*Tissue warning* For some. Maybe.
Chapter Seventeen: Hovering
Edward
"Go upstairs, Bella."
"Again with that? No."
"Again with that?"
"What? No? YES, Edward. Again with it. So, save your breath."
"I'd love to. And could if you'd listen to me."
"And I'd listen to you if you said anything else to me."
"I want you to listen to me now."
"I want you to say something else now."
I know you do... but I can't. And can't fight anymore today. "Goodnight, Bella."
"Goodnight, Edward... I love you."
I know, Bella... God, do I know...
Because I love you, too...
…
FBoFW
...
"Why aren't you at the school?" Seeing Bella in our kitchen long after I thought she'd left the house takes me off guard.
I'd purposely gotten out of bed late–pretending to still be asleep before I did–so I wouldn't have to face her until later. Until the hours of this day had had their chance to strengthen my resolve to on her future ones not face her at all.
"Good morning," she tells me, before answering my question with a You're a silly boy smile, "Saturday morning."
Shit.
"What would you like for breakfast?"
You, Bella...
But I can't tell her that. And won't, no matter how much I do or want to.
"I guess I lost track of the days... " Or anything else she wants to hear. "But I'm not helpless. I can get my own breakfast."
She moves silently aside so that I can move myself about...
But the hurt she leaves in my way is anything but quiet. It's like a fallen tree in my path. One that I saw and heard fall. Crash at my unmoving feet.
One that I feel the hard and heavy vibration of no matter what else I can't.
But that I can't let beat me.
Because this fight isn't for me.
So I trudge forward. Climb over it with heavy limbs and a heavier heart. Drag myself–the feeling parts and the not–to a clearer, though darker, path. The one I won't lose sight of, no matter what else I see before me. What comforts and softness and...
"And I can do it without you watching me... waiting for me to drop something or not be able to reach something... or whatever the hell it is that you're doing it for." I'm sorry, Bella...
"The only thing I was waiting for was to have breakfast with you."
I know that... "Well, next time don't."
She looks at me... a thousand different emotions playing on her face... and probably just as many responses playing on her tongue...
But a soft "Okay" is all I hear. And then she breaks a banana from the bunch on the counter and picks up her glass of juice and walks out of our kitchen.
Leaving me with my breakfast of champions... the new, unopened box of Wheaties that, not shockingly, no longer has my face–or any other part of me– on the front of...
That I force myself to choke down. With no sugar. No sweetness of any kind.
Because, just like this box cover...
The days of my being worthy of that...
Are over.
…
FBoFW
…
Saturdays are the worst days of the week. The weeks. Now...
And for the other kind. The weak. Something I never thought I'd call myself or see myself as...
But do. Because things change.
Like the days of the week...
Mondays change to Tuesdays.
Tuesdays to Wednesdays.
Wednesdays to Thursdays.
Thursdays to Fridays.
And Fridays to Saturdays. My least favorite of them all. Because they're long. And I don't spend them alone. And won't on what follows them...
Sundays, which are the same. Except for one difference: I don't have to spend Sundays dreading their arrival. Their repeat performance of Saturday, the day, like this one, on which I do.
Two days with Bella...
Mornings, afternoons, and nights...
With her but not.
Close to her but far away.
And trying with all that I am to get farther. And to push her. Until she's far enough...
That every day–every breath–feels like Saturday to me.
And I lose track...
Of them all.
…
FBoFW
…
"When's the last time you went out and did something with a friend? Or even talked to one?"
"I talk to my friends everyday."
"I'm not talking about your colleagues, Bella."
"My colleagues are my friends, Edward."
"Yes, but not your only. And not the ones I'm asking you about."
"It's been awhile, I guess."
"Why?"
"Because we're all busy."
"You mean because you are. Doing absolutely nothing."
"There's not a speck of dirt or dust in this house. And not so much as a single towel or t-shirt waiting to be washed... "
"You know that's not at all what I'm talking about."
"Is there something specific that you are? Something you'd like me to do?"
"Yes."
"Then say the word... "
Fix me. "Call someone... do something... go somewhere... anything... just, for the love of God, STOP HOVERING. You're suffocating me."
