Twilight still belongs to SM. Faith is mine. And some of theirs...
Chapter Five: Faith
Edward
She's here.
I can feel her. Smell her. Hear her soft whispers.
Her prayers...
To God.
Her I love yous...
To me.
That I can't answer. Can't return.
Not because I don't...
I just can't.
Can't tell her. Can't touch her. Can't even open my eyes to look at her.
Can't...
A word I've always hated. A word I've never believed in.
Until now.
That it's taken everything away from me.
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FBoFW
...
Bella
His eyelids flutter. His fingers twitch. His lips speak silent words. When I talk to him. Or touch him.
He knows I'm here. He can hear me. And feel me. I know that he can.
He waited for me to get here. And he knows now that I came.
And I'll wait as long as I have to...
For him to open his eyes.
To see me. And show me.
And for his lips...
To tell me.
And his hands...
To guide me.
Like they always have.
All of them...
The parts of him.
Shown me everything he needs.
Because he knows I love him. Enough.
Trust him. Enough.
To give it all.
Myself.
And to be...
Enough.
More...
All.
To him.
And what he doesn't tell me...
Show me...
I'll figure out on my own.
Because he put his life in my hands.
His future.
Like I did with him. The day we said our vows.
Our vows that warned us that things may not always be perfect. That they could get hard...
Tough...
Someday.
But that we said anyway. Because we loved each other enough.
More...
Than whatever might come our way.
And whatever did.
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FBoFW
...
"You should get some sleep."
"I'm fine."
"Bella... "
"I'm fine, Carlisle. And he's going to wake up soon. I know he is. And I'm going to be awake when he does."
"At least eat something."
"I'm not hungry."
"Bella, you need-"
"What I need is my husband. To wake up and see me here. By his side. Waiting for him to tell me what he needs."
"You might not be able to give him-"
"Don't."
"Okay. But it's going to be a long road. You'll need strength to get down it."
"Don't worry about me. All of the strength I need is in this room."
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FBoFW
...
"He's moving more."
"Have you seen any movement below-"
"Not yet."
"Bella, he may never-"
"I said not yet."
"I know you did."
"And he is moving more. And I don't have to be a doctor to know that's good."
"Some of the swelling is going down. Relieving pressure. It is a good sign... But-"
"No buts."
"You should be prepared for-"
"I'm prepared, Carlisle. I love your son. No matter what."
"I know that, Bella, but-"
"No. Buts."
"I have a very stubborn daughter-in-law."
"Yes, you do."
"And tough. Much tougher than she looks."
"Also true."
"I suppose I should be grateful for that."
"You should."
"It's going to get hard, Bella. Harder than this. I just-"
"I know."
"He-"
"Carlisle, I know. Whatever happens. However hard. For better or for worse. It doesn't matter that we didn't know what they could mean... I meant those words. And Edward will never not know that."
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FBoFW
...
"Do you need anything before I go?"
"Just for you to take your mother with you."
"Bella!"
"Lower your voice, Rose. And Bella, what? All she does is sit in this room and cry. And that's not what I want him to see when he opens his eyes. She needs to get it under control. So, until she can, take her with you."
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FBoFW
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Edward
The pictures flash through my mind like I'm watching a movie of my life.
A movie that plays too fast...
As if it's stuck in fast forward.
It's cruel.
I want to slow it down.
To stop it.
Rewind.
And pause.
Anything but this.
Me on the field...
Stealing third base.
Running home on the next swing.
Wins.
Losses.
Highs.
Lows.
Highs again.
The highest...
Bella in my arms...
Laughing...
Happy...
As I twirl her around the gleaming wooden dance floor.
Her flowing white dress brushing against my legs.
Her laughter flowing across my face.
The love in her eyes swallowing me whole.
The trust.
The hope.
Of the future I promised her.
The future thats sweetness I taste in her lips. Passion I feel in her delicate fingers in my hair. Her arms around my neck. Her tongue on my jaw. And everywhere.
Mine on her. Everywhere...
Nearly every day.
Days that fly by.
Fly past.
Planes I flew away from her in.
The ones I flew with her in.
And the one I didn't.
Rain I ran with her in. Her in my arms. As we got drenched. Our picnic ruined...
Our day not.
She pulled me in when I put her in the passenger seat of her Jeep.
Pushed down her shorts. Ripped down mine.
Slid her hands into my dripping wet hair. Crushed her mouth against mine.
Wet. Hungry...
Every part of her.
For me.
That she begged me to take. Right there.
And that I took in the cramped space of her front seat.
The sweet, tight space of her. Her that clung to me. All of her...
Sopping wet. And loving every second of it.
Loving me. Screaming that love at me.
And then it's gone.
And it's my own screams I hear...
Glass shattering instead of my wife beneath me.
Promises I made to her... broken.
