Twilight is SM's. Sorry is mine. More than you realize.
Chapter Seven: Sorry
Bella
"Can I talk to you before you go in there?"
I turn around to see my mother-in-law, today's rag of rumors clutched in her hand. "About that? No."
"I'm sorry, Bella," she says as I turn my back on her, "So very sorry... "
"Then you should go back home. Because your sorrow isn't welcomed here."
"I'm not talking about my son. I'm talking about you, and the hurtful things I said to you. The horrible, vicious things I didn't mean, could never mean, and should never, ever have said."
I spin back around to face her, and call her on her lie. "Didn't mean? You meant every word. You were just waiting for an opportunity to give some validity to your suspicions...
"Your true thoughts about me - that I've known about since the beginning - but that I stupidly believed that I had managed to change. Don't apologize to me, Esme. It doesn't matter that I was wrong, and it doesn't matter how wrong you are - and always have been - about the way you see me.
"What matters is the way you see your son. And the faith and pride you don't have in him. He's the one that you should apologize to, not me. He's the one you hurt."
"My son won't even see or talk to me... because of you. He-"
"And you think throwing some empty apology at me will change that?"
"Empty? Bella... I said I was sorry because I am. There's no excuse for what I said to you. And certainly no validity in it. You're the best thing that ever happened to him. The best thing in his life. And there hasn't been a day since he married you that I didn't know that."
"You mean since the day after he ripped up the prenup you had drawn up and threw it in your face?"
"I really wish he hadn't told you about that... "
"He didn't. Emmett did. And how much it hurt him. How much you hurt him with your lack of faith in him. Like you still have now. And you're still hurting him with."
I don't give her a chance to respond, or say anything else, and walk into my husband's room. The one I ran out of hours ago...
And that I'll never leave again.
Unless he tells me to.
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
"I'm sorry."
I never heard those words from my wife's mouth - other than in a playful game - until I was in this room, stuck in this damn bed. She's never said them to me. Never had to. Has never done a thing to be sorry for.
Never...
And hearing them now hurts. And knowing that she thinks she has.
Hurts, like the fear that it's for the wrong reason.
"Don't be sorry for being hurt, Bella. Never apologize to me for how you feel - or how I make you feel. If you're going to be sorry for anything, be sorry for running away from me... when you know I can't run after you and bring you back."
…
FBoFW
…
Bella
The time of night is coming when Edward will tell me to leave him.
The ticking of the clock thunders in my ears, every second that passes like a jackhammer on my head.
And my heart.
And every part of my body.
Because I hate it when he makes me leave him.
I hate the empty feel of our bed without him in it.
And the cold that settles on my skin without him near.
It doesn't matter how long it's been since I fell asleep in his arms.
Or how long it still may be until I can.
He'd let me if he could. I think.
But knowing that he chooses not to let me see them empty and missing me is hard.
I fear that it's getting easier for him.
For me to not be there.
And here.
Or anywhere...
With him.
"Come here," he says quietly, pulling on my hand that already grips his tightly for as long as it can.
I let him pull me to a stand and lean over him, trying to conceal my hurt as I kiss him sweetly.
The goodnight I leave him with every.
"Not this time," he says, pulling me onto the bed with him.
"What?" I ask, not understanding.
"I want you to stay with me tonight."
"You do?"
"Yes, Bella, I do. It's the last night I get to choose."
"You choose every night," I remind him, still confused.
"But tomorrow I won't have a choice."
Edward is being transferred to a rehab facility tomorrow. And I won't be able to see him like I do now. Won't be able to spend my days by his side. Or my nights, even if he'd let me.
"It's hard not having a choice," I say, but regret it instantly. "I'm sorry, Edward... I-"
"Don't be sorry. It is hard. You don't have to hide that from me. In fact, I order that you don't. Or leave."
"Okay. That's easy."
"Is it?"
"Not leaving you? Of course it is. It's the easiest part of my life. Easier than breathing, even."
"I wish I could say that asking you not to was just as easy for me."
"You never have to ask me not to. You just have to stop telling me that I have to."
"I love you, Bella. Please never forget that. No matter what else I say."
"I know you do, Edward. And I promise I won't." Ever.
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
I couldn't tell Bella to go home tonight.
Couldn't bear to see the hurt in her eyes again.
Or be the one to put it there.
Again.
I told her I didn't want to not have a choice.
The choice I won't have tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next...
Because I needed her to know, that when I did, it was her.
Words that are getting harder for me to say...
The longer that I can't show her.
I've never been the kind of person who gave up...
On anything.
And certainly not when I wanted something.
And I'm not giving up now...
But I'm struggling.
I wanted to walk out of here.
Not be carried out.
Or wheeled.
I wanted to do it of my own power.
Wanted Bella to see me do it.
Instead of see me fail to.
Bella's never seen me fail before.
Never known I wanted something and watched me fail to claim it.
If you asked her, I know she'd say there's nothing I can't have. And nothing I can't do. If I wanted it enough. Or at all.
She believes it's that simple for me. Knows that the hardest thing I ever worked for was making her love me.
The greatest challenge of my life.
And my greatest accomplishment.
Bella loves me.
I know it every time she looks at me.
