So, here we are. After far too long. Which I'll give some insight to in my book of an A/N at the bottom. And, just for the sake of mentioning it... SM still owns Twilight, not that anyone doesn't know that.
Chapter Four: Prayers
Edward
The sky is eerily dark.
Ominous.
Violent...
The lightning flashing across it.
The thunder cracking through it.
Roaring...
A battle cry.
Or a warning.
And the rain...
Pounding.
Pummeling.
Relentless.
Blinding.
I can't see a fucking thing.
But Bella's sweet smile...
Beckoning.
Calling...
Come back to me, Edward.
Words she didn't speak.
But words I hear.
Drowning out all other sound.
All other conscious thought.
Pummeling me...
Like the rain.
Making my heart pound.
Its violent rhythm painful in my chest.
And her voice in my ears...
I love you. See you soon.
Words she did speak.
Just before I turned around and left her.
I turned around and left.
My wife in our perfect cloud.
And turn around is exactly what I want to do now.
Go back...
To her.
Because something is wrong.
I don't know what it is...
But it's something.
I can feel it.
The presence of it.
The weight of it.
The threat of it.
And I can't ignore it anymore.
Won't ignore it anymore...
There's a place to turn around just about a mile up ahead. Just a few more minutes...
And I'll be on my way back to her.
Where everything was right...
Before I turned around and left.
And that I pray...
Still is...
When I turn around and go back.
…
FBoFW
…
Bella
I fly up in our bed.
A cold sweat covering me.
My heart racing...
Pounding...
My heart...
And someone at the door.
Pounding furiously.
I think...
I look around and try to connect... anything.
I'm disoriented. Confused.
And alone.
Except for the pounding.
And the chill.
And the fear.
I don't know what I'm afraid of...
But it's here. All around me. Where Edward is not.
Edward...
He left for his meeting.
How long ago?
Thunder rips through the quiet as I look to the clock beside the bed, seeking the answer.
The truth that is...
Accompanied by quiet that isn't...
I hear the rain just beyond the glass doors.
And more pounding.
On the heavy one below.
And on my heart. Because it's late. Too late.
And the fist at the door...
Pounding so hard I hear it all the way up here. Too hard.
And the bell.
Ringing through the house again and again.
Making me more afraid.
Because Edward should be here by now. Should be back.
Should have woken me up by now. Long before now.
We should be leaving soon.
Together.
Not alone like I am as I climb from our bed. Our cloud. Our peace.
Peace that isn't here now.
I want the pounding to stop. And the ringing. And the fear that's gripping my chest.
I want them all to go away.
Will them to as I grab Edward's shirt from the floor with trembling fingers and pull it on. And my skirt from yesterday, the first things I find to cover myself.
We never left this room.
Well...
I didn't. Not from the moment he carried me up the stairs.
We even ate dinner in our little cloud. His and mine.
Dinner that he made while I lay dazed in a blissful haze.
Only to return to it after... again and again and again.
Edward is always that way when he gets me to himself.
Insatiable.
His need...
His possession...
Incessant.
Like the assault on our front door as I make my way on shaky legs down our maze of stairs.
I hear my name now as I get closer.
A frantic, desperate cry...
Like the fear that rises up and chokes me as the voice registers in my brain.
Emmett's voice.
Edward's best friend.
And I know before I see his face that something is horribly, terribly wrong.
I know that my life has been changed.
Our life.
Our perfect cloud.
Altered in some way.
A way I don't want to know.
A way I don't want to hear.
A way I don't want to see...
A way that takes my legs from under me as I do and his wild eyes meet mine.
Still me.
And all of my words but one...
"No!"
His eyes travel sadly over me and he shakes his head, coming inside and closing the door behind him. "He's not dead... "
"Not. D-d-d... Not... "
"No. Not. But it's bad, Bella... it's really fucking bad."
"But he... he j-just... he... "
"I know, honey."
"No."
I try to push past him and to the door, no thought in my mind but getting to my husband...
My husband that's not dead. Not...
But his arms are firm, his voice soft, "Go get dressed. You can't go like that. You're not even wearing shoes, and you look... " His eyes travel over me again and settle on my face with a small smile. "Loved."
What does that matter? "I am... and I want to... I need to see him. Now. I-"
"I know, Bella. But he needs to see something, too. So, go. Hurry. Then I'll take you to him. Not the you he left loved. The you he needs now. The strong you. The sturdy you. The one that can handle anything... for him. Because you love him that much."
I love him.
I do.
I love him so much...
So much more than so much...
I love him...
Enough.
That I understand.
Know what he's telling me.
I haven't lost him...
Edward.
My life.
But it's bad...
Really fucking bad.
And he's trying to prepare me.
Wants me to take the time to prepare myself.
Not for me...
For Edward.
…
FBoFW
...
Fifteen minutes later, I'm running past the packed bags near the door of our bedroom. The bags that were ready and waiting...
And that won't be going anywhere.
Today.
Because there aren't going to be any trips today.
No flights...
No games...
Not for us.
The small bag thrown hastily together and over my shoulder is all I'm going to need.
For the one I'm taking now.
And me...
The me I have to be.
My face clean. Clean of makeup, clean of tears, clean of the meltdown my heart is having.
I let it escape for a moment or two...
The panic and the fear and the tears that accompanied them...
But when the hot water of the shower flowed over me, it took it all with.
I made it.
I forced it to.
Forced it all away.
For him.
I'll do it for him.
My husband that I love more than life itself.
I'll present a strong front, albeit a simple one.
Wet hair pulled back in a ponytail, jeans and a plain, simple tee. A cardigan thrown over my arm, converse on my feet.
