't that actor sort of short, too?"
Pepper fixed him with another frosty glare. "Will that be all, Mr. Stark?" she asked.
"That will be all, Miss Potts," he replied meekly.
She began to walk away, with Greenwood and his friend in tow. Steve shook his head, and Rob asked, "what's up her butt?"
"She's been mad at him since he invited me along on their date last night," said Steve.
Rob stared at Tony, all sympathy having vanished from his face. "The hell did you do that for?" he asked.
Tony decided he had to fix this. "Pepper!" he called out. "Hey! Wait up!" He ran after her and reached to grab her arm. "Pepper, look, can I at least prove to you I wasn't drunk when I told you about Jarvis? Jarvis!" he called, waving. "Come here!"
Pepper stood watching while Jarvis approached. "Good afternoon, Miss Potts," he said formally. "Please don't be angry with Mr. Stark. As you know, he has trouble keeping track of his schedule, and for the moment my ability to help him with it is... somewhat compromised."
"See?" asked Tony. "See? I told you. This is what I've been dealing with the past couple of days, okay?"
She looked from Tony to Jarvis and back again, then swallowed. "When's my birthday?" she asked Jarvis.
"The thirtieth of April," he replied promptly. "Mr. Stark has always given you an annual allowance to buy yourself a gift from him. He hasn't tried to amend this arrangement yet," he added, with a glance at Tony.
"I've been thinking about it," Tony lied. Now that he and Pepper were properly an 'item', he probably should actually buy her birthday and Christmas gifts. He'd have to remember that date. April thirtieth. April thirtieth.
"How many Pollocks were in our art collection?" asked Pepper.
"Five," said Jarvis. "Three of them were painted in the Springs neighbourhood of East Hampton, which Mr. Stark refers to as the artist's 'Spring Period'. The other two were painted for the Federal Art Project."
Pepper tried one more time. "What's Tony's favourite ice cream?"
"Rum raisin, Miss Potts."
She was silent for a moment. Tony's first question had been how, but Pepper's was, "Why? I mean, what was he trying to accomplish?"
"Dr. Strange said I needed a 'learning experience,' Miss Potts," said Jarvis.
Pepper looked him over, eyes wide. "I, um," she said, and seemed to search for words for a minute before settling on, "he's taller than I pictured him."
It had never occurred to Tony to imagine an appearance for JARVIS before this had all begun. Now he realized he would never again be able to hear the voice without picturing the face that went with it. "How did you picture him?" he asked.
"I don't know, sort of like Alfred from the old Batman show," Pepper replied with a shrug. "I always figured that was what you'd had in mind."
"I didn't really have anything in mind, not in that sense," said Tony. He reached out and took Pepper's hand. "Look, I understand it sounded crazy. Yesterday was just a giant mess of bad timing and you are absolutely right that I shouldn't have brought Steve along last night. I don't know what to say about that, other than it seemed like a good idea at the time." He smiled hopefully. "I'll tell you what, let's do it over. We'll go out again, just you and me, and pretend the whole thing never happened."
She sighed. "Tony," she said, "I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I should know by now what your life is like. And it's not that I don't appreciate the romantic gestures, because I do. But if this relationship is going to work then we both have to put some effort into it. That extends to our professional lives as much as our personal ones. You have to take a little more responsibility for yourself."
"That's what I'm doing!" said Tony. "I'm doing it now!"
"You always say that," Pepper pointed out, "but nothing ever changes!"
"Well, something's definitely changed now," Tony said. "For starters I don't have JARVIS to remind me of your birthday anymore! April third?"
"Thirtieth," said Pepper and Jarvis in unison.
"See? Maybe this can be a learning experience for me as much as him!" Tony took a deep breath and tried again. "I'm sorry. I mean that. I guess I've been freaking out about this a little more than I let on." That was probably true – he'd thought he was dealing with the situation pretty well, but every time he stopped and actually thought about the fact that he had no access to his house, no access to his suits, he just felt completely helpless. Tony Stark did not like feeling helpless, and it was that reality that he'd spent the last day or so desperately trying to hide from. "We'll go out tonight, and tomorrow I'll show up for work like there's nothing wrong in the world, okay?"
Pepper relented. "Okay," she said.
"Hey," he added, hoping to get a smile, "I've been working on a surprise for you! Haven't I, Jarvis?" He glanced back, and got a brief nod. "It wasn't going to show it to you just yet... actually, I can't show it to you at all until Jarvis is back where he belongs, but maybe I can give you a sneak peek."
"Should I be worried?" asked Pepper, but there was a bit of humour in her voice now. Finally!
"You'll love it," Tony assured her. "I'll pick you up tonight – same time, same place, no Steve." He kissed her cheek, and they parted with smiles on both their faces. Tony reclaimed his surfboard from Jarvis and rejoined his friends, feeling very pleased with himself. "Everything's okay," he announced. "We're going out again tonight – I'm sorry, Steve, this time you're not invited."
"Good," said Steve.
Rob had gone to get sodas for everybody, and tossed a can to Tony. "If you want my advice," he said, as the four men sat down on the edge of the boardwalk, "get her away from the fancy stuff. Just take her for a burger and a movie or something. How often does she do that? The most romantic thing you can do for a woman is something she doesn't usually get to do."
"Something as unlike yesterday night as possible," Steve agreed.
"I would recommend not trying to talk about work," Jarvis said, joining them. "Miss Potts deals with a lot of stress and won't want to be reminded of it."
Tony looked sideways at them. "So how are you three able to understand women?" he asked. "Rob's gay, Jarvis is a computer, and Steve is... Steve."
"Women aren't aliens," said Rob, rolling his eyes. He then looked at Jarvis with some interest. "He's a robot?"
"No," Tony said. "It's a long story."
"Not particularly long," said Jarvis. "It merely..."
"It's weird," Steve finished for him.
"I was going to say it requires a certain amount of context," Jarvis said.
"Weird will do," said Tony.