Disclaimer: All rights to Mass Effect belong to Bioware, not me.

Waking Up

Chapter 2

Two weeks later, Shepard decided she had no choice but to start the 12 required weeks of psychotherapy. 'Ridiculous,' she thought, but somewhere deep inside, she could hear someone telling her that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. No, it wasn't just anyone; it was Garrus telling her this. Whether she admitted it to herself or not, she was still trying to feel his presence with her, and it was only pushing her further into this dark, self-loathing place. Although there was only pure emptiness where he was supposed to be, she could still hear his voice. It was so clear sometimes that the longing and desperation made her physically sick to her stomach.

"Commander Shepard," Dr. Barton began. He was an older man with little eyes, thick-rimmed glasses, and penny loafers. Shepard revisited her memory looking for the last time she had seen someone with glasses. Corrective surgeries were commonplace in that day and age, and seeing someone embrace their physical shortcoming was a breath of fresh air for her. In addition, he had a large belly on him. Looked as though he enjoyed regular meals. Shepard couldn't help but think that maybe there was a possibility that she could even begin to like this quirky man.

"Just Shepard," she corrected him. Fondness was just a possibility. She was still Shepard, and she was still prepared to make him earn her trust.

"Alright Shepard," he tried again. "If that's what you want."

"It is," she affirmed without skipping a beat.

"I'm going to begin with just some basic questions in order for me to get a better feel of who you are," he said. "I ask you to please answer each question honestly."

"And if there's a question I don't want to answer?"

"Well, we'll have 12 weeks to answer it," he said confidently with a soft smile. "From what I have read from your records, you have quite a military history."

"That's right," she confirmed.

"Mostly with Alliance, experienced a tragic loss on Akuze, a short period with Cerberus. Will you tell me how you ended up with Cerberus for such a short period?"

"I suffered extensive injuries from a… malfunction with my ship. Cerberus took it upon themselves to treat me and get me back on my feet. What with the collector turmoil, Cerberus provided resources for me to take care of it. Due to… idealistic differences, we were forced to part ways." She was surprised at herself as to how professional she sounded. Of course, that wasn't the whole story, but it was enough for argument's sake. At least it seemed to be enough because all Dr. Barton did was nod in understanding as he glanced at his notes for his next question.

"Any family?"

"No," was her answer.

"Friends?" he asked. Images of her prior squad mates flashed in her memory, but she blinked them away in a single breath.

"No."

"Do you have any hobbies?"

"Not anymore."

"What does that mean – 'not anymore?'" he inquired.

"It means not anymore," she shrugged.

"Then what do you do now that you're on leave?"

"I…" she thought. What did she do? She thought back on the past two weeks and could recall herself sleeping, heating up soup on the stove, watching news reports for all of maybe 10 minutes because they seemed to depress her, and… what else? Just sitting there to be completely honest with herself. Sitting in different places. The couch, on her bed, the kitchen floor up against the steel refrigerator. What comfort she found in that steel.

"Shepard?" Dr. Barton interrupted her thoughts.

"Honestly?" she asked with a sigh.

"I'd appreciate that," he responded.

"Sitting."

"Sitting," he echoed. "And where is your favorite place to sit?" Shepard felt as though she were being talked to as if she were a toddler, but at the moment, she didn't mind it. She was too busy feeling confused. She wasn't sure if she liked that familiar feeling of someone being interested in her personal well being.

"The kitchen floor," she answered honestly. How much more trouble could she get into anyway? "Against the refrigerator."

"And why is that your favorite place?"

"The refrigerator is stainless steel."

"And it reminds you of your ship?" Dr. Barton guessed.

"Yeah," she said without meeting his eyes.

"Do you ever smile, Shepard?" he asked, swiftly changing the subject.

"What?" The question surprised her, and she wasn't sure if he was being serious. Just to be sure, "Are you serious?"

"For the record, I'll never ask a question not meant to be taken seriously. Honesty is always the best policy."

"Sure, I smile," she answered matter-of-factly.

"When's the last time you smiled?" Dr. Barton acquired.

"I don't know," she said.

"Think about it," he encouraged.

"Dr. Barton, I—"

"Doc," he cut her off.

"Huh?"

"My clients call me Doc. Less formal that way," he explained.

"Uh, okay."

"So, when's the last time you smiled?" he repeated. "Honestly," he added with a smirk, guessing what Shepard's next question would be. She thought about it. The last smile… suddenly, Garrus's face was in her head, and she couldn't breathe.

"I don't want to answer this one," she said as she choked on her air supply.

"But you know the answer," he suggested.

"Yes!" Shepard aggressively exclaimed and thereafter released an exasperated sigh. Doc let the moment dissipate and pass. He was an experienced psychologist, as he had been a military appointed psychotherapist for the previous 25 years. He loved his job, and while he knew he was seen as an enemy in the eyes of many, he truly felt that this was his calling in life. After all, following one's calling was a critical part of his personal mantra.

"How often do you go out?" he asked, changing the topic once again.

"Out where?" Shepard clarified.

"Out anywhere. To the cinema, for a walk, for a frozen dessert."

"I leave to come here or get groceries. And even grocery shopping doesn't happen too often. I mainly just get canned soups that can be heated up on the stove, and I store up enough to last me a couple weeks."

"I see," Doc said. "Here's what we're going to do these next 12 weeks," he proposed. Shepard raised an eyebrow, curious as to where this was going. "Every week, I'm going to come up with a personal challenge for you to complete outside of this office. Are you up for some challenges?"

"Always. Challenge is my middle name," she responded. 'Or, at least it used to be,' she finished mentally.

"So, this week, I challenge you to find an excuse to go out. Anything, just get outside."

Shepard left Doc's with one thing on her to-do list: go outside. She thought it was silly, but doctor's orders. Plus, he challenged her, and the first step to becoming the Shepard she once knew was to follow through with these challenges. She never would have declined before.

'Go outside, go outside, go outside,' she repeated to herself the next day. 'Find an excuse to go outside.' She tried to think back to reasons she would go outside when she still felt like… well, like herself. 'Heh, a raid maybe,' she thought. 'Wait, maybe that's it.' She ran. A lot. That was what would make her feel like herself. Before she could even consider procrastinating, she laced up an old pair of running shoes and let herself out.

"Mew." She looked down the hall where she had previously seen her feline visitor, and there it was, looking at her intently.

"Hey, cat," Shepard greeted and then walked down toward the other end of the hall.

Shepard planted her feet into the asphalt, convinced that maybe she had forgotten how to run. She couldn't have, could she? Of course not. She shook the doubt and faced north. Putting her right foot in front of the left, she stepped forward and began walking. Slowly at first, then briskly. Finally, she broke into a run. The moment her legs broke lose from that stationary phase she had committed to, she could feel the rust breaking loose from her joints. At last, she felt free. She sped up the street and continued several blocks just letting the breeze run its slender fingers through her hair and the sun settle on her skin.

A/N: I promise I'll start making these chapters longer... I just got off of work early today and decided that this was how I wanted to spend my afternoon. Much love!