"So! Why don't you post something epic; you know, like you were supposed to do. . ?"

Title: Dancing On My Own

Pairing(s): Yuda/Shin, Yuda/Shiva-one-sided

Warnings: Shiva, Song-fic, Non-consensual feelings, Shiva, Epic Angst, Shiva… And Shiva!

Song: 'Dancing On My Own' by Robyn

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A/N: Imagine standing in a crowd of hundreds, dancing and singing loudly, while being a little drunk on beer, white-wine and the sheer mood of the Danish 'Roskilde-Festival'… And then you have a Saint Beast-epiphany when you hear a song, in the middle of all that…

Yeeaaah… That happened to Yours Truly a few weeks ago :S But finally it is written!

I also took some liberties with the actual lyrics and changed some 'her's into 'his's, some 'she's into 'he's, and some 'girl's into 'boy's x3 Cuz it makes a heck of a more sense this way! Lol, I'm bending the rules! (- it's just that I tease these guys too much as it is, I couldn't bear to change their genders as well... Much... Errr...)

Enjoy!

Somebody said you got a new friend

Shiva had willed himself not to listen in on petty gossip all his life. He had thought it degrading for an angel of high rank, like himself, to engage in such dull activities, and to let oneself trust rumours, that went mouth to mouth and gained a few new details every time they were spoken, was a disgrace.

But whenever that name was spoken, that name… He found himself trembling a little in excitement. He always wanted to be the first to know whether Yuda had been victorious in yet another training-duel, or if he'd been blessed with a new ability by Zeus.

But the rumours about Yuda, as of lately, had left Shiva with an ice-cold feeling in his chest, a sense of panic.

Does he love better than I can?

The angels of Heaven spoke of Shin, whom Shiva already knew. Shin was a gentle-mannered musician and a close friend of the well-known angel Goh. But suddenly the angels began speaking of him in excitement. And apparently they did so because Yuda did.

Shiva didn't like it. Yuda was also famous for never haven fallen victim to the curse and blessing of love. Yuda had always been kind and friendly to everyone… But never before had he favoured the company of someone above the rest.

Until now.

There's a big, black sky over my town

Shiva drained his goblet, leaning back against a pearly-white pillar. The Holy Spirits Festival. That was were he was at the moment, scowling at all the laughing and flirting angels, low rank, high rank. Everybody was gathered.

And Shiva's eyes were as always trying to seek out a glimpse of feisty, red hair. But, for the first time, when he spotted the love of his life, all he felt was a tight knot in his throat and a tense, bad feeling in his stomach.

They were sitting at the same table. Why?

I know where you at, I bet he's around

The rumours had started with small stories about scenes like the one in front of Shiva right at that moment: Yuda spent a lot of time with a younger, beautiful angel, he had recently met. They could be seen together at the marketplace or in the Gardens of Eden.

Others said that Yuda and Shin had also been seen together near each other's houses. And Yuda had never before brought guests to his private residence. Some angels found it all very exciting. Others were nearly consumed with jealousy.

Shiva belonged to the latter group of angels.

Yeah, I know it's stupid

But I just got to see it for myself

So Shiva, even though he had told himself over and over and over that there wasn't any truth to these stories, had found himself… spying on Yuda.

It wasn't that he'd never before admired the red-haired angel from a safe distance, to shy and uncertain to approach at times, but never before had he followed Yuda around, invisible from the shadows of the trees or from the corners of the houses in the village.

And then Shiva had seen it; seen it before his eyes, like a nightmare one is unable to wake oneself from. Yuda and the blue-haired musician had greeted each other, shy happiness evident in their posture and the way they spoke the other's name.

Shiva had hated it, hated it, hated it. Hated it because he didn't understand it.

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss him

Shiva's mind returned to the present time, where the music was loud and the wine was poured and enjoyed without hesitation. He frowned and put his empty, golden cup away. He didn't want to look at their table at the moment. He could tell that they were talking lowly to each other, their eyes were locked.

The pain in Shiva's heart was nearly unbearable. He didn't understand. Why? Why Shin?

I'm right over here, why can't you see me?

Shiva felt that it was indeed a good question; many angels asked themselves the same thing every day: Why Shin? Sure, Shin was gifted with good looks, but many in Heaven were so.

Shiva knew of Shin before that damnable day that had Yuda's and the harpist's paths crossing. Shiva knew that Shin was intelligent. Silent and observant. And his smile was…

Shiva hissed, and stalked away from the pillar he was leaning against. Why Shin, Yuda?

I'm givin' it my all, but I'm not the boy you're takin' home.

Many years ago, back when Shiva had first encountered Yuda and his life-long infatuation had begun to take its toll on him, Shiva had been clueless as to how he could approach the other, confess his feelings.

It seemed that the way he felt about Yuda was obvious to everybody, and Shiva had been mocked in his insecurity and confusion. They had teased him and told him not to bother with feeling anything for anybody… ever.

But that wasn't really in Shiva's hands, now, was it?

Shiva had managed to distance himself from the others; had instead focused on how to get closer to Yuda. And he had tried many different approaches; he'd used all existing excuses to be close to him: training, parties, etc… Never had he succeeded in gaining anything beyond a kind word of politeness…

Shiva closed his eyes for a moment. He knew that Yuda didn't even think of him as a friend. And now Yuda was choosing Shin, whom he barely knew, to stand by his side. Probably forever.

I keep dancing on my own.

Shiva noticed Shin getting up from the table he was sitting at. Yuda was watching him with an expression of great interest and fascination; so were many other spectators.

