D/C # 1 – Non Con, Mpreg. Angst and unhappiness abounds. not my characters that I'm abusing.
A/N # 1 - Thanks to Linze for her help.
Synopsis: Albus has convinced Severus to Bond him. Minerva and Albus are heading toward an argument of epic proportions over his methods that will reveal that not all the wounds of their past have healed, and that one in fact, has festered.
"Draught of Peace, Poppy," Minerva curtly ordered, without so much the courtesy of a hello, as the witch manhandled the shaking Severus towards his sickroom.
"The potion is in his room," Poppy explained. "Horace stopped by, explained everything that happened, and is now in hiding for his life. Min, make sure that Severus eats first..."
Minerva failed to hear the rest of Poppy's warnings, as she was intent on obtaining her goal; getting Severus into his room before he had his breakdown. Thanks to some miracle, she managed to get the poor boy into his room, and the door closed behind them before his fraying hold on his composure snapped.
"Here," she brusquely ordered, as she pushed the potion at him. "Drink."
"I shouldn't have this on an empty stomach," he objected, even as he took the bottle in his hand. "Is there anything to eat?"
"Clotted cream…" Minerva began duly rattled off the inventory of what the House Elves had left on the table for him.
"Merlin's scrote, no, I don't like clotted cream at the best of times… and the way my stomach is churning? I don't think I could keep it down, so no to that." Severus acidly protested. "Anything with Horseradish? Wasabi? The demanding sprog is in the mood for something spicy."
Being a bit of a purist, Minerva was secretly dismayed to discover several tea sandwiches that had been liberally slathered with wasabi, but she placed them on a plate before she handed it to Severus. He inhaled a few of the bite sized sandwiches, and then put the plate down before he quickly quaffed the potion with a sour look.
"I could make it taste better. It's not necessary for it to taste like old woolen socks," his professional pride demanded him to unequivocally state.
"Would you like me to help you change for bed?" Minerva gently questioned, refusing to show her amusement over his comments about the Draught of Peace. After all the wasabi Severus had just inhaled, it was amazing his taste buds were still operational.
"Don't you have a command performance in the Head Master's quarters in a few minutes?" Severus softly quipped, his words already slurred from the potion.
"Through my many decades of teaching, I have found that a delayed punishment will often chastise the miscreants far more effectively than I can due to the power of a guilty conscience. He can stew and wait for the divine wrath of Minerva McGonagall," Minerva assured him. "I'm far more concerned about you."
"I had no real choice," Severus softly protested. "Please don't be angry with me. I had no real choice."
The desperation in Severus' voice chilled her, and she knew that she had to reassure him.
"You misunderstand, lad. I'm not angry with you. Far from it, Severus, I'm just concerned. In his eagerness to fix this situation and make everything better for you, Albus is overpowering you with the strength of his personality because he believes that he knows best. You're exhausted and unable to defend yourself, Severus. I can not be angry with you because you're too traumatized to deal with Hurricane Albus," Minerva assured him.
"Oh would that I had only fallen in love with you," Severus softly confessed. "Why didn't I?"
Severus' shoulders were slumped, and he looked bereft.
"I don't have a penis," was her brisk retort. She added a good amount of tartness to her tone, and was rewarded with a slight smile from Severus. Walking over to the wardrobe, she pulled out his dressing gown and a long night shirt.
"There are spells to fix that little problem," he dryly suggested. "I know of several."
"If I was supposed to be a metamorphagus, I would have been born with the gift," she rejoined. "I am not spell adding any additional parts to my body."
He was having problems with his buttons, but knowing how proud Severus was, she postponed offering her assistance.
"Well, having a penis isn't such a wonderful thing. They're ugly, for one thing, tend to be extremely messy and they do all your thinking for you," he sagely assured her. "Mine has been nothing but trouble."
The witch sat next to him on the bed, and when Severus nodded his head, she began to unbutton his frock coat.
