Disclaimer: Don't own SWAC

Chad

xXx

I didn't know how to describe it.

She was utterly broken. I guess that's all I can say. Nothing- no words can create a correct statement about her empty features, heartbroken eyes and bored movements. She was losing it. She was losing all of it.

So I watched her. I watched her as every day went by and she slowly became even more depressed. Depression might not have been the right word. She was becoming even more blank, empty, careless.

Though I heard her cry. Every day she would come back from the studio, she would sit next to Danielle on the couch, and watch with completely bored eyes the most recent murders and horrible things on the news in Hollywood. Mom would change the channel exasperatedly and worriedly, and Allison would get up and walk from the room. I would watch from the shadows.

She goes to bed every night at eight forty-two without looking at the clock. When I would walk to bed, I walk past her door and her the softest sobs escaping the cracks in the door. I yearned to hold her in my arms, but then I wouldn't know if it was for her comfort or just my own selfish pleasure.

She was making everyone confused. The producer of So Random would pace around weirdly, wondering- I'm sure- if he had made a mistake inviting his newest cast member to the show. Of course, they didn't know about her tragedy, though. And I worried they never would. Blondie used Allison's sadness as a boost for her ego and gave Allison the rudest looks that even Chad Dylan Cooper had never seen before. The small freak would just avoid her. Dumb and Dumber would try to talk to her too, but I see in her eyes that she can realize that being with them was not a good idea.

My mom was flustered. She felt it was her obligation to make Allison regain her happiness. She knew that the happy-go-lucky Sonny had gone away with her deceased mother like I had. She made her coffee, hot cocoa, bread and butter...Allison- out of gratitude that she could barely muster up, took the food to her room and practically ate one bite, leaving the food there to stay before Danielle would come in and take the plate back out of embarrassment.

I wanted to be mad at Allison her confusing everyone. I wanted to be angry with her for making us all feel as though we weren't good enough for her. But that was not the case in the slightest. How could you feel anything other than pity and liking toward a teenage girl who thought it was her own fault for her mother's death?

It was all going down the drain.

My acting was even sliding.

She was utterly broken.

But I didn't really know how to describe it.

So now, as I stared into her lifeless brown eyes that I couldn't even call chocolate anymore, I choked.

"Chad." Her voice cracked.

I was such a teenager for noticing that we were alone in a dark hallway- completely alone. I cursed at myself silently for my behavior.

The funeral was currently taking place in the room next to us. Everything had been set up by Lucy and her- including my Mother and I. Allison hadn't even glanced at the photos or anything else put up. Our rental car (if this case was a different one, I would have rejected the rental immediately) was already filled with food that we needed to take to the hotel from people Allison knew. Some of the meals I couldn't even pass up as food, but I didn't let a single word other than "thank you" escape my lips.

I bit my lip as I stared at her.

"Allison." I whispered back.

"I can't do this."

She sounded like it was all coming down on her. All of the world had finally landed on her shoulders and she was crumbling.

Yet I admired her. She had come this far and had not shown any public sign of cracking. It only made complete sense that she would crumble when her dead mother's body was feet away from her and through a wall. What child would want to see that?

Not Allison.

Her gaze stayed firmly on her feet.

"Allison Monroe."

She didn't move.

I sighed.

"Look at me."

Her body shook. "I am not Allison."

I just shook my head, not wanting to explaining to her now. Her hands quivered uncontrollably. I wasn't good at this. I couldn't comfort very well- I'd never had to. But now Allison needed more comforting than anyone in the world. How do I approach this?

I couldn't.

"Allison," I sighed. "I'm not good at the whole comforting thing. You know that."

"You have been. For the past four weeks."

That's when she looked up.

Brown met blue.

I quivered with anticipation.

"Chad." She said quietly but quickly. "Recently you've been the only person I can really count on. I don't know why, and I don't think I ever will- but I see you watching me. And I feel safe. I-"

I put a finger to her lips. She wasn't supposed to know I was watching her. I brought my other hand up and put another finger on her chin so her eyes wouldn't escape my determined ones. So badly did I want to lean a little more- just a little closer. But then I would be using this poor girl for my own selfish thoughts- just like everyone else. She tried to be everything she could but everything she is was not enough for the world. She needed Sonny back- Sonny has that strength.

"Listen to me." I breathed, moving my hand across her cheekbone in a sly manner- hey, I can't help it- and then pressed it to her cheek. "You can't just ditch this. We'll all be here for you, and we're depending on you to give the speech-"

"It feels like everyone is depending on me." She shook her head as she scrunched her eyes closed. "And I can't do this anymore. Why does anything even matter anymore?"