"I don't mean to do that... "
You're not. I don't mean it. "Well, you are. And I can't stand it."
"Okay. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry... " You didn't do anything wrong... "... just stop." So that I can.
She nods her beautiful head...
A simple action, but one that I've made hard for her. Like the watching of it is for me...
But not as hard as it is watching her waste her life.
Her life that's ahead of her, not behind.
Where she leaves me...
To stop hovering like I told her to.
When I lied.
And suffocated us both.
…
FBoFW
…
Bella
I know what he's doing...
I never don't.
I just don't know quite how to fight it. When I should and when I shouldn't.
I'm trying...
Choosing my battles...
And saving my strength for the big ones...
Because I know they're coming.
Because when Edward wants something, he's ferocious.
Not that this thing he's doing is what he wants...
I know it isn't.
But I know it's what he thinks–has delusionally decided–is what he needs to do. For me.
Me.
The person he loves more than himself.
Something I never doubted once I knew it. And still don't.
But something that's changed. Grown dangerous. And frightening.
Because he's Edward Cullen. My Edward Cullen. And I know what that means. What he–him–is.
Inside and out.
And know that the out that he sees himself as now is changing the in.
For the worse. Which he thinks is the better. For me.
With all of his confused, beautiful heart he thinks it.
Because my Edward would never do anything for me that he believed wasn't.
He'd never hurt me...
Ever...
I know that.
Even though he is...
And himself while he does...
With every cold word.
And look. And the ones that aren't that he tries not to let me see.
But that I do.
Because I am always hovering. And watching him.
Because I love him, I am.
And will keep...
Because I can't not.
And will never.
No matter how cold or hard it gets. Or he does...
I won't.
And won't give up.
Trying to be stronger than he is.
Something I've never been–couldn't possibly have–or ever wanted to be...
Until he decided worse was better for me.
And better was too good for him.
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
Bella was quiet for the rest of the day. And practically invisible.
Because those things were what I told her to be. When I tried to make her believe they were what I wanted from her.
Because I know how hard she's trying not to. Believe...
Bella knows I love her. And knows how much–as much as she could–I do. And that makes what I'm trying to do for her now harder. For both of us.
Harder for me–not that that's possible–because she won't be easy to convince that I could anything but. I spent every moment I ever spent with her trying to make her know how much I did. And I succeeded...
She knew.
That she was adored. Treasured. Cherished. Worshiped.
Loved beyond reason or rationality or shame. And would be for as long as she or I lived.
And her knowing made me love her even more.
Because it told me how much she believed in me. And in what I was capable of.
Which will make this even harder for her.
Because she knows how hard I'll fight. To make her not. And not believe anymore. Not trust or want or love me.
I know I can't make her forget the old me... or the old us...
But I believe, if I try hard enough, that I can make her not want the new.
If I make us less.
And make him ugly enough. And cold enough. And unrecognizable enough...
She'll stop fighting for him. The one she knew. And accept that the new is all I am now. And not someone she can love anymore.
And that the man she did... the man who loved her even more than she did... is gone. And never coming back.
That, even if he didn't want to... didn't choose it... he left her. Broke all of his promises. And her heart. Before, hopefully, her spirit.
Please, Bella...
Give up on me before that happens. Hate me for failing you. And love yourself enough to let someone else not.
The thought of her with someone else...
Anyone but me...
Letting them love her...
Touch her...
Earn her...
It threatens to derail my plans.
But when she climbs into bed beside me...
Wearing her love for me like a suit of selfless armor...
I know I have to find a way to bear the pain of it.
And make her suffer another so she'll never have to again. "Are you going to make me say it?"
"Say what?"
"How much I enjoyed today."
"Enjoyed?"
"Yes, enjoyed. The air... and the space... "
"No. Because I'd never make you lie to me."
"I know you don't want it to be the truth, Bella, but that doesn't make it a lie."
"And I know you don't really want to hurt me, even though you're trying so hard to."
"I'd never try to hurt you, Bella."
"Then stop."
"Stop making me."
"Stop making me make you."
"I can't seem to make you do anything anymore. And that's why today was so good... because you finally showed me a modicum of respect."
"Finally? MODICUM? Are you kidding me?"
