AN: Welcome to Chapter 2 of my Crack!fic! A special thanks to my BEAUTIFUL reviewers: .., boredlittlestudent, and scubarang, and also thanks to the lovely folks who have added this story to their favorites or alerts (I won't list your names here in case you like to read crack!fics on the downlow). Your support keeps me motivated! Thank you!!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is JK Rowling's, Final Countdown is Europe's, You're Beautiful is James Blunt's.

Chapter 2: An Awkward Meeting

Just as Voldemort was about to pitch a hissy fit for being left alone too long, he was struck with a moste brilliante idea. He smiled to himself in satisfaction, eager to let Lucius know his idea so that he could get a pat on the back for his genius. "Oh Luciusss!! LUCY!!!!! I need you to come here for a wee moment, for I have something rather important to discuss with you!" He called in a sing-song voice to Lucius, who reappeared looking severely pissed off several moments later.

Lucius' grey eyes were narrowed in fury. "Never… never…. ever…. call me 'Lucy' again," Lucius hissed, trying his best not to look too agitated, though the bright red tint of his face and the way his eyes bulged out with rage gave him away just a little bit. "Now, what in GOD's name do you need to tell me?"

Voldemort grinned. "I have the perfect way to bring the Potter boy here."

"Excellent, my Lord," Lucius said with the content, slightly dazed look he always got when he thought about murdering Harry. "Shall I summon the other Death Eaters?"

"No, that won't be necessary," Voldemort replied giddily. "I prefer we use a much subtler method, a much more fool-proof way to bring the Potter boy here that won't risk the bodily harm of one of our number." Lucius nodded his head in agreement. "I suggest," Voldemort continued, "that we send the Potter boy a type of bait, a letter, perhaps, to make him believe his presence is, for whatever reason, desperately needed here," Voldemort watched Lucius excitedly for his reaction, hoping he loved the plan as much as Voldemort did.

Much to Voldemort's disappointment, however, Lucius didn't seem entirely smitten with his plan. "Erm…" Lucius tried to articulate his objections in such a way that Voldemort wouldn't get offended and Avada Kedavra him on the spot.

"Yes??" Voldemort whispered impatiently.

Lucius hesitated. "It's just that, well, I don't think Potter can be lured from the safety of the Order so easily. Don't you think a letter would be a bit rash?"

Voldemort pursed his lips together. This was not the answer he wanted to hear at all and, he wasn't going to lie, his feelings were a little hurt. "Lucius, I've been stalking this kid for like 17 years now, I *think* I know what I'm doing," he said angrily. "Besides, it's not like you have a better plan, anyways!"

"Actually, my Lord, I was thinking we could maybe-"

"NO! NO, YOU DO NOT HAVE A BETTER PLAN THAN I DO!" Voldemort jumped up and down on the couch like a spoiled little girl and dug in his robes for his wand. He saw the panicked look on Lucius' face and calmed down a little bit. "I suppose I set myself up for that one, didn't I?" He asked in a tone he supposed sounded like a caring uncle or a fatherly grandfather. "All I meant was that I like calligraphy, stationary, and penmanship, so I think a letter would be a really excellent way to bring Harry to us," he smiled and fixed Lucius with the best puppy dog eyes he had.

"Very well, my Lord," Lucius said meekly, not quite sure whether to be terrified or amused at the Dark Lord's complete lack of sanity. "My wife has some stationary you are more than welcome to use," Lucius left and returned quickly with a roll of parchment held triumphantly in his left hand. He approached Voldemort and placed the parchment on the table in front of him, hoping beyond hope that the paper and quills were to the Dark Lord's liking.

"Sterling, Lucius, just sterling," Voldemort said, rolling out Narcissa's stationary so that he could begin writing the ransom note. "This should be easier than taking candy from a baby," he assured a reluctant Lucius, and the two men sat together to begin their well thought out ransom note.

Seventeen Red Bulls and four hours later, the ransom note was finally complete. Voldemort looked in awe at the fear-inducing handwriting, the harsh words, and the pleasantly floral scent that covered the hot pink parchment that they had written on. The note read:

Dear Harry,

I have taken your best friend and cousin Dustin Durlsey hostage and am keeping him here in this undisclosed location ::coughmalfoymanorcough:: for the day. I plan on returning him safely home before we eat at approximately 6:00pm, so there is really no need for you to come find me…. BUT IF YOU WANT TO, I am here. Alone and extremely vulnerable. Best Wishes,

L. Voldemort

Voldemort grinned brightly. He grabbed an albino peacock out of Lucius' coat closet, fitted the phony letter on the poor bird's silver-sequined mail carrier, and tossed it roughly out of the window, yelling Harry's address as it flew away.

"Potter won't dare risk losing another one of his precious relatives to my schemes," he whispered. "This is the perfect trap."

Lucius looked doubtful. "Surely not, my Lord. No one is stupid enough to fall for that…"

Approximately 2.8 minutes later, however, an angsty knock on the front door rang loud and strong across the Manor. Voldemort turned his head and saw through the window the outline of a scrawny, black haired emo kid standing on Lucius' front porch. "See?" he said triumphantly as Lucius went to answer the door. He was both excited and scared to see the man who had somehow managed to beat Draco in seducing Ginny.

