A/N: I'm SOOOO sorry this has taken so long to update! I had a very evil accounting project to do and I wrote this chapter but it was too stupid even for my standards so I had to rewrite it again. Sorry for the wait! I'm a terrible updater! ::smacks self::

Much thanks to my oh so cool reviewers: deceivingrumour, SugaryTears, LovingEmerald, Mel-Darcy, Eternal Passion, BlackCat 2468, and Narutofang91. I love you all 5ever!!!!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all characters are JK Rowling's.

Chapter 3: Fire & Icecrotch

At that moment, Draco went to stand by Harry, Voldemort, and his father. He looked slightly nervous, like he had to tell them all something very very random. This time the song 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt began playing as Draco opened his mouth to speak.

"People, I have an announcement I need to make. Ginny Weasley and I are getting married."

***

Draco let out a sigh of relief after finally getting that huge secret off his chest. He stared defiantly at his father, Voldemort, and Harry, only slightly nervous about the reactions of the people around him.

Voldemort, Lucius, and Harry all looked back at Draco with their eyes bulging out of their sockets and their mouths wide open in shock. Voldemort smiled a kind of dazed smile like he didn't quite believe what he was hearing, Lucius promptly collapsed into a fetal position on the floor, and Harry actually started crying.

"You son of a bitch, Malfoy!" Harry spluttered through his tears. "Ginny would never even date you, let alone marry you!"

"Is that what you think, Potter?" Draco looked amused.

"YES!"

Draco raised an eyebrow. "Ginny never told you about that guy she dated after you left Hogwarts," he whispered.

"She told me enough," Harry sniffed. "She told me you killed him."

"No. I am the guy who dated Ginny."

Harry opened his mouth in horror. "That's not true! That's impossible!"

Draco smirked. "Search your feelings, Potter. You know it to be true."

"NOOOO!" Harry yelled as he began to cry uncontrollably. He closed his eyes and stepped forward blindly, trying to use the Force to inflict bodily harm on Draco. Unfortunately for Harry, however, that this fic was in no way intended to be a Star Wars cross-over, and the fact that Harry was closing his eyes did not help him summon the force at all, though it did make him extremely disoriented and unable to see where he was going. He quickly realized this sad fact as he tripped over a delicate aspidistra by the fire place and face planted onto the cold, hard, 1,000,000,000$ per square foot marble flooring of the Malfoy Manor den.

Draco rolled his eyes at Harry's idiocy then turned to face his beloved father, who was still curled up in fetal position, rocking himself back and forth on the floor.

"My only son… My only son… This is all some kind of sick revenge for my failure at the Department of Mysteries, I'm sure of it," Lucius whispered a little psychotically as he began pulling on his platinum blond locks in desperation.

"Oh, come on, Father," Draco drawled. "After all those times you walked in on me and Ginny shagging, this really shouldn't come as that much of a surprise to you."

Lucius shook in revulsion. "Please don't remind me of that…" he begged.

"HOLD UP! They did WHAT and WHY was I not informed of this????" Voldemort came out of his blissful trance at this revelation and put his hands on his hips to glare at Lucius.

"Forgive me, my Lord, but it's not exactly something you brag about to your boss," Lucius muttered.

"Alright, Malfoy, I understand your sentiments, but I will seriously Avada Kedavra you next time you leave me in the dark about your son's sex life. Next time ANYTHING happens between Draco and Ginny, you had better tell me ASAP, seeing as JK Rowling probably won't…" Voldemort added darkly.

Lucius merely shook his head and continued to rock back and forth in his stupor.

At this point, Harry's tears had dried up a little bit and he was able to pull himself up from his spot by the fire place. He turned furiously to face Draco, refusing to accept the attractive blond's alleged claims of Drinny.

"You know what, Malfoy? I don't think I believe you," he spat, wiping away the fat tears that leaked from his green orbs. "I think I'm going to go ask Ginny. At least she'll be honest with me."

Draco smirked. "Fine by me. But I'd suggest you not go anywhere, seeing as Ginny has been in my room this entire time waiting to be introduced as my fiancee."

"She's here??" Harry cried in disbelief. "She's in Malfoy Manor? What the Hell kind of sick game did you play to get her here?" He demanded.

Draco gritted his teeth in annoyance, "I already told you, we're getting marr-"

"AHHH, DON'T SPEAK! I'll ask her myself! GINNY!!!! Ginny, my Love??" Harry called into the long, dark hallway leading out of the den. Time was starting to go by and Harry was becoming increasingly nervous at Ginny's lack of response. Draco tried his best to hold back the laughter as Harry became more and more frantic in his calls for Ginny.

"GINNNNNYYYYY!!! Where are you????" Harry continued to yell, looking all around for any sign of Ginny. "Giiiiinnnnyyyyy!!!!??? OH- there you are!" Harry sighed in relief as a confused looking Ginny appeared right behind him, the flowery smell Harry recognized from the Burrow now engulfing everyone in the room.

"Hi, Harry, what's up?" She asked him, panting and looking mildly pissed off.

"Ginny, thank God you're not hurt," Harry said, engulfing Ginny in a bone-crushing embrace. "But what the HELL took you so long to get here???"

Ginny sent Harry a death glare. "I came here - as fast - as I could," Ginny tried her best to get out the words, breathing heavily like she had just been running. "but this is a huge - fucking - mansion…it takes - time, Harry."

"Right," said Harry, immediately going in to full hero mode. "You're in great danger, we've got to get you out of here. Voldemort's here." He added importantly, jerking his head in the Dark Lord's direction.

Ginny turned her head and smiled as she noticed Voldemort for the first time standing beside a hunched over Lucius. "TOM!" She called out and ran over to hug the Dark Lord.

"GINEVRA!" Voldemort gushed as he eagerly met Ginny in a warm embrace. The two stood there for a while chatting like a bunch of school girls at a reunion, much to Harry's surprise.

Harry looked back and forth in bewilderment at Ginny and Voldemort, completely aggravated by the whole situation. "Have you people all lost your fucking minds??!!" He finally spoke, lifting his hands up in exasperation. "I mean Ginny he tried to kill you in your first year with that awful diary of his! Don't you remember??"

Ginny reluctantly stopped her conversation with Tom Riddle and looked up at Harry. "Oh, that," she giggled. "Yeah, at first I thought he was trying to kill me too. I mean, I kept doing things without remembering them, like blacking out and finding myself in the Slytherin common room wearing nothing but skimpy lingerie, and once I actually woke up naked in Draco Malfoy's bed having no idea how I got there." Lucius put a hand over his mouth as if he were going to vomit as Ginny continued. "But then Tom started writing things like 'I love ferrets' and 'Draco is such a catch, you should really give him a chance,' and I realized he was just trying to set me up on a date, to put some 'fire in my ice,' if you will, and help me get together with a great guy!" Ginny grinned at Voldemort, who gave her an eager Thumbs Up in return.

"But Ginny!" Harry whined, the emo-ness creeping back into his adolescent voice, "We belong together!"

Ginny snorted. "Bleh, no way. Harry/Ginny makes me die a little inside."

"Same here," Draco said, going to stand by Ginny.

"Yes, I third that!" Voldemort stated enthusiastically.

"Harry/Ginny does suck…" whispered Lucius, a little more optimistically.

"So you see, Harry?" Ginny said soothingly as Draco held her hand. "Draco/Ginny is meant to be. It just fits better with the overall series, plus Draco and I look really hawt together, don't you think?" Draco and Ginny started cuddling and that song "Tale as old as Time" from Beauty and the Beast started playing to lighten the mood, much to Harry's 'chagrin.'

"Isn't it beautiful?" Voldemort sighed taking out a D&G embroidered hankie and dabbing his eyes with it as Lucius excused himself and began dry-heaving in the bathroom. Voldemort, feeling very Kumbaya at Draco and Ginny's love for each other, suddenly remembered something that would make both his and Harry's lives much easier.

"POTTER!" He sang joyously. "Do you realize what this means??? I don't have to kill you anymore! Draco and Ginny love each other, so our enmity was just a big misunderstanding!"

Harry snorted. "Wtf are you talking about?? You've been trying to kill me and my entire family since circa 1979!!!"

"I know, I know," said Voldemort hastily, "but it was all just a misinterpretation of this prophecy I heard at the Ministry-"

"I know all about the prophecy," Harry snapped.

"Oh, somehow I doubt that…." Voldemort muttered. "Look, anyways I'm hella sorry about all this me-you-attempted death cycle that I've been engaging you in for the past 17 years. Do you think you and I could still be friends?" He held out his hand for Harry to shake. "And you know, maybe we could forget about the whole horcrux-schmorcrux thing," he added with his high-pitched, girlish laugh.

Harry cocked his head to the side, shivering slightly like someone who was very slowly going crazy. "… NO! No fucking way, dude! I don't know HOW I always end up in these fanfics where everyone has lost their Merlin damned minds and I am somehow the bitch of the situation, but seeing as I can't get out of this crack!fic, I'm going to go to sleep in one of the Malfoys' spare bedrooms and hopefully bum some dinner one of their house-elves. PEACE!" Harry ranted in a mad sort of way before running as fast as he could towards what he hoped would be a spare bedroom.

Voldemort blinked. Wow, that kid has some serious issues, he thought to himself. He looked contentedly at the blond and red-headed lovers, who had been making out this entire time and were now beginning to ahem "get jiggy" on the couch (because they are obviously the type of people who would do that without really caring who was watching). Voldemort grinned as he left to let Drinny do their thing. Once he got into the hallway, he jumped up and down ecstatically and twirled around, happier than he had been in years because, after all, he had a wedding to plan!

A/N: There we have it! Chapter 3! I hope you enjoyed it! And I will really really try to update soon, but as you can see, I'm a horrible updater and I'm sorry!!!!

Disclaimer 2: Star Wars scene is from Star Wars, Crazy-Lucius scene is a reference to Crazy-Narcissa, Tale as old as Time is from Beauty and the Beast, and 'chagrin' is from Twilight (a reference I just had to include, I heart Twilight)