Chapter Twenty Four: Unobstructed Paths
Bella
"Why did you hit him?"
"Why didn't you tell me what was going on with him?"
"I was handling what was going on with him. Now, answer my question."
"This is you handling it? You're lying in a hospital bed, Bella. One that you were unconscious in for hours. You have a concussion and a horrible gash on your head that–"
"That could be much worse, but isn't."
"Don't try to defend him, Bella. His actions–"
"Were a bit childish, but not intentional. Not in this way. You know that."
"You should have told me."
"Emmett, telling you… or my dad… or anyone… would have felt to me like I was giving up. Admitting defeat. Unsurpassable injury and weakness. And that my marriage… my life's very breath… my bond with my husband… the love between us… wasn't strong enough to stand on its own anymore. And fight. And win."
"Or, Bella… it could have just said 'My husband is being an ass and needs his kicked, would you help me out with that?'."
"I'm fully aware that that's your stance on the situation. Though you weren't asked to take one."
"But I was, Bella. You didn't call me for help… but Edward did."
"Hurting him wasn't helping him, Emmett."
"Neither was him hurting you."
Damn it. And him.
Because this little scolding certainly didn't go as planned…
"Don't think you're off the hook just because you made a valid point."
"No, I know I'm not. But I can live with that, because I can think of much worse things than being in trouble with you, Mrs. Cullen."
I'd smack those wiggling eyebrows of his right off of his face if I had the energy. And if I wasn't grateful for the light, playful reprieve.
"You'll know much worse things when I tell Edward you said that."
"Oh, now you want to tattle?"
"Not want to. WILL."
"And I accept that. Because I deserve it."
How did he twist things around on me again? "I hear you."
"Just making sure."
"Yeah. And now that you have–"
"Get out of here and go help my friend?"
"Yes. Please."
"Of course I will, Bella. You only had to ask."
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
"Having second thoughts about that wrath?" I ask my father in law as he takes in the mess mine left in its wake.
And he doesn't answer me for a while, leaving me to take in how hard it is for him to choose what that answer will be.
And is. "No." Despite what it should have been instead.
What I wish I could climb inside of him and unleash on me for him.
And for Bella. The beautiful woman we both love more than anything and would do anything for.
Or, in Charlie's case at this moment, as he stares down at his daughter's blood dried into the rug beneath his feet, not do.
"But know that there's no three strikes here, Edward. This is the only one you get."
"There will never be another, Charlie, I promise you."
And I don't wait for him to answer or respond this time. Because I don't expect my words to be enough to elicit another one from him.
And spring myself into action instead. Because I'm going to do whatever I can to clean up this mess I made.
Because I was given a second chance not to screw up. A second chance to do things right.
A second chance to have the perfect life. By my sweet, beautiful, perfect wife. Who doesn't think she'd be wasting a single second of her precious by spending it with me.
Me, who will never let her.
…
FBoFW
…
"Are you ever going to talk to me again?"
"I strongly considered telling you to get out of my house."
"Well, thanks for not."
"I didn't not say it because I didn't want it."
"Why, then?"
"Because I thought you were here to help. And what I need help with is for Bella, so I set my personal desires aside."
"I'm sorry, Edward."
"I don't need your sorrow, Rose. And I'm the last person you should be apologizing to."
"I think you're the first. And I mean it, I truly am sorry for the way I–"
"Treated my wife? Because unless that's what you were going to say, I don't want to hear it."
"I was going to say for the way I treated you. By not treating you like anything. Or, more accurately, like the brother I love with all of my heart."
"You mean your selfish heart? And reprehensibly jealous?"
"Yeah, that one."
"You have issues, Rose."
"I know."
"You had everything… but a piece of expensive jewelry on your finger. And because you couldn't have that one thing, you threw the everything away. And then accused it of betraying you in some way. And my wife of betraying me."
"You know it wasn't really about her, Edward. I was hurt and angry and just…"
"Your hurt and anger was self inflicted."
"I know that."
"And it was wrong to twist it around and hurt anyone else with it."
"I know that, too!"
"Good. So do I. Now, will you get back to helping, please? Because there's nothing I won't do to take all of mine back."
…
FBoFW
…
"Don't you think it's about time for you to get some sleep?"
I don't look at Charlie as I answer him. "I can't sleep without her next to me."
Because I can't take my eyes off of Bella.
Those reminders she tried to give me… and give me something back with…
Those gifts…
Those moments with her in my arms…
Or by my side…
Or standing strong behind me…
I just can't look away from them. Because I tried to make them cease to exist. Make the ones I'm looking at be some of the last. Somethings in the past instead of the present and future.
