The rain started early in the morning and its soft rustle made it impossible to hear anything from behind the door. Frank stood in the adjoining bathroom, irresolute. He knew he was overreacting, but there were times when he anxiously thought that finding Joe was a delusion and he would wake up, back to his pain and loneliness. That's when he'd creep to the door to hear his brother move around, smile in reassurance and go back to his room.
But right now he couldn't hear a thing. It was still an early morning and Joe was surely sleeping, but- what if Frank couldn't hear anything because something had happened? In an instant, his hand was on the door-knob. He waited a moment, before pushing the door and peeping into the room.
The curtains swayed a little, letting the cool air from the ajar window, but other than that everything was still and quiet. Frank tiptoed to the bed and leant over the motionless figure to check the breathing- when he realized he was being watched.
He raised his hands in surrender with a sigh. "Alright, I'm caught."
"Not for the first time," Joe said sleepily with a yawn. "And not only you, by the way. Dad was here an hour or so ago. After Mom three hours ago…and before her was aunt Gertrude."
"Oh…sorry, we-we didn't think we were waking you, you never showed," Frank said apologetically. "Thought you'd sleep like a baby after all the medicine they stuffed you with in hospital."
"Babies wake up every other hour and cry," Joe pointed out.
"I guess. Well…. sorry," Frank repeated.
"Thought you'd stop after a few nights, but I start to think there is a competition between the four of you- on who'll fuss more over me."
Frank smiled and sat on the edge of the bed.
"I know you're still worried," Joe suppressed another yawn, "but they wouldn't let me out of hospital if there was a chance of me dying in my sleep."
"I know," Frank nodded. "I know, but….just give us time, okay?"
"Do I have a choice?" Joe chuckled.
Frank smiled briefly before turning serious. It took him a few moments to gather his thoughts together. "I'm just worried- still worried- and will be worried for some time to come- about… you and everything. I mean, I know it's hard for you, getting back to life and facing the trials soon and having to stand us fussing over you and- well, you got the idea… So give us time?"
There was a nod from Joe and the two were silent for a few moments. Frank started to rise from the bed to go back to his room, when Joe's voice stopped him.
"You know, I'd rather face all this than think you died."
"What?" Frank looked at him in confusion.
"It's confusing, really confusing to wake up and be told that you'd been out for half a year- and not just out, but dead to the world," Joe swallowed. "But then you think-what about those people who actually believed you dead?... I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes through all this, Frankie," he added quietly. "I don't know what I'd do in your place."
"Hopefully not what I was doing," Frank replied with a sigh.
"You did the right thing. I don't mean starting to smoke, of course-"
"I quit!"
"I know, I know. I meant trying to move on, to get a life, going to England and stuff."
"Yeah, right," Frank snorted. "Good for me for running off like a coward."
"Nothing cowardly about it. And better that than getting to drugs, getting suicidal or- something like that."
"If I stayed," Frank said slowly, "if I stayed, I could have gotten to that message sooner."
"Could have, should have, would have," Joe wrinkled his nose. "There's no such thing as alternative reality. You could have or you could have not, so why stuff your head with it?"
Frank sighed, "I don't know, Joe. I guess I still hate myself for all this mess with the DNA tests and not being there to see that message in time and running off and-"
"Brother dear. If it weren't for you, I'd still be a John Doe in Cleveland."
"You wouldn't- you woke up at last, remember? What would you think of us, of me if you woke up to know that we buried you? That we gave up on the case? That we stopped looking for you?"
Joe was silent for a few seconds. "That would be a disappointment, though, given all the circumstances, I'd understand," he said. "But I don't know if I would wake up at all if you didn't get to me."
"What do you mean?"
Joe scratched his forehead. "You ever wondered if there's life after death? I know it sounds funny coming from me," he added with a soft laugh.
"The answer would sound funny coming from me too since I went to see that psychic woman. So I guess I do. Though….it still feels freakish… I don't know. Why?"
"When she- Amanda- when she left," Joe said quietly, "and I knew I was dying, I knew I couldn't utter a sound to Kenneth to pass my last words to you….you know the scariest thing about dying?"
Frank watched him in the dimness.
"It's not even all those thing you didn't say, didn't do or those that you won't say or won't do. It's not even about yourself. The scariest thing is- it is knowing how much it'll hurt some people. You wanna say to them- I'm sorry I couldn't fight it, I'm sorry it was stronger than me, I'm sorry for dying, but please be happy, I want you to be happy- and when you can't…it's the scariest thing of all- not to be able to say the last I love you's."
Frank patted his knee with a smile, "Love you, too, kiddo. Thanks for the phone cover by the way, though it didn't stop me from dropping it again."
"I'll get you another one when needed," Joe replied with a smile.
"What was it for, by the way?"
"No particular reason, just for being you."
"Thank you," Frank breathed. "You know, if it weren't for this gift…." He sighed and didn't go on. This gift saved his brother's life and his own sanity; he thought he would never underestimate the meaning of small things again. "Soooo… what's heaven like?" he asked with a smile to ease the atmosphere.
"No idea, didn't make it there."
"So you just- blackened out and woke up months later?"
"Kind of, yeah. But sometimes there was this feeling…" Joe paused as if considering to say the rest. "Sometimes there was this feeling of in-between- as if you can't go up, but there's nothing to ground you, too. As if you're stuck and can't move without someone's help."
"Did you know I was there when we found you?"
Joe nodded slowly. "That's the thing. Suddenly there was a feeling of something to hold on to, to pull myself out…. So when you torture yourself with all those 'what if he woke up and I weren't around'- I don't know if I'd ever wake up if it weren't for you in the first place, so- thanks for showing up."
"Anytime," Frank replied with a smile.
"Thought you can stop showing up in the middle of the night, you know."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll- I'll try."
"You can even get back to London, because it seems to me you've been off your studies for too long. It'd be a shame for me to tell people my once smart brother has become an ignoramus."
Frank snorted. "I'll take the shame."
"Come on, I'm serious, Frank. I appreciate you fussing over me, but I'm not going anywhere for some time now," Joe said. "You can always move back and transfer back to NYU, but do finish the semester there and think things through. Maybe you'll want to stay there for another year."
"I want to stay where I know you're safe and communicate with you."
"Ever heard of such things as telephones, e-mails, instant messengers?"
"They're not the same-"
"Planes that fly from the US to the UK and back?"
"Why do you want me away so much?" Frank asked jokingly.
"I want you to have a life."
"I have a life, thank you."
"Had any friends in London?" Joe asked.
"No," Frank admitted.
"Ever went to a party there?"
"No."
"Had sex at least?"
"Joe! For God's sake…"
"Get back to life, Frank. To real life. I might be a part of it, but there's more out there. I'll be just a phone call away and come visit and stuff. And I'll be fine, I promise," when Frank said nothing to that, he coaxed, "just consider it for now at least, okay?"
"Alright…" Frank found it easier to agree than to continue the argument.
"Good. Now get out and let me sleep," Joe made himself comfortable under the blanket. "No need to check on me in an hour, too, by the way."
Frank stood up from the bed. "Love you too, kiddo," he said with a smile "Love you, too."
The screen lights reflected off Frank's face as he watched the web-page of British Airways. The 'confirm' button was teasingly red and 'back' was sheepishly blue. He was a click away from booking a ticked to London and he couldn't bring himself to push it.
"To be or not to be…" he muttered to himself and leant back in his chair, weighting the opportunities to either start over in the UK, knowing Joe was alive and safe at home where his parents would take good care of him until he was well enough, or stay with his brother while he would adjust back to being alive.
It took him minutes to make a decision. With a sigh, he pressed the button he thought was right...
The end.
Here's where I'm leaving you to think the ending to yourself. Is Frank going back or is he staying home? Whatever the choice, it'd be a story for another story. Most probably, I'll write it sometime soon.
This is my first fic in over six years, so while I still have your attention, I want to say HUGE thank you to all the readers and reviewers – the numbers of you exceeded all my expectations and it means a lot to me. Thank you. It was really interesting to know your opinion both on the story and some topics – like, smoking. I'm a non-smoker myself and I'm actually glad to have received such a number of 'yuck, smoking?' comments.
Anyways… If you feel like saying something on the story, I'm still open to comments and even critiques.
Once again- THANKS!