Addressed to R. Mustang
Author: MeltingMetal315
Original Publish Date: January 14, 2011
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairing: RoyEd
Rating: T (PG13)
Warnings: References to sex, yaoi (malexmale), angst, heartbreak
Author Notes: Inspiration from an image on deviantart where Ed's writing a letter to Roy, who's in war. The majority of the piece, however, was an image using a base from that chapter of Naruto where Kushina is clutching baby Naruto (so cute!) but of Ed and Ed's mpreg baby. But RoyEd mpreg cracks me up because Ed always seems like he's PMSing XD Anyway, I liked the concept, but I can't take mpreg seriously, so I wanted to take the concept into my own hands. Well, let's do this! ;]
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Roy-
Maybe I should call you Colonel, er, General, again. I mean, now that we're not personal anymore. But then again, here I am, writing you yet another all-too-personal letter… again.
I miss you… But I assume that you tire of reading that. I love you, you know, and I always will, even if you refuse to even look at me. I understand that I was just another lay to you… just another one night stand. And… I should understand that by now, actually, I do, but I can't make myself think the same about you.
You know, I never felt the same way as I did with you, even when I was with the other people. You were my first. After all, I was just a day seventeen. I tried it out with all of them, you know. Ling, Russell, Winry, Sceska, Mei, Lan Fan, even with Envy at one point. But none of them were the same… It was never ever the same. When I'm with you, not even intimately, but just in the same room even, a spark goes through my spine. I feel a warmth. I feel an attraction for us to be together.
When I was little… remember? I would come to you with all my worries and problems and I would let you see me cry. You're the only one that's seen me cry, you know, besides my mother and Al, but none of them are living now, are they? No… I don't blame you. You were only following orders. But I do resent it. I resent the fact that you're a dedicated military man and that you chose your line of work. Anyway, when I first joined the military, Mother's death still impacting me, you would have me over at your home. You would get hot milk and cookies. I'd gobble up the cookies, but not the milk. Heh, you learned that eventually. I would cry and let it all out. You would hug me and comfort me. You'd stroke my head and rub my back like a parent would with their own child. You'd tell me that everything was okay, but it would never be as great as it was before, but that you were there for me. I was so confused as to why you wouldn't just tell me that everything was great, but I understand now. You wanted to prepare me, didn't you? You know the pain, and you knew that it was futile to say that it would be all right again. You know the same pain, don't you? But I should have seen it for what it was. You lusted for me, didn't you? You wanted me, you sick fucker. I was only ten. Thank your god that you're able to hold off until I was legal… until I wanted you, too. If you had touched unwillingly, then you know that if I hadn't killed you, Al would have tortured you and then killed you. I hope you realize that. 'Else you'd be dead.
But… even though you took advantage of me… even though you've hurt me and abused me and slept with me so many times without showing any type of affection, I know that at some point, even for the shortest amount of time, you loved me as I loved you. I was nothing to you most of the time, just something to do at night… Literally. You made me fall for you. You were the high point of my life. I fucking loved you, you goddamn, mother-fucking bastard.
Oh god, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please…. forgive me. You don't have to acknowledge me anymore, you know. You can stop sending me money. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself now. I'm not a kid anymore. I don't need your financial help. Maybe you send me the money thinking it will make up for your absence. This isn't the first letter. Maybe you feel guilty and send me checks, hoping it will make up for everything.
But it won't, Roy. It won't. I just want to be with you again. I just want you to hold me and love me, like you used to. Even when it wasn't real love. Even if it was just so you didn't feel so bad for the things that you did. Goddamn, Roy, I fucking miss you. You won't even live in the same region as me anymore. Do you really hate me that much? Are you afraid to face me? Are… are you ashamed… of me?
That makes sense. You're ashamed that you ever slept with and loved a broken little boy like me, a goddamn cripple, incomplete and damaged. Maybe I'm just a charity case, hm? Well, I'll have you know that I'm perfectly capable of getting dates and such. I don't need you to pity me. I only miss you and want you with me again because… well… I love you, that's why. I don't know how to say it any other way. You're special to me, Roy. You make me feel on top of the world. Like there might actually be a heaven where we can be together forever and for all eternity. You make me feel wanted and special and protected and loved. I don't have a family anymore, I can't feel like that anymore. Even with the other partners, it's hollow and fraud.
Please stop ignoring me and at least write me back or something. I just need to hear from you.
-Ed