Chapter Ten: Words Unspoken
Edward
"You said you were going to smash it... you sure didn't waste any time. Or maybe I should say your wife didn't."
"What did I tell you?"
"I believe it was that she would never leave without you. Which is kind of funny now... you know, since she never even came back. Damn, dude, even I made it past the first visiting day."
"My wife is on her way, you fuck. You don't know shit, and-"
"Yeah... that's what we all said the first time we were left waiting... for nothing. And just so you know, Cullen... you did smash our shit statistic. You smashed it to bits. None of us was left that fucking fast."
"The only thing I'm going to smash today is your face if you-"
"Cullen! He's not worth it! Walk away. Newton, get the fuck out of here!"
"Yeah, Cullen... walk away. Oh wait, you can't."
"You're right, Newton... I can't. Just like you can't. And Uley's right, too... you're not worth it. But you know what's wrong? My wife is coming. And that smashes the hell out of what you're waiting for. Still. Absolutely nothing."
…
FBoFW
…
I've never been nervous to see my wife.
Never until today.
Until this moment...
When I sit in this godforsaken wheelchair and wait for her to come to me.
It's not the first time she'll see me in one...
She did just a few days ago. The last time she saw me, when she had to leave me in it.
But every time she has to, I feel the knife thrust a little deeper. Turn and twist and dig...
It's not what I want her to see. Not how I want her to see me.
Not now. And not forever.
Something I'm starting to fear I won't have with her.
If I stay like this. No matter what I said to that asshole Newton.
I'm nervous to see my wife.
Afraid...
That the face I remember... that I could never forget... her perfect, beautiful face... will look different to me.
And differently at me.
That her face that gets me through the days, even when I can't see it, will start to slip away from me.
Out of my sight. And my reach.
Farther and farther away...
Until it's out of my life, that I couldn't bear to live this way without.
Hurry, Bella...
Please...
…
FBoFW
…
This place is getting to me already.
The place where I don't see Bella everyday.
And see too many other faces. Hear too many other voices... the stories they tell. The mad at the world bullshit they spew...
Because they lost everything. And then lost everything they had left.
They, not me.
I was stupid to be nervous.
Wrong to be afraid.
I'm neither now.
Because my wife just ran through the door.
Not walked...
Ran.
Because walking wouldn't get her to me fast enough.
She couldn't wait to get to me.
Close enough to touch. To smell. And to soothe.
Her face lit up the second she saw me. And a smile wider than I've ever seen stretched across her face. Until she got closer...
And bent down to take mine in her hands and smother it with kisses.
Kisses that made their way to my mouth...
And chased everything else away.
Everything but how much she loves me. Whether I'm in this chair or not.
The one I waited for her in.
The one that I pull her into with me. And where I'll keep her as long as she lets me, which I really do believe is forever if that's how long it keeps me.
Her face will never be out of my sight. Not if it's in her power to let me see it.
Or out of my reach.
I should never have thought it would. Or could.
I know better.
She'll never take it away from me.
No matter what I let be taken from her.
She wants everything I have left. No matter how much or how little it is...
She wants me.
And she always will.
No matter what.
…
FBoFW
…
"Did you miss me?" she asks, her beaming smile back in place, as her delicate fingers trace every plane of my face.
"More than you could ever know."
"We're halves of a whole, Mr. Cullen. Broken apart and kept seperate against our will. I assure you I know."
"But you asked. So I answered the only way I could."
"Do you want to ask me? If I missed you?"
"No, I don't need to. You already told me."
"Did I?" she asks, burying her face in the crook of my neck.
"Yes, you did," I answer, pulling her tighter against me as she inhales deeply. "And you still are."
"Because I did. So much... And you feel so good. And smell so good. And... Can we freeze this moment?" she asks, her breath a gentle tickle on my neck as she rests her head on my shoulder. "Just for a little while?
I know her words are pure. Her questions vulnerable and innocent. Because she has missed me. My arms around her. My face where she can see it. Touch it. Know she hasn't lost it...
But if ever I had the power to freeze a moment in time with her, it wouldn't be this one.
With me in this place. And this chair. Knowing my wife will eventually have to walk away with me still in them.
"No... not this one. But another, maybe... if I'm blessed enough to have others with you. Different ones. Better ones... "
"You'll have a lifetime of moments with me, Edward. Just like I promised. There were no ifs in our vows. Only ands... and ors... and fors... and I said I do to all of them."
"I know. I remember... and I'd like to freeze that moment. Go back... and live in it forever."
"No... " she whispers, "Not that one. I hadn't given you all of me yet. And I'm not willing to give that up... knowing how it felt to... and how it felt for you to take it."
Did I say I wasn't afraid? That I was wrong to be?
I lied.
Because I am. I'm terrified...
Of that.
…
FBoFW
...
Bella
I'd never hurt my husband. Never for anything in the world.