With my bones.
And the crunch of metal.
While the rain soaked everything.
Destroyed it.
My career...
That I know is over. They don't have to tell me. I feel it.
And don't.
And my life...
The one I was trying to get back to...
The one I chose...
My beautiful, loving wife that I made promises to.
My beautiful, loving wife who trusted me to keep them.
Keep her...
Laughing.
Dancing.
Happy.
And full.
In every way.
And I know before I open my eyes that she knows I can't. That I'll let her down. That I already have.
Broken every promise I ever made her. Without saying a word.
And no matter what happens...
No matter what's waiting for me when I look at her...
The first words I want to speak will be the easiest part. And the hardest.
As I open my eyes.
See her beautiful face.
And do.
"I'm... sorry... Bella."
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FBoFW
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Bella
"Sorry? Oh, baby, what are you sorry for? You came back to me."
A tear rolls down his cheek and takes my heart with it on its downward descent. How could he speak those words to me? How could they be his first? After the agonizing silence I waited through?
And his eyes...
The fear in them...
A different fear than the one I expected to see.
In eyes that close when I wipe the tears from his face.
The ones that followed the first.
And are drowning my sinking heart.
"Everything's going to be okay, Edward. Somehow. We'll make it okay. You and me. Together."
I know they might not be the right words. Or the best ones.
But I believe them. And I want him to. And others...
And see them.
And I want to see when he does.
"Don't take those beautiful eyes away from me. I just got them back."
They open again slowly... but the pain and fear in them is the same. And the sorrow. And it hurts so much...
But I can't let it break me.
"You scared me. For a little while there. I thought you wanted to leave me. But that was ridiculous... for me to think that... even for a second. Because you never would. You love me too much. And you know I love you too much. And you'd never do that to me. Take you away. Before we finished our forever. The one we barely started."
He looks down at his hand in mine.
And my other over the top of his.
The one that wears his rings.
My promises.
My vows.
That I hope he hears as he stares at them.
The ones I silently scream at him now. Repeat again and again.
As I watch him.
This man that is my life.
The one that I chose.
And that I will fight for. Fight with if I have to. To make him believe...
That I still would.
Always would.
Always will.
As long as God gives me breath.
"Thank you for not leaving me. Even though I was silly to think you would. Ever could...
"And forgive me for being selfish. Keeping you to myself. Not letting anyone know you're awake."
He grips my hand as I start to pull away.
And I bend to kiss his.
Grateful that he can feel it.
Me.
Anything.
And isn't afraid to show me. To trust me with his fear. That I've never seen. Never felt from him. In his hands that are still strong.
And his eyes that showed me his weakness.
His fear of it.
"I'll never leave you," I whisper, my hand back on his.
His that's gripping mine tightly...
So tight it hurts.
Hurt that I don't fight to stop. Or take away.
I'll take any pain he wants to inflict on me.
Welcome it.
Endure it and embrace it.
Because he needs me to. Needs to know I can.
Will...
For him.
Because he's afraid. That he'll never be able to give me more.
Other.
Him.
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FBoFW
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Edward
My wife is a rock.
Sturdy. Strong. And tough.
For me.
Like I'm supposed to be.
For her.
Want to be.
But can't.
Now.
And maybe never again. It's what the doctors said...
Words I didn't want to hear. Didn't want confirmed.
Words she yelled at them for saying to me.
For thinking could define me.
At that moment or any.
Because she doesn't.
And doesn't look at me any differently. Or as any less.
Even though I am.
So much less than I've ever been. So much less than I promised her I'd be.
With what I was.
I'm no different in her eyes. I see no less in them. Feel no less in her touch. That burns my skin with its love.
Not pity.
None.
In either.
Not an ounce.
Or a trace.
Not like in my mother's. And my sister's.
It's all I see in theirs.
All I feel in their awkward almost-touches that they think will break me if they connect.
The me that they think already is.
Broken. Weak. And pitiful.
I even see it when they look at her.
Bella...
They feel sorry for her. For what the man she married has been reduced to.
Even my father's eyes are different. Not different with pity, but something...
An altered pride.
A less.
And less hope than I wanted to see.
His eyes don't give me much. And he takes them away when he sees me searching.
Bella doesn't.
Doesn't take anything away from me.
My beautiful wife...
She truly is a rock.
A diamond.
Rare.
Remarkable.
Priceless.
Unbreakable.
As is her love for me.
And her faith.
In me.
Like someone else's.
Emmett's.
It hasn't changed.
He's the strongest guy I know. And the toughest. Who hates weakness...
And doesn't look at me like he sees any. And doesn't look at my wife with pity.
Emmett loves Bella. He fell in love with her the moment he met her.
Like I did.
But different, of course...
He told me she was special. That she'd change my life. And not to be afraid to let her.