"I never thought yours was ugly. I thought it was rather lovely in fact," Minerva assured him. "Wonderfully sized and delightfully responsive. It was a real ego boost to a mature witch like me as it enthusiastically displayed a keen interest to repeatedly shag me senseless."
That wry comment earned another fleeting smile from the now blushing Slytherin.
"Damn thing still has that obscene fixation on the Head Master," the Slytherin admitted. "Well, it got what it wanted in spades, and it's still begging for more. What a mindless piece of flesh it is…"
He shivered, and Minerva reached for his hand.
"'Tis not a bad thing, Sev," she gently assured him. "There's no shame in wishing to be close to someone."
"I wish… he'd stop buying things for me," the Slytherin's voice was an almost inaudible whisper when he confessed that to her.
"It's Albus' way of supporting you through this," Minerva explained. "Especially since Poppy barred him from the Infirmary."
The Slytherin shivered once more, and confessed, "I wished he'd stop. I feel like I'm being… groomed."
That was an odd statement, and Minerva waited for Severus to say more. When he said nothing, she decided it was necessary to prompt him.
"By grooming, you mean, in the sense of child grooming?" Deliberately, she kept her voice free from nuance.
As a teacher, Minerva was far too familiar for her comfort with the sexually abused children that arrived at Hogwarts. An adult could so easily groom a confused child, convince them of their love and then twist their bond into something dark and sexual. To her horror, Severus nodded his head.
"They did things to me…," Severus admitted. "Each Albus relished in inflicting different things to me… I know here…" He pointed to his head before he continued. "… That it wasn't the Head Master… but in my heart is having difficulties accepting that simple truth."
"Did an Albus groom you?" Minerva prompted after a long silence.
The boy hid his face in his long hair which was answer enough to the perceptive witch.
"The Albuses gave me potions to drink, and I was so… confused. Sometimes, I thought I was a student… and the Head Master had taken an interest in me. I was so happy because Albus kept telling me how smart I was and how I needed guidance to reach my full potential. He offered to mentor me, me a dirty, shabby little Slytherin. He said that we had a great deal in common, and then he'd bring me to his chambers late at night so we could talk…"
He seemed surprised that he was still clutching her hand. Deliberately, she placed her other hand on top, and her action seemed to reassure him.
"Albus knew I was poor, so he'd slip me his spare change, so on Hogsmeade's Weekends, I could buy something. He claimed that he gave me the money because he knew what it was like to be knutless on a Hogsmeade's Weekend. Like I said, I know in my head, Minerva, that none of this ever happened, but I can still remember anxiously standing in Honeyduke's and spending all of it on something that I prayed that he would like."
This time, she didn't push him to speak. If Severus wanted to speak, he would, and she wouldn't press the issue.
"I was always a social outcast during my school years. Yet this Albus knew that I liked boys, and he assured me that it was perfectly normal. You have to understand, I've always known my preference… and when I was a student, I believed that my desire was so damn bent and pervy..."
"It's not," Minerva insisted.
"It felt so damn good to have someone know that I was queer, and accept me for being queer, and for the Head Master to be so understanding about my perversion…. Albus would bring me to his quarters just about every night, so we could talk. Talking led to snuggling, which in turn led to snogging and then shagging. Our shagging would hurt so terribly…. But I wouldn't dare tell him because he enjoyed it so. I took the pain willingly, because I believed that he truly cared for me..."
Longer silence, and Severus asked in a very self-conscious tone, "When you're busy putting the fear of Minerva into him, would you ask him to please cease and desist on the pressies? No more presents, no more please. I just don't want to owe him…"
"If he asks me the reason why you don't want his gifts, what should I tell him?"
Severus' dark eyes were haunted when he looked at her.
"Just tell him, that I'm knackered… and I'm utterly overwhelmed…" Severus' voice broke, and then he painfully continued, "Utterly overwhelmed by his generosity. If that fails to sway him, tell him the truth."
"Why did you agree to Bond him?" Minerva questioned. "Do you really feel that you had no other choice?"
A single nod of his head was his response.