Just me.
Together but not.
Emmett nods as I make it to the bottom of the stairs.
Takes my small overnight bag and leads me out of our house.
Edward's and mine.
Our house that I don't want to be in for another second without the man who makes this ridiculous monstrosity a home.
The man who's somewhere else.
The man who needs me somewhere else.
The man who needs me...
To be strong.
…
FBoFW
...
I don't crumble when Emmett tells me what he knows about the accident.
Or how many times they tried to call me.
How many times my phone shows me when I turn it on.
It's been off since yesterday.
Because I never left our cloud.
Our cloud that is dark now, like the ones overhead.
I've always loved storms...
Always...
But not anymore.
I don't love them now.
I don't love this one.
This one was too harsh.
Too vicious.
Too deceiving.
As I drifted in and out of sleep to its cruel symphony...
Lulled.
Tricked.
While it destroyed my perfect life.
And maybe the man I promised to spend it with.
My life.
Perfect until now...
Perfect no more.
Shattered in an instant.
While I slept.
Dreamt...
Of him.
The man that waits for me to be by his side.
The only place I ever want to be.
And where I'll be strong.
"Are you ready?"
My voice cracks, betraying me as I utter the simple "Yes."
"You can do this, Bella. You can do it for Edward... I know you can. Find the strength, honey. Find it before we get in there."
I close my eyes and nod, breathing in and out, forcing my resolve into place, as Emmett comes around to open my door.
Wear a stone mask as he leads me through all of the cameras and questions waiting outside of the hospital doors.
Force down the pain that rises up when the Where have you been?s reach my ears and the flashbulbs go off in my face.
I pray I don't see the same in Edward's eyes...
If they're even open.
I pray and I pray and I pray with every step that leads me closer to him.
And the pain that I know is waiting for me there when I reach him.
Please, God... I pray.
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
Pain.
And then not.
Light.
And then dark.
Sound.
And then silence.
Everything.
And then nothing.
Not even Bella.
Please, God, let this be a dream...
Please let me wake up.
…
FBoFW
…
Bella
Esme Cullen is the first person I see when we reach the ICU.
Edward's mother.
Who I've never seen as I see now...
Distraught.
Her face is battered by tears.
Contorted by worry and fear.
Beaten by truth.
Rosalie is beside her.
Looking much the same.
And away from Emmett as we reach them.
Because he only represents more pain to her.
Pain that she brought upon herself.
And that I feel no sympathy for.
Not today.
In front of them, and turning to me now is Carlisle Cullen.
Edward's father.
And a neurosurgeon in this very hospital.
And that's what he is as he approaches me.
A doctor, not a father.
"Bella... "
But Carlisle the doctor is not who I want here at this moment.
"I just need to see him, Carlisle. The rest doesn't matter now. The details... the questions... the answers and explanations - that maybe I'll understand, and most likely won't...
"It can all wait. Please. I just want to see him. Want him to see me. Need him to see what he hasn't lost."
He takes a deep breath.
Then nods and smiles at me, taking my arm when Emmett releases my other.
Two men that love Edward.
And that I know have faith in me to be what he needs.
And when I enter the place where he is, I enter it alone.
And determined to be strong.
For the man who's never been anything but.
Until now.
When he is but he isn't.
His strength has been locked inside.
A place where I can't see it but know it's there.
I can only see the outside.
My beautiful husband that lies broken in a bed.
At least I think that's what it is.
This contraption that holds him.
And holds him still.
Immobile.
Something that Edward has never wanted to be.
Unless he was wrapped in my arms.
And then only sometimes...
But this isn't that.
My arms aren't around him now.
And can't be through that thing that confines him.
That holds him prisoner.
And keeps him safe.
Protected.
This thing that I love and hate all at once.
Love for cradling him.
Hate because it is and I'm not.
I'm not...
Can't...
But I still want to touch him.
So he knows that I'm here.
Even though his eyes aren't open.
Just one touch...
Soft.
Gentle.
Sweet.
What he loves from me even when he's not.
And so I search for a place...
Where maybe he feels no pain...
And then I search for another...
Because the first is too hard.
The place that I know.
That they think...
He might feel nothing at all.
I hope they're wrong...
For him.
And I don't even know if he knows...
But I won't think about that now.
What he knows or doesn't.
Because right now I just want him to know that I'm here.
With him.
Where I'll always be.
So I lean over him as carefully as I can...
Stroke his hair.
And kiss his strong jaw.
And then his mouth.
Softly.
Whisper "I'm here" against it.
And pray that he hears me.
Feels me.
While I pray for strength.
And for him.
His that I can't see.
And mine that I'll make sure he does.
When he opens his eyes and sees me beside him.
Where I'll always...
Always be.
xx
You're probably wishing now that this had been a cheatward story...
But it's not, and here's what else it isn't. And what I'm not. I'm not a doctor. And this isn't a 'medical' story. I'm going to use as little technical terminology as I can. Not because I'm lazy... because, believe me, I've read and read and read... researched until my eyes, and brain, gave out on me. But at the end of all of that, and all of the time it took me to get this finished - because I thought I needed to (use it) - I decided I don't. It's not how I want to tell the story. The story about them. Edward and Bella. And the painful struggle that lies before them. And in that hospital bed. That's what this is. It's a story. A piece of fiction. Something my heart and my head dreamed up. And that's how I'm going to tell it. And whether I hear a word from any of you... whether any of you choose to stay to hear it... we'll still be here. Telling it from the heart.
And for anyone who does, and wants to 'see' them... the them in my mind and heart... they'll be up on my fb before the day is over. I won't say anything more about that here. Or now.