I know, baby... it's the most ridiculous thing I could have said. "Not in the least."
"If there's anything I've ever done, Edward... excelled at, it's showing you respect."
"Really, Bella? Is that what this is? What you're doing now? Excelling at respecting me?"
"I'm not not."
"The fact that you're here makes that incorrect."
"Here?"
"In this room. And this bed. And don't demean yourself by pretending you don't know that I don't want you in either."
"I'm not pretending anything. I have never–and will never, ANYTHING–with you. And I don't feel demeaned. I COULD NEVER. With you, or by, or by myself FOR you.
"I paid attention, Edward. To everything you ever said to me. Asked me for or told me you wanted... with me and from...
"And that is why I'm here. In this room, and this bed, and anywhere you are. And why I'm staying. No matter what you say to me. No matter what YOU pretend. Or lie about. And try to make me believe."
You can't win this one, Bella. I can't let you. I won't give in. I love you too damn much... "I know I created this, Bella... wanted it... reveled in it, even...
"But it's not what I want anymore. And I'm so sorry... I know it hurts you... it hurts me to say it to you... to have to... but you're giving me no choice. You just won't listen to me. And, no matter how much you believe you are by not... are not respecting me as long as you don't. Please see that. And don't make it harder."
"Harder for whom, Edward? Which one of us?"
"Both. It's not easy for me to hurt you."
"It's not easy because you love me."
"Of course I love you. I never said that I didn't." I could never...
"Then grab ahold of me. Squeeze me. Suffocate me... and tell me I'll stay where I belong, instead of lying to me and telling me you don't want me here."
"I can't do that."
"Why? Because you couldn't do something else a couple of times? Edward... "
"That's not why, Bella."
"Maybe it's not the only reason, but it's one of them. And it's a big one. And ridiculous, just so you know. And not worth hurting me for. Not at all."
No... not by itself... but maybe necessary... to hurt you with... "You're right... it is a reason. A big one."
"I know, so lets–"
"Just not the way that you think it is."
"Okay, then tell me what way it is."
"I don't want to be cruel... " I'd rather cut out my own heart with a rusty, jagged knife...
"You can say anything to me, Edward, and I can take it, as long as it's the truth."
She's suspicious... and she's right to be... because I'm about to lie to her again...
But nothing else I'm saying is working... "Those times I couldn't do something... that we both know were more than a couple... were the only times I couldn't."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean they were the only times, Bella. And I think... can only... that those failures... were because of you. Not me."
"Me, as opposed to... ?"
"No one. I'd never do that to you. Just myself... is what I meant."
"So, let me see if I understand this... this thing you mean...
"Your 'failures', as you called them, were in actuality, MINE. To inspire... or elicit... your success. Is that what you mean?"
"Not in a way that's meant to hurt or insult you... "
"But yes?"
No! Fuck no! You know better than that... "Yes."
"I see."
No you don't, sweetheart... and I'm so sorry...
"Your intended point, I mean. But I'm not hurt or insulted by it."
"Good. I didn't want you to–"
"I'm just surprised–shocked, actually–that you'd go so far as to try to make it to me. Knowing that–if your very life depended on my doing so–I'd never believe you."
It's not mine that does, it's yours... "Knowing how much my life means to you made saying it even harder. But no matter how hard it was... I said it because it's the truth. I don't know what changed... or why it did... you're certainly still as beautiful as you ever were... but I just don't... "
"Want me?"
Thank you... I couldn't say it. "No. I don't."
"Yes you do."
"Bella... "
"It wouldn't have been hard to say the words–which you didn't, by the way–if you truly felt them. And nothing for me."
"I didn't say I felt nothing for you... that's not the same thing. And could never be true. We loved each other. We planned a life... that, if hadn't gone all wrong, would have been extraordinary...
"I'll never deny that... but I can't deny this, either. It's changed, Bella. It's all changed. I... me... I'm just not the same anymore. And who or whatever I am now... doesn't want you the same."
"That's bullshit and you know it."
"I'm sorry... but it's not."
"I don't care about failures, Edward. Yours or mine. We'll both have them. Because no matter how perfect we've always thought the other was... neither of us is. Or ever was.
