Kate stepped in to the room. Her eyes swept the interior, taking in every aspect and crevice. It was simply furnished, with the shades drawn over a window on the far wall. There was a single bed in the room, with machines crowding around it, and a chair pulled up to the side of it. She found herself drawn to the still figure lying on the bed. It doesn't even look like him.
Castle's eyes were shut, a pained look on his face. There were bandages everywhere: one encircling his head, one on his arm, two surrounding his wrists, and the bulge of one visible beneath his gown on his abdomen. If not for the rise and fall of his chest, Kate would have been worried by his pale complexion. Dark bruises adorned his face. A sling supported his left arm, cradling it to his side. He looked so…fragile.
Kate couldn't contain the gasp at her partner's appearance. Tears welled in her eyes and she fumbled for the seat beside the bed. This man lying before her couldn't be her partner…it just couldn't be. Rejection coursed through her veins and she reached a hand hesitantly towards the bed. Her fingertips brushed the back of Castle's hand. Maybe by some chance, she had walked in to the wrong room, and this wasn't her partner and friend lying there in the bed before her. But her mind knew what her heart denied.
She clasped Castle's hand with her own. She couldn't explain the urge, the need for wanting the contact with him. But enclosing his hand with hers, it felt right. Like if she didn't hold on to him, he might slip away and disappear. Absentmindedly, she began to stroke the back of his hand with her thumb, tracing invisible patterns on his skin. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know where to begin.
"Castle what am I going to do with you. I take my eye off of you for a minute and you wind up here…" Kate stopped, lost in memories, unsure how to continue.
"Seeing you sitting in that chair like that today…I've only ever been that scared once before. It was the 3XK case. You and Ryan didn't come back after going to Tyson's motel room…when I went through that door, I thought I was going to find you dead. But when I saw you sitting there, alive, my heart nearly stopped from relief. You fixed me with those blue eyes, and I knew for certain that you were okay."
Kate stopped, and looked at Castle's face. She gripped his hand a little tighter, welcoming the proximity. She didn't know if he could hear her, but talking, filling the silence, it felt right.
"It was one of the scariest moments of my life, not knowing whether I would find you alive in that motel room. And today when I saw you sitting in that chair, with your head down on your chest, unmoving, I…" Kate trailed off, swallowing the emotion building in her throat.
"I'm just so glad you're okay," Kate whispered, leaning her head down to rest on the hospital bed railing. She didn't know what she would do if he didn't make it out of this one.
Suddenly, she felt the pressure of fingers curling around her own. Kate jerked her head up, searching Castle's face. Was he waking up? Did he hear any of that?
"Castle. Hey, you with me?"
Castle owlishly blinked his blue eyes open. Confusion adorned his features. Above him was a plaster ceiling that looked nothing like his own. Where was he? He heard the beeping of machines, felt the pressure of an IV in his arm and a hand wrapped tightly around his own.
Castle lifted his head to glance around the room and immediately regretted the decision. His vision swam and he suppressed the rising levels of nausea assaulting his stomach.
"Wh-where am I?"
His voice came out cracked and whispered, a broken sound. He blinked his eyes as his vision righted, and he turned his head slowly this time to look at the person sitting beside his bed. He was wholly unprepared to see Detective Kate Beckett, who was eyeing him from behind long lashes.
"Your at Mount Sinai Hospital," she responded quietly. "Do you remember what happened?" Kate prompted him, fixing him with an inquisitive stare.
Castle furrowed his brow and tried to recall what exactly had happened. He glanced down at the sling immobilizing his left arm, noticed the weight of gauze encircling his torso and head, and detected the dull ache of pain shooting from too many places on his body to count. How in the world did this happen?
He shut his eyes and rested his head back against the pillow. He tried to replay the day's events over in his head. They had been called out to a scene that morning. Yes, right, good start. What next? Oh, yeah it was in an alley, and I had stained my favorite pair of pants. Beckett drove me home to change my pants when-
Castle's eyes flew open at the sudden memory. Fear shot through his system and he gasped aloud.
"Castle? Are you okay?"
"I went home to change my pants. There was a man there. He was waiting for me."
It was coming back to him. In small brief flashes…but he was remembering, even if he didn't want to. He couldn't stop the assault of terrifying memories. A gun pointed at him. Blood trickling down his face. The zip ties digging in to his skin. The knife. Pain. Kate showing up-
"You were there."
Kate's breath hitched in her throat. Please tell me he doesn't remember the things I said; please tell me he doesn't remember the things I said…
"You were there and…"
She watched as Castle's eyebrows knitted together in concentration. Realization lit his eyes and his entire demeanor transformed. Suddenly there was anger and disbelief in his deep blue eyes.
Oh, god. He remembers everything.
