Chapter Nine: Questions and Answers
Bella
"Can I come in?"
"I don't think so."
"Please? I-"
"No."
"Okay, Bella. I don't want to argue with you... but can I at least ask you... How is he?"
"You should ask him how he is."
"He still won't let me. Anything. I went to that place to see him... and just like you, they wouldn't even let me through the doors."
"Then you should ask your husband."
"I'm asking you, Bella. Because I want to hear the answer from you. The hopeful answer... that comes from love and nothing else, not the practical one that Carlisle would give me because he can't forget he's a doctor."
"I can't give you the answer, Esme. Or my hope. You'll have to find your own. And earn the right to walk through those doors. And this one."
…
FBoFW
…
"Bella. Wow, you finally answered your phone. I've left you a dozen messages. Why haven't you called me back?"
"Nothing to say, I guess."
"Nothing to say?"
"No, Rose, nothing to say."
"Why not?"
"Because your messages were nothing but whining pity parties - which I don't have time for, and pleas for sympathy - which I don't feel. For you."
"Well, excuse the hell out of me for having my own problems and wanting a friend who cares - who's also my sister - but who seems to have forgotten that!"
"I'm your brother's wife. I assure you I'd never forget that."
"Are you sure, Bella? Because you sure have been busy with his best friend while he's not around to puppy after you. You know... Emmett? The man who's at your house every day? The one who ripped my heart out?"
"You ripped your own heart out. Though I can't say with any genuine belief that you actually have one. And be careful, Rose... be very careful what you say to me."
"Or what? You're going to tell my brother not to talk to me? Like you did with his own mother?"
"I don't tell Edward what to do. Or how to feel. And certainly not how he should deal with his family. He makes his own decisions. The ones that are right for him."
"You wouldn't even let her in the door! Of his house!"
"It's our house. And he, and his feelings, will be respected in it, regardless of where he is."
"That's rich, Bella. You won't let his mother in - the woman who loves him... who gave him life - because of some claim of respect... but Emmett's SUV was there last night until almost midnight! What kind of respect was my brother being shown then? Huh? What do you think he's going to feel when I call him and tell him about that?"
"Well, Rose... I think he'll feel shock. It's not every day that he gets a call from his sister. For any reason."
…
FBoFW
...
Edward
"You can't outrun me, Bella."
"Certainly not, baseball boy."
"And you can't hide from me."
"No, I know I can't do that, either."
"Then why are you trying to?"
"I'm not," she says, breathless and flushed, peeking out from behind a tree, "I just want to see how hard you'll try to find me and catch me."
"You should already know," I tell her, and stalk towards her.
"But maybe I don't," she says and takes off again.
I catch her easily and she squeals as I crush her against me. "I'll never give up until I have you. And I'll never stop asking until you say yes. Marry me, Bella."
"I could... but how do I know you don't only want to marry me so you can have me?"
"You don't. You just have to trust me."
"Said the lion to the lamb."
"Said the lion to the lamb he loves."
"And how many lambs did he love before her?"
"None. And he'll love none after. He's a one lamb lion."
"He's a liar."
"He's not. He would never. He loves her too much. You. I love you. More than life itself. And I want to marry you. And have you - I don't deny that - but only you. Forever."
"Forever's a long time."
"Not long enough."
"Would you chase me forever? If that's how long it took to catch me?"
"Yes."
"Would you?"
"I said yes."
"Then prove it."
"How? Tell me how and I'll do it. Anything to make you believe."
"Let me go."
I let her go and she starts running again...
Away from me.
And I stand watching her with a smile on my face. Because I believe she wants to trust me. Wants to say yes.
To the question I've asked her a dozen times.
She's just afraid to.
Afraid that it's just another game to me.
That she is.
Like the one she's playing now that isn't.
And after a while, she turns and looks back...
To see...
And I watch the laughter fall from her beautiful face when she sees me still standing where she left me.
And it kills me...
How much it's not a game to her.
And I start to run...
Like my life depends on it.
Because it does.
Everything does.
And she won't see me not for another second.
To her.
After her.
For her.
Her, who is the one not moving now.
Because she does want it.
To be caught.
By me.
Who, when I do...
When she lets me...
She pulls to the flower-covered earth with her. On top of her.
"You scared me," she declares through trembling lips, "I thought you gave up."
"I told you I never would."
"I know. I was afraid to believe that."
"So, why did you make it so easy for me to catch you?"
"Because then I was more afraid not to. And not to let you."
"Even though you are?"
"Yes."
"I promise you don't have to be afraid. Of anything. You can trust me, Bella. To love you. I'll love you in ways you could never imagine. Only you. Forever. I swear I will. If you just let me."
