Chapter Two: Fear

The days dragged on. I didn't do much. I noticed that they refilled the bottle of liquor every night. That was good.

After a few more days, Al yawned and stretched as he came out of his bedroom, and then paused when he saw me on the couch, holding the half empty bottle of liquor.

"You know," he said. "You do actually have a bed, Brother."

"Hmm?" I asked. I was still half asleep. He sighed.

"I can't let you rot away like this anymore," he said. I closed my eyes, trying to block out all noise.

I was very rudely interrupted by the feel of freezing cold water being thrown over me. I leaped off the couch.

"Al – what the hell?"

He had an ice bucket in one hand, and was frowning at me. I shook off some of the excess water and looked at him. Unfortunately, I was still growing, and he stood a good ten centimeters above me.

"Seriously," I said, finally. "What the hell was that for?"

"Are you feeling alright, Brother?" He sounded concerned.

"Of course," I said, squeezing some water out of my hair. "I'm fine. Why?"

"You don't look so good."

I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. He was right. I looked pretty hopeless. My face was pale and wan, and there were dark shadows under my eyes. My hair looked like I hadn't brushed it in a month (it hadn't been that long) and my clothes were disheveled.

I sighed. "I'm going to take a bath."

"Will you go to the library with me after you're done?"

I glanced at him. "Can't you go by yourself?"

"I want you to come. It'd be good for you."

I nodded. "Maybe it would. Okay. I'll go."

He smiled again, that big smile he gets whenever he's really happy. It was obnoxious, sometimes, but this time I just smiled a little bit and waved him off.

I took a long time in my bath. I just sort of soaked in the water for a while. I decided I wasn't going to drink anything else for at least a week. Al didn't have to see me this way.

As I sat in the warm water, I wondered how easy it would be to just slip beneath the surface and take a breath. And it'd be over. Just like that. Would I go back to my own world?

I think I knew all along that I wouldn't. But I couldn't help myself. I slid down in the tub, until I was completely submerged. The warm water made it so I could almost feel my missing arm and leg. It was so weird.

I held my breath as long as possible. I thought I just wanted to get it over with, but every time I thought about letting out a breath I chickened out. Finally, my lungs were gasping for air. I let the remaining air out through my mouth, then prepared myself. Her face flashed through my mind. Their faces. I smiled.

And someone wrenched me up out of the water.

"What are you doing?" screamed Al. "Brother! What are you doing?" He was holding my tightly by the shoulders, staring right at me. I stared at the stump where my left leg used to be. "Look at me, Ed." I didn't move. "Look at me!"

Slowly, I met his gaze.

He searched my face, looking for something that obviously wasn't there. "Why?" he whispered.

I didn't say anything. He let go of my shoulders and walked a few steps away, his hands covered his eyes. Then he turned back to me and said, "Come on. Get out."

I still stayed silent while he helped me out and handed me a towel. And although he had his head in his hands almost the whole time, he wouldn't leave the room.

He helped me put my arm on. I could do my leg by myself, but I couldn't manage the arm with only one other hand. We didn't say anything to each other.

Once I was fully dressed, and my arm and leg were in their proper places, I stood up.

"Al," I said quietly.

He shook his head and turned away from me. "Al, come on," I said from behind him. "I'm sorry. I'm so…so, sorry."

"What were you thinking?"

He turned to face me. The expression on his face hurt more than all the other things on my mind right now. I wondered what I had been thinking.

"I wasn't," I finally admitted. "I'm sorry."

"You already said that."

"I know. And I'll say it again."

He looked into my eyes. This time, he wasn't searching for anything. On the contrary, he looked almost as if he was afraid of me.

"Do you still want to go to the library?"

For a split second, I thought he was going to tell me no, but then he shook his head and said, "Yes."

"Okay. I'll go get my coat."

He wouldn't take his eyes off me. The whole way to the library, and when we were there, even though he doesn't like the same books that I do. I looked for his book, briefly. Amestris. But when I asked the clerk about it, she said that their only copies were already checked out. I wondered if the people who had checked them out had any idea that the author was here, in this city.

I trailed the science-fiction shelves. There wasn't really anything that interested me too much, but I got Al to stay over at the fantasy shelves across the aisle. He liked fantasy.

We spent a long time there. Neither of us really read anything. Or, if we did, we didn't pay much attention to it.

It was evening when we got back to the apartment. I hadn't realized we spent so long there. I had just been thinking so hard, trying to make sense of everything.

I dropped my coat on the couch and went to sit down, but Al caught my arm. "Can't you sleep in your actual bed for once, Brother?"

I nodded without hesitation. "Yeah. 'Course."

He went into our room. I followed him. He was looking around. "Where'd you put my journals?"

"In the drawer."

"Which drawer?"