Every time she smiles at me.
Every time she speaks my name.
And even when she doesn't.
Like now...
When she lies silent and achingly still in my arms.
The way she fell asleep.
Still, because she was afraid she'd hurt me somehow if she moved.
And silent, I think, because she was afraid that the sound of her would make me change my mind and hurt her.
But neither of those things will happen.
She can't hurt me. Unless her movement is to leave me.
And I won't change my mind.
Because I don't want her to leave. I never want her to leave. I never wanted her to...
And don't as I lie here with her...
Feeling her...
Her head on my chest...
Her hair beneath my arm around her...
And over it...
Like her hand over my heart...
I feel her.
And don't...
Her legs...
That I can't against mine.
But that I remember the feel of.
The entanglement of.
The shelter of.
The want and need and love of as they pulled me closer to her...
Pulled me deeper inside...
Held me.
And kept me there.
Begging me never to leave her.
I remember...
I'll never forget.
But wish I had the chance to choose again.
The choice to not fail us both.
The chance to ask her to stay...
Instead of forcing her away.
...
FBoFW
...
I know this is the first time Bella's slept peacefully in weeks.
Because it's the first time I've let her sleep with me.
Not just in my room...
But in my bed.
In my arms.
Where she never asked me if she could be.
And wouldn't have.
But where I had to have her.
Despite the rules that said I couldn't.
It made her happy that I broke them.
For her.
And for me.
And that I asked my dad to bring her a pair of scrubs to sleep in.
And that he did.
And then told everyone to leave us alone.
The doctor speaking for the father speaking for his son.
He understood what I needed.
And I think Bella will understand what I need now.
As a man.
And her husband...
Who needs to be.
Both.
In whatever way I can.
It's why I need to wake her, even though I hate to.
Because I won't walk out of here tomorrow.
Or maybe anywhere, ever again.
And knowing that hurts.
And that there are other things I may never again be able to do.
With her in my arms.
Peaceful.
And devoted.
Whether I will or I won't.
It hurts so fucking bad...
The choices I might not have...
The desperate, debilitating pain of their possibilities and nots.
And the excruciating need I feel to fight them.
That I need to fill...
Soothe...
The only way I can.
My fingers move over her face, and she stirs slightly, a smile forming on her mouth.
Her eyelids flutter as I move them down her neck and along her arm.
Her lips part as I slide them under her shirt against her skin.
A soft moan flows through them as I feel every inch of her.
And her eyes open slowly as I reach her breasts.
Meet mine as I tease and torment them.
And tell me she understands.
What I need and what I want.
From her.
And for her.
What isn't enough, but what has to be.
What I pray will be as I untie the drawstring bow that keeps it from me.
And me from her.
And slide my hand inside.
And between.
Closer, but not where I need to be.
And not where I need her to feel me.
Not quite.
Even though she does.
The damp satin against her, proof.
I'm not the only one who wants.
And needs.
Her leg trembles in my hand as I pull it over me.
Rest it on mine.
And I look away from her for a moment...
From her eyes, down...
To see it there.
Because I can't feel it.
I could stare at it for hours.
Remembering what it felt like...
When I could.
And she'd let me...
If it was what I needed.
But she knows it's not.
Not what I need most.
She knows...
That what I need most is for her to remember...
What I feel like.
The only part of me I can give her now.
At least here...
In this now.
When I feel her hand on my face.
And look up to meet her eyes again.
That are so filled with love and devotion it hurts.
They tell me she'll never leave me.
No matter what I become.
Or what I already have.
No matter what she can't feel...
But now I need to make her more than ever.
Feel something.
And slide my fingers beneath the last barrier.
Into the tears her body cries for me...
The ones she doesn't hide from me.
And doesn't fight to hold back.
They fall freely into my hand.
Drench me.
As I cradle her.
Tell her I love her with every gentle stroke.
And every not.
I watch her face as I touch her.
Her eyes that she fights to keep open.
Her mouth that she doesn't.
Her breaths flow from it uneven and unrestrained.
And then don't as I slide one, and then two, fingers inside of her.
Because she sucks it in.
Like her body sucks me in.
The only me she can have now.
That I know isn't enough...
But that I try to make.
While I still have the chance to.
While I still have her...
And the fear that someday I won't.
Fear...
That flows unrestrained from my mouth...
Even as she comes apart in my hand.
Because it's all I can give her.
"I'm sorry, Bella... "
xx
Ouch, Edward.
x
E/N: I'm sorry, too. Because updates to this, and every other story I write, are going to come even slower than before. My laptop suffered a catastrophic injury over the weekend. It was accidental and heartbreaking, and as much as I wish I could turn back time and stop it from happening, I can't. And as you can hopefully understand, that is going to make delivering updates very difficult for me. This only comes to you now because it was close to finished. It's the last thing that was. And as for my broken laptop... I don't have the means to replace it, or even to take it in to see if it can be resurrected. I wish I did. Believe me, I do. Because having lost it hurts. I considered putting everything on hold indefinitely - fearing I had no choice but to do so - but I don't want to. And I'll do my best to keep from having to do that. Somehow. If there's any possible way. That being said, I ask for your patience and understanding. I'm sorry.
CM