Chapter Eleven: Now
Bella
"Would you believe me if I told you I had my phone in my hand to call you? How's our boy? I'm assuming you left him already, or you sure as hell wouldn't be wasting your time calling me."
"We have to get him out of there, Emmett."
"Why, Bella? What happened?"
"It's what's happening. Every minute he stays in that place."
"You mean every minute he's forced to stay away from you?"
"He's afraid, Emmett. That I won't be able to accept it if..."
"If what, Bella?"
"If he can't be the husband he was before."
"I'd be afraid of that, too. If-"
"How can you say that? I-"
"If my wife was anyone but you."
"Nothing could make me leave him. Nothing but something I know he'd never do, even if he could."
"But that's a different thing, honey. And you're right, a thing he'd never do."
"I'll never leave him, Emmett."
"I know that."
"And I'll never need more than he can give me. As long as I have him, I have everything."
"He knows that, Bella."
"No, he doesn't. He did... but that place is making him forget. It's beating him."
"Well, then we'll have to bring him home to you, won't we? So you can make him remember."
"Yes. Will you help me?"
"Of course I'll help you. I'd do anything for Edward. And you, who should definitely know, and never forget that."
…
FBoFW
…
"It's an excellent rehabilitation facility, Bella. One of the best in the country."
"But it's not what's best for him."
"The transition will get easier. You just have to give it time."
"You sound like that bitch nurse. And I don't have time, Carlisle. Edward is-"
"In the best place he can be and still be close to the people who love him."
"I'm trying to tell you that he's not."
"I know you love my son, Bella. I'm grateful everyday for how much you do, especially now, but wanting to disrupt his rehabilitation because you don't like the facility's visiting hours is-"
"Not why. Didn't you hear anything I said?"
"What I heard is that you want him home. But I can't agree with you that it's where he should be, because I don't think it is. Not now. And probably not anytime soon."
"Have you even been to see him since he's been there? I'm sure your credentials as a neurosurgeon allow you certain privileges when it comes to their ridiculous rules."
"I've spoken with him, and with my colleagues about his progress."
"As a doctor."
"I am a doctor, Bella."
"You're a father, too. Who hasn't been to see his son since he left your hospital. That was your indirect answer, was it not?"
"My schedule has been-"
"Unforgiving," I say, and turn and walk out of my in laws' house.
My in laws who continue to disappoint me.
I thought they were so wonderful when I met them... and when we got married... even after what Emmett told me Esme had done...
I thought she was just trying to protect her son, and I tried to respect her for it. I knew she'd see that she'd been wrong to do it. I'd have a lifetime to prove it to her... how much I loved Edward. How much I'd give him instead of take from him. How much it was all I wanted to do... give him a beautiful life, just like the one he promised to give me.
A life of happiness and security...
The kind that comes from love, not money.
A life filled with trust and understanding and respect...
Everything he deserves...
Everything he earned from me. Again and again and again.
Wanting him out of that place isn't about me not liking their rules. It's about keeping my promises to my husband. I have to take him from that place that's taking too much from him. And take him to the one place where nothing can. The one place where his needs come first, and will always.
I have to take him home...
Where disappointment has never existed.
"Bella, wait!" Esme calls from behind me just as I open the door to my Jeep. "Please wait!"
"Wait for what? I've heard enough for one day."
"I was listening to you talk to Carlisle... and I love my husband, but believe me, he's not always right. Or sensitive to... well, anything he can't see on a chart. He focuses on facts. And statistics... and... and that's clearly not what Edward needs right now. And I know he's the one you came to, but please, Bella... let me be the one to help you.
"Because I also know that no one could know better what my son needs than you. And that you want to give it to him. Everything you can...
"Carlisle and I gave Edward life, but he took that life and gave it to you. The best decision he's ever made. The best one he ever could. And the only one that will save it now.
"I'll do anything, Bella. Anything you need. To help you save my son. Please let me? Let me earn my way back into his life? The life I know could only truly be shattered if he lost you."
"He could never lose me, Esme."
"I know that, too. And that he should... and that if he's forgetting, or doubting it for a single second, then he's definitely in the wrong place."
"You know that?"
"Yes. Of course I do."
"And you want to help me?"
"Yes. I want what's best for Edward, too. And I have absolute faith that you know what that is."
"With all of my heart, it's all I'm trying to do. To know. And be... "
"I'd never doubt that. I am sorry, Bella. For so many things... "
"And you'll support me getting him out of there?" I ask, because it's more important than those many things we can't change.
"One hundred percent."
"And him when I do?" The most important...
"I will. I swear... I-"
"I don't believe in empty promises, Esme. And neither does Edward. And there's no room for them in our life."