"That one." I pointed to it. He opened it and pulled out the copy of the Bible. He looked at it for a second, then slowly put it back down and pulled out one of his notebook. He produced a pencil and sat down.

"You know," I said finally, still standing at the door. "I…I didn't really want to die."

"Then why'd you do it?"

He looked up at me with a pleading face. He didn't want to talk about this. But I knew we had to.

"I don't know. Maybe the fact that I'm insane has something to do with it."

"You're not crazy."

"How do you know that? Doesn't this all seem just a little weird to you? I mean, do you ever wonder if this is all really happening, or if it's all a dream, and we'll wake up and be ten years old again, and it'll be like none of this even happened…" I choked up on the last part.

He looked back at his journals. "That already happened to me."

I looked at him for a second, then closed my eyes. My hands were in my pockets. "I'm sorry, Al. I really am. I can't even-"

"You said that we'd never be apart again," he said, and suddenly he was on his feet. "You told me that we would always be together, no matter where we were, and that you'd never let anything happen to either of us. And then you go and try to kill yourself…I don't understand, Brother! You were never depressed before! Through everything that we went through, you stayed strong! And then, then we move away from a girl and you just fall apart! What's going on? Ed, please. Help me understand."

I looked at him, at all the pain on his face, and I shook my head. "I don't even understand, Al. I'm sorry."

He just stared at me. "I already lost you once before. Don't do this to me again."

"Al, come on. You know me better than that."

"I don't know what to think about you anymore."

That stung. It took me a while to gather enough of myself to reply. "Al-"

"I don't want to talk to you right now, Brother."

Right then, I was struck by a terrible guilt. He had lost me before. He had watched me die. How could I have done this to him? I never could have forgiven myself if he were to have walked into the bathroom, and seen me there, lying in the tub, unmoving, cold and-

I lurched to the bathroom as fast as I could and threw up into the toilet.

-dead.

"Brother!" exclaimed Al. He was at my side in a second. I choked with tears."I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I'm so sorry. I'll never, ever do anything like that again. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry."

For a second, there was nothing but blatant shock on his face, then he sighed and knelt down, letting me cry like a little kid into his shoulder.

Later that night, when he thought that I was asleep, the lamp between our beds turned on. I was about to open my eyes and ask him turn it off, but I stopped myself when I heard him open the drawer and take something out. Something that sounded heavier than any of her notebooks. After a few seconds, I chanced a glance.

I opened my eyes and closed them very quickly. I don't think he noticed. I saw that he was holding the copy of the Bible that he had picked up earlier.

I heard the unmistakable sound of pages turning, and then he paused. It sounded like he took something else out of the drawer, and then there was the sound of paper ripping. I frowned, wondering what he was doing.

Over the next hour or so, he ripped a few more pieces of paper. Then, finally, he sighed and put everything away. He turned the light out and then there was silence.

I drifted off to sleep eventually. I dreamed about Noa. But there was someone else in my dreams too… a dark figure around the edges. I caught a couple good glances of the figure, but I only saw a quick flash of blonde hair, and a little smile.

And then there was Noa. She smiled and turned and ran away. I ran after her, and after a while she stopped moving, but I wasn't going anywhere, no matter how hard I pumped my legs. Then I fell. My leg was gone. I saw that figure again, and it looked like, whoever they were, they were carrying away my automail leg. Noa and the figure laughed at me. And suddenly I was falling. Faster and faster, farther and down into the dark abyss of nothing, nothing, and I was dying again…

And just like that, I woke up. My eyes shot open, and I realized that I was drenched in sweat. I sat up and shook my head, trying to cool off a little bit. Al wasn't in the room, and I could smell something delicious coming from the kitchen. I closed my eyes and rubbed my head.

But then I noticed the Bible that Al had been looking at last night. It was sitting facing me on the dresser, with a little note in Al's handwriting that said, Please read on it. I rolled my eyes, but picked it up all the same. There were several ripped pieces of paper marking pages. That must have been the ripping sound last night.

Shaking my head at the ridiculousness of religion, I opened it to the first bookmark.

'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest' said the first one. I read it once, then a second time. What the hell? Al never seemed like one to fall for this sort of crap.

I opened it to the next one, just because Al had asked me to. 'Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'

I almost laughed out loud at that one. The truth? What idiots.

I got dressed and, picking up the Bible, I went out to the kitchen, where Al was leaning on the counter, buried in a book. I wrinkled my nose. It smelled as if the food was starting to burn.

I slid up to the stove and turned the heat off. Al looked up just as I began to attempt to scrape the eggs off the pan.

"I can do that," he said, reaching out for the pan and spatula.

"It's fine," I replied.

"Please, can I do it?"

