A/N: Mega thanks to my darling reviewers! xSugaryTearsx, scubarang, Aerileigh, imadoodlenoodle, MistressFang, Resplendent Decadence, and fyren galan. It means a great deal to me that you guys take the time to review this fic, thank you thank you thank you!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter was written by JK Rowling, not me.

Also, I know it has been an OBSCENELY long time since I have updated and I really apologize! I'm trying to get on a normal ff schedule because I do love it so :) Without further ado, I present...

Chapter Five: Voldie Victorious

Meanwhile on the other side of Hogsmeade, the same sun's rays that had so generously illuminated Voldemort's hotel room traveled west toward the ironclad gates of Hogwarts Castle. The castle loomed ominously against the picturesque, Scottish background, and as school was still in session, there was not much life around the Hogwarts gates except for a manic fox who was really going to town looking for crumbs in a leftover cylinder of Pringles.

Just as the fox had managed to unearth an almost intact chip from his cylinder, a series of loud and foreboding bangs shattered his concentration. Annoyed, he glared at the group of people who had caused the ruckus and, if he didn't know any better, seemed to have suddenly appeared out of mid air. As he tried to get a better look at them, he tripped over his Pringles carton, landing with a thud in front of a dark, heavy lidded woman with a wand.

The woman looked at the fox for a split second before shrieking, "AHHH, DUMBLEDORE!" and screaming some sort of incantation that made green light burst from the end of her wand. The fox recognized the woman immediately as the same crazy bitch who had killed his cousin down in Spinner's End, and jumped about seven feet in the air before bolting towards the castle and missing the woman's Avada Kedavra curse by mere inches.

"ARRGH, I almost had him!" Bella swore, pouting her lips and crossing her arms like a child about to throw a tantrum.

"Bella, sweetie, you have GOT to stop this. Seriously, I think those things are becoming endangered because of you..." Lord Voldemort muttered before walking forward and observing the thick, rusting gates that the fox had just run through.

"Now these, my lovelies, may be a bit of a problem," he whispered, resting his hand on the cool iron. "Rumor has it that Dumbledore has some wicked enchantments on these things. I'm not really sure what to do, so I suppose I could just, like, try and bend them with my sheer strength or something?" He bent forward and pushed so hard against the gates that his beady little eyes began to bulge from the exertion.

The Death Eaters stood there like useless idiots until the calm, deep voice of Snape broke through the silence.

"That won't be necessary, my Lord," he smirked, pulling out a bobby pin from his greasy black mane. He looked for a moment at the thick chains around the gates' opening, which were held together by a cheap lock that had obviously been purchased at Wal-mart. He fiddled the lock with his bobby pin, and after a few agonizing seconds, the gates burst open to welcome the visitors.

"It has been done, my Lord," Snape whispered. He nodded his head curtly and, with that, walked through onto Hogwarts property, followed by the rest of the group, save for a bewildered Voldemort, who could feel that Riddle temper beginning to flare.

"Coming, my Lord?" Snape asked.

Voldemort pursed his lips. "Snape?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Do you remember that time I spent almost a year cooped up in the garlic infested turban of a stuttering half wit? Do you remember that time I frolicked for the better part of the next year in the school's plumbing system?"

"I do, my Lord."

"Well...IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS" - Voldemort pointed disgustedly at the bargain lock on the ground - "BEFORE I MADE A COMPLETE ASS OF MYSELF REPEATEDLY TRYING TO GAIN ENTRANCE TO THIS GOD FORSAKEN CASTLE!"

Severus blinked. "Duly noted."

"THANK YOU!" Voldemort roared, storming through the gates to the head of the crowd and, luckily for Snape, still feeling too giddy about the impending Weasley-Malfoy wedding to stay mad for too much longer.

Inside the magestical Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the students of Hogwarts were being forced to endure another one of Dumbledore's speeches before breakfast. Dumbedore had gotten a hold of two and a half bottles of Slughorn's oldest mead, and was regaling his life story for the 512th time that year to the groggy students. He stood in front of the eagle-engraved lectern with five o' clock shadow and the back of his robes tucked into his lime green briefs.

"And then that time I was sixteen," he recalled gaily, "that beautiful boy with the jovial face and the curly blond hair. My oh my was he a looker. He had these ruby red lips. They were pretty. And what a firm bottom -"

"Now, REALLY!" McGonagall, ever the wet blanket, huffed from the staff table.

"Errr" said Dumbledore, snapping out of it and remembering for the first time that he was talking to a group of over three hundred bewildered, adolescent students.