"I would have Bonded you," the witch informed him. "In fact, I am quite willing to do so."
"I wouldn't have allowed it," Severus' protest was oddly intense. "I can't let you Bond me. I need you… to keep an eye on the sprog after she's born. Min, ask me no more, please, I'm utterly exhausted… please… just help me undress, so I can sleep."
She agreed, and helped him unbutton his shirt. He held his opened shirt carefully, shielding his body from her sight.
"Would you mind not looking?" He pleaded. "I'm not looking particularly trim right now… not that my body was previously anything… of which to be proud… But now I've got man boobs and a gut…"
Minerva immediately closed her eyes, and sincerely promised that she wouldn't look. After a long period of time, Severus gave permission for her to open her eyes, as he needed help straightening his night shirt. Carefully, she assisted him, and then held out the silk dressing gown so he could put it on.
"The night shirt is a present from the Head Master," he informed her. "He insists on clothing his child's incubator in nothing less than the very best."
Instead of commenting, she tucked him into bed, and she kissed him on his forehead.
"Stay?" Severus requested. "I know you have other far more exciting plans, but I'd like you to stay, at least until I fall asleep."
"There's nothing I'd rather do," she assured him.
"I hate being like this," he admitted. "I'm trying to keep everything together, and it's unraveling… I'm so weak and sniveling. I loathe having to hide behind you for protection."
"Shhh…" she whispered. "Close your eyes, and fall asleep."
"Min, you know… I worry about being a parent. I have no concept what love truly is…"
"Love is putting someone else's needs before your own and doing everything you can you to make the best for them out of whatever hand you've been dealt," Minerva assured him. "So, yes, your wee bairn is loved."
His only response was a snort of disgust, but Minerva knew him well enough to know that he was touched and that her answer had reassured him.
"I was fully expecting you here an hour or so ago to soundly berate me," Albus stated. His blue eyes were twinkling, as though he was amused.
"Severus needed me," Minerva retorted. "It was far more important that I spend the time with him, rather than scold an obstinate wizard who is unwavering in his sincerest desire to cock up everything. Will you listen to what I have to say, Albus? Or will I be reduced to a screaming harridan?"
"I find your normal conversational tone to be far more melodious than those rare moments when you shriek like a banshee," Albus dryly admitted. "But by all means, please use whatever tone you feel best suits this conversation."
"Stop sending the boy presents, Albus. He wishes you to immediately cease," Minerva firmly declared. "Your generosity is overwhelming him."
"You're complaining about my kindness? He needs clothes that will match his needs, Min. There's no way his left arm can fit in a regular sleeve. After the edema and swelling has decreased, he can wear regular clothes, but not now. What would you suggest? I let him wear rags? Perhaps Poppy can rip off the left sleeve of his normal apparel?"
"You're putting pressure on Severus, as he can not help but believe that you're grooming him," retorted Minerva.
"Is it a crime to want to give him nice clothes? He spends all his money on providing care for his mother, and neglects himself. It's been years since he bought himself a decent coat. So yes, I am guilty of grooming him," snapped Albus. "To give Severus decent, warm clothes is not a criminal act! I fail to see otherwise."
For a moment, Minerva closed her eyes and prayed to whatever deity that might be listening for patience. Albus Dumbledore was far too innocent in some matters and far too jaded in others.
"Albus, that's not the type of grooming I meant. When an adult is interested in sexually abusing a child, he buys the child's trust. Books, clothes, candy… in turn it leads to more, Albus. After what he's endured, can you not understand his concern?"
Her blunt explanation to Albus made the mage recoil in revulsion. For a moment, Albus looked ancient and defeated, and then his anger bubbled forth.
"That's utterly disgusting, Minerva. Why do you believe the worst of me? Severus needs assistance. I can provide the help he needs, why do you insist on fighting me every step of the way?"
How he could be so unbelievably dense and refuse to see the truth, Minerva wondered.
"Because Albus, you're overwhelming the boy by sheer force of will. They physically raped him, Albus, by overpowering him by physical and magical means. What you're doing now is akin to emotional rape, as you're crushing his shattered soul."