"I'm glad there's not. And that he has you to keep them away."
"We'll see if you are."
"Well, that's a lot more than I hoped for when I ran out here, Bella. Thank you."
"Thank yourself. It's because I finally saw some in you that I was willing to listen."
…
FBoFW
…
"Bella, Esme's here... she's waiting at the door... "
"She can come in, Emmett."
"She can?"
"It's a probationary welcome, but yes. For now, she can."
"You never cease to amaze me, Mrs. Cullen."
"That's what he said."
I smile at Emmett's back as he roars with laughter on his way back to the door to let my mother-in-law inside. Because his roar of a laugh would make anyone smile. And because I know Edward would have laughed, too, if he'd have heard me. A sound that would have been filled with love. A sound I miss. And the most beautiful one in the world.
"It's nice to hear laughter and see smiling faces," Esme says as she follows Emmett back into the dining room where we were working and planning for Edward's homecoming. "I haven't heard or seen any in a long time."
"Exactly what I'm trying to change, Esme."
"I know you are. And I'm grateful for the opportunity to try to help you, though I know you could do it without me. And are probably well on your way... it looks like you've been very busy."
"Edward is unhappy. There's no time to waste."
"Well, I didn't waste any, either. I brought a list of names... people you might consider to work with him here, if you haven't already chosen someone."
I take the piece of paper from her hand, recognizing most of the names she's compiled. "Our lists are very similar. But I've already eliminated this person. We met with her today - just a few minutes ago, actually - and she's not right."
She watches as I grab a pen from the table and scratch off one, as Emmett's laughter fills the house again. "Too pretty," he chuckles, "And eager."
"That was not why, Emmett."
"Well, if it was or it wasn't," Esme interjects, "No one ever called my daughter-in-law stupid, though she knows my son has eyes for only her."
"I do know that. And like I said, I just didn't think she was right. All eager ninety pounds of her. And I know that Edward would be more comfortable working with a man."
"I was just kidding, Bella," Emmett says, wrapping a friendly arm around me, "And she couldn't hold a candle to you, and your ninety pounds. And her eagerness was about a lot more than working with our boy, so good riddance to her. And you're definitely right, Edward would want to work with a man. No question."
"He really likes the one he's working with now. His name is Tyler Crowley. Edward's mentioned him to me several times. I wish-"
"Then consider it granted."
"He works for the rehab center, Emmett. He's not going to just-"
"Let's let him decide that." He looks at his watch and winks at me. "Which he will... when he gets here... in about an hour. He's busy with our boy right now."
"What?"
"Edward's mentioned him to me, too. So after you told me your plan, I called him. And he was very receptive to continuing his work with his favorite patient - for lack of a better term - wherever it may be."
"He was?"
"He was. I can be very charming and persuasive when I want to be. For a good cause, anyway."
"Your job was supposed to be equipment, you know?"
"I know. But?"
"But thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"You'd forget to eat."
"Is that your subtle way of trying to tell me you're hungry, Emmett?"
"I'm not subtle, Bella. I'm a big, bad, starving boy."
Esme laughs at his growl - and the more ferocious one that comes from his stomach - and transforms into the mom I remember. "I know a woman's kitchen is sacred territory, Bella, but big, bad, starving boys are my specialty. And girls... skinny ones. May I?"
"I'm not that territorial... about the kitchen... or skinny... not too, anyway... but I haven't really had time to-"
"She forgets to shop, too, Mrs. C. There's nothing in there but some moldy cream cheese and a carton of expired eggs she won't even let me touch, let alone throw away."
My mother-in-law gives me a knowing smile and grabs her purse. "Well, then it's a good thing that shopping is my other specialty. Now go throw those away, Bella... because there just won't be room for them when I get back."
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
"You're a stubborn son of a bitch, Cullen, do you know that?"
"You say stubborn, Crowley, I say driven."
"I haven't even met your wife yet and I don't think I've ever respected a woman more."
"My wife loves me. And my drive."
Me...
And my drive...
I said the words because they're true...
They came easily.
But as soon as they're out of my mouth, they turn around and punch me in the gut.
Hard.
Because they are true.
So true they take the air from my lungs.
"Hey... breathe, Cullen. Come on... slow and deep... in and out."
It takes a few minutes, but I manage to get myself under control enough - and swallow my pride enough - to plead for what I can't. "You have to help me get my life back, Tyler. And give it back to her. This isn't what I promised her... "
"For better or for worse, right? That's what you promised her?"
"Don't-"
"And what she promised you?"
"I wouldn't have let her if-"
"No? If she were here now instead of you would you love her any less? Would you regret that promise? Or go back and not make it if you could?"