"Don't say that." I snapped at her, scared at what was going through her head.

Allison flinched, and shrunk back.

"No, no." I objected, and pulled her into the close proximity we were in before. She didn't seem as comfortable. "Everything is going to be fine."

"It never will be, because she's never coming back."

"Shh. There's nothing you can do now."

I didn't know what to say!

Her expression became pained. "It's just...I can't do it. I have too much guilt."

"You don't have to feel-"

"Chad." She gave a gesture of giving up by letting her hands fly up and drop them exasperatedly. "You understand, right?"

"Allison-"

"That's not my name. Why do you keep calling me Allison?" She groaned.

I stared at her coldly and with a purpose. "Because Sonny does not feel like this."

Her expression softened, and I saw something in her eyes click together. Her arms that had been crossed now feel limply to her sides as she stared up at me with the most emotion in her eyes than she had ever had in a month.

"Now," I got ready for a big speech. "It doesn't matter if I understand or not. It doesn't matter if nothing will ever matter to you anymore. It doesn't matter if you stay depressed for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter if you don't survive Hollywood. But I'll tell you something that does matter- going in that room, and saying goodbye to your mother."

After a minute of just staring at each other, finally she nodded vigorously and stepped away from me.

"Okay." She whispered, and something in her face told me that she was actually getting it now.

But I knew this moment would last long.

She turned to the doors with a determined expression, and they flung open as she walked inside with her head high. It fell as fast as it lifted.

I watched her walk slowly into the emotional room before her white dress's billowing disappeared in a wave of mourners.

Allison sat next to me with her head down and no tears falling from her eyes. I was proud of her strength. She had held her mother's hand as she lay in the casket earlier. I knew it was freaky that I should be watching her- but I watched anyway. She just stared at her dead mother's face for a little bit, noting the bandage on her head from the car accident...luckily her mom wasn't so damaged by the wreck it had to be a closed casket.

She had mumbled a few words, nodded to herself and to her mom, and then just stared forever. Many watched with pity in their eyes as she tried to keep it together.

"And now a few words from Sonny Monroe." A random man I didn't know invited Allison to the podium.

She took a deep breath and walked up to the front of the room. Her hands made their way up to the table and she leaned against it heavily, tired.

"Hi." She said shakily.

After a moment's silence, she continued.

"I didn't prepare anything- a speech or whatever..." She said nervously. "But...the tragedy that has occurred is so indescribable I don't know if I can even wing it."

She was getting somewhere with the crowd.

"And I as see all of you here today, to mourn and say our goodbyes..." Her voice racked a few times. "I am so grateful."

Another full minute passed of sniffles before she spoke again.

"Every night when I was younger, my mother would come to me and kneel next to my bed. She would say to me, 'Sonny. If today were your last day, would you be proud of what you have done with your life.'"

She nodded to herself.

"Every night, I would exasperatedly say yes and get her out of my room so I oculd get some sleep."

Some chuckled.

"But tonight when I lay down on a comfortable pillow to sleep...I won't be so sure."

That struck my attention and I looked up at her from my hands.

"The mother is the daughter's best friend. You have no idea how true that was for me and her. Glued by the hip. One time that was literal. Long story. But now...now I realize why she was really there for me. Why I had her in the first place."

Once again she paused for a dramatic effect.

"So that when she left, I could live on my own. I could be all I could be and live my long life to its fullest and make good choices and survive in this insane world. And now I understand. I understand why she would ask me that at night and I understand why she would say I was tough and I understand why she told me she loved me.

"And now it is time to put her words to the test. So I will wake up each day with a smile but she will always be there in my mind, in my dreams, and maybe even spiritually there with me. I will live like she taught me to- like she told me to."

Sobs began in the crowd and others nodded in agreement.

My heart did a strange little tugging thing as I listened to her words.

"So I have said goodbye to her. It doesn't matter if you understand or if I become depressed or if I make a mistake but I know now that saying goodbye is the only thing I can do. So I did it. And thank you all so much for coming here tonight and doing the same. Thank you so much."

And that was the first time in years that a tear fell from my eye and rolled down my cheek. And I felt ashamed to wipe it off- so I let it slide down my face as I noticed the touchy feeling within me.

She came down form the stand and everyone embraced her. When she got to me and Danielle we had a group hug, and Danielle hugged her extra hard. She cried now- hard. She stared longingly at her mother's casket but never went back to it again. She had said goodbye- se was staying true to her word.

Allison was true to her word.