Chapter Eighteen: Whispered Words
Bella
I used to look forward to the school year weekends. Every one felt like a never ending child's Christmas morning to me. Not because I didn't love my job and the precious little faces and minds that I spent my week with...
But because I loved my husband with that child's Christmas morning excitement. And those weekends let me show it to him. Share it with him, and myself completely. Even when it was the beginning of the school year, after I'd had an entire blissful summer to do it.
The beginnings of the school years were always the most hectic times for us. Much like the ends of them, though without those beautiful blooming reminders spring brought of blissful summers approaching.
Because the beginnings for me were the endings for Edward. Of his seasons. His regulars. Which weren't endings at all when he was playing on those fields of his dreams.
The Mariners didn't make it into the playoffs this year. Didn't greet October with a child's Christmas morning excitement...
But it's the first time since Edward's rookie season that they didn't. Because their Santa of sorts got benched this year. And what would a child's Christmas morning be like if Santa hadn't been able to leave his workshop while they slept and dreamed of him?
I'm not saying they're nothing without him... I'd never say that. Something it would hurt him to hear...
I'm just saying that they lost their way. That Rudolf's nose lost its glow and can't guide them anymore. And they have to find a way to light their path without it.
I smile to myself at my Christmas analogies. For multiple reasons, I smile. First, because, since the day he decided I was the person he wanted to spend all of his with, Edward made every day feel like a child's Christmas morning to me. With gifts to open nearly every...
Some big, some small. Some extravagant and over the top, and some as simple as a cupcake that looked like my favorite flower or an adorably perfect heart cut out of red construction paper and put in a box tied with a ribbon and put in my hands...
With an equally adorable plea for me to want it...
On a day that wasn't anywhere near Valentine's Day...
Oh, Edward... I miss you.
He amazed me with the things he did. The things that told me, no matter how busy he was doing that thing I thought he loved most, and no matter how little time he had to do anything else, that that time was spent thinking of me. And ways he could show me that what I thought was wrong. And that I was that thing he loved most.
Of course my mind sees him as Santa–and stunningly beautifully not. His generosity to the little girl who'd been good and nice (though not always to him at first) puts him in those boots as if they were made for him.
And Rudolf's glowing nose... well, if you've ever seen my Edward, you know why. He lights up a room. A world of rooms... when he's happy. Or fighting to be.
Things have gotten a little dark in our rooms now...
But I don't want to think about that now... or ever...
Because I'm thinking of brighter times.
Christmas mornings...
Or any if they were near...
When Edward would walk through the house, or stand at the stove making me cream cheese scrambled eggs, or pop his head into the bathroom while I was taking a shower...
Singing Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Because it's his favorite Christmas song. And because him singing it always made me laugh. And he loved doing that... being responsible for hearing what he said was his favorite sound.
Like he did when I asked him why Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer was his favorite and he said because it reminded him of himself. I laughed so hard...
Because Rudolf's story is nothing like his. Which I told him once I stopped laughing with a shake of my head and a roll of my eyes.
But he said I was wrong about that, and that it was. That, though certainly never made fun of for anything, he did feel like an outcast when he first joined his team. His teammates did not want him. Because, though they didn't doubt his abilities, they knew he definitely didn't.
He hadn't had a chance yet to earn his superstar status in the major leagues, but they thought he saw himself with an S on his chest before he'd even set foot on anything but a college field. They thought he was a cocky young punk who would walk onto theirs like he owned it and expect them all to bow to him.
He knew his young public persona had created those assumptions, but who Edward was off of the baseball field wasn't who he was on it. And he had to prove that. And that, though, again, he didn't doubt his abilities, he didn't think they were something to be bowed to.
The team was struggling back then, and never looked forward to October...
But he didn't see himself as their savior who would change that like they thought he did. He wanted to change it, yes, but as a part of a team who would do it together.
And so he worked. His ass off and their assumptions into the grounds he did it on. And got them to their first October, and himself into their team instead of just on it.
They, like all of Seattle, loved him. But he'd earned it. By offering up heart like they'd never seen before.
Like he did to me with his.
Another reason he saw himself like Rudolf. Because I had assumed things, too.
And, like with his teammates who at first didn't want him, I made him prove me wrong and to me that I did. Something he worked his ass off to do, with his beautiful heart lighting his way.
That, like what he did on those fields, will go down in history.
Because my Edward's heart...
My eyes finish my thought for me. With painful tears. The kind I fight so hard everyday to keep away.
But never as hard as on the school year weekends that I've come to dread. Because I don't look forward to them anymore. Because Edward doesn't.
Because they aren't Christmas mornings, or like at all.
And there are no presents under any tree or in my hands.