"We were just happy. And blissfully, blindly in love. Like we still are. And is all that matters to me. And all that should matter to you. No matter what can or can't happen in this bed, or in this room, or what ever happened in any other.
"Our life didn't go wrong, Edward. It took a turn that we didn't expect, and haven't figured out yet quite how to deal with. But we will. Together. And we'll get back on course. And extraordinary... we'll redefine it. In every possible–and perfect–way there is to. So, stop this craziness. Stop wasting our time. And let us be happy."
"I can't make you happy anymore, Bella."
"Yes you can. If you stop thinking you can't, and let yourself. Like you always have."
"And you can't make me."
"We both know that's not true. Stop with all of that. It doesn't make you noble."
"I've never been that."
"The hell you haven't. But now, not so much, no."
"And I've never lied to you."
"I know that. Until this, that you're going to stop."
"No, Bella... I've NEVER lied to you. And am not now."
"Stop. Please."
"Go. Please."
"You're not ready yet? To go back to blissful with me? Fine. I'll play your game, no matter how hard it is. If it's what you need right now. But remember that I'm only human. And not as strong as you are. And love you enough that you shouldn't have to play it at all. Or make me."
It's why I have to. "Please go upstairs. If you love me... sleep in our old bed... and leave me to mine. In peace and comfort, that I just can't find with you next to me anymore."
"That's a bit rough, Edward. Even for you."
"You know how to make me stop. You've always known."
"Yes... by telling you. Like I am now, and have been doing for the last–"
"That's not the way anymore, Bella. I've told you what is now."
"Go or suffer? That's the way? My only choice now?"
"I don't want you to suffer... but I don't want to, either. So, yes. Because you're giving me no other choice... I guess it is."
"You guess it– You want me here! In this room and in this bed! And anywhere else you could ever have me! And in whatever way! Stop saying that you don't! Stop making me feel like my mere existence is making you miserable or sick! It isn't! I know it isn't! And that it couldn't! You know I know that! So please stop hurting me! Stop because I love you! More than anything! Just like you love me! Please, Edward! Stop!"
I turn my back to her...
Because I can't bear to see her tears.
To know that I've caused them.
And will cause her more.
Before she gives in.
And because I won't.
And she doesn't try to pull me back.
And doesn't jump from the bed and around it to make me face her.
And sure as hell doesn't leave like I told her to.
She doesn't move at all.
Because to do that...
Would mean she'd had more than she could take.
And she hasn't.
And that scares the hell out of me.
For her...
Who may never...
From me.
xx
I know things have changed here... and many, if not most or all, of you are hating him right now... and that doesn't make me happy, but it's what it is. And how you're entitled to feel, if you do. Just like those who felt the need to leave after the last chapter. That was their choice, though in my/our defense, the angst warnings were clear from the beginning this time. In this story, I mean. I pulled no punches about that.
And I thought I'd made something else clear... that based on reviews/pms is (baffling to me) not. And that's this: HE. LOVES. HER. I don't know how anyone couldn't know that. Seriously, I don't. And don't think I failed at that. No matter how twisted up his love for her is right now... (I know he's being stupid!) it's there. And it's big. So big he doesn't know what to do with it. Or anything, so much of which now he can't control...
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is can you just please try to remember that? And that he's broken? And not evil? Or cruel? Or selfish, even though he's seemed so in recent chapters? For Bella (who I think most of you like), if not for him or me? Please? I wouldn't ask if it didn't break my heart that you don't. Or seem to not.
And now, since I'm often fail at review replies, to answer a question that I'm asked a lot... I don't know how many chapters this will be. While I know the story to the end, I don't have it all written. You wouldn't have to wait so long for updates if I did. And that's the only answer I have. To that.
As for the 'romance' tag that I put on this... I still (though many of you don't, I know) think it belongs. And I'm going to leave it there. And this here for you to figure out what means.
And one last thing... in reference to something I didn't leave anywhere... if anyone doesn't know, the first chapter of the Come Closer sequel is posted. It's called Right There. (story, not chapter) And is the only thing, besides my OF, Clear and Bright, that will be sharing my attention now. So, hopefully updates to this will be a little more frequent than they have been.
I'll shut up now. Thanks for listening. And reading. xo