She was blunter than she would have preferred and Albus reacted much as she feared he would.
"You go too far, Minerva McGonagall." Albus' voice was brittle as ice. "Perhaps one might say that your past experiences are influencing you and subconsciously…"
"I've lived what he's gone through, Albus! I've never denied it!"
She didn't want to lose her composure, but what the hell was Albus implying?
"You are projecting the fact that I failed you onto this situation with Severus. You fear that I will not be up to the challenge to help him, like I was with you. I understand your reservations about my inability to handle this situation, but I assure you that I have learned from my mistakes with you and my family. He was hurt because of me, and I will do whatever necessary to heal him. I swear on my soul and name, I will NOT make those same errors again!"
For a moment, Minerva was at a complete loss of words. It was a remarkable feeling for the normally unflusterable witch. This argument was no longer merely about Severus, but it had turned darker and more painful, as the ghosts of Albus' past were now being exhumed and put on public display.
"What? You believe that you failed me?" Minerva finally asked.
"I failed you because you didn't believe that I loved you. I loved you so much, Minerva, and I couldn't convince you of that simple, basic fact. Yes, I sincerely grieved when you and I couldn't have a child together, but then, instead of our mutual sadness drawing us closer, you just shut me out of your life. You wouldn't talk to me about how you felt, instead you just left!"
Their breakup had occurred over twenty years ago! Yet Albus still sounded distressed!
"I also didn't protect Ariana, I should have been there when those boys attacked her. I was off, reading no doubt, instead of keeping a brotherly eye on her. I completely failed her by not being there for her. I could have stopped those boys, prevented my father from harming them… I should have tried harder to convince my parents that Ariana needed to be sent to St. Mungo's for treatment. No, they thought they could give her better care at home as they did not want to institutionalize her. In time, Ariana accidentally killed my mother because her magic was completely unmanageable and uncontrollable!"
"Albus…" Minerva attempted to insert her opinion into the conversation, but Albus had a full head of steam, and he wasn't stopping.
"You and Aberforth blamed me for not caring enough about my responsibilities, and rightly so! I will go to my grave with your eternal condemnation ringing in my ears. But now you harass and condemn me for caring too much. The boy has nothing, Minerva. In your anger at me for failing you, you'd willingly let the boy be dressed in rags. Stop using him to get back at me, Minerva!" Albus' voice was raw.
"Albus… I'm doing no such thing," protested Minerva. "I'm trying to help him, not spite you!"
"He needs new clothes, therefore I will supply them. Anything he wants, I will make available for him. You and that damnable overly protective Poppy have decided that I'm the enemy in this situation…flatly refusing my aid, not allowing me the courtesy of knowing what treatment he is being given and yet, I will still provide for him. I may have to guess at the boy's needs, but he will rest assured in the knowledge that I, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore will ensure that he and the child… our child… will not want for anything! No matter howyou and Poppy try to prevent it."
If the witch thought she was gobsmacked before, this latest admission from Albus stilled her tongue still further.
"Are you implying that I'm being vindictive? That I'm letting what happened between us adversely affect Severus? Are you utterly barmy?" Minerva finally gasped.
"No, not vindictive, Minerva. I would never call you that," the Head Master said softly. "If you inferred that from what I said, please forgive me. I'm old and tired, and I lack a silver tongue. When you came to me, and wanted me to be your first lover after what happened… I was so humbled by your trust in me… did you ever realize that? It meant so much to me that you would trust me with something so special. Why do you think I was so hesitant at first? Because I knew that I'm not comfortable sharing my emotions with others, and that you'd need sincere reassurance to rebuild your self-confidence. After I had misjudged Gellert so badly, I thought it better not to risk it...But you persevered.. Merlin's beard, Minerva, you were so beautiful that night...that I agreed. I shouldn't have... but I strove so hard to be everything you wanted… but I wasn't…I failed you… by not being demonstrative enough… "
"That wasn't the reason, Albus," the witch protested. "Our relationship had run its course…"
It was the truth, and yet it wasn't the full truth.