Because the only one he wants to give me now...
Is back me.
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
Another dreaded Saturday is upon me, but Bella's presence has barely been. She's been upstairs since I got up and told her, like on the last, not to hover.
It was a long week for both of us. And a painful. Both completely my fault...
But her fights against my hard cruelty have been soft. And small, like she looked every time I tried to push her away with it.
She hasn't given up...
Or in...
Or me my demanded way...
And left our bed to sleep in the one I told her to instead...
But her stubbornness to not has been gentle. And quiet. And still.
And respectful.
If I didn't see her next to me at night, I wouldn't know she was there once she'd wished me a good.
She doesn't move, or speak, or touch me... in any way... even though some nights she lies there awake for hours before she falls asleep...
Like I do...
Because I want her to do those things she doesn't more than anything.
Those things I told her I didn't want her to do.
Because I can't do the things I want to, no matter how hard I fight.
…
FBoFW
…
Bella
"Dad? Are you going to be home in a few hours?"
"I am if you need me to be. What's going on, sweetheart? Is something wrong?"
I suddenly wish times were different, those of old, when phones had cords, so I had one to wrap around my looking-for-something-to-entwine-myself-with fingers. And heart...
But all of the wishing in the world won't give me that. Yes, I could go out and buy one of those kinds of phones–if they even make them anymore–but that won't soothe the ache I feel for what I truly want to be wrapped up in. Edward. His arms and his heart and...
"No," I finally answer my dad with my lie, because I can't tell him the truth. Because it would hurt him. And because telling him would feel to me like I wasn't still fighting for a better one. "I just wanted to do something for Edward, and was hoping I could come and go through the pictures you have from our wedding day.
"You have some that I don't have... some candid shots of that day... of us... that weren't posed for or planned... and I was hoping I could take a few. I'll have copies made if–"
"You can take anything you want. For any reason you want to or for none at all. You don't have to ask me. You only have to tell me if you really want me to be home."
He knows I lied. And that everything isn't okay. That something is wrong.
But he also knows that I would tell him if I needed his help. And not yet if I wanted to get through that wrong on my own if I could.
"It's not that I don't, or don't want to see you, but maybe you could leave the key somewhere so that I could get into the house? In case you weren't going to be?"
"Well, Sue and Seth are gone to her sister's for the weekend... and I was going to go out with Harry and try to catch a few..."
Thank you, Dad...
"So, I'll keep those plans and leave a key under the mat for you. That I want you to keep after you use it, so that you can anytime you need to."
"I love you, Dad."
"I love you, too, Bells. And I'll see you next time."
"I promise you will."
"Drive safe, sweetheart."
"I will. Because you taught me how to." And when not to be afraid not to.
Be too safe... and careful... because I was afraid to trust other drivers...
On the roads of life. And love... that aren't always without obstacles in the middle of them.
Aftermaths of crashes.
Collapses. Of bodies and the fragile hearts they're built to protect.
And of wills...
That crumble under all of the mangled weight and then find a way out from under it only to change into something more mangled than what crumbled it in the first place.
That I won't avoid today. Won't steer safe and clear of.
Because I'm going to drive straight into it. Crush it if I have to. Until it admits it shouldn't have been put there in my way.
And ours.
Because I put nothing in his.
But a promise that I never would again.
When I let him catch me.
Stood still and waited for him to.
And hold me.
Forever.
Which is far...
FAR...
From over.
Or mangled, no matter how much he thinks he is.
Or how much he thinks he needs to get out of my way.
So that I can begin another.
That will never exist.
…
FBoFW
…
"I'm going to go out for a bit. I'll be gone a few hours, so is there anything you'd like or that you need before I do?" Don't look so hopeful, Edward... you haven't won anything. "Or bring you back when I come?" Because I am coming back. To you. And our life.
I can see his mind going a mile a minute as he sits there not answering me. Not letting himself... or ask me to stay, which is all he could ever really want...
But then I see his jaw set and his eyes go cold with what he will let himself ask me. Which is for nothing at all.
Because Edward doesn't ask me questions anymore. Or for anything.
He only tells me the nothings I never wanted to hear. "No."
Since he's looking at me, with cold eyes or not, I nod my understanding of his response and smile at him. And then go out the door without another word.
And once outside of it, stand with my ear pressed against it to hear what I do want to hear. And what he never tells me anymore. Not when he thinks I can hear him, anyway. "I love you, Bella."
I know, Edward...
No matter what else you say.
Or do.
Or don't.
Because, whether whispered I love yous he thought I couldn't hear, or screamed go aways he knew I could, I know that mouth they come from.
His mouth.
That's never done anything but worship me.
And thank me for the honor.
With words or without.