"I want you to."
"You do?"
"Yes."
"That makes me very happy, Bella. But I wish you'd say another yes."
"Then ask me another question."
"You know the question."
"Maybe I don't."
"You do."
"I will... if you ask me. Again. I promise I will."
I look at her...
Down into her face...
Her eyes...
Glistening and vulnerable pools of love...
That's depths show me her surrender...
And her perfect pink mouth...
That still trembles...
But not with fear.
With anticipation.
She wants to say it.
The yes I'll never have to ask for again.
Even though she made me so many times...
After the first I thought she couldn't possibly say no to.
She wants to say the word I've waited for. That I'd wait forever for if it took that long.
But that won't.
The one I now know I'll never have to chase her again to get.
But would...
As long and as far as I had to.
She wants to...
"Will you marry me, Bella? Please? Will you?"
"Yes, Edward. I will marry you. And you will have me. Only. And love me in ways I could never imagine. Forever. Because it's just too exhausting to run from you, and I can't do it anymore. And don't want to. And never really wanted to, if you didn't already know that."
"So, my first proposal was worthy of a yes?"
"You know it was. I was just too afraid to say it."
"And now?"
"I was too afraid not to."
"Why, sweetheart? Why were you afraid?"
"What if you never asked again?"
"You know I would have."
"No... but I know I love you too much to risk that you might not have. And my dad too much to break his heart any longer."
"He said yes the first time."
"That, I know. He worships the ground you walk on."
"And chased you on."
"And caught me on."
"But he'd probably shoot me if he saw me laying on it with you."
"You mean on me. And yes he would, so put that ring on my finger and get off. I can't marry you if he kills you."
"What makes you think I have it with me?"
"You always have it with you. And even if I didn't know you did, the iceberg you chose for a ring is currently poking me through your jeans."
"Are you sure that's what you feel, my love?"
"It better be. Or I might get scared again and run away from you."
"Oh, my sweet little lamb... I've never been happier to know that I can outrun you than I am now."
I can't help but smirk at the look of sheer terror she now wears on her beautiful face at my playful warning...
But there's not an ounce of arrogance in my heart - or fear in hers - when I pull her up and she lets me slip the ring on her finger.
Because she finally said yes.
Because she finally believes I love her enough to keep all of the promises I've made to her.
About the kind of man I could be. And would be.
Will...
For her.
Only.
And forever.
Belief I feel in her kiss.
A kiss like none she's ever given me before.
That what does to me I could never hide from her.
Like the gasp she doesn't hide from me.
Before she runs squealing away from me.
Making me chase her again.
Both of us knowing she could never outrun me...
But that she'd let me catch her...
Even if she could.
…
FBoFW
…
I woke from the dream just before I caught Bella in my arms again.
Just before she let me again.
On that day I'll never forget.
The day I promised her I'd never stop running.
Before the one long after when I broke it.
Because I didn't run after her.
Because I couldn't.
The day she wasn't too exhausted to run from me.
And didn't stop or turn to see if I was behind her.
She knew I wasn't that day.
Just like the days after when I made her go.
When I had to watch her walk away and feel the emptiness behind her.
I wish I could go back.
Back to sleep and to the dream...
That was my life the day she said yes.
The dream was so real...
So vividly clear...
Chasing her through the trees and into the meadow.
The one she showed me the first time she took me to meet her father.
And let me take her back to every time we went back to see him.
I knew she wouldn't have showed just anyone that special place.
And I knew she wouldn't have taken just anyone to meet her dad.
I knew she wanted to give her heart permission to love me.
Wanted her dad to tell her that it was okay to.
And I wore mine on my sleeve whenever he could see me.
With her.
And even without.
Because I went to see him even when she wasn't with me.
On days I knew she was purposely keeping me away.
I went to him...
Drove hours just to tell him how much I loved his little girl.
And ask him how I could make her believe me.
That she'd changed me.
With one look, made me want more.
More than the meaningless life I'd lived before her.
On the nights after the days I'd lived out my dreams on the fields I'll never play in again.
I was a fool.
And didn't hide it.
The countless women draped all over me night after night...
The whole world saw them.
And I didn't care.
Until the day I saw her.
And had her brought to me.
When she didn't deny being a fan - it would have been hard to wearing my jersey - but made it clear that her admiration for me ceased to exist when I left the field.
And the few other choice words she had for me...
I was shocked.
Women didn't talk to me like that.
And more shocking than that...
Was that it bothered me.
A lot.
Got under my skin.
So deep that I started to spend my nights alone doing nothing but thinking about her.
I'd met her once...
For a few minutes after a game that I'd owned...
But instead of owning her, too, she'd insulted me...
