Chapter Six: Footsteps

Edward

"That wife of yours sure is stubborn."

"You mean your daughter that you raised to be that way?"

"The very one."

"Yes, she is."

"Yet you still got her to listen to you. I'm impressed."

"That's because I put my foot down." I laugh at the absurdity of my words and Charlie smiles instead of giving me the piteous half-smile I might have gotten from most anyone else. And I'm grateful for it. Like I am for his stubborn daughter. "And she only listened to me because I don't do that very often, if ever."

"Still getting her way most of the time?"

"Come on Charlie... you know how hard it is to say no to that face."

"Yes, I do. And I imagine the ones she gives you are even harder to resist."

They are.

Impossible.

And unbearable to think that I may never see some of them again.

…

FBoFW

…

Bella

"I'm done, let's go back."

"You've had two bites of that hamburger and maybe three fries."

"And now I want to go back to the hospital."

"He'll kill me if I take you back now."

"No, he won't. He wanted you to make sure I ate something and got some fresh air. I've done both. Your mission is complete."

"Two bites of a hamburger and a couple of fries doesn't constitute eating something."

"Yes it does. And we're sitting outside, so-"

"I'm not Edward, you know. And I don't give in that easily. Eat."

"And I don't take orders from anyone but my husband."

"Your husband is wrapped around your little finger, so... What kind of orders do you take from him exactly?"

"I'm going to tell him you asked me that, Emmett... and then he really will kill you."

He laughs and takes a huge bit of his hamburger, gesturing for me to do the same. And I do... a very big and unladylike bite. Which makes him laugh again.

"You know that's why he married you, right?"

"Shut up," I say, my mouth still full of food.

"Actually, if I recall correctly, and to further prove my point, he proposed to you just a few hours after he watched you eat a hot dog."

"Coincidence. And again... Shut. Up."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, pretty girl."

"I'm not doing that so much these days."

All humor falls from his face and he nods his head. "I know. And he knows that, too. And he knew I couldn't force you to rest, so at least do this for him."

"I'd do anything for him."

"I know, Bella. And all he wants is to see a little color in your cheeks and not hear the rumble of your dwindling stomach."

"Dwindling? My stomach is flat, thank you, and it always was."

"It used to be flat, now it's concave. And my boy doesn't like it."

"Okay, I hear you."

I know he's right, my clothes are fitting a little looser these days... or maybe a lot looser, but as long as Edward is still confined to his hospital bed, by his side is where I'll be. Lavish or well balanced meals are the least of my concern, and by no means a priority.

"He has enough to deal with. Seeing you waste away right before his eyes is adding stress and worry he doesn't need."

"I said I hear you."

"Okay. Just making sure you're listening."

I am.

To things I hear and things I don't.

Things Edward doesn't say.

Things that, with every passing day that he can't get out of that bed, scream at me from inside of him.

From his eyes and the touch of his hand and the ever changing rhythm of his breathing.

I'm listening.

And I know things are going to get rough...

When the day comes that he can't hold it in anymore.

…

FBoFW

…

Edward smiles when we come into the room.

"I stuffed her like a Thanksgiving turkey," Emmett announces proudly. "I even got her to eat an ice cream cone."

"Good man," Edward says, then reaches for my hand. "Thank you for being a good girl."

"You mean for letting you get a break from my face?" I tease, "Well, I'm a little hurt by the fact that you wanted it, but I'll get over it, I suppose. Eventually. As long as it made you happy."

"I think there was something in your ice cream, sweetheart... because you're talking incoherent nonsense. I'll never want a break from your face."

"Likewise. So, how was your male bonding time with my dad? And where is he? He wasn't supposed to leave you."

"It was good. We talked about you, and how stubborn you are. And your face, actually. That we both love. And he's only been gone about two minutes, Warden. He had a phone call. Sue had a washing machine emergency. It grew arms or something."

"Sounds scary."

But not nearly as scary as those things I can't hear...

But do.

…

FBoFW

…

Edward

"I want you to go home, Bella. And sleep in our bed."

"No."

"Yes."

"Aren't you getting tired of this nightly conversation, Edward?"

"Yes, I am. So, be a good, obedient wife so we don't have to have it anymore."

"I don't want to sleep in it without you."

"But I would sleep better if I knew you were. I don't like to see you sleep on that stupid thing. Or not sleep, more accurately."

She purposely avoids looking at the miserable excuse for a bed that she's been laying her head on every night since the morning I left her in ours. Every night, that is, that she doesn't fall asleep in the chair next to me with my hand cradled in hers.

Every night after we have this same conversation.

Every night that I give in and let her.