And, because I did, she isn't here. Not in my arms, and not by my side, and not standing strong at all, behind me or anywhere near.
"Yeah… and I'm sorry you both had to be put through so much pain today for you to come to that realization."
"With all of my heart, Charlie, so am I. And I only wish that today was the only day that we were. The only day that she was… and, more than anything, that she was never at all on any."
"And I wish, for both of you, that I could grant you those, Edward… but I don't have that power, unfortunately. So, I'll just give you this… Never forget how much you wish those things. Or what that sorrow feels like because your wishing them can't ever bring them to you. But don't let the remembering get in the way of what will come to you. Who will. On her own. As soon as anyone will let her. And probably even before…
"Don't let it, Son. Because, though she'd clear even the most insurmountable obstacle-laden path to get to you, and yes, even the one she told you to clear today, she'll get to you–to that place she belongs–faster if there's nothing in her way."
"I won't, Charlie. On everything that is sacred to me, I promise I won't. Or ever forget that you weren't."
"In her way?" he asks. "To get to you? Oh, Edward… " He shakes his head and picks up a now frameless photograph from the dining room table. The place where they're temporarily spread out on display until the stores open in the morning, at which time my mother will right this of my many wrongs against my wife and our perfect life.
I know what the image is that he holds in his hand… it's he and I sitting on the loveseat in his living room. He and I and Bella, I should say. Sort of… because as soon as Bella got up from it to go into the kitchen to get us a couple of beers, he rushed from his favorite chair to take her place. Only to make her laugh, of course… a sound he loves just as much as I do.
And laugh she did when she came back… for about a half of a second…
Before she set down our beers with a "Hmph!" and a "Oh, no you don't, Papa Smitten!" and a "He's MINE!" and put him in a WWF-worthy fake sleeper hold and then climbed over his then also WWF-worthy fake unconscious form to get to me. A moment that Sue, her camera always within her reach, captured in all of its adorable and hilarious glory.
And that he now moves from under his gaze to under mine as he finishes his response to my declaration. "...I had my one and only strike that day. And, I promise you… I'm not fool enough to ever try it again."
"Neither am I, Charlie…" I whisper more to myself than his retreating from me–and still as trusting as ever in me–form.
And I don't know if he heard me or not, but he makes sure I hear him. "Look at her, Edward. Look at her long and hard. Your girl. And then, no matter how hard it is to because you can't, get some sleep… because tomorrow she'll be where you can see her. And reach her, with nothing blocking your way. And I'm guessing you might want to be able to stay awake for that."
And if ever Charlie Swan was wrong about anything, it's now…
Because "There's no might about it, Charlie."
…
FBoFW
…
Last night was the longest night of my life. But despite the painful fact that it was, and why it was, I did finally manage to fall asleep. With my head on Bella's pillows, instead of my own. And with dreams of returning to a time when Iwould again be her favorite pillow, and chosen without thought over any of the many feather-filled ones that top our bed.
I know she never made the choice that I wouldn't be, and my ceasing to be was my fault and mine alone, because I took that choice away from her…
But that's not a pain I'll ever again inflict on either of us.
Never again will I take my wife's choices away, or make them for her, unless her very existence depends on it. And not her existence as the center of my world. If I am honored and blessed enough for her to choose to be it, still, then never again will I dishonor her by telling her that she can't.
I have a lot to make up for, and a lot to make up to her, and a lot of churned up ground to cover… level and smooth… replant beauty and serenity and peace in… so that she never sees anything but before her, or finds anything but beneath her fearless and trusting feet…
And I may not live long enough to do all that she deserves…
Or earn her forgiveness, though she's already given it. Because, since the day she became my wife, she's never denied me anything...
But I swear… vow… that I'll die still trying to.
And to be worthy of it.
And her. Who I know will still be by my side.
Because that is what we promised each other. The day we said our vows…
Our vows that I let my pain, anger, and shame make me forget.
Try to void…
For her.
Who didn't let me.
Because she meant them. EVERY word of them… with all of her sweet, beautiful, and perfect heart. That though I broke over and over and over again…
She still wants me to have. And keep.
And still trusts me to. And to do the right thing with it. Even after I've done so much wrong.
She still believes in me. And has faith in. Complete, she even said. And even knowing that my head was on every way but straight.
Like it so stupidly still is…
Because I'm awake. And am just lying here breathing in the sweet scent of her on her pillows…
When I could be breathing in her. And looking at her beautiful face. And watching her lips form into a beautiful smile when she sees mine. Because they never didn't… even when I pretended I didn't want to see it.