Even when he had other options.
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
Bella said she'd be gone a few hours...
But it's been much more than a few since she left our house.
It's been many.
Like the hours of a school day, which today isn't for her.
Which I already know, because this is one of those days that I hate, but which I'm reminded of every time I look out the window.
Because it's dark beyond it.
Like life without her would be whether the sun was shining brightly in the sky or had fallen beneath it so the moon could take over.
Like now... when the dark of night is suffocating me. The dark of night I can't stop looking out at, because there's nothing else to in.
Because Bella isn't here.
My Bella, who's never not when it is.
My Bella, who's scaring the hell out of me right now because she isn't.
Where is she?
And why isn't she back from wherever it is?
And why didn't I ask her where that where was before she left here?
And me. To think I'd gained some ground.
Because she finally put some between us.
And why didn't she tell me on her own to tell me that I hadn't gained anything but what she wanted me to?
Why didn't she give me that?
Why didn't she give me anything?
Why didn't she try even though I pretended I didn't want it when I didn't ask her for it? Anything instead of this nothing.
That isn't nothing at all because I'm worried sick about her.
"Where the hell are you, Bella?!" I scream into the emptiness I made her leave me in.
That answers me like a punch in the gut. You won't have the right to ask her that if she really does go.
I know that!
And that I still have it now. Where the hell is my phone?
…
FBoFW
…
It's been an hour, and though I found my phone and hold it in my hands, I have yet to call my wife.
Not because I'm any less worried, or any less scared... I'm sick to my stomach with being both.
But because I'm stubborn. And know that Bella is, too.
And smart. And that she may be trying to make me worry on purpose.
So that I'll give in. And reach out and pull her back to me.
So, because she might be... Please, God, let that be what this is...
I wait.
And hope that I can do it longer than she can.
…
FBoFW
…
"Hello?"
"Where. The. Hell. Are you?"
"Hold on a minute, Edward."
"Bella!" I scream at her, but it's too late; she's already dropped the phone from her ear. And covered the mouth, apparently, because she's still talking–to someone who isn't me–but her voice is now muffled. As is the voice of the someone who gets to hear it clearly, and have her undivided attention to themselves and their own.
"Are you still there?" she asks after a moment, and I hear the slam of a car door. Hers, I can only assume, because it sounded as though it slammed right beside her. Where I'm supposed to be.
"Where else would I be?" I ask her, instead of tell her that. "It's not like I can go anywhere."
"I didn't... I just meant..." she stammers, and then gives up. "I'm sorry I kept you waiting. Is everything alright?"
"No, Bella, everything is not alright."
"What's wrong?"
What's wrong? Is she fucking serious right now? "Where the fuck are you?! And who the fuck were you talking to?! Who was important enough to you to make me wait for?! Me, your husband, because you're still my wife!"
"I promise you I know that, Edward. But thank you for acknowledging it."
"Bella, if you think I'm playing games with you–"
"Think you're playing games with me? I don't think that. I know you are. But I'm not playing any with you to try to get back at you, if that's what you think."
"Tell me where you are right now. And who you're with. And why you're anywhere with anyone!"
"Please stop yelling at me."
"Then answer my damn questions!"
"Okay– Is everything alright? I was waiting for you. You know, to pull away before I left– I'm sorry. Yes, everything's fine. You can go. And thank you again for all of your help. I–"
"Help with what?" I ask, before she can say anything else to this person–this man–who helped her. "And who the hell is that? Where are you, Bella?"
"Really, it's okay," she says, and I know it's to him instead of me. "I'll be fine. I'll lock my doors."
"Ma'am, please..." I hear him respond, because she's not covering the phone like she was before. "There's no way I'm leaving you alone out here."
"Alone out where?" I ask her now, immobilized with dread worse than any I've ever felt. Even worse than what I felt on that day that brought us to this one. And the reality of my helpless, immobile state. "Damn it, Bella, answer me!"
"I'm sorry, Edward. I'm not trying to not, it's just hard to listen to, and answer, two people at the same time."
"Then don't. And just listen to, and answer, me."
"Okay."
"NOW."
"Okay... well, first of all, I'm on the side of the highway. My tire blew out... and–"
"What?! Oh my god, Bella, are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine. I lost control for a minute, but I was able to get some semblance of it back, and pull over without anything more than a furiously beating heart and some jumbled nerves.
"And after a few minutes, I even thought I'd be able to handle it myself, and put the spare on... but I couldn't do it. The nuts or bolts or whatever the hell I was trying to loosen were just too tight for me.
"So, I called for help, and they told me it would be about a half an hour before someone could get to me... but after an hour, they still hadn't come. So I called again, and was told it would be an hour... which was going to be two, at least, since it had already been one..."
