Disclaimer: All rights to Mass Effect belong to Bioware, not me.

Waking Up

Chapter 3

"So, you went for a run?" Doc confirmed during the next meeting. He seemed impressed with Shepard's initiative, but he shouldn't have expected anything less after reading through her military history. "And how did it feel?"

"…Right. It just felt right," Shepard said while thinking back to the feel of the impact between the soles of her shoes and the warm asphalt.

"I imagine you did a lot of running during the course of your career," he said.

"Just a little," Shepard said sarcastically.

"So you do have a sense of humor," Doc said with a smile. Shepard couldn't mirror that smile because all she could think about was the last time she had ran. Not the one she had done for Doc's challenge, but the last time she really ran. London. To the beam that would lead her to the Citadel. That was the last time she had seen her friends. And the last time she had seen him… the only person she had ever given her whole heart to. "Paging Commander Shepard."

"What?"

"I called your name several times. What were you thinking about?" Doc inquired.

"It's just Shepard, remember?" she deflected.

"Do you have an aversion to your title?" he responded. He was good. Quick. Always on his toes and ready to respond. He was perfect for the military.

"No," she shot back.

"But you are ranked as Commander."

"Debatable."

"How so?" he inquired.

"I'm on leave, remember?"

"Maybe, but that doesn't make you any less of a Commander," he said.

"Killing my crew does," she let slip. She immediately realized what she had said and tried to decide on whether or not she should try to backtrack. She was sure Doc could keep up with her, but she had to try. "It was a suicide mission, though. I should have expected it," she recovered.

"You killed your crew?" Well, looks like her attempt at redirecting was unsuccessful. She was going to have to be more forward.

"Let's talk about something else," she said.

"Like what you were thinking about just before we got onto the Commander debate?" he asked.

"I don't remember." But of course she did. How could she forget something so awful?

"Okay, so let's revisit a question you didn't want to answer last time. When is the last time you smiled? Are you ready to answer this one?"

"No," she answered.

"Will you try?"

"I would say 'no,' but you're just as persistent as I am."

"That's why I've been in this line of work for nearly 30 years," he responded with a smile as he leaned back in his chair. "Start with the easy stuff. Just tell me when it was, no other details."

"The last battle against the Reapers in London," she said blankly. She said the words without focusing on them because she didn't want to place herself into that memory at the given moment. If she didn't think about the words, she didn't have to think about the memory, right?

"Good. That's good." Shepard felt slightly conflicted being rewarded with a simple statement of praise. It was good to reflect on things that made her miserable? "I would like for us to work on fleshing out that memory."

"Is that this week's challenge? Remember a memory?"

"Nah, that's something I'm going to help you with. This week's challenge is all on you."

"Which is…?" Shepard prodded

"Smile."

"What?"

"You heard correctly. I want you to smile. It's obviously been awhile," he said. Was he trying to replace the last smile with this one? How could he do that to her? She never wanted to let go of that moment. Never.

"Doc, you don't know what you're asking of me," Shepard argued.

"Tell me what worries you about this."

"I… I may not want to remember the last time I smiled, but I don't want to forget it either."

"Don't worry. That memory is something you can always keep with you. I'm not trying to make you forget it; I'm just trying to make something so natural as smiling easier for you to engage in. More than recalling that specific memory, I want you to remember how to smile. Make sense?"

"I suppose," Shepard said, taking his word for it.

"Mew," said the feline as Shepard returned from another run a couple days later. Making running a routine helped Shepard establish a sense of normalcy, which she and Doc had agreed would be a good thing.

"Hey there, soldier," Shepard greeted the cat. "Fighting the good fight?" she asked. It mewed once more, blinked its large, blue eyes at her, and disappeared down the hall.

Shepard let herself inside and thought about the week's challenge – smiling. What did she have to smile about? The news reports were mostly disappointing, and she didn't have friends to make small jokes with. 'I suppose this one will take some time,' she thought. And maybe not so much concentration. She decided that if she tried too hard, she'd never be able to do it. It was similar to that phenomenon where when one is trying desperately to find a misplaced item, moments after having given up, it is found.

She still hadn't found the smile by the time she met with Doc for her following session.

"How'd the challenge go?" Doc inquired.

"It didn't" Shepard said regretfully. "I mean, I went through the motions – the technical part of pulling your lips back from your teeth, but I never got it right."

"That's alright," Doc said.

"No, it's not," Shepard retorted. "I hate failing."

"You didn't fail."

"Then why is my squad dead?" The wind was suddenly knocked out of her. Seeing their faces was so painful.

"Close your eyes," Doc tried. Shepard did as she was told. It was the only thing she could do at the time to keep from going mad. "Think about something really, really funny. Either a joke you once heard, a conversation you once had, or a very silly accident that had once occurred." While the thought of Garrus's face made her stomach turn in despair, she couldn't help but think of target practice on the Citadel.

"Rampaging Klixen," she heard him say. "That's how you separate the rookies from the pros." And it happened! She laughed! The moment she recognized the sounds coming from her throat, she clapped a hand over her mouth to stop it.