Never purposely put fear into his heart. Or his mind.
But I did.
When I said the words I meant to put a smile on his lips.
The words that, instead, chased it away.
Far, far away...
And brought something else much, much too close.
I hurt him.
And I scared him.
I could feel it in his arms around me. The way they grew hard and stiff...
And loosened... let go just a little, as if they had no right to hold me. As if he didn't. And had no right to expect me to stay wrapped in them. Now...
And forever.
If...
"Baby, I didn't mean it that way... "
"It's okay, Bella."
"Edward... "
"I broke the promises I made to you. I didn't mean to, but I did. And I-"
"Stop it. You didn't break any promises you made to me. You didn't break anything. But you'll break my heart if you don't look at me. See how wrong my words came out... or how wrong you heard them."
It seems like a lifetime before his eyes meet mine again...
But I wait. Because that's what I want. And what I need him to know he won't lose.
"There's only one thing in the world that I'm not willing to give up. That I never, ever would or could. One. You. Who isn't a thing, and who would never let any come between us. Certainly not a thing I didn't mean to say the way you heard it. A way that could hurt you.
"You know better, Edward. I know you do. You know how much I love you. And you know that nothing could ever change that.
"You wanted me. Loved me. Fought for me to believe it. And you made sure I knew it every day. And that you'd never give up until you had me. All. And my promises. Promises of a lifetime. Yours and mine. Together.
"Promises I'll never break. And promises I'd never let you. You wanted me...
"And I thank God everyday that you did. And I'll keep thanking Him, forever, because that's how long you will. You're stuck with me, sweetheart. For the rest of your life, which better damn well be long. Because that's what you promised me, when I gave you mine. And I want every single moment of it."
His eyes tell me he heard me. And his arms cling to every word I spoke as they tighten around me again, and let go of the hurt that made him.
And I revel in it. This moment of understanding. Of knowledge and peace. For as long as I can.
Because we're not alone, he and I...
There's something else here. With us... and between us.
Something that I can already feel the push of.
Because no matter how desperately I want him not to be...
My husband is hurting. And afraid. "Even if I can't give you all of me?"
"Yes," I tell him, before a single second of silence can pass. Because he asked. Because he had to.
And I gave him the only answer I could. The only one that exists. And the only one I want him to hear. Today...
And forever. "Even if."
…
FBoFW
…
We made it past that moment. The one that told me he was broken. The one that nearly broke me...
And tried to make the most of our time. Because we don't have much. Today, anyway. And here. Where I'm starting to wonder if he should be.
I'm going to talk to Carlisle about that. What's best for him. And tell him that I think this place is not.
I know that Edward needs care I'm not qualified to provide him, but I don't like what being in this place without me is doing to him.
The doubts my absence is giving room to. And the fears.
He has a hard enough road to travel without anything that isn't there getting in his way.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about ways to make things easier for him. In our home... where he doubts nothing. Where he's never been anything but happy. Known he was loved. Wanted and needed. And would always be.
But maybe I haven't spent enough. Soon enough. Or in the right way.
I've been planning for the day I'll take him home. The day someone else tells us I can...
But that was wrong.
Because the only person I should be listening to is him. The man who fought to make me love him.
But doesn't have to anymore.
Because I could never not.
No matter what.
I hear you, Edward.
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
I couldn't help but ask her the question.
I needed to hear her say the word. And the ones that followed. Even though she'd already said so many... given me so much...
And even though I already knew the answer.
My heart knew. Knows...
It's my head that forgets.
My legs tell it to.
Because they can't feel her. As she sits here. With me. On me.
And because when she leaves... when she has to go... when I have to make her - which I already know I will - they won't be able to follow her.
They want to follow her. Go wherever she goes. Go back to my life with her.
My home.
Ours...
Where everything is perfect.
Was perfect.
Before I left it.
And her in it alone.
Something I don't want her to be. Any more than she does.
And something I've tried to make her not be. Not all of the time, at least.
Because it's all I can do.
"So, tell me the truth... Is Emmett driving you crazy?"
She narrows her eyes at me like she's about to let me have it for what I know is his near-constant presence, but then she smiles. "No. He's been great, actually."
"Good."
"Honestly, I've been wondering how Rose could let go of him. There's a lot more to Emmett than I ever realized."
"Being around you has probably brought it out of hiding. You have a way of making the most monstrous of men human. Or something."
"You weren't monstrous."
"Well, it's true that that wasn't one of the affectionate terms you used to describe me before you fell in love with me."
She laughs and holds her head high. "Whatever I affectionately called you before I fell in love with you was earned."
"I deny nothing."
"Because you know you can't."
"Yes, I do know that. And that I got you to fall in love with me in spite of every despicable bit of it."
"I, like you, deny nothing."
"Because you, like me, know you can't."
"Yes, I do know that. And I'd never dream of denying it... but I would like to point out that you fell in love with me first."