The young musician had brought his instrument. Figures.

As Shin sat down by a couple of other musicians and they began strumming their harps, all noise quickly faded. Shiva realized that the party, maybe even time itself, had come to a stop. All eyes and ears were on the small group of talented harpists sitting together, lost in their own little dream-worlds.

Oh, Shiva hated to admit it; but the music was good, so good. And the blue-haired male absolutely shone in the moonlight, eyes closed in content concentration.

And Yuda was watching him, face shockingly unguarded. Shiva saw all the pride, want and joy in the red-haired angel's eyes. Yuda wanted Shin.

I'm just gonna dance all night

Despite the fact that many angels considered Shiva's rude and flawed personality a bit of a turn-off Shiva knew that he was still pleasing on the eyes. His body was slender and always well-dressed, and his eyes had a beautiful, intriguingly purple colour, even if he mostly used that particular feature to glare disapprovingly at others.

More than once had Shiva experienced inappropriate… Offers from strangers who thought he might not want to be alone for the remainder of the night. Shiva always declined and didn't bother with being mindful of the others' feelings about it.

After all, they came to him in the hope of a moment of brief, impersonal pleasure. And in the morning there would be nothing more. Wasn't that the story of Shiva's life? If he let people close, they burned him… Viciously.

But Yuda was different. He wasn't judgemental or cruel, he let everyone talk to him, and if he didn't agree with the other's opinion, he'd be gentle about letting the other know and no harm was done. And Shiva marvelled at this.

If he could always be with Yuda, never be mocked or told off in a harsh way, then he could be truly happy. Shiva would do anything for him. He would let Yuda do whatever he wanted to him, would let Yuda have all of his beauty. In Shiva's mind he had already given his body and soul up for the red-haired angel centuries ago.

But never had he been claimed.

I'm all messed up, I'm so out of line

No. Yuda hadn't claimed anyone, ever. Not until he met Shin.

Shiva ignored the other angels as they applauded the small orchestra sitting in the centre of the festivities. Shin was smiling self-consciously, looking happily at the wooden instrument in his hands. He didn't get up from his seat, didn't return to Yuda's side.

Even if Yuda was still watching him intently.

Shiva found his mind wandering off to forbidden territories. If Yuda and Shin had never met, if Shin didn't exist at all, then how would the future look? Would Yuda still be an object of unobtainable desire and safety? Would his longings still have a hint of hope to them?

Uninvited but tempting thought entered his head, all of them strictly taboo. A fantasy of going to a dark, unholy forest, speak with the demons there, close a deal… No. Shiva shook his head, hid it in his hands for a short moment. That was forbidden, that was murder.

Oh, but it was so tempting.

Stilettos and broken bottles

I'm spinning around I circles

Seeing Shin standing by a distant table now, wine-goblet in his hand, looking at Yuda who had also risen to approach him… Shiva had to sit down, alone at a table ignored by the crowd around him. His fingers shook in anxiety, his heart clenched painfully.

It was too much. He wanted it to end, prayed to his God that he somehow could let him go, learn how to un-love Yuda. Because if he was to spend the rest of his immortal life aching, seeing these angels' happiness and calm certainty in their feelings for each other, then he's either die from the pain… Or he'd lose his sanity.

Shiva bit back a moan. Yuda was touching Shin's hand now, talking quietly to him, complimenting him judging by the way the musician's high cheek-bones flushed in subtle bliss.

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss him

I'm right over here, why can't you see me?

I'm givin' it my all, but I'm not the boy you're takin' home.

I keep dancing on my own.

Shiva was possessed. Possessed by his love and his tortuous pain. He realized that he would spend every waken moment of every day for the rest of his life thinking of them.

He would spend the eternity that was an angel's destiny trying to make sense of it, this horrible moment in time that sealed the two males', in front of him, fates together. He would mourn, grief, probably cry – unable to grasp how Yuda had chosen Shin. And how Shin chose Yuda.

And Shiva would spend every second of his life alone.

So far away, but still so near

The lights go on, the music dies

But you don't see me standing here

Yuda took Shin's hand, whispered something, and pulled him away from the Holy Spirit's Festival. And Shin followed, trusting and loving smile on his face. He seemed ready to follow Yuda everywhere.

When they'd gone, Shiva stared at the table before him. The white, silken tablecloth was stained with blood-red drops of wine, and a smashed piece of fruit lay abandoned the furthest away from him, forgotten and unrecognizable.

The world continued on around him, music and happy chatter deafening. It was a night to make memories and to rejoice. The stars twinkled above and the moons were full.

Shiva's own world was coming apart. Shattered.

I just came to say good-bye

~ ~ ~ FIN ~ ~ ~

Just so you guys know this: I realize that last line and quote from the song suggests that Shiva gives up and leaves Yuda and Shin alone. . . Of course Shiva can never do this! And he stalks them to the end of the world! Whooooo :D don't we just loooove CANON, people?

Anyway, that was Robyn's 'Dancing on my own'. Did I mention that I love this song? Did I?

Zeh chorus, once more:

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her

(Oh, oh, oh)

I'm right over here, why can't you see me

(Oh, oh, oh)

I'm givin' it my all, but I'm not the girl you're takin' home

(Ooh, ooh, ooh)

I keep dancin' on my own

(I keep dancin' on my own)

Despite the awesomeness of sharing one's favourite songs with one's readers, I doubt I'll write more song-fics. I actually found it a little difficult, writing like this.

But it was like a challenge from me to me :) And now it's over… Hurray!

REVIEW, my pretty, little doves... REVIEW!