"No. Hell no. But-"
"Would she? If she could now?"
I close my eyes and rip my hands through my hair with a frustrated roar.
Because I don't want to answer him. To say it out loud... that word...
The one that soothes my pain and threatens to bury me under it at the same time...
"Answer the question, Edward. Would. She?"
"No! Damn it, she wouldn't!"
"Remember that, Cullen. She deserves for you to. And for that drive of yours that she loves to not only be for her.
"No matter what you can give back to her - what I know you'll work your ass off to give back... and what I'll work mine off to help you give back, as long as you want me to - or what you can't...
"Be driven to do it for yourself. And be willing to accept yourself the way she accepts you. Love yourself the way she loves you. The man that's still a man... and still will be to her as long as you don't take him away from her."
"I'd never take anything away from her."
"Good. But you need to open your eyes and see that you're letting something else. And stop letting it."
"Don't you see me working my ass off to? You just said-"
"I'm not talking about your body, Edward - that I know has never known limits until now - I'm talking about what you're letting happen to your mind while you're here facing them. Here... a place where you don't need to be. A place you don't need to let take anything away from either of you. Do you hear what I'm saying to you?"
…
FBoFW
…
Bella
It's only eggs and cream cheese...
It doesn't matter that it's the last thing Edward made for me...
Fed me in our bed...
Just hours before he left me in it...
And didn't come back...
It doesn't matter that they're the last things his fingerprints were left on...
The last ones not wiped or washed away by something or someone else...
It doesn't, right?
Matter?
I wish it didn't...
But it does.
And I stop staring at them both, for just a second, as Emmett tucks my hair behind my ear and puts my phone to it. My phone that I was too entranced by those things that matter to even hear ring.
"Edward?"
"I only have a minute, beautiful, and I want you to tell me what you're doing right this second."
"Uh... okay... I'm standing in front of our refrigerator."
"The one I'm told there's no food in?"
"I wouldn't say no food exactly."
"You wouldn't?"
"No... not exactly."
"What's in there, Bella?"
"Well... "
"Well... what?"
"I don't want to tell you."
"And by telling me you don't want to, you just did. Throw them away, Bella."
"Edward... "
"I'm not asking you."
"I know that... but they're the last things you touched... that no one else has... "
"You're the last thing I touched. That no one else has."
"Of course I am, I didn't mean... you know what I meant."
"Throw them away, Bella. Now."
"I miss your eggs, Edward."
"I know you do. But sweetheart... those aren't mine. They're just something that's old and damaged and unhealthy for you to keep."
"But they're all I have."
"That's not true. And they're not me. I wouldn't tell you you had to throw them away if they were."
"Do you promise you wouldn't?"
"I promise I never will."
"Okay."
"That's not all I want to hear, Bella."
I take them out and drop them into the garbage can...
The sound he wanted to hear...
The one he doesn't have to tell me again so he can.
The one he has heard now because it was empty...
Like the refrigerator is now...
Completely...
And me...
Because the last thing I was holding on to...
The last choice that was all mine to make...
Was taken away from me.
By the only person in the world I'd let.
"Good girl."
"Only for you."
"I want to hear later how else you were."
"Okay."
"I mean it."
"I know. You will."
"Goodbye, my love."
"Goodbye, Edward."
…
FBoFW
...
"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Cullen. I've never met an honest to goodness angel before."
"It's nice to meet you, too, Mr. Crowley, but please call me Bella. Only my husband calls me Mrs. Cullen... usually," I shoot Emmett a wicked glance, but he only laughs. "My husband who has clearly been talking to you about me, and much too graciously, from the sound of it."
"I doubt that, Bella. And Mr. McCarty's call is proof that I'm right to. And please, call me Tyler."
"Okay... so, Emmett - that I promise you you can call him, though I know men have this thing about addressing each other with last names instead of firsts... talked to you about our concerns?"
"Yes, he did."
"And do you agree? I'm not asking you to speak ill of your facility... and I know you didn't know my husband before his accident, but you spend a lot of time with him now, and he's comfortable enough to talk to you about me when you do... which tells me a lot, besides what I hear from him... "
"I do agree, Bella. Our facility's sole purpose is to help people like your husband... and while physically it is... we're not just physical beings. And we're not all the same. Nor do we all have the same needs. And in Edward's case... I don't think it's the best place for him at this point in the game. Not that I'm saying it's a-"
"I know. Do you think I'm selfish in thinking here is?"
"No. Anything but. I think I can safely say that you know him better than anyone. And that you recognize that something is wrong, and only want to make it right before any more damage can be done."
