100 Round the Bends
But then I see my damn reflection in your eyeball
And I want nothing more to do
With all the things you made me think I am
So, jump in my car, we'll go 100 round the bends
We'll take this road until we're back and start it again
Jump in my car, we'll go 100 round the bends
And we'll pretend, feeling rage is feeling real.
100 Round the Bends- Missy Higgins.
As I walked off I wanted to cry, really I did. I actually felt like I was walking away from him, when I desperately wanted to stay. I didn't cry, I couldn't, because tears don't fall from my eyes anymore. I have cried so much over the years, I don't have any tears left to cry; they've already fallen. Then I felt an emotion that I was all too familiar with; rage, blind, uncontrollable rage. With the rage came the trembling which I desperately tried to control. I calmed myself down enough not to phase; I was not ready for that just yet. Before I could phase I use to throw things, punch things, sometimes I ran, I even flung myself off the highest cliff in La Push. I am not sure whether phasing is more beneficial than my dealing techniques or not. I suppose it does not matter, like most things in my life, I had no choice in this either.
How could he accuse me of leaving? He was the one who left me first. He left me cold, alone and depressed. At least he was her. Who do I have? Jacob does not want me in his pack. I don't have to be a mind reading leech to know that. This was one of the reasons I did not want to phase yet. I'm sure he would let me, I am not sure how much choice he would have in the matter. He would understand what perspective I was coming from, of that I was sure. I have never talked to him about it but I know how he feels about the leech lover, Bella. I also know how she left him when her leech returned. I have seen it a million times how much that hurt him. It was almost unbearable. I suppose that is one of the things Jacob and I have in common. The loves of our lives have both left us for someone else. Maybe I can teach him how to be a bitter, sadist bitch while when I transfer into his pack.
I remember the look on Sam's face the day he left me. He looked much like he did today. Both times he looked heartbroken, confused, and completely regretful. The only difference is the first day it was fate that made him look like this, today it was me. I made him look like that. Being the bitch I was, I should be satisfied but I'm not. I feel many of those emotions right now but this is my decision. It is better this way. I can burden less people this way. I do understand how much of a burden I am on everyone. I am the only female wolf, which I suppose would be much like being the only girl on an all boys hockey team. Sure they include you but at the end of the game, you walk lonely down the dark, deserted arena to your change room while the boys celebrate in their own. It pains Emily to see me look at her the way in which I do. I cannot be rude to her, alpha's orders, but he cannot control the way I look at her. I believe the saying "if looks could kill" means a hell of a lot more if the person who is wishing you were dead was someone who meant a lot to you. It may not harm you physically but emotionally, it tears you up inside. For in some moments that I have looked at her with so much hate I know she wished she were dead.
I walked to the edge of La Push faster than I would have liked but I suppose I have wallowed in my own self- pity for long enough. It was time to face the music, time to face the new people in which I would burden with my curse.
A/N: I had a really good idea so I figured I would write this chapter. The idea hasn't come up yet, and neither has Jake lol. But they are both coming, soon. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! It makes me so happy that people like this story! I don't reply to reviews but I will answer your questions in my Author Notes. So to Rougue Assasin, I already have plans for Nessie but if I go into detail I'll make sure to include something about that lol. Maybe just a one time thing with Claire or something lol. There's not enough girl characters in the books lol. Also if you have not noticed I have songs for each chapter so if you have a song that would go along with this story or one you just love, let me know and I will try to include it.