Put me in my place - far away from her.
And she was all I wanted.
And all I would ever want again.
I was never with another woman after that day.
Even though I wasn't with her, either.
She wouldn't give me the time of day, even after months of spending my nights in celibate-for-her misery.
No, she couldn't see what I was doing, but she would see what I wasn't.
And so could my teammates. And their wives, one of whom told me one day that Bella was a first grade teacher at her niece's school.
She said I'd finally earned the information. And not to waste it.
I was at the school the next day, paying a surprise gift-bearing visit to her classroom.
I had t-shirts and jerseys and caps for all of the kids, and balls signed by the whole team.
And I had flowers for their beloved Miss Swan, that I'd taken the time to pick myself, instead of buy. I wanted her to notice that. That she was worth my time.
I told the kids that I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the whole world, more beautiful than any princess in any fairy tale - because I knew what little girls dreamed of, and that my heart was broken because she wouldn't go on a date with me. And that it was so broken that I didn't think I could play in our next game - which secured the boys.
They were instantly on my side. All of them.
She was so mad...
And made me stay after class and clean erasers while she sat at her desk and tried not to smile at my flowers, or at me while I smiled at her, covered in eraser dust.
Because she had agreed to go on a date with me the following week. And a bus full of first grade chaperones.
Our first date was a field trip with her class.
That happened to fall on the only day that week that we didn't have a game.
It was the best date I'd ever been on. And I was completely in love with her by the end of it.
I wish I could go back...
And relive every moment I ever spent with my wife.
Every single extraordinary moment...
Until the one that cost her her husband.
The day I stopped running after her.
And stopped loving her in ways she can only now imagine.
The day I broke all of my promises to her.
Because I was...
Broken.
…
FBoFW
...
"Man, I love working with someone that ain't a whiny little bitch, it makes me love my job."
"Good, then shut up and do it."
"It's done. That's enough for today."
"No."
"Yes. You've had enough."
"I'll tell you when I've had enough. Let's go."
"You'd kill yourself before you'd ever admit it, which is why I decide when we're done. And we're done. We'll get back at it tomorrow."
"I want to get back at it now."
"No can do."
"Come on, Crowley, I felt something."
"Is it the first time you felt something?"
"No."
"And it won't be the last. You worked hard today, and-"
"I work hard every day."
"Yes you do, and I give you mad props for it every day, but it's enough today, dude. Go get cleaned up."
"I don't want to get cleaned up. I want-"
"Isn't your wife coming in less than an hour to see your ugly ass?"
"Yes. But we have time. Just ten more minutes."
"Use that ten minutes to jack off. So you can smile pretty for her when she gets here."
"That's not funny."
"It wasn't supposed to be. It's good advice, so go take it."
"Fuck you, Crowley."
"Why the hell are you getting so bent out of shape, Cullen?"
"You're an asshole."
"Why am I an- oh."
"Oh, my ass. Go to Hell."
"Hold on a minute, Cullen... it wasn't a dig at you. Has your dick not gotten hard yet? Since the accident?"
"You know damn well it hasn't!"
"How would I know that? We've never talked about your dick before."
"I said it's not funny, you fuck."
"And I said it's not supposed to be. I wouldn't joke about that shit. I take my dick very seriously."
"Are you enjoying yourself?"
"Knowing that you think you never can? Hell no."
"Then get off my dead dick."
"It's not dead, Cullen. Maybe it hasn't woken up from its nap yet, but it's not dead. Haven't you talked about this with anyone? Asked questions?"
"There's nothing to talk about. Or ask."
"No? Are you sure about that? Because something we have talked about is your wife. A lot. And I think a man that much in love with a woman should be talking about it. And asking questions. Asking questions until he runs out of breath. And listening... getting answers, instead of assuming he knows them already. You should be talking, Edward... about everything... for yours."
…
FBoFW
…
"Bella?"
"Hi, baby."
"Where are you?"
"Trying to get to you."
"Are you okay?"
"There was an accident. I-"
"An accident? Are you hurt?"
"No, sweetheart, not me. But I can't get through. And there's no other way there. I'm stuck. I've been sitting here waiting for them to clear the road."
"Thank God you're okay. You scared the hell out of me... "
"I'm sorry. I promise I am. I'm just frustrated."
"It's okay. But can I tell you something?"
"Of course. You can tell me anything."
"I was afraid you weren't coming."
"Not coming? Edward, nothing could keep me away from you. And if this road isn't clear in five minutes, I'm going to get out and run to you."
That's so much better than away... "I'll be right here, Bella... waiting... as long as it takes... "
Helplessly...
To catch you.
Because I can still do that.
Even if only.