"Right! Well, my dear young witches and wizards, we are gathered here for a rather beautiful occasion. As it's July 31st, we've got a lovely, long awaited event planned for today." He winked knowingly as Harry Potter puffed his chest out from the Gryffindor table, expecting to be given a public birthday shout out from his favorite head master.

"Yes, today is an extremely special day," Dumbledore continued, ignoring Harry completely, "because today is the day that Draco Malfoy and Ginevra Weasley will be joined as one! Congratulations, Drinny!" He yelled, blowing kisses to the young couple who were seated by a furious looking Ronald Weasley at the Gryffindor table.

"Sir!" Harry bolted to his feet. "How can you condone this? I thought you were the most loyal Harry/Ginny shipper out there!"

"Actually, I was always more of a Harry/Draco shipper myself, if you must know," Dumbledore tutted. "But this is good! With you still single and Draco off the market, I can maybe start trying out a new ship." He glanced dreamily from Ron to Harry in a way that, fortunately, went unnoticed by both of them. "Ahh, young love! Dig in, everybody!" He bellowed before turning away from the lectern and finally taking his seat at the head of the staff table.

The students at Gryffindor table began to eat their food in a frenzy, laughing and talking with everyone about the wedding which was sure to be the event of the century. Everyone seemed so excited that this couple, who were so obviously meant for each other, were about to tie the knot. Everyone, that is, except for a sullen looking Harry Potter, and an even more miserable Ron Weasley, who sat together scowling at the beautiful couple seated directly across from them. Ginny tried her best to act normal and eat her breakfast, while Draco glared obnoxiously back at Ron and Harry.

"So! That was a really fascinating speech!" Hermione Granger yelled, trying to diffuse the uncomfortable situation. "I think Dumbledore's Grindlewald story gets better every time he tells it, really."

"I totally agree," Ginny added. "What about you, Ronald," she fixed him with her best Molly-esque stare. "What did you think about Dumbledore's speech?"

Ron grumbled. "I think Malfoy is a tosser."

"Well I think I'm banging your sister," Draco smirked.

"Why you little son of a-" Ron fumbled around for his wand, but was beaten to it by Draco, who held his own wand up in front of Ron's face as Harry watched uselessly from beside them.

"Boys, please!" Hermione wailed, as she and Ginny grabbed their respective boos' arms in an attempt to make peace. "Can't you two just get along? I mean, by the end of today you are going to be family! And if we ever have children, Ronald," she lowered her voice, "Draco will be your baby's uncle.!"

Ron suddenly became very white and looked as if he were about to vomit slugs again. "Hermione, if you love me at all, we will go forward with our lives pretending that you never, ever said that. Ok?"

Hermione looked sheepish. "I'm sorry, Ron. It's just that I've been waiting to say that for a really long time and now seemed like the perfect opportunity - "

"Pefect opportunity to wreck a ferret, you mean," Ron snorted.

"Alright, Weasley, alright," Malfoy drawled, glowering at Ron. "I don't like you, but I will agree to tolerate you for now because we can both agree that we love Ginny. Truce?"

"Piss off!"

"Your infallible maturity never ceases to amaze me," Malfoy sighed.

"Wonderful. Bloody wonderful." Harry moaned. "You two are getting married and I don't even have a date to your wedding. If I don't act soon, all the good ones will probably be taken." He looked hopefully at Ron.

"You're a Weasley."

"Yes, Harry. I am"

"Well, what say you come to the wedding with me?" Harry did a ridiculous waltz in his chair as Ron crossed his arms in annoyance.

"Honestly, Harry! Next time you want for me to be your date you should ask me BEFORE anyone else does and not as a last resort!"

"...Is that a yes?"

"No, you idiot. I'm going with Hermione."

"God damn it! Could this day get any worse?"

And as if Merlin heard Harry's bitching, the doors to the Great Hall were blasted open, and in the smoke and chaos that followed, Voldemort and his minions stepped through. As Voldemort walked forward, brushing bits of dust and rubble from the front
of his robes, people's voices grew hushed, and the ceiling over the Great Hall became dark and thunderous. Voldemort grinned, waving his hands enthusiastically at the astounded crowd.

"Surpriiiise!"

A/N: Hope you lurved it! And I solemnly swear that I will update quicker next time!

Ps: For anyone who missed it, the scene with the fox and the scene with Harry asking Ron out were stolen from the sixth and fourth books, respectively. Disclaimer: This was an attempt at humor, not plagiarism. Gracias!