"Absolutely true. I loved you the second I laid eyes on you."
"No, you didn't. You wanted me the second you laid eyes on me. It's not the same thing."
"I more than wanted you, Bella. Maybe it wasn't love, yet, but it was something. Something I'd never felt before."
"Like the frustration that followed?" she asks with a devious smile.
"Yes." That is certainly undeniable.
A devious smile that turns sweet... "That you endured without a single complaint?"
"Yes. Because by then I did love you."
"More than you wanted me."
"Yes. Though I do admit to screaming into a pillow once or twice - or a hundred times - when I climbed into my bed at night alone, thinking of you in yours."
"I do that now. Or something... Though the why isn't the same... "
Isn't it, Bella?
And even if it's not... won't it be?
How frustrated will you be when I'm right beside you and give you nothing? Because I can't?
When you scream into your pillow because I don't instead of do?
I remember the times I've made you...
I'll never forget them.
Your screams...
The sound of them...
Or the feel of you beneath me when they flowed in ecstasy out of your throat and through your lips...
Ecstasy I made you feel.
And promised you I always would.
After I waited patiently for you to let me.
Give me all of you so I could.
I don't want to hear you scream, Bella...
Or hear you not...
When the why isn't the same.
The sound of that will kill me.
"Nothing's the same."
…
FBoFW
…
Bella
"Visiting hours are over, Mrs. Cullen."
"I heard you the first time you told me. So go tell someone else."
"Everyone else has already left. Because they were over twenty minutes ago, which you know. You're the only one not following the rules."
I don't give a damn about their rules. I can't leave him like this...
Thinking nothing's the same.
I need more time...
To tell him and to show him that something is. That I am. Whether he is or not.
I can't go now. "I'm not trying to break your rules... We're in the middle of something, and it's important. I'll go in a few minutes."
"If it's important it will keep. I don't make the rules, Mrs. Cullen, but it's my job to enforce them. Now, please."
"I said I'll go in a few minutes. So, you please go do some other part of your job now so that I can."
"Please don't be difficult, Mrs. Cullen. I'm simply-"
"If you don't want me to be difficult, then don't force me to be."
"I understand that the transition is hard, especially in the beginning, but our rules are established in the patients' best interest, who, in this case is your husband-"
"Do not tell me what's best for my husband. I assure you you and your established rules have no idea what that is."
"Mr. Cullen, please... if you could assist me... I don't want to have to call security, but she's-"
"Don't threaten my wife."
"I wasn't-"
"You did. And now you can go. She'll follow in a moment."
"But-"
"I said go!"
"I'll be right outside the door."
She walks through it with a huff, and just like she said she would, stands just outside of it with arms crossed.
And I want to slap her...
But I know Edward is about to tell me I have to leave, and I won't waste another precious second of my time with him on her.
"Some things are the same, Edward. The most important ones. You... and me... and-"
"You have to go, Bella."
"I know, but I need you to listen to me first. I-"
"Now."
"Edward, please... I can't-"
"You can. And you will because I'm telling you to. Unless you didn't mean what you said? That we're the same? Me... your husband, and you... my wife, that I give in to whenever I can, but that I expect to do as I tell her when I can't?"
"You know I meant it."
"And you know I mean it now."
"But I don't want to leave you when you're-"
"In control of nothing? Not one single thing in my life? Not even my wife? Who's always made me feel like a man?"
"You are-"
"Then show me I am. And that you believe it. Still."
He knows I won't say another word... now...
Not of protest, anyway. "Okay."
And watches me with a determined stare as I obediently get up and gather my things, though it's the last thing I want to do.
Or second to last...
Because the very last thing is anything that would make him feel like less of a man.
Less than he already does.
Which he's wrong about, but hurts too much to believe he is.
I'll do what he says...
Obey my husband...
Even when his orders are not the ones he wants to give me. Not like the others he has...
The ones that made my toes curl.
The ones that made his. And made him feel like a man in every way.
Honored. And worshiped. And loved completely. And...
Things he's afraid he won't feel again.
And won't make me.
I'll do what he says...
Because I know what he doesn't is killing him.
My husband...
Who thinks he can't be anymore.
All...
To me.
xx
I know... I kept you waiting a long time. Again. And maybe so long this time that no one's even here anymore. But I'm hoping someone is. And other places, where I've also kept people waiting. For something...
And I know everyone's probably tired of my excuses, so I won't give any this time. And I'll just say this: I've abandoned nothing. I could never. Just like Bella could never abandon him. Cross our hearts.
So... see you soon. Or sooner, at least.
CM
Oh, and if anyone would like to know what's going on while you're waiting... if... I have a fb page (that I did NOT make for myself) where I sometimes give information to my 'whereabouts'. And other things from time to time. It's secret, or private or whatever, so let me know if you want in.
That's all.