Every night because I give in and let her.

Which I'm not going to do again tonight.

"I'm not asking you, Bella."

"Don't do that, Edward."

"Go home, take a long, hot, relaxing bath, and crawl into our bed. And tomorrow morning, after you've had a peaceful night's sleep, and a good breakfast with your dad, you can come back and let me see your beautiful, rested eyes."

"I'll sleep, I promise. I-"

"Yes, you will... at home."

"Edward, please-"

"No. Now, give me a kiss goodnight and get out of here."

She leans down and rests her forehead against mine, a pout on her mouth, and her eyes sad and pleading - and I nearly crumble - but I won't give in this time. I can't let myself.

Not because I don't want her here. It would be so much easier to beg her to stay with me, to never leave me, but I can't do that. "I'll see you in the morning?"

Her simple but not "Mm-hmm" response nearly kills me, and threatens my resolve a second time - which is exactly what she meant it to do - as does the kiss she gives me now. A kiss so full of devotion it would damn well make me weep... if I weren't trying to be so damn strong.

"Goodnight," she whispers against my mouth, "I love you."

And I can't explain the why, even to myself, that I don't say anything.

Why I watch in silence as she grabs her things and walks to the door.

Why, when she turns back to look at me, I just stare at her and watch her walk through it.

Or why it hurts so much that she did.

Let me push her way.

Order her away.

Or why...

I did.

…

FBoFW

…

I can't sleep.

My eyes won't close.

And won't stop moving.

From the bed she doesn't sleep in to the empty chair beside me.

To my hand...

That can't feel her.

Because I sent her away.

Without any words.

And without the ones I haven't shared with her.

I've felt things.

In my legs.

Twitches.

Tingles.

Seconds of hope.

That left me as quickly as they came.

I haven't told her about them...

Because she already has hope.

And I don't want to give her reason to have any more.

And have it crushed.

Because the doctors told me it might not mean anything.

But I know she'd never accept that.

That it didn't.

She'd think it meant everything.

And that we'd get it back.

The everything that was taken from her while she slept in our bed.

That I left her in.

And that I may never return to her in.

I'd give anything to have that day back...

The chance to choose her.

Before it was too late.

To turn back before I walked through that door.

Instead of on that rain-slickened road.

Something else I haven't told her.

And something I never will.

She can't ever know.

That she's in our bed alone because I turned around and went back to be there with her.

…

FBoFW

…

Bella

I haven't been in our house in weeks...

Other than to shower and change my clothes, before rushing straight back to Edward's side.

I haven't wanted to be here without him.

I've spent a lot of time in our house alone...

But it was different then.

It was just for a night, or a string of a few at a time.

Never for weeks or months.

And never not knowing I'd eventually hear his footsteps telling me he'd come home to me.

Being here without him now is so different...

In every possible way.

I don't know when he's coming home this time. Don't know how many nights I'll have to spend without him. How many nights I'll have to sleep without him next to me. And don't know if I'll ever hear his footsteps in this house again.

I can accept the fact that I may not...

If that's what our future holds.

But I have hope.

And knowledge that he doesn't know I have.

Things he's been hiding from me.

Even when they've happened right in front of my eyes.

Edward has experienced feeling in his legs.

It goes quickly...

But he's had it.

It's come.

Emmett told me.

And that he didn't want me to know.

Didn't want to get my hopes up.

And as much as I want to yell and scream at him for keeping me in the dark about it...

I don't say a word.

Because I don't want him to think his best friend betrayed him.

Edward's accident has shown him how many true friends he has. And the longer he doesn't get out of that bed of his own power, the fewer there seem to be.

His teammates were flooding the hospital in the beginning. As much as their crazed schedules would allow. But as days turned into weeks, there are only a small handful that still come.

I think most of them just don't know what to say. And others just can't handle the look in his eyes when he asks them about a game. A game they know he wished he'd have played with them. A game he should have...

And there were others that couldn't stand to look at him at all. Their team captain that couldn't lead them anymore. A few even seemed angry about that. Like it was his fault. His fault that they're a little lost. Without him. And that they have. They've lost every game but two since his accident. The media's come down hard on them. And so have the fans. Said again and again that he'd been carrying them. The man who could do it all, and did, but couldn't anymore. That their team was nothing without him.

It enrages Edward to see and hear those things. And me to see firsthand that some of them even bought into it.

I kicked more than one of them out of his room.

And he let me.

Before he kicked me out tonight.

And sent me home to our house that his footsteps won't break the silence in.

The silence that I try to break in other ways.

Like with the washing machine that holds our sheets that I stripped off of our bed.