Harry Potter entered Lucius' living room. His untidy black hair had grown a few inches over the summer, his jeans were torn at the knees, his trainers were white but had some mud on them and, well, you get the idea.

Harry stood, wand at the ready, and narrowed his eyes the moment they made contact with Voldemort's.

"YOU!" he roared, opening his mouth to hex Voldemort with whatever curse he could think of. He was, however, quickly shut down by the bigger, longer, and much more skillful hand of Lord Voldemort.

"Harry FUCKING Potter" Voldemort spat. "How is it that you, a skinny boy with no extraordinary talent, managed to bang the most sought after witch of all time? How did you manage to serenade Ginny Weasley, leaving Draco Malfoy to cry himself to sleep every night?"

"Wow, Chamber of Secrets much?" Harry sneered

"Shut up. What I mean is that you have no right, no right at all to be with Ginny in canon, yet somehow, inexplicably, you are." Voldemort said, trying his best to hold back the tears. "It just really doesn't make sense to me, Potter, and because of that, you need to be killed."

Harry's eyes widened in horror. "WAIT! Wait, I think you've got the wrong idea here," he yelped. "I mean, clearly Ginny and I are meant to be together-NO!" Harry roared as he saw Voldemort start to mouth the words 'Avada Kedavra' with his wand pointed directly at Harry's throat. "No! Just hear me out!" Harry pleaded desperately.

Voldemort lowered his wand. "Potter, I've been arguing with Harry/Ginny fans for far too long. I will give you 15 seconds, no, make that 12 seconds to tell me why you should be with her."

Harry sighed. "Ginny and I were made for each other! She's like a little sister to me, and everything about her strongly resembles my dead mother."

Voldemort blinked. "Erm…you really aren't helping yourself out much here, you know that right?"

"Umm, well, ummm," Harry said anxiously, hoping against hope that a well-timed interruption might happen and give him a few more minutes to live.

As if to answer Harry's prayers, a stunning Draco Malfoy suddenly opened the door, the song 'Final Countdown' by Europe playing triumphantly as Draco waltzed into the living room. Voldemort, Lucius, and even Harry were all quite taken aback by Draco's undeniable beauty. His silvery blonde hair was tousled to the side, flowing as if moved by a constant breeze. His grey blue eyes were wide in surprise, but very prettily so, as he observed Voldemort, Harry, and his father in the scene before him. His body, hard and sculpted from years of playing Quidditch, resembled the relaxed stance one might find in a Michelangelo sculpture, and his unbelievably handsome face had that classic Malfoy smirk on it as he noticed Harry, pleading for his life in front of Voldemort.

"Alright, Scarhead?" He drawled, laughing as Harry got all whiny and emo the way he always did when Draco insulted him.

"Shut it, Malfoy. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Harry squealed as Malfoy picked up a large rock and looked as if he were about to throw at Harry's face.

"You were saying, Potter?" He sneered.

Harry growled in frustration and pointed his wand at Draco, but was thwarted as Draco threw his large rock with an athlete's precision at Harry's wand, breaking it cleanly in half.

Harry snarled viciously and lunged himself at Draco, completely disregarding the fact that Draco was taller, blonder, and much better looking than he was, and therefore clearly more likely to be the victor of any altercation between them. Draco threw down his wand and eagerly met Harry in the challenge.

"Get off of my son, you filthy half-blood!" Lucius roared, beating Harry with his pimp cane to try and help his son.

Voldemort opened his mouth in surprise and turned, enraged, to face Lucius. "Whoa, Time out! Time the FUCK out, Lucius! I am sooo not cool with you and the other death eaters using the word 'half-blood.' I mean, come on!" He pointed wildly at himself, "am I invisible to you people??"

"Forgive me, my Lord. It will not happen again," Lucius apologized profusely

"You bet your sweet lilywhite ass it won't," Voldemort snarled, turning back to watch the fight.

Just before Draco was about to soundly kick Harry's ass in their little skirmish, Harry suddenly remembered the reason he came to the Manor in the first place. "By the way," he said, pulling himself away from his fight with Draco, "what happened to my cousin?"

Voldemort looked confused. "Dustin?"

"No, Dudley."

"Oh, I don't know. I never actually kidnapped him. I just said I had him here so that you'd come rushing over to fight me. I knew you'd fall for it."

"Wow, I think you've stooped to a new low," Harry said. "This is just like that time I lost Sirius except somehow more humiliating."

"Isn't it, though?" Smiled Voldemort, recalling said event fondly.

At that moment, Draco went to stand by Harry, Voldemort, and his father. He looked slightly nervous, like he had to tell them all something very very random. This time the song 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt began playing as Draco opened his mouth to speak.

"People, I have an announcement I need to make. Ginny Weasley and I are getting married."

AN: Whoo! Cliffhanger! Don't worry, I pretty much know what I want to happen in the third chapter, so I will definitely update much quicker than I did last time! Review and I'll love you forever!