"Bella?"
"Yes?"
"Let me talk to the tow truck driver." Two hours? MY WIFE had to wait TWO HOURS?
"Well–"
"Now, Bella."
"I can't. The tow truck never showed up."
"He never–Then who is that you were talking to?"
"Just a very kind man who stopped to help me. And who's kindly still here because I'm still sitting here explaining it to you..."
"You got out of your truck for a stranger? Who isn't a police officer? Or at the least a worthless tow company driver? At night? In the dark? Alone?"
"I was already out of my–"
"Bella! Do you have any idea what could have happened to you? Your father is the Chief of Police! You know better!"
"He wasn't alone. His wife and two adorable children were in the car with him. The three of whom talked to me and kept me company while he fixed my tire. And who would all probably love to be able to go home right now... just like I would. Or at least start to, since I'm still almost an hour away. I'm so sorry..."
I know her I'm so sorry at the end of all of that was not for me.
And even if it was, it's the last thing I would want to hear from her now.
Because I didn't give her anything.
Didn't let her win.
Or beat me at all...
Because I didn't reach out and grab her to pull her back to me...
I kept her far away from me and made her stay there while I beat her. After she'd already been.
And I hate myself for it. I hate myself so much...
"Okay, Bella," I tell her, though nothing is. "Can I talk to him please? For just a minute? And then to you again?"
"Sure," she says far too sweetly. "I think he'd really like that. The chance to talk to you, I mean... I know I did."
…
FBoFW
…
Bella's roadside savior was a fan. Of mine. Of the man I used to be.
And, just like she said, he did really like my giving him the chance to talk to me. And barely let me get my words of thanks in between all of his own.
But I managed. To thank him. For helping my wife when I couldn't. For taking care of her while I was sitting on my ass in our home doing anything but.
And he said "You're welcome" but that my thanks wasn't necessary. Because it was his duty–as a man–to do such things. Before he even knew who she was.
But that after...
It was his honor.
Because I was his son's hero. His favorite person in the world.
Which made me feel even worse than I already did. For myself and for him.
Because a child's hero should be his father.
Or hers...
A child who's grown up. Into a woman. With no man to take care of her. No man at all. But whose hero is that man. The one who isn't one. Instead of the man who is and who told her to let me try to be.
"My phone's probably going to die, Edward. I didn't have much battery left even before you called, and now–"
"Then it will, but that's the only way you'll be cut off from me."
"Okay. Whatever you say. This time."
The happiness in her soft, sweet, and compliant whisper is unmistakable, but I don't reward myself with it. Or let her reward me. Because I don't deserve it. And, even though I did deserve something else, I want her to know I didn't like. "You should have called me, Bella."
"What could you have–"
I didn't interrupt her this time. She interrupted herself. Stopped herself. From asking the question she didn't like the sound of. And that she didn't want to hear the truthful answer to. Absolutely nothing.
"I didn't mean that, Edward. Not the way–" She stops again... undoubtedly trying to think of a way to put a different spin on what she can't.
But I don't want her to waste her time on impossible. Or be distracted by it, or anything, when her eyes should be focused on the road in front of her. "How's your dad?" I ask her. "Did you have a good day?"
"Well, he's good, I think. I didn't actually see him, he wasn't home."
I guess that explains why he hasn't shown up here yet to kick my ass... "So, you spent the day with Sue and Seth?"
"No, they weren't home, either. They went somewhere for the weekend or something."
"Did you catch up with some old friends, then?"
"No. I just spent some time by myself."
I want to ask her why she had to drive over three hours away to do that...
But I don't. Because maybe three hours away is really the best place for her.
And because, just like she warned me it might...
Her phone goes dead.
Leaving me feeling like I am.
Because she still isn't here, and I'm completely cut off from her.
Just like I wanted.
And never, ever did.
xx
It's a little sooner this time, right? A smidge?
Well, whether it is or it isn't, I want to say something about what I know it is. What they are... this chapter, their love, and their story. They're give and take. And push and pull. And sometimes they're effortless and beautiful, and sometimes they're hard and cruel. But love–and this is a LOVE story–is stubborn. So, remember that. And how much these two love each other. Okay?
And, though I recently stopped seeing some old, I've been seeing some new faces in the last couple of weeks. And I want to say Welcome! And, like to all of you, thanks for reading! I know it isn't always easy, especially this.
And about the chapter title... I know there were a lot more than whispered words in this chapter... but I liked the whispered ones best. And so did Bella, or at least the ones that sounded like whispers since there was a heavy door in the way. (This is fiction, pretend she has super hearing powers)So...
See you soon. Bella and her super-hearing ears should be home by then...