"And that's how you smile," Doc said, his words dripping with satisfaction. Shepard couldn't respond. Laughing was wrong, she decided. It felt wrong. She felt so embarrassed with herself that hot tears began to sting her eyes. "Why can't you let yourself enjoy the humor in the scene you just imagined?"

"It's as if I'm spitting on their graves," she admitted painfully.

"Laughing is not disrespectful to those we have lost," he said. Noticing that his last statement didn't change her mind, he asked, "The person in that memory, are they someone you lost in the war?"

"Yes."

"Then think of it this way, you are honoring them. Keeping them fondly in your memory is a way of embracing the life they had… did this person have a significant impact on your life?"

"He did," she said in a whisper.

"Then allow him the privilege of continuing to impact your life… through fond memories." Shepard let his words sink in, and they made her feel better. Garrus would never want her to be miserable, but she couldn't help but feel miserable without him. "Let me ask you something else," Doc said.

"Of course," Shepard responded. That was his job, wasn't it?

"The person in the memory you just laughed to… does this happen to be the same person in the 'last smile' memory?"

"…Yeah."

"He was special to you. Made you happy," he concluded.

"Yes."

"And his name?"

"No, I don't want to talk about this anymore," Shepard said to halt the conversation.

"Perfect."

"Perfect?" Shepard clarified.

"Absolutely! That's your next challenge. Say his name." Shepard just stared at him. She felt panicked inside just thinking about it.

"Can I have a different challenge?" she requested.

"Nope."

"Was worth a try," she mumbled.

When she returned home, Shepard reflexively glanced down the hall for her feline friend. Of course, there he was, sitting comfortably and watching her curiously. Instead of just talking to him, she decided it was time she try approaching him. After all, he must have been just as lonely as she was.

"Hey, soldier," she said as she stepped lightly toward him.

"Mew," he responded as he continued to watch her. Once she had gotten to him, she knelt down next to him. Before she could reach out to pet him, he got up and brushed himself up against her thigh.

"Nice to finally meet you, too," she said as she stroked his back, reciprocating the affection.

Thunder had awoken Shepard in the middle of the night, so after making some tea, she sat on the kitchen floor up against the refrigerator. She listened to the storm harmonize with the hum of the fridge and closed her eyes as she breathed in the steam from the tea. She envisioned herself in her cabin on the Normandy. She let her head droop to the side and felt her hair fall across her face. She imagined Garrus there with her, running his hand through her hair. She could hear that deep Turian purr that used to resonate from the back of his throat.

"Garrus," she whispered. She said it without realizing it, and once she noticed that she had completed the most recent challenge, she said it again. "Garrus," she repeated, this time louder. "I miss you, Vakarian." And she let herself crumple on the kitchen floor to grieve his loss.

"Garrus Vakarian," Doc said after Shepard had finished sharing the story of her private moment in the kitchen with his memory. "I can recall his name from your files."

"Of course you can. He was my right hand since the beginning. It would be impossible to read my history without coming across his name," she said. 'And I was desperately in love with him,' she finished mentally.

"And more than a friend?" he investigated further. Shepard just nodded at the inquiry. "So let's revisit to that 'last smile' memory. We know the where, when, and who. Would you like to share the what?"

"It was a goodbye," Shepard said.

"What was said?" Doc encouraged.

"We talked about retiring together. And then it transformed into something else… he told me not to die, and I promised him he'd never be alone… I never expected to survive that mission. I was supposed to die, not him." Shepard didn't realize that the more she talked, the quieter she got. In addition, her eyes began to leak; she was getting tired of crying.

"You promised him he'd never be alone in the event that you died. Is it possible he would have made the same promise to you?" In Shepard's mind, it wasn't a possibility – it was a certainty.

"The last thing he would have done is abandon me," she admitted. She let the thought travel, and Doc could tell her mind was creating something. There was silence in the room as Sheperd imagined Garrus in his last moment. She could see his look of endearment as she appeared in his mind.

"Sorry, Shepard," she could hear him say.

"No, don't be sorry. This is my fault," she whispered back at the empty air.

"You're talking to him," Doc observed. Shepard locked eyes with him, fearing his judgment. "That can be a good thing," he assured. "Cathartic."

"Yeah," she agreed.

"Well, that takes care of challenge number four."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I was going to encourage you to talk to him in some way. A letter. A private conversation. I wanted you to know that while his physical form isn't here, he will always exist in your memory."

"I like that challenge," Shepard admitted.

"Please feel free to talk to him more on your own time."

"I will," she promised. Yes, she would. She wanted to talk to Garrus so badly, and realizing that she still could changed her entire world. Sure, she wouldn't get a response other than what she could envision herself, but she felt she knew him well enough to imagine his tender words of encouragement and charming sense of humor.

"Goodnight, Garrus," she had said to the empty pillow next to her the next night. While she felt her heart sink with the words, the comfortable feel of the words rolling off her tongue was a familiar sensation that she clung to. Consequently, saying goodnight to him became customary during her end-of-day routine.

A/N: I managed to make this chapter slightly longer. Hope you enjoy! Much love to all!