Breakthrough

"Live or die. Hero or coward. Fight or give in.

The human life is made up of choices.

Live or die. That's the important choice.

And it's not always in our hands."

Ch. 2 – You don't get to be God

Derek slowly opened his eyes but everything looked fuzzy. He could vaguely make out the face of Doctor April Kepner in front of him. The pain in his chest and the loose-fit feeling of the hospital gown reminded him of where he was and what had happened.

"Um… Meredith went to get something to eat, she should be back soon," April said timidly.

Derek groaned groggily as he took in his surroundings and more of the memories came flooding back to him. As he struggled to get his bearings he heard April mutter something about being sorry for getting him shot.

"By coming out of the office…. I didn't listen and then you got shot…" she said guiltily.

Derek saw the face of Gary Clark in his mind, heard the sound of the gunshot, felt the icy coldness that had consumed his body. His mind flashed back through all the events that had led up to this. Pulling the plug on Mrs. Clark. The meetings with Mr. Clark and the lawyers. Trying to talk him out of killing him.

-What kind of hospital is this? It isn't safe here. Somebody has to protect people. From YOU. Handing down judgments, like you're God. YOU DON'T GET TO BE GOD.

-Mr. Clark… listen to me. I know your loss. I lost my father. Two guys killed my father for his watch right in front of me. I didn't become a doctor because I wanted to play GOD. I became a doctor because I wanted to save lives. Look at me. Please, look at me in the eye. I'm a human being. I make mistakes. I'm flawed. We all are. Today I think, for you is just a mistake. You want justice. You want somebody to pay. You're a good man. I can see that in your eyes. Can you see it in mine? Can you?

-Dr. Shepherd! Thank god you're back!

Derek looked up at Dr. Kepner. He could blame her if he wanted. She admitted it, she felt guilty. He might have been successful at talking Gary Clark down if she hadn't burst out and ruined the moment. But Derek knew in his heart she was not to blame. He was more at fault than anyone else could possibly be.

"I got you shot and I just need to say I am so, so sorry," she continued.

"Gary Clark came here for me," Derek uttered weakly. "I gave the order to pull the plug on his wife. I got everyone shot…"

April just sighed and looked at Derek with both admiration and defeat for a few moments.

"Well… that was all I wanted to say. I'll leave you alone now. Meredith should be back soon," she said, getting up. She closed the door softly, leaving Derek alone with his thoughts. Meredith. He thought about his wife. The last time he saw her was when he ushered her and Christina Yang into a supply closet to hide from the shooter wandering the hospital. He remembered a few vague moments waking up in this hospital bed, seeing her face, but he was too dazed to remember speaking with her. At least he remembered somebody telling him that he had been saved by an emergency surgery from Christina Yang. At least he knew the people he cared about most were all still alive. The people I care about most… Some faces flew through his mind. He was only slightly aware that one particular face pulled at a string in his heart just a tad bit more than all the rest, and even less aware that it wasn't Meredith's.

A few minutes later there was a knock at the door and then it slowly opened, revealing Dr. Owen Hunt, Dr. Christina Yang, and at the tail, Dr. Mark Sloan. They entered and filed around the bed.

"Chief Shepherd," Owen said with a nod. "How're you feeling?"

Still in a haze, Derek replied, "Like I've been shot," with a weary smile and gave a bleak laugh. The others smiled back at him but didn't laugh.

"Where's Meredith?" he directed at Christina.

"Um…" Christina looked back and forth between Mark and Owen, all of them remembering the promise not to tell Derek about her miscarriage. "She… decided to get some sleep since she thought you'd still be out for a while."

"Ah. Well… that's good." Derek said. "Christina… I don't know how to thank you enough for…"

"Please. We don't have to talk about it," Christina replied. She looked up at Owen who gazed back at her with love and concern. There was a loaded silence for a few moments.

"Well," Owen finally broke the silence, "we just thought we'd come check on you. I guess we should be heading home… let us know if you need anything," he said to Derek.

"Thank you," Derek said drowsily, and his eyes began to droop wearily once again.

Owen and Christina headed for the door.

"Dr. Sloan?" Owen asked, implying as to whether he was leaving with them.

"Nah I'm gonna stick around for a bit," he replied, with sort of a farewell nod to the couple. Owen nodded back in agreement and Christina waved to Derek as they both left the room, pulling the door shut behind them. Derek opened his eyes again and looked up at the man in front of him.

"Mark."

"Derek."

The two men greeted each other with only their names. Derek was strangely comforted by the fact that Mark was there. And all alone.

Mark pulled up a chair next to the bed and sat down, putting his face at eye level with his best friend.

"How sweet of you to come check up on me," Derek joked with a grin.

"Shut up," Mark retorted. They looked at each other for a moment. Mark dropped his gaze to the floor.

"Actually… this is about the fifth time I've checked up on you so far. You've pretty much been out the whole time," Mark admitted. Derek thought of a few more jokes but decided not to say any of them. He actually felt a little more warmth come over him at the thought of his closest friend checking up on him. He hated Mark for so many things that he'd done, but now it just seemed so pointless to hold on to any of that. The truth was that Mark really was his closest friend, and more like family to him than some of his own sisters. So, instead of a joke, his only reply was a faint smile.

"So... How about you? You didn't get hurt?" Derek asked. Mark leaned back in the chair and let out a sigh.

"No I'm fine. But I did perform an impromptu makeshift surgery on Alex Karev in the conference room, pretty much saved his life" he said with a little smugness. Derek laughed.

"This isn't gonna help your god complex much, is it?" Derek asked jokingly. They smiled and laughed at each other like the old friends they were. Then Derek exhaled slowly and closed his eyes a little bit. He was fighting to stay awake but was still really hazy.

"Do you want me to go? You look really tired…" Mark said. Derek opened his eyes again and looked up at Mark, whose eyes were filled with concern.

"No no, it's ok, you can stay. I can't promise I'll be much of a conversationalist, though," Derek said grimly. Mark turned his chair slightly so that the arms of it lined up with the side of the bed, and he was facing the mounted TV. Grabbing the remote he said,

"Well go right ahead and get some sleep, I'll watch some football," he said with a wide grin. "I bet Meredith will be back here by the time you wake up again…" he added with just the slightest hint of bitterness. Derek didn't catch it, but at the mention of Meredith he became aware that he hadn't even thought about her since Owen and Christina left, and was a little put-off at the fact that he almost didn't care if she wasn't there when he woke up, so long as Mark was still there. Well, Mark is my family. In times of trauma you cling to your family… -but Meredith is your family now too… -but Mark has been my family my entire life. Derek's internal debate with himself slowly drifted off has he fell back into a hazy sleep.

Mark Sloan looked at the sleeping figure of the most important person in his life, the person he'd almost thought he'd lost. After a moment he realized how creepy it probably was to be watching him sleep, so he turned his attention back to the TV. He's like a brother to me… that's why he means so much to me. That's why I was so devastated at the idea of losing him… He rationalized to himself. He stole another look at Derek. He looked really pale and exhausted, but strangely beautiful. Handsome, not beautiful. What is wrong with me? He grabbed the remote and switched the channels until he found something with hot girls in it. I am Mark Fucking Sloan, he reminded himself, and put his full focus into mentally undressing and screwing every chick on the screen.

-AN: Hope you like this so far! I know it's progressing slowly but that's the way I like it, makes it more interesting and last longer! Besides I don't want this story to be about sex, I want it to be about the emotion, the internal struggles and grappling with realizations, etc… I want this to be a story with a more realistic development of feelings than most other stories where they just jump suddenly into bed. Anyway, more chapters to come soon! Please review!