"I wouldn't know… you never told me… so all these years, I believed that it was my inability to properly express my deep affection for you. I poured my heart out to you to assure you that it didn't matter to me that you were barren, and your only response? You just completely shut me out of your life. It took years before we were comfortably friends again, Minerva."
Her head was throbbing, and she didn't want to admit to anyone, especially herself, what truth there was in Albus' words.
"Albus, it's not that. You're coming on entirely too strong for him. He's utterly terrified of you. Severus compares you to the sea…" she explained, hoping that he'd understand.
Her tart comment caused a flinching Albus to cryptically whisper, "That explains the beach."
"Yes, for Severus, you are the sea crashing down mercilessly on the shores. He's struggling for all he's worth to tread water right now, Albus. His head is barely above water and he fears that he'll drown when the next waves overwhelms him."
"What am I supposed to do? He claims that I didn't do enough for him when he was a student and you counsel me that it's for the best if I just let him flounder? Won't that be just another example of my alleged uncaring nature? Will the court of Poppy and Minerva not again convict me in absentia of being callous and insensitive?"
"You need to back off, Albus. Let the boy breath. Your noble desire to protect him by wrapping him up tightly in gossamer silk will only suffocate him. Please, for the love of everything magical, give him space," she sincerely pleaded.
"I'll take your advice under consideration," Albus stated softly. "But if he needs anything… anything at all, I expect you to inform me so I can provide it."
"Agreed," Minerva then held out her hand in an apologetic gesture.
Albus just stared at her hand and sadly shook his head.
"No one, not even Aberforth, has the Merlin given ability to hurt me as much as you can, Miss McGonagall. You're dismissed." His voice was crisp, and his blue eyes weren't twinkling, which meant that Albus was in a bad way.
Merlin's scrote, she couldn't leave a despondent Albus like this, not with their friendship so badly stressed and strained. She really did love Albus, not with the overwhelming passion she once experienced for him, but a gentle, caring love born of time, experience and understanding.
Yet, as well as she thought she knew Albus, she never would have surmised the heavy load of guilt he carried, and how much was due to her.
"Dismissed? I thought we would move on to the next part of our agenda. I believe that we were discussing the color of my dress as Severus' Best Maid," she reminded him in what she hoped was a light tone. "You're not fond of tartan, I seem to recollect, while I don't particularly care for spangles and beads. I hope that we can come to a reasonable compromise."
Albus' tone was crisp as he stated, "Cancel your appointment with the dressmaker, there will be no Bonding."
What the hell? He had gotten Severus to agree to the Bonding, and now he had decided to cancel it? Those were Minerva's stunned thoughts.
Albus looked at the stunned disbelief on her face, and he sighed. "To complete the Bonding with an unwilling, terrified partner? Now that, Miss McGonagall, would be a psychic rape. Now, for the second time, I will advise you that you're dismissed. I need to research another way to keep Severus alive long enough for our daughter to be viable outside the womb. Then I think I will go to bed early as I'm teaching Filius' classes for tomorrow. I'm still quite exhausted from Friday's escapade. Hard to believe, isn't it? That it's only late Sunday afternoon?"
She turned to leave the room but before she left the Head Master's office, she paused.
"I'm sorry that for all these years I let you believe that our break up was your fault," she whispered, hoping that Albus heard her sincerity. "If I had thought that was how you interpreted what happened between us, Albus... I thought you understood that it was my decision, and that you weren't to blame."
"For the last time, you're dismissed, Miss McGonagall," was his only response, but her eyes filled with tears while she opened the door to the spiral staircase as she could sense his pain.
"Fawkes? Would you mind rousing an old friend? I could use a bit of cheer," Albus quietly asked his familiar, just as the door was closing.
The Phoenix began to joyfully trill, just as the door closed behind Minerva, leaving her alone surrounded by cold stone and her own concerns.