Emmett, who doesn't even believe in that sort of thing. For himself.
But did for me.
Does.
And for her. The woman he said made me a man.
Not a better...
An a.
That he still believes I am.
Like she does.
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FBoFW
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Bella
"My poor baby... he's never going to walk again. Or play baseball. Or do anything that he loves. His life is over."
"Don't you ever say those words again in this room!"
"Bella, I've had about enough of you giving me orders. He's not even here. He can't hear-"
"I can hear you. And I mean it, Esme. Never again."
"Edward is my son. I love him. And my heart aches for what happened to him. And-"
"Then act like it! Act like a mother that loves. Act like a mother that hurts, even... but give him support. Show him faith, and hope, and encouragement... but do not show him your pity! Keep it for yourself!"
"At least I feel something for him, which is more than I can say for you! You're probably already planning your exit, and how many of his millions you'll get to take with you! And when you leave him, I'll still be his mother. And you'll just be a bad memory in his shattered life!"
I slap her so hard the sting in my own hand brings tears to my eyes.
Tears that threaten to spill over as I realize the doors are open.
Because they were wheeling Edward back into his room.
Edward who saw what I did.
And heard what she said.
And not only him...
Carlisle is on one side of him.
A nurse on the other.
And my father...
Who I didn't even know was in town yet.
And Emmett beside him, who had only stepped out for a few minutes.
And they all look stunned.
And angry.
All but the nurse, who - once Edward is secured - rushes quickly from the room and closes the door behind her.
Then the stunned, angry silence is broken.
But when Edward speaks, I know his anger is not at me. Because there's hurt in his eyes, too.
"If you ever talk to my wife like that again, you won't have a son. Apologize to her. Now. And then leave."
"Edward, she slapped me! Me! Your mother. You should be demanding that she respect me! I will not-"
"Come back here again."
"Edward," Carlisle sighs, "You know she didn't mean it. Your mother loves Bella. Emotions are high and-"
"I said she won't come back. If you have a problem with that, Dad, then you don't need to, either."
Carlisle looks apologetically at me, and nods his head at his son. "Rosalie, take your mother home."
"Dad, I didn't-"
"Let's not forget why we're here. Your brother wants her to go. Take her. Now."
Esme starts to protest, but he puts his hand up, silencing her.
And infuriating her.
She storms from the room, shooting daggers at her husband, and at me, and turning her back on her son without another word.
Rose follows behind her, but pauses at the door. "I'll be back tomorrow, Edward. I love you. And Bella... I'm sorry for what she said... "
Her words trail off, and she doesn't say any more, and I don't say anything at all, and neither does Edward, and she lets the door close behind her.
And it frustrates me...
Because I don't give a damn about what Esme said to me. I know she'll regret saying it. Because there's not an ounce of truth to it. Everyone in this room knows that. And Rose didn't need to apologize to me for it. For her mother. It's not what she should feel bad about.
And it's not why I slapped her.
I slapped her because of what she said about Edward.
And maybe I was wrong to do it...
But her words enraged me.
Her words about her son.
I wanted her to realize that she was wrong to say them. Feel the sting of it.
Know that her son deserved more than her pity.
No...
Not more than...
Different than.
He deserves none of it.
I just wanted her to understand that.
That the man lying in that bed right now is the same man that was running on a baseball field last week.
The man she was proud of.
The man she still should be proud of.
The man she believed was capable of anything...
A week ago.
I wanted her to see that he still is.
That her son...
My husband...
Is no less a man today.
But could have been.
He could have been nothing.
He could have been taken from us.
Ripped away.
The man that we both love.
Could have lost his life.
Doesn't she know that?
How much worse it could have been?
We could not have him at all...
But we do.
His life isn't over.
And I will thank God every single day for the rest of mine for not taking him from me.
And do whatever I can to help him find happiness again.
Happiness in new things and in new ways.
And I will never... ever... give up hope.
He'll never see it gone from me.
Or my passion for him. And his life. That maybe in this instance I expressed in a way I shouldn't have.
"I'm sorry," I whisper as he holds his hand out for me. "I got upset and-"
"Don't apologize for the way you love me, Bella. The way you want other people to."
He didn't just hear her.
He heard me, too.
And even though my words to her were for him...
Knowing that he heard me...
That I had to say them...
It's even worse.
It gave hers more weight.
"I'm not sorry for that," I say. "But I-"
"Should go give your dad a hug. You don't think he came here to see my ugly face, do you?"
"Hell yes," I laugh, "You're his favorite person in the whole world. With the most beautiful face. As you know."
"Second favorite, maybe," he smiles, "And second most beautiful face. And get over there so he can see the first."
"It's okay, Edward," my dad says, coming up beside me and wrapping his arms around me. "I put her in your hands... and I knew from that moment on that she'd never leave them. Not for anything."