I looked at him oddly. He had put his book down, and looked as if he really wanted me to give the pan to him.

"Why, you think I'll try to burn myself to death with it?" I teased him.

He paused for a second, then nodded. "Yeah. I do."

I looked at him, the smile on my face fading. Then I sighed and handed it to him. "What are you reading?" I asked, glancing at his book.

He replied, "Just a little something I picked up from the library. Sort of about a parallel world. Looked interesting."

"Oh," I said. Then I crossed the kitchen and picked up the Bible again. "Did you leave this out last night?"

"Yeah."

"Were you reading it?"

"A little. Did you read the passages I marked?"

"Some of them."

"What did you think?"

I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I said, "They were nice." I paused, then I said, "But you know you can't believe them. None of it is true."

He said nothing, only ran water over the pan.

I sighed impatiently. "Al, are you really afraid of me?" I demanded.

He looked at me, a puzzled expression on his face. "Why would I be afraid of you?"

I just looked at him.

He shook his head. "No, Ed, I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid for you. I mean… you always seemed so rational, but…" He shrugged. "I don't know, lately."

"Is that why you wanted me to read these?" I asked him, gesturing towards the Bible. "Did you think they would make me feel better?"

"Didn't they?"

"Of course not. Everything that's in here is crap," I said, holding up the book. He looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Maybe not everything."

"Oh, Al, don't tell me you're suddenly a believer."

"No, that's not what I'm saying…it's just, there's a lot of good stuff in there. It's a good read."

"You did not read the whole thing last night."

"Of course I didn't, Brother. But I did read parts of it. It seems…" He paused, struggling to find the right word. "…harmless. There's nothing really bad in there. It's all about being nice to everyone and forgiveness and everything." He shrugged. "I don't know. I just thought you might want to see some of it."

I nodded as he continued to wash the pan. "I think they have maids who come in here and do that," I said.

"I don't like making other people clean up my mess," he said smoothly. I nodded.

"You never did."

There was more silence.

"Did you read all of them?" he asked abruptly. "All of the pages I marked?"

"No," I said, looking at the book. "There's still one more, I think."

He thought for a moment. "It's a good one. You should read it."

"Maybe later."

"Good."

There was more silence. But this time, there was something else. It wasn't quite hostile, but things weren't…normal. There was something in the air that I was unfamiliar with. It felt wrong, like I didn't belong...

I had to get out of the room. Faster than necessary, perhaps, I went into the living room. Al said, "Brother?"

I saw the door, and something strange stirred inside of me. The door. Outside. Freedom. I began to open it, but Al put a hand on my shoulder.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I don't know," I muttered. "Anywhere but here."

I took another step, but his grip tightened on my shoulder. "But where?"

"I don't know! Somewhere where I don't have to deal with you."

He let go of me. I took a few steps into the open air, then turned around and saw his lanky frame still hovering in the doorway. "I didn't mean that," I said.

"I think you did," he replied quietly.

"No, Al, I – I didn't mean it like that."

"It's okay. I would feel the same way if I were you."

"No, you wouldn't!"

My voice was strangely loud. It echoed several times, then, just as silence was restored, I continued, "You wouldn't Al. Don't kid yourself. You're stronger than I am."

"Only because you taught me to be!"

"You learned from my mistakes," I said softly. "But I never did."

He looked at me. His lips formed the words, "Don't go."

I looked once towards the open air, towards freedom, where I would never have to deal with this annoying, inescapable, amazing part of my life ever again.

Then I sighed and walked back into the apartment.

"You give me far too many chances," I said to Al as I passed him. He grinned.

"You saved my life," he said. "Twice."

I smiled. "So I guess we're even now."

His grin flickered and disappeared. "I guess we are."

We turned the radio back on and sat in silence for a while. He didn't really look at me, and I stared at the ceiling.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" I asked him finally. "Isn't the Literature Committee having another luncheon today?"

"A supper, actually," he replied. "But I'm not going."

I nodded. We both heard the words he didn't say.

Later that evening, he said he wasn't going to go to bed until I do, but he fell asleep right in the armchair. I wonder how much sleep he had gotten last night.

Lounging on the couch, I spotted the Bible over in the kitchen. There was still that last paper bookmark sticking out of the top. I got up and retrieved it, for some inexplicable reason.

And, what was even stranger, when I sat back down on the couch, I opened it up to the last marked page. The piece of paper fluttered to the ground as I searched for the underlined passage.

It said: 'Peace I leave with you; My peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.'

I read the words, then I looked at Al, sleeping with his mouth hanging open on the armchair.

I found the note he had put on the top of the Bible. Please read. Underneath, I wrote, Why don't you? and made sure that the bookmark of that last passage was too hard to miss.

I put the book on the coffee table right in front of him, then left to go to bed.

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