"It's all I want. He's not in a good place... emotionally... and I can't ignore that. I know it's to be expected that he'll struggle somewhat with everything that's happened, and I was prepared for that, to help him through it in any way I could, but he's hurting in ways that I never would have thought he would. Doubting things he shouldn't. Me... himself... our future... that, for the first time since possibly the first moment he met me, I'm afraid he's seeing as separate. Because he thinks he might have to... as long as we are...
"And I don't accept that. I won't. For him or myself. Because we'll never be.
"I need to bring my husband home, Tyler. So that he can get what he needs... in a place that will show him our future instead of take it away from him. And I want you to help us both see what that future will be, no matter what it is. So that we can start living it. By our rules instead of someone else's.
"So, will you consider it? Because taking him out of that place is the best thing for Edward, but taking him away from you isn't."
"Well, if he's been gracious about anyone, Bella, it sounds like it's been me."
"You're good for him. And I'm not all that he needs. I know that. But you should know that I'll do anything it takes to give it to him."
"And you think I'm part of that 'all' equation?"
"Yes."
"I'm honored, Bella, but-"
"I don't need your honor, I need your expertise. And your Yes."
"Well, you have it regardless - my honor - and if you're offering my expertise, as you call it, a new home, then I may be honored enough to accept that offer, but I think that the Yes you want should come from Edward. Before I give you mine."
"Of course he'll say yes. He-"
"Needs to choose it on his own. Don't you agree? Mrs. Cullen?"
"He's talked to you a lot about me."
"Yes, he has. And I hope this goes without saying, but every word has been respectful."
"I know my husband, Tyler. It does."
"Good. Because I've never seen a man more in love with a woman. Or more dedicated to not losing her."
"And that's exactly why he needs to come home."
"And?"
"Make the choice to himself."
"I didn't tell him I was coming here, Bella."
"I didn't think you had."
"But I planted the seed that he needed to."
"Thank you. For understanding him. And for Yes."
"He did tell me a lot about you," he laughs, "including how often you get your way."
"That's true, I do... unless it's more important that he get his."
"Your husband is a very lucky man, Mrs. Cullen."
"My husband has earned everything he has, Mr. Crowley."
"Oh, Bella... I don't doubt that for a second."
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
"Mr. Cullen, I know you're used to special treatment wherever you go, but while you're here, you're just like everyone else. And you're expected to adhere to the rules like everyone else does."
"I made a fucking phone call, get off my ass."
"What you did was charmed that young lady into bending the rules for you the second I turned my back."
"Last I checked I didn't commit any crime deserving of imprisonment."
"No, as far as I know you didn't. You had a car accident, that left you needing our help. Which is why you're here. So that you can get it. Help that we can't give you when you're in here on the phone with your wife instead of in your group therapy session where you're supposed to be."
"The only therapy I need is my wife."
"Your doctor disagrees."
"I could care less what my doctor disagrees with."
"Well, you don't have to care, Mr. Cullen, but you do have to follow his orders as long as you're here."
"Then here isn't where I should be, and not where I'm staying... effective as of now, because I don't take orders from anyone."
"Mr. Cullen-"
"Give me back the damn phone!"
…
FBoFW
…
I'm such a fucking idiot...
Letting this place... these people and their stupid fucking rules... keep me from my life.
And my perfect wife...
Who I kept ordering away...
When she only wanted to be...
Only let me because she does...
Still...
Even though she knew I was wrong.
Knows how much of an idiot I've been...
Telling her they were our rules...
Mine...
While making us both follow someone else's.
While she suffered because I did.
Held on to things she shouldn't have because I kept...
I have no one to blame but myself.
For the pain I inflicted on her.
And inflicted on myself every time I had to watch her walk away from me.
Let go.
Make her.
The thing that I'd rather die than ever truly have to watch her do.
I boasted to Crowley about how driven I am...
When this whole time I've been going nowhere but deeper into Hell.
And dragging my wife down with me.
The Hell I'm going to stop sitting still and pull myself out of...
Set us free from.
And roll away from if it's all I can do...
With my perfect wife in my arms.
Right where she still wants to be.
Whether I am or not.
Still...
In this way that terrifies me to be...
Or a fucking idiot...
That I'm done being.
"Bella... I need you, sweetheart."
"I'm all yours. Tell me, Edward. Anything."
"Call Emmett. You're going to need his help."
"He's already here."
"Good. Now come and get me. I want to come home."
"You want to come home... now?"
"Yes, now."
"Now, as in right this minute now?"
"Do I ever mean it any other way?"
"No... you... Emmett!"
xx
I was going to issue a plea here... but you guys are great, and I'm going to have faith that my plea is unnecessary. So, I'll issue it to Emmett instead... Hurry! But please drive safe with my babies. I want them home in one perfect, happy piece.
.