Chapter 2: Who Stole Conrad's Arm?

Yuuri was in his office, pretending to work. It was boring.

"If only some beautiful voluptuous woman would enter the room and place the key to her heart in front of me!" he thought wistfully. Apparently he was horny.

The door opened, and into the room strode not a beautiful woman but Conrad, who instead of the key to his heart dropped his arm on top of Yuuri's desk and sat down in a chair, nonchalantly.

"Huh?" asked Yuuri, looking down. Then he realized what it was.

"Aaaaah! Conrad, your arm! It's on my desk! Aaaaaaah!" This was a turn-off for Yuuri.

"Whatever, it's not even real," said Conrad.

"But your arm is missing! If it isn't real then where is your real arm?"

Conrad shrugged. "I was hoping you would help me find out."

Suddenly Wolfram burst into the room so fast that he knocked the door off its hinges.

"Yuuri! Does your disrespect know no bounds, making love in your office with someone-" He noticed the arm.

"What kind of depraved sexual act are you performing with my brother's arm?"

"It's not Conrad's arm, it's a fake arm!" protested Yuuri.

Wolfram crossed his arms. "Even so, that's pretty sick. You disgust me sometimes."

"It's just sitting on my desk, I wasn't doing anything!"

"Wolfram, His Majesty was not having sex with my prosthetic arm. I was simply asking him to help me find my real arm again."

Wolfram rolled his eyes. "Oh, you lost it again? Can't you keep track of these things?"

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug, Wolfram."

Wolfram nodded in agreement.

"So," said Yuuri, "What do you remember from the night you lost your arm, Conrad?"

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug, Yuuri."

Wolfram nodded in agreement again.

"Well, do you remember where you were or what you were going to do?"

Conrad thought for a minute. "No… but I think I know who to ask!"

So the three of them marched on to pay a visit to Josak Gurrier. If anyone knew what Conrad did when he was completely stoned out of his mind, it was Josak.

Yuuri knocked on the door of his room in the castle barracks.

"Josak! I need you for a minute!" called Conrad.

"Just a minute, Captain! I'm almost read for yooou!" came Josak's voice from the room. He whipped open the door and posed. He was wearing granny panties and a sports bra. And nothing else.

"Oh, Your Majesty, you've decided to join us?" he asked. Yuuri's jaw dropped.

"Sorry Josak, no time for that now," said Conrad, "We need to ask you a few questions."

"That's no fun," Josak pouted, slipping on a purple robe and sitting in a chair, placing his feet crossed on a table.

"We need you to tell us what happened the night Conrad got high," said Yuuri.

Josak thought for a minute. "You need to be more specific."

"The night Conrad lost his arm."

"More specific…"

"The most recent instance of Conrad doing crack and losing his arm."

"You know, I do seem to vaguely remember a recent experience…" said Josak, "It was a dark and stormy night, two weeks ago…"

Indeed, it was a dark and stormy night.

"The Captain and I were here in this room, getting ready to crash a wedding."

Josak wore a fabulous white wedding gown that would surely outshine any gown the bride would be wearing. He was applying lipstick in the mirror. Conrad was wearing his best formal military attire. He was adjusting his collar.

"Wait, why were you two crashing a wedding?" asked Yuuri.

"Because we're two wild and crazy guys, that's why."

The wedding gowned Josak giggled in the mirror. Formal-attired Conrad pulled a pearl necklace out of his pocket and put it around Josak's neck.

"That was nice of you, Conrad," said Wolfram.

"So then, we headed to the wedding. It was supposed to be an outdoor wedding but due to the rain, the party had to hold it in a local tavern instead."

Bright lights shone through the tavern windows. Inside drunken louts laughed and staggered across the room, while the ladies of the wedding party attempted to avoid their projectile vomit. Josak fluttered from person to person, complimenting the women on their dresses and hair. Conrad sat at a table in the corner with a gigantic keg of ale, waving around his drunken fists at anyone who dared to come near.

"I was the life of the party! Everyone thought I was amazing!"

"But how did Conrad lose his arm?"

"Well, it happened when they were giving wedding speeches. The bride and groom insisted that I give a speech because I was so popular."

Josak stood, beaming, with a wine glass in hand. He gave a beautiful speech about the bride and broom, despite knowing nothing whatsoever about them.

"Suddenly, they all turned into bears!"

"What?"

"They were bears the whole time! The whole wedding had been a ruse to try to assassinate me and the Captain!"

The formally-attired bears surrounded Josak and Conrad, growling and snarling. Josak pulled a sword from between his fake breasts. He looked back at Conrad. Conrad didn't have a sword, but he had his fists! He was ready to punch some bears to death.

"Wow, so what happened?"

"We were fighting the bears in an epic ursine battle to the death! I had killed five and Conrad had likely killed countless more… but it quickly became apparent what the bears really wanted."

"They want my arm!" cried Conrad drunkenly from the corner where he was bravely defending the keg of ale. "You stupid bear bastards won't be getting my arm! You suck!"

"So what did he do?"

"Captain!" Josak cried, tossing his sword to Conrad, who caught it between his teeth.

"Beeeears!" yelled Conrad, "You will never get that which you seek!"

"Then he chopped off his arm and threw it out the window."

"Why?"

Conrad shrugged. "It's a nervous tic. It runs in the Weller family."

"So that is how Conrad lost his arm this most recent time."

"Actually, Josak, that's not the right story," said Conrad, "I found my arm out back in a dumpster the next day."

"Whoopsie! Well then, I'm not sure how Conrad lost his arm this time, then."

Wolfram facepalmed.

"Wait! I think I'm remembering something…" said Conrad.

"What is it?" asked Yuuri.

"It was the day after the bear wedding…"

Conrad was drunkenly walking back to Blood Pledge Castle, his real arm tucked under his real arm. Suddenly, he looked up into the sky. There was Pochi!

"Hi, Pochi!" Conrad yelled, holding his detached arm and waving it around to attract the dragon.

Pochi spotted him and landed on the ground. Conrad held out his detached arm for Pochi to sniff.

"Cool, huh? Wanna see something cooler?" He placed the detached arm back in the socket where it should be. A golden light glowed for a second and it was attached, good as new. Pochi clearly enjoyed the display, but he had more important business to attend to. Tied to one of his scales was a bag. He pointed to it. Conrad reached up and untied it, looking inside.

"Why, it's a shitload of cocaine!" exclaimed Conrad, "Pochi, are you going through a rebellious teenage stage?"

Pochi nodded. He was selling drugs to pay for dragon college.

"You want me to buy this crack?" Pochi nodded again.

Conrad thought for a minute. "Well, I don't have any cash on me… wait! I know!" He pulled out Josak's sword and detached his newly-attached arm. It fell to the ground with a thud, bloody and gross.

"Here, you take this arm as an IOU. When I get done doing all this cocaine I'll bring you cash and trade it for my arm back!"

Pochi stood there, bewildered. But he seemed to accept the terms of the deal, picked up the arm, and flew away.

"Yeah, I think that was a pretty good deal!" said Conrad.

"And that's how it happened."

Everyone sat in silence.

"What the fuck kind of crazy world is this?" asked Yuuri.

"Nevermind that now," said Conrad seriously, "Now I must repay my debt. Time to go buy my real arm back! Wanna come Yuuri?"

"Don't get mixed up in this kind of deal, Yuuri. Cocaine is a hell of a drug!" said Wolfram.

Josak nodded in agreement.

Conrad flashed an irresistible smile. "You'll get to see dragons!"

Yuuri perked up. "Dragons? Awesome let's go!"

"Works every time."