Something she'd never do. Never deceive me or herself so that she could.
And sure as hell never waste the time to. Our time.
That I'm DONE wasting.
…
FBoFW
…
Bella
I'm surprised when I wake up alone in my hospital room. Surprised that Edward isn't beside me, gently holding my hand, and tracing the unbroken bands of promises on my finger. Or watching me sleep with guilt-ridden and sorrowful and tired eyes…
And, after I replay the events–the ones I can remember, anyway–of yesterday in my head, I'm disappointed, too. But not in him. Not in him at all. Because I know that the reason I didn't open my eyes to his beautiful face was because I wouldn't let myself. I wouldn't let him stay with me last night.
And even guilted him into leaving me. Sort of…
Because it was the only way I could stop myself from begging him not to.
The reason I gave him was a good one. And a solid. And a true to an extent…
I really didn't want to go home and see us broken into pieces...
But I would have done it. And would have cleaned up his lost battle. Put us–the victors, and the only possible for me–back together with pride and honor. Just for having had the chance to. The chance to do anything…
Just because I was alive. Which is all I will ever have to be to love Edward. And do anything and everything I can to make him know that. And that I'll never stop.
The last of which I'm confident he knows. And, now, at least, how truly twisted it was for him to think anything he could do would ever change that.
Or, if he really thought about it, make me want him to leave me, no matter what I said.
He thinks what happened yesterday, what he did, what was left waiting in our home, was too much for me to want to go home to. And it's my fault that he does.
But only because I needed to know how fragile he really is. And how broken. On the inside.
In the place where he's always been so strong.
The strongest.
And known without a single doubt that we…
As long as we were alive…
Were inseparable.
…
FBoFW
…
Edward
"Why the hell didn't anyone wake me up?!"
I thought I'd only wasted a few minutes of this morning. But when I rolled over and glanced at the clock on Bella's bedside table, my heart fell. Because I knew she was already long awake, and I still wasn't there to tell her how happy I was to have the mere chance to so much as see her on this new day, let alone hopefully get to spend this night watching her sleep beside me. IF that's what she chooses, and if she's well enough and strong enough for me to take her home.
Of course, I have to get to the hospital before I can know either.
"Well, good morning to you, too, dear."
"I don't have time for pleasantries, Mom, Bella is surely awake and all alone and I should have been there over an hour ago!"
"To say Good morning, you mean?"
"To her, yes!"
"You know, a mother with thinner skin would be hurt by that…"
"Good morning, Mother."
"Thank you. Now, go shave while I make your breakfast. If I hadn't spent the last hour with those photographs of the two of you, I'd surely have forgotten how handsome you are."
"You fixed them?" I ask her, ignoring her suggestion. The very one I made to myself before I decided it would have to wait because I wouldn't make Bella to do it.
"Yes, Charlie and I did it together. They're all reframed and on lovely display. We didn't know exactly how Bella had them, of course, but we can move them around if you remember…"
I remember exactly where one was.
The last one.
The one that I– "Remember, Edward… nothing."
I tear my eyes from the beauty I rushed in here to see. See where I should have left it. And never moved it from. And never altered…
Like the most beautiful thing in the world…
And look into her father's eyes. So that he knows how much I value his advice. And his knowledge. And his faith in me.
And, most of all, his little girl. "I remember, Charlie… but remembering won't take me to her."
"No…" he says. "I suppose not." And then he smiles at me. "But I will."
…
FBoFW
…
Bella
More than an hour has passed and Edward still isn't here. And surprise and disappointment start to turn. And twist into something else. Something else that tells me maybe I made a mistake.
By telling Edward to go home and clear my path, maybe I paved his. To retreat on. And away from me again.
His emotions were genuine yesterday. His pain, his sorrow, his guilt, and his regret…
But this is today. A new. And after a night without me in front of him or close enough to remind him…
How wrong without would be…
Maybe he's– "Bella, I'm so sorry!"
Still my Edward.
"Good morning."
"Good morning. I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner. Earlier. I–"
"Don't have to be sorry. Because you're here now."
His loving and thankful gaze tells me he always will be. And never won't be again. And I give him a smile I hope he never forgets.
And then give my father another. "Good morning, Dad."
Because I was stupid to worry even for a second…
Because he's here now, too.
Because he was there when I wasn't.
"Good morning, sweetheart."
In that place I belong.
And with the man I belong to.
Making sure he remembered…
What he always knew.