The ones I wanted to leave on.

Because the last time we were in them...

Edward did do it all.

But as much as I wanted to, to wrap myself up in them would feel like I'd given up hope.

Something I'll never do.

And never lose.

For him.

…

FBoFW

…

I tried to do what Edward wanted.

Took a long, hot bath.

Climbed into our bed.

But I didn't sleep much.

I tried...

But I just couldn't.

It started to rain at around midnight.

Thunder and lightning and the whole works.

A storm much like the one that brewed the last time I was in our bed.

But unlike the last time, I wasn't oblivious to its warning.

I climbed from the bed and added a pair of shorts to my simple sleep attire of one of Edward's t-shirts.

I wandered the house...

Our house that Edward loves...

And tried to figure out how wrong it would be for him if he couldn't walk through it.

What changes could be made to make it right for him if he didn't.

Not because my hope for him to is any less...

But because not considering the reality we could be faced with would be selfish.

Irresponsible.

And unfair.

To him.

I would need to move our bedroom downstairs.

Or see if an elevator could be installed to take him up.

In case.

Furniture would have to be moved to create more open spaces.

Less intimate, but better.

For him.

In case.

I'd have to rearrange our kitchen. The places we keep things. Make sure nothing he wanted or needed was out of his reach.

Just in case it was shortened.

There's a lot to be done.

A lot to prepare for.

If that hope he didn't want me to have is crushed.

I just have to figure out how to do it all...

For him.

Without crushing his.

…

FBoFW

…

I get back to the hospital a little later than I expected to.

I had a nice breakfast with my dad like Edward told me to.

And even took an extra few minutes to add a little color to my cheeks - since my eyes would give away the order I hadn't been able to follow.

But that's not what made me late.

My mind was in overdrive.

With all of those things I might need to do.

And the time I would have to spend away from him to get them done.

And the guilt I felt for thinking about it.

And the argument my mind had with my heart that to not was wrong.

But all of that disappears when I open Edward's door...

Because he's laughing.

And I haven't heard him do that in a while.

Emmett is in the room with him.

And his next closest friend and teammate, Jasper.

A newspaper in front of them.

"Good morning, baby," Emmett says with a ridiculous grin, making Edward punch him in the arm.

"Baby?" I ask, not understanding the joke.

Jasper bids me a quick and polite good morning, but laughs as he lets Edward say his, and hopefully explain.

"If Emmett hadn't been here for the last hour, I might be worried about how long it took you to get here," Edward says with narrowed eyes before he smiles at me. "But he has been, so I'm not. Good morning, beautiful."

"Good morning. And I might be sorry about being a little late, but that far-more-beautiful-than-me laugh I heard makes it hard to be."

He pulls me down for a kiss and then hands me the newspaper with a chuckle.

There's a picture of Emmett and I on our ordered-by-my-husband lunch date. And a ridiculous headline about the horrific betrayal of the not-so-loyal-wife and the best friend of Seattle's golden boy, while he lies wounded and broken in his bed.

I barely skim the article before shoving it at Emmett, knowing he's without a doubt the one who brought it here. "Why did you even bring that? It's not funny."

"You can't be mad at me, Bella, it made Edward laugh."

"And as much as I loved hearing that, the Edward I married would be angry, not amused. So, I guess I just don't get it."

"Hey," Edward says, grabbing my hand, "I am, and my lawyer has already been called, and my agent, as well as Emmett's. We'll own their asses by noon, for slandering you. But behind closed doors, and only to us, the absolute absurdity of it is a little funny."

"Your mother thinks I'm a gold digger, and now the rest of the world thinks I'm a heartless adulteress...

"Forgive me if I don't see the humor, Edward, but by all means, laugh your heart out. I'd deny you nothing that makes you happy."

"Bella-" Edward starts, as Emmett and Jasper both mutter apologies and make to leave us alone, before I hold my hand up to stop them all.

"No. It's not about me, and I shouldn't have made it. Or spoiled the party. You guys stay, I'll go...

"I'm sorry, Edward. I don't ever want to be the reason you stop laughing."

But as I ignore his protests and rush from his room, all I can think is how much it hurts to be the reason he started again.

And to not.

…

FBoFW

…

Edward

I don't know how many times I screamed her name...

But Bella didn't stop or come back.

And then I was screaming someone else's, as the cruel reality that I couldn't run after my own wife smashed into my chest. "Emmett! Go get her!"

That was over two hours ago.

And wherever she went, he didn't find her.

Didn't bring her back to me.

And she's still not here with me now.

Not by my side.

The only place I'll ever want her.

The only place I know she really wanted to be.