"A man no woman can love. Narcissistic and childish." A bitter laugh escaped his lips. Kate swallowed the lump in her throat.
"You know I didn't mean-"
"Did you Kate, did you?"
She opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out.
Castle shook his head lightly.
"It's crazy the things we say when faced with certain death… I saved you, Kate. I sacrificed myself for you. And all you could talk about were my flaws? It's still all a bit fuzzy, but your words are crystal clear. Funny, how easily I can recall those snide comments."
"Castle. Please. I-"
"I don't want to hear it Kate! I-I need some time to think. I need to process, go back over what happened. And I hope when I do so I come up with a reasonable explanation for what you said. The act may have been meant to help me or save me, but I just can't get past how true they sounded! I always just take your jibes good-naturedly and brush them off, but sometimes they hit too close to home. Sometimes they are uncalled for, go too far. Go too far…"
"Castle, come on. Of course I didn't mean them! You're overreacting. If you just let me-"
"Oh. I'm overreacting now am I?"
The temperature in the room dropped. The air between them stilled and the only sounds were the beeps coming from the machines. Fire burned in Castle's eyes as he glared at her.
Kate swore in her head. That was definitely the wrong thing to say. This conversation went from bad, to worse.
"Get out. Now."
Kate was taken aback by his tone. He had never spoken to her that way…she'd never even heard him use that tone before, ever. She didn't realize how deep her words might have cut. But seeing the fire burning in those deep blue eyes…apologies were definitely in order.
Castle roughly yanked his hand from her grip. He braced on his right elbow and used his good arm to lever himself upright. He swayed a little at the change, but kept his eyes fixed on hers. He gripped the handrail tightly and felt anger, betrayal and hurt churning inside of him.
"Rick let me just-"
"No! No. You've done enough!"
Castle glared at her through pain-clouded eyes. Kate heard his labored breathing and saw his chest rising and falling frantically. A machine started to beep loudly, and then another.
Several nurses rushed in at once, crowding the small hospital room. One nurse reached for the beeping machines, checking numbers and turning the alarms off. A second hurried to the side of Castle's bed, across from Kate, stethoscope out and ready. She glanced worriedly at the other nurse who was rattling off Castle's vitals. Pressing the instrument to his back, the nurse listened intently to Castle's lungs.
Beckett watched, in shock, eyes darting between the nurses and Castle. He looked pained and very pale. The nurse put down the stethoscope and placed a hand on Castle's uninjured shoulder.
"Mr. Castle, I need you to calm down for me. I know it is hard to breathe right now, but you're aggravating your broken ribs. You need to relax, and breathe in slowly through your nose and out your mouth. Yes, that's it. Calm down. Slow."
The machines stopped beeping, and the strenuous sounds of breathing gradually disappeared. The nurse helped Castle settle back down on the bed, rearranging the pillows and sheets that were tangled in the earlier predicament. She threaded a nasal cannula around his ears and fastened it below his nose.
"This should help with the breathing, Mr. Castle. Sitting up must have hurt your ribs and shoulder, so if you need any pain medication, just press this button right here."
The nurse offered her patient a warm smile. She spoke quietly to the second nurse, then jotted down a few notes on the clipboard hanging from the foot of Castle's bed. Then she fixed Kate with a stare that could rival the detective's own.
"Ma'am you need to leave. Mr. Castle has had enough excitement for one day."
"But I just got in here-" Beckett protested, not ready to leave Castle's side, realizing she never wanted to again.
"I'm sorry, but he needs to rest now. You can visit with him later," the second nurse said, ushering Beckett towards the door.
With one final glance over her shoulder, Beckett saw Castle with his eyes closed, a look of discomfort on his face. The nurses followed closely behind her, making sure she didn't try and return to the room. The last nurse through the door closed it behind her, effectively shutting Kate out. And the barrier between them once again was in place.
Kate watched the retreating forms of the nurses as they walked back to their station. She was tempted to turn around and rush back through the door. But she knew Castle didn't want her there, and she would only cause him more pain.
All at once her knees buckled and she sank to the floor, her legs no longer able to support her. Silent sobs wracked her chest, and free-flowing tears cascaded down her face. Pain blossomed in her heart and coursed throughout her entire system. The hurt was everywhere. She could feel her heart shattering piece by piece. He hated her, all because of the lies she had told to keep him safe. And now, he would never forgive her, and she would never get the chance to tell him the truth. She didn't mean any of it. She had just said all those things in the heat of the moment to save his life. Didn't he understand that? She hadn't meant it when she called him egotistical and rude. She hadn't meant it when she said no woman could ever love him. That couldn't be true…because, because she loved him. She always had, and knew she always would. But now she wouldn't ever get to tell him. She'd lost him for good. It was over between them.