Some love is real. This one, anyway.
Chapter Eight: Between All and Nothing
Edward
I haven't absorbed any of what they've said or showed us.
Because I can't stop looking at my wife's face. Because she is absorbing it.
She's paying close attention to every detail of this place that's going to keep her from me.
And me from her.
A place that will change everything for us.
The place that will either give us hope...
Or smash it at our feet.
If mine can't meet hers.
Step beside her.
And sometimes in front of her...
Making sure the steps she takes will be safe.
I haven't paid a second of attention to this place...
But I hate it.
And the power it has.
To tell me I don't.
…
FBoFW
…
"Mrs. Cullen, it's time for you to go."
Bella looks at the nurse like she's spoken a different language.
And like she wants to kill her...
But then she looks at me.
And just looks like she loves me.
"She doesn't know the rules," I tell her, and she smiles, even though I can see her fighting back tears she doesn't want to show me. And then I say the words I don't want to say, because I have to. Because she needs to hear them. From me. "But I do. And it's time for you to go, sweetheart."
She nods, and holds her breath for a moment. Then lets it out. With another smile. And with words I know she doesn't want to say, either. "Okay. But only because you say so."
…
FBoFW
…
Bella
I needed to hear Edward say the words.
Tell me I had to leave him.
Because no one else ever could. I'd never accept it.
I wouldn't accept it from him, either, if he really meant them...
But I accepted the ones he said. And the way he did mean them.
Because we have to follow someone else's rules for a while.
Instead of just our own.
Rules that I know were made for him. And other people like him.
Because they need things that all of the love in the world can't provide.
Edward needs more than I have to offer or give him.
And I had to leave him in that place so he could get it.
Except I didn't leave.
I made it as far as the stone path that would lead me away from him and couldn't go any further.
My eyes are glassy, and glued to the large double doors that separate me from my life. Locked it away from me. Him...
To help him discover his new. Without me.
I've never felt more alone as I stand here with the hard stone beneath my feet. Or more helpless.
Or more lost.
Because my place is with him...
But I'm out here...
Where I was made to come...
Where I'm not.
But also not as alone as I thought...
There's a hand at my back.
"Did he tell you to come?" I ask, even though I already know the answer.
"He said not to let you stand here for too long."
"I don't want to... just stand here... I want... "
"I know. And he knows."
"But they won't let me."
"He would. If he could. You know that. He'd give you the world... "
"He is the world, Emmett. To me. He-"
"Wants to be more. If he can."
"He can't be more. He's already all."
He sighs and his hand slips around my waist, pulling me gently into his side. "That's why everything is going to be okay. And why you don't have to stand here. Why you can turn and go. He knows what your choice would be, Bella. Where you'd be, and where you'd stay, if you could."
"Does he?"
"Of course he does. And he knows you'll come back here, to him, every chance you're given to, until the day you can take him with you when you leave."
"I hope you're right. That he does know."
"I am. And he does. And you know that he wouldn't want you standing here like this."
I nod, because I do. And when he gives me a gentle nudge in the right direction, I force my legs to move. Which sends the tears unbidden down my cheeks... because it's something Edward may never again be able to do.
…
FBoFW
…
My legs wouldn't carry me all the way to my Jeep... but Emmett did. And then climbed in and drove me home, where his monstrosity of an SUV was parked and waiting. Where he brought it and left it.
Because he knew I'd need help leaving that place.
A push.
Or a lift.
Or Edward did...
And made sure someone would be there to give me what he couldn't.
Someone who's still here and still trying to give me something. Anything. Because he loves his friend. And would do anything for him. And me.
"Rosalie is a fool. I just want to go on record and say that."
"Because she spent four years of her life with me?" he laughs.
"No. Because she let you go after she did. You're a great guy, Emmett."
"Well, thank you. That's quite a compliment coming from you."
"It's the truth. You really are. And she should have seen that."
"The only thing she saw is a man that wouldn't get down on one knee and pull a ring out of his pocket."
"I know she wanted that, but... to just... " I can't even finish my thought, because I just can't comprehend what she did. Or after, when she didn't get her way.
"She thought she could force me. By giving me an ultimatum. She was wrong."
"Everything or nothing isn't a fair choice to ask someone to make. Or tell them they have to. There's so much more than that. Filling every inch of the between... "
"And that, Bella, is exactly why I didn't give it to her. Because she doesn't see that. The between. The other. The more. Or the enough...
"Rose isn't like you. But she wants what you have. You and Edward... she wants it. It or nothing. And I couldn't give that to her, the it, because we didn't have that. I love her, but not enough to pretend I didn't know that.
"She doesn't love me like you love Edward. Isn't capable of it. I'm not everything to her. Not all, like you said earlier. And if it was me where Edward is right now... she wouldn't have had any trouble leaving me there today. She would have had trouble going in the first place. Or ever going back.
"You'll love Edward whether he stands up and walks out of there carrying you in his arms, or whether he never can again. But she'd have never waited around to even see which one it would be. That's the only thing she forced me to see. That's the choice I made when I chose nothing. Because that's all we really had. And all I really was to her."
I think back to one of Emmett's games early last season. Edward was away for a three game series, and I'd flown home after the second for the start of the school week. The Seahawks were playing on Monday night that week, and Rose and I went to watch Emmett play - something she rarely did, and I usually did with Edward if he was home and not playing a game of his own.
Emmett was having a great night, and had made some huge game-altering tackles, but then toward the end of the third quarter, he didn't get right up after one. I stood there with my hand over my mouth and tears pricking my eyes as the trainers ran out onto the field. He wasn't moving and I was scared for him. Terrified...
But when I looked over at Rose, who I thought was standing next to me, much the same way, she was in her seat, looking, not worried, but pissed off. "It's Monday Night Football, for fucks sake, he needs to get up. He's embarrassing himself - and me - in front of the whole goddamn world."
I couldn't believe my ears.
Or my eyes later that night, or the next day, and for several after... because a cameraman had apparently panned to us in the stands and caught Rose's less-than-concerned reaction to what was happening to her boyfriend on the field.
The media had a heyday with it.
"Thanks for worrying about me, Bella," Emmett had said to me the next night in our living room, leaning over Edward and kissing me on the cheek, after the clip flashed across our television screen for the thousandth time. He was okay, he'd just knocked the wind - and wits - out of himself for a few minutes and scared the shit out of almost all of us for nothing. "It's nice to know someone was."
Rose immediately got up and left, slamming the door behind her with a "Fuck you!"
And no one got up to stop her. I did feel a little bad for the beating she was taking in the media, but part of me felt like she deserved it, and I didn't say a word when Edward told her as much when she had showed up expecting sympathy from him.
She'd made her own bitch-bed and she was going to have to lie in it alone. Much like she is now, because Emmett moved out the day she gave him the ultimatum of 'Marry me or say goodbye'.
All or nothing...
With no regard for the everything between that was enough before she needed more.
No...
She's not like me...
And she'll never have what I have...
"What are you thinking about, Bella?"
What I still have.
And will always be what I need.
Edward...
No matter what.
"Everything, Emmett. Everything... "
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
"Your life sure has changed, huh, Superstar?"
"Brilliant observation there, Asshole."
"We're all assholes. And all trapped on the same sinking ship. We-"
"I'm not trapped on any sinking fucking ship."
"Sure you are, you're just up on the upper deck where your feet are still dry with false hope that the rescue ship will arrive before the water reaches you and you drown with the rest of us."
"You may be drowning, but I won't be joining you in those murky depths. I can swim, and-"
"Not anymore, you can't. You can't even tread now. You-"
"You have a fucking problem with me?"
"Not at all. I'm a fan, actually. Or was... like you were a hell of a ball player. I'm just here to offer my expert advice and save you some time. Don't waste any of yours on hope. If you were going to walk again, you would have done it already. And the sooner you accept that, and that that pretty wife of yours that looked so beautifully sad when she left you here a couple of days ago will someday sooner leave you and never look back, the better off you'll be. She-"
"Say one more word about my wife and it will be your last."
"I get it, Cullen... I do... you're still in that between place. The after the crash - no pun intended - but before the burn. But let me share a statistic with you. Every one of the unfortunate bastards sitting here came here with a wife, or a fiance, or a girlfriend... and out of all of us... not one of us still has a wife, or a fiance, or a girlfriend. Not. One."
"Well, Assho - What's your name?"
"Mike. Mike Newton."
"Well, Mike Newton... " I pause and look at the faces assembled around us, the ones that, a minute ago, told me my instant tag of 'asshole' was dead on, but that now tell me that, asshole or not, his last words were those of painful truth. "... that's a real shit statistic, and while I'm not insensitive to it, I'm going to smash it. My baseball career may be over, whether I ever walk again or not, but my life isn't. The life I share with my wife, who is, and is my rescue ship, and is already here, and would never leave without me."
Because her legs are strong enough to stay.
And she'd never leave...
Never again...
Unless I told her to.
...
FBoFW
...
Bella
"How's my beautiful girl?"
"I'm okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. How are you?"
"Worried about you."
"I promise I'm okay, Dad. Don't worry."
"I'll come back if you need me."
"I know you will, and thank you, but you just left. I'm sure your wife missed you and is happy to have you back."
"Yeah, she missed me so much that she had Seth and one of his buddies move my favorite chair into the garage while I was gone."
"She did not!"
"Oh yes she did. So, I've slept in it ever since I got home, right there in the garage."
"Dad! That is not good for your back!"
"No, but the massage I got tonight when I came home from work was. And the giant porterhouse steak that greeted me not long after was good for my belly, that I'm sitting in my favorite chair - that also greeted me, back where it belongs - rubbing, while I wait for my apple pie to cool."
"Well, I'm glad she's making it up to you, and I certainly wouldn't pull you away from that."
"But I will come. You know that, don't you, sweetheart? If you need me there, you just have to say the word?"
"Yes, Daddy, I know."
"I love you, baby girl."
"I love you too."
"And I'm very proud of you. How strong you're being for Edward."
"Thank you for saying that... but I've had my moments."
"You're human, Bells. And you're dealing with a lot. And that's why I'm worried... I don't like you having to do it alone."
"I'm not alone. I have friends... that I can call if I need them. And Carlisle. And Emmett's around. A lot. Every day, actually."
"Well, that makes me feel a little better. And at night?"
"At night... I put on one of Edward's shirts and crawl into his side of the bed... and pray."
…
FBoFW
…
"How's my beautiful girl?"
"That's funny, my dad called an hour ago and asked me that same exact question."
"That's because you were his before you were mine. And what did you tell him?"
"That I'm okay."
"Are you?"
"Yes. Are you?"
"I miss my wife."
"She misses you, too. And besides that?"
"Besides that is shit."
"Do you want to talk about that shit?"
"No."
"Okay."
"I just wanted to hear your voice."
"Well, that you can have whenever you want it."
"I always want it, Bella. And to know that you love me."
"I do. Always. More every day. And it's yours. Even when you can't hear my voice tell you. And even when everything else is shit. It's always yours, Edward."
"That's what gets me through the days."
"And the nights?" I ask, much like my dad asked me.
"The nights... I close my eyes and pray. That